Gransnet forums

AIBU

Bullies why did you do it

(133 Posts)
Sallywally1 Tue 14-Sep-21 22:38:39

I may Be being up reasonable here, but to those who bullied others in their past, why did you do it? Do you regret it? What was it about your life that made you need to put down others? What was it about your ‘victims’ that made them your target?

I suffered mercilessly in my youth and did not really get over it. And it has affected how I myself treat others now. I consider myself to have overcome my past, but I have my demons still.

Mary59nana Tue 14-Sep-21 23:22:26

That is a good question Sallywally
I also was bullied in my school years for not being one of the well off kids and also because my dad was dead unbelievable it might seem.
But I do often think do those bullies in their adult years regret their actions or did they go on to bully in the work place

And yes it has left a impact on me 55 years on

Sara1954 Wed 15-Sep-21 07:39:49

I remember with shame how our whole class of girls bullied a new girl, I have no idea why, but we were vile to her, I often think about her, and hope we didn’t cause her lasting damage.
It didn’t last too long, but we were a nasty little bunch of girls.

Jackiest Wed 15-Sep-21 08:05:38

I was bullied at school and dropped out of all groups and clubs. Was OK as soon as I got to University. But it has had an effect as I find now when in a group I always look out for the ones being left out and by themselves. I also avoid groups that exclude people and this includes avoiding women only groups. It was always the girls that bullied me never the boys.

nadateturbe Wed 15-Sep-21 09:09:14

Here is my awful story. When I was 9 or 10, a young new girl bumped into me in the school playground. She came and apologised and I hit her on the arm. Not hard but still...She had been so nice.
Why? Probably because I had a big sister who was always telling me what to do and a friend likewise. It was the first time I felt like I had any power. Ive never done anything like that ever again. I've never forgiven myself and I just wish I could find her and apologise.

Newatthis Wed 15-Sep-21 09:25:16

There are many people that have suffered like you. Children get bullied at school for many reasons, too tall to small to far too thin too pretty and for more obscure reasons. I’m not sure whether there will be many bullies respond to this post but if there is, please think about the psychological damage you’ve done to all the people with you bullied. It doesn’t end at the school gate either. I once lived in a place and I was bullied by some adult neighbours, once again it was born out of jealousy because they thought I had something that they didn’t and they made my life hell.

timetogo2016 Wed 15-Sep-21 09:31:18

I was never a bully and was never bullied.
I did see alot of it going on and i automaticaly went to the nearest teacher to tell them.

Smileless2012 Wed 15-Sep-21 09:32:38

Bullies aren't just to be found in the playground as you say Newatthis.

Adult bullies are found in the work place and on line and the psychological damage it can cause can be just as profound when experienced as an adult as a child.

I don't thin anyone ever really gets over it Sallywally. I'm sorry that you suffered at the hands of bulliesflowers

JaneJudge Wed 15-Sep-21 09:33:19

I've never bullied anyone. Someone tried to bully me at high school but it didn't really take off as my friend beat the sh*t out of the main ringleader. Gosh she was feisty.

love0c Wed 15-Sep-21 09:39:57

I vividly remember the bullies at primary and secondary school. They did have a go at bullying me for a short time because I wouldn't join 'their gang'. From a very young age I just knew it was wrong. I wonder if it was because I had a very ill dad? I understood 'empathy' at a very young age. I never joined in bullying as a child and have never been tempted as an adult either.

Elusivebutterfly Wed 15-Sep-21 10:06:44

When I was at school there was a girl who was a bit of a bully. She had a difficult home life, whilst most of us had settled and relatively privileged backgrounds so I think that may have been why she did it. Sadly she died of cancer very young.
The only time I have been bullied was not long before I retired and I had a nasty manager aged around 50. She was rude to everyone but awful to me. She was just a horrible person who must have been like that all her life.

Sara1954 Wed 15-Sep-21 10:07:43

I don’t know why we picked on this girl, it was horrible of us, I don’t think she stood out in any way, she was new, that was all.
I think she dealt with it very well, treated us with the contempt we deserved, but that is no excuse.

Sparklefizz Wed 15-Sep-21 10:14:49

I was bullied in the workplace when I was 24. I had joined a new company as PA to the Managing Director, and his Company Secretary, a woman in her 40s, was just awful towards me. I was miserable and dreaded going to work, and only stuck it for a year and then resigned. I discovered later that she was having an affair with the MD, so I suppose she was jealous of him having a young PA.

VioletSky Wed 15-Sep-21 10:15:03

I experiences 2 types of bullying, at school and at home.

The bullies at school, most I am still in contact with, others haven't changed. I know now there were lots of reasons. Unhappy home lives or just fear that if they didn't pick on me, they would get it instead.

The bullying at home was worse because it was the kind others don't see because it is hidden.

Set one toe out of line and they would come down on you like a tonne of bricks.

Everything I said was twisted to mean something else.

Never any empathy or kindness. I spent my whole childhood apologising for existing really and my apologies were never accepted. I watched my brother given the world while I got nothing because "your father should be providing for you".

Smear campaigns where others were told all sorts of horrible things about me that weren't true so that people would not believe me if I told them what was happening and to make themselves look justified and innocent if anyone did see me treated badly.

I'm estranged from my mother and stepfather now and it took me a long time to do it because I had no self worth and I was carrying around a belief that I deserved to be treated badly by my own family... From birth. The stories about what a horrible needy baby I was are just the beginning.

Supportive friends, my husband and my own children eventually helped me break free from that.

Narcissists is what I had to deal with and narcissists create monsters only they can see.

Mary59nana Wed 15-Sep-21 10:38:17

VioletSky I'm sending you a very warm hug your story touched me so much.

I hope you are having a very Happy life now

Peasblossom Wed 15-Sep-21 10:39:09

Speaking from experience, in both school and work, most bullies are very good at painting themselves as the victims, working the system and at getting anyone who stands up to them into trouble.

It makes what’s going on very hard to unravel if you’re the person trying to sort it out.

Also, the person that lands the (metaphorical) blow isn’t usually the main bully. They’re very good at winding other people up to do the dirty work!

Sara1954 Wed 15-Sep-21 10:48:30

Peasblossom
I agree, the girl who orchestrated the bullying in our school was very much the teachers pet.

Sara1954 Wed 15-Sep-21 10:49:52

But we all went along with it, we could have said no.

VioletSky Wed 15-Sep-21 10:51:46

Mary59nana hugs back!

Peasblossom I know exactly what you mean.

I've had a small amount of therapy which is how I know what my mother is and a lot of counselling and I still fall for those tactics too easily at times

Kate1949 Wed 15-Sep-21 11:00:44

I was bullied relentlessly at senior school. Because of the way I looked (a bit scruffy, missing teeth) I was laughed at, called names. Luckily I had a nice group of friends who stood up for me. I remember one poor girl who was bullied ever more than me. Even at 15 her mum used to bring her to the school gates. She was a laughing stock, poor girl. She also had sever acne which didn't help. I think about her sometimes and this was over 50 years ago.

Chewbacca Wed 15-Sep-21 11:04:30

I have often wondered whether bullies are just continuing learned behaviour; they themselves have been bullied, know how bad that made them feel and so they do the same to someone else because they know how much hurt and the misery it will cause them. I suspect that their are dozens of reasons as to why they select their victim; jealousy, identifying that their victim is "weaker" in some way or even just that it makes the bully feel powerful and in control for once. After the suicide of a local schoolgirl, because she'd endured 3 years of continual bullying by a group of girls at her school, the school admitted that they'd known she'd been badly bullied and had tried to intervene and break up the group of bullies. But they'd then moved to online social media bullying and the school was powerless to intervene. I've wondered since whether that group of schoolgirls, having seen the outcome of their campaign, felt remorse, guilt or regret or whether they somehow still felt justified for having been complicit in a girl's death. And how will they come to feel about it in years to come when they look back and think of what they did.

grannyactivist Wed 15-Sep-21 11:12:56

In Junior School there was very little bullying generally, but we had one black girl and one girl of mixed heritage in the school and they used to get name-called and, as the teacher’s described it, ‘teased’ (bullied) by a very small girl called Jean. I think Jean felt vulnerable because of her small stature because she was always verbally and physically aggressive; she once almost knocked me out when she hit me across the back of my head with a rounder’s bat.

At Grammar School I was subject to low level bullying constantly; nasty remarks about my uniform (second-hand and outdated), where I lived (the council estate), my lifestyle (poverty = no access to ‘cool’ stuff + free school meals = separate queue for dinner), my smell (I slept with a sister who wet the bed until she was thirteen). As an adult I’m just glad that I was so nondescript that for the most part I was simply ignored.

MerylStreep Wed 15-Sep-21 11:23:45

The only bully I knew at primary school was our teacher who hit me round the head so hard my glasses went flying. He wasn’t laughing when my mother burst into the classroom, grabbed hold of him and hit him round the head.

VioletSky Wed 15-Sep-21 11:27:32

I think I love your mum for that MerylStreep

Sara1954 Wed 15-Sep-21 11:29:23

I don’t suppose we were all nasty girls, but we were weak, and definitely unkind.
I remember it all so well, I can see this girl clearly, a pretty girl, a brave girl, she never let us get to her.
But to this day I feel shame.