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AIBU

Christmas money - how much do you give your grown up kids?

(151 Posts)
Scotchmist10 Fri 26-Nov-21 20:36:22

I usually send our adult daughter money for Christmas as she's lived away from home for years and we rarely see her for Christmas (she loves to travel a lot).
My partner and I are both disabled and retired from work so we're not exactly rolling in it, so when my sister and I were discussing what to get our kids for Christmas she surprised me when she said she gives her son and daughter in law money for Christmas too so they can buy whatever they like, but she gives her daughter in law the same amount of money she used to give to just her son when he was single, so double the cost.
Our daughter has a steady boyfriend who she's been living with for a couple of years but I've never thought to double the amount I send her since he came along - I just presume he gets a present or money from his own family.
My sister thinks I'm being a scrooge not treating our daughters partner to the same as our daughter but we aren't flush and can't afford any extra expenses.
AIBU? Or is my sister doing the right thing with her family? It's something I'd never considered until she brought it up and now I feel like I'm being mean hmm

Grandmabatty Fri 26-Nov-21 20:40:03

I give my daughter and son-in-law exactly the same amount in value. I give my son the same too. I cut down how much I spend but they get the same. I consider my son in law to be family

Marydoll Fri 26-Nov-21 20:42:58

Same as Grandmabatty!

TillyTrotter Fri 26-Nov-21 20:44:15

Same as Grandmabatty does. Our son-in-laws are part of our family.
We usually buy gifts for them, but we check with our daughters to be sure we get something the son-in-laws will like.

TillyTrotter Fri 26-Nov-21 20:44:51

X posts Marydoll.
Snap! 😊

welbeck Fri 26-Nov-21 20:45:11

i don't see why you should give them any money.
they are young and presumably working.
you are retired and disabled.
maybe a token gift, or hand made card, for the thought.
never heard of parents giving grown up children money.
not done in my extended family.

M0nica Fri 26-Nov-21 20:59:20

We give presents. In your situation I would give vouchers of some kind.

Who you give to and how much is your business and yours alone. There is no set tarriff saying what, whether and how much you give. You decide what you want to give and who to. It is none of your sister's business to make judgements on you and your partners decisions.

If my sister did something like that. She would be told very firmly that it was none of her business.

M0nica Fri 26-Nov-21 20:59:20

We give presents. In your situation I would give vouchers of some kind.

Who you give to and how much is your business and yours alone. There is no set tarriff saying what, whether and how much you give. You decide what you want to give and who to. It is none of your sister's business to make judgements on you and your partners decisions.

If my sister did something like that. She would be told very firmly that it was none of her business.

Scotchmist10 Fri 26-Nov-21 21:10:18

She was always the bossiest out of our siblings and I don't think she'll change now wink

Hetty58 Fri 26-Nov-21 21:17:40

Scotchmist10, you are not a scrooge! We just buy for the (many) grandchildren, not for adults. All we do for the grown ups is a secret Santa, (elfster.com) £20 limit - so we all get one little present, quite enough.

Grannybags Fri 26-Nov-21 21:23:03

We give presents (Oh how I wish I could give money!) and spend the same on Daughters-in-Law as we do our sons

Forsythia Fri 26-Nov-21 21:26:48

I started to give hampers plus a voucher. They went down well last year so doing the same this year. What can I buy them that they don’t buy for themselves? They’ve got everything. So, a luxury hamper filled with wine and nice food is what they’re having.

Forsythia Fri 26-Nov-21 21:27:57

Not F&M either! Too expensive.

Elizabeth27 Fri 26-Nov-21 22:26:17

Do you address it as a joint present? I send a joint voucher for a meal or overnight stay and a small present each, chocs, socks etc.

Forsythia Fri 26-Nov-21 22:28:05

Yes with the hampers it’s to both of them. A little voucher each to spend in John Lewis too. They’re happy with that.

Redhead56 Fri 26-Nov-21 22:58:37

I buy a small gift and include an amount of money equally to son daughter and their partners. Its Christmas why not treat them they can spend the money on what they want. We got the grandchildren the Lego sets they wanted and few extras. Its our choice to give what we can according to our budgets it's not the gift it's the thought that counts.

Newquay Fri 26-Nov-21 23:04:11

I’ve only just texted DD2 to ask if we’re not giving gifts to adults (again) this year -just the children. She replied immediately (that’s unusual!) to say she agrees. That must be one less thing for her to think about.

annodomini Fri 26-Nov-21 23:08:43

In my family, the big presents were always for birthdays which made sense as they could be spread around the year. Christmas presents would be smaller, but appropriate to the recipient. Teenagers will be happy with a vouchers or hard cash!
I ask my family to make donations - sometimes chickens or a goat to an African village; sometimes equipment for a schoolteacher in the African bush. There is nothing I need in my 9th decade.

BrightandBreezy Fri 26-Nov-21 23:38:39

I have to confess that the gifts I give my DD and dsil are different in value. My daughter has been the sole provider for her family for the last 20 years. I admire her as she puts the food on the table the roof over their heads and the car in the drive for a family of four. Pays all bills and never complains. When it comes to the few extras she can afford she always puts herself last. At Christmas it is my pleasure to put her first and give her a few things she would never dream of buying for herself. My dsil gets nice gifts as well ...but not to the same value as DD. He always seems pleased with his gifts and is definitely happy that I can treat DD.

maddyone Fri 26-Nov-21 23:43:30

At Christmas we give an amount of money to each of our three children, and their partners. It is a shared gift, so they can choose what to do with it, or buy with it, together. We also give a gift to each of them, to our adult children and to their partners, so that they have something to open on Christmas Day.

DillytheGardener Fri 26-Nov-21 23:46:19

How lovely BrightandBreezy you must be so proud of your daughter and so happy to treat her.

harrigran Sat 27-Nov-21 00:03:06

My adult children get a sum of money and my DIL and SIL get the same amount, it is a substantial amount so that they can buy something nice.

BrightandBreezy Sat 27-Nov-21 00:05:55

I am proud of her DillytheGardener. I know I could never cheerfully do what she does. When she was growing up she was a bit head in the clouds... Not that practical and we never dreamt she could do what she's doing. Thank you for understanding where I am coming from. 😀

Scotchmist10 Sat 27-Nov-21 23:24:16

I think I'll send the usual amount to our daughter and maybe send them a hamper. Thankyou for your input 😊

chocolatepudding Sun 28-Nov-21 07:43:29

Gosh i am amazed at the generosity here. MIL gave her DS1 my DH and me a cheque for £20 and a small gift each for Christmas and birthdays .
Her DS2 the favourite, got a gift and a cheque for £1000.!
This went on for 20 years.