Gransnet forums

AIBU

Questions to which there may be an unwelcome answer.

(39 Posts)
MawBe Mon 30-Nov-20 17:11:48

Along with “Does my bum look big in this?” - are people really prepared for a “Yes” answer?
When people preface an opinion or point of view or an account of something which has happened, with AIBU, is it not permissible to answer “Well, actually, yes” ?
If that occasions disappointment in the OP, or causes him or her “distress” , why did they ask?
Do OPs expect everybody to say “There, there, of course not” regardless?
Just wondering.

AGAA4 Mon 30-Nov-20 17:16:49

I suppose that is what we are hoping for but need to be prepared for honesty.

larry5 Mon 30-Nov-20 17:17:06

There are questions you should never ask if are not sure what the answer will be. My exsil asked my brother if he loved her and when he said no she through something at him. DB was having an affair which led to the break up of their marriage.

The item she threw hit him {she wasn't intending to hit him) and she ended up having to take him to hospital to have some stiches put in. My opinion is that he got what he deserved.

Marydoll Mon 30-Nov-20 17:24:57

I think I can see where you are coming from Maw.

I do suspect that on occasions people ask such a question, looking for affirmation and get upset when told that they are indeed being unreasonable.

It happens quite often on GN. If you post on a public forum, you leave yourself wide open to views different from your own. That's a risk you take, as some of us have experienced to our cost.

petra Mon 30-Nov-20 17:53:02

MawBe
Not only are they not prepared for the truth but if one has the temerity to go against the there, there of course not we are called bullies.

Smileless2012 Mon 30-Nov-20 17:57:52

It's not whether or not you disagree with a poster but how that disagreement is expressed, and depending on how it's expressed will determine whether or not it's regarded as bullying.

Kate1949 Mon 30-Nov-20 17:59:06

I hate it when people ask "How old do you think I am?' I usually put my foot in it even though I take a few years off how old I think they look.

cornishpatsy Mon 30-Nov-20 18:08:04

I would only ask for an opinion if I wanted an honest answer.

I tend not to give an opinion unless asked for one and then it will be an honest one.

There have been many posts on here where it puzzles me as why opinions are being sought, trust your own judgement or if you really want an opinion accept not everyone will agree with the poster.

kittylester Mon 30-Nov-20 18:32:23

I agree with smileless. There are people on here who are terribly blunt.

Then again, there are people who ask silly questions.

Lucca Mon 30-Nov-20 18:42:52

kittylester

I agree with smileless. There are people on here who are terribly blunt.

Then again, there are people who ask silly questions.

Equally there are people who are amazingly touchy and talk,about being “got at “ at the first sign of what Maw is talking about !

Lucca Mon 30-Nov-20 18:43:42

I gather nowadays “Does my bum look big in this “ is actually hoping for a Yes answer .......weirdly.

Lisagran Mon 30-Nov-20 18:58:22

Yes, Lucca a ‘big booty’ is much to be desired among young women at the moment. I had a biggish bum when it was desirable to be small and pert - and now have a flat backside, due to gravity, when bigger bottoms are “in” grin

Back to MawBe’s question - I think many posters asking AIBU, are really asking for confirmation of their own opinion - and so are easily riled is slightly challenged

Casdon Mon 30-Nov-20 19:02:16

I agree with smileless as well, on the AIBU posts there is sometimes a degree of naivety about the strength of adverse reaction you may get, but at least if you’ve asked the question you are expecting to see wide ranging opinions. What I don’t like though is when people descend into personal comments along the lines of ‘how can you be so stupid’ - on any post that isn’t necessary, it’s inconsiderate at best, downright rude at worst.

Kalu Mon 30-Nov-20 19:26:02

Just sometimes it is necessary to be reasonably truthful with an OP who, although they may not like the truth, do accept, they may have got things wrong.

Others though, will have to do what many of us have been doing forever when faced with certain upsets, we pull on our big girl pants and get on with it, in search of a solution! 🩳

Summerlove Mon 30-Nov-20 19:30:54

Smileless2012

It's not whether or not you disagree with a poster but how that disagreement is expressed, and depending on how it's expressed will determine whether or not it's regarded as bullying.

Not always though.

Sometimes it’s enough just to have a different opinion.

Or not using flowery words to get a point across. Not being unkind, but not hiding disagreement in pretty words.

Summerlove Mon 30-Nov-20 19:32:37

Being blunt does not always equal being rude.

Smileless2012 Mon 30-Nov-20 19:32:59

I agree Casdon and it's not just on the AIBU threads, it happens on threads where people are asking for advice and/or support.

You don't have to be rude and/or insensitive just because you don't agree.

As for pulling "on our big girl pants and get(ting) on with it, in search of a solution" some if us are better equipped than others and we should be sensitive to those who aren't as 'able' as we are, and maybe just be thankful that we are.

phoenix Mon 30-Nov-20 19:38:40

I seem to remember on a similar thread not too long ago, I gently (well, gently ish) pointed out " you asked the question, you got several answers, don't ask the question if you can't take the responses "

Urmstongran Mon 30-Nov-20 20:17:03

Interesting question Maw.

Sometimes I read an AIBU question and see the replies are so darned syrupy, I find I am too cowardly to go against the grain and swerve the thread.

Kalu Mon 30-Nov-20 20:28:37

Far from being insensitive, something I am not advocating or being flippant. There is a difference in sensing when a poster genuinely needs support and in some cases, a bit of a gentler approach to offer a suggestion of a different approach or having a rethink for a solution which may help where situations have become difficult. I also fully appreciate some characters will obviously be stronger than others, which, reading between the lines gives an insight to a poster.

Others who post in AIBU, don’t get the repose which suits them, can turn nastily to those who are trying to help, thus showing, they certainly have a strong enough character.

Two very different characters altogether, hence, sometimes those with the stronger characters,just have to pull on their big girl pants and get on with things when in fact, they are capable of dealing with their own problems before turning to a forum of strangers.

Doodledog Mon 30-Nov-20 21:25:18

I agree with Kalu.

Sometimes people just want to know that someone understands, and can empathise with them, even if they know they aren't being 100% reasonable - people aren't saints, although some posters set themselves up as if they were.

If someone (and any similarity to threads living or dead is entirely coincidental) posts to say that she is a bit resentful of her sister who is a glamorous talented millionaire with a loving and kindly George Clooney lookalike husband, there are those who will point out that there is no point in feeling like that, and that envy is a sin, complete with a patronising lecture on counting one's blessings.

Everyone knows that the reality is that life is sometimes kinder to some people than to others, but now and then it is human to feel emotions that are less than perfect, and we just want someone to agree that it's Very Unfair and that we would feel the same - the chances are that the next day the OP will be back to loving her sister, and accepting that whilst there is no chance that a mansion on Lake Geneva will ever be hers, she is actually quite happy with her own husband and their caravan in Skegness.

Astral Mon 30-Nov-20 21:26:17

I would always value honesty in any important situation and any opportunity for me to learn and grow. Maybe I might have a bit of a silent tantrum until I'd heard and understood what I needed to.

When someone asks me if their bum looks big in something, I ask them "how do you feel in it" and they answer their own question usually. Then it's either, let's find the right one or let's buy it.

52bright Mon 30-Nov-20 21:50:44

If someone asks AIBU then I think they must be prepared for a range of perspectives on this. Hopefully they will give views due consideration.
IMO for those replying to those asking AIBU, honesty, tempered with courtesy, good manners and tact is the way to go.

kittylester Mon 30-Nov-20 22:23:16

Urmstongran

Interesting question Maw.

Sometimes I read an AIBU question and see the replies are so darned syrupy, I find I am too cowardly to go against the grain and swerve the thread.

You and me both urmston.

dragonfly46 Mon 30-Nov-20 22:36:33

I think on the whole we Brits are usually pretty kind compared to the Dutch. If you ask the Dutch if your bum looks big they will delight in telling you not only that it is big but go into detail of how big it is.
I developed a skin as thick as a rhino’s when living there.
They call it being direct and are very proud of it.