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Have i took this the wrong way ?

(48 Posts)
Justamom Fri 14-Jan-22 11:00:35

Hello I’m not a gran but didn’t want to post on Mumsnet as I feel I would benefit more getting a grans perspective on the situation!

So my partner booked me a private scan as a surprise but he had to tell me early because he didn't realise he had actually booked a slight later time than we would have both liked as the scan Center that done 4D scans is about 2 hours away each way and we would have to arrange someone to watch our little boy, I tried to change the time and was unable and they did have a cancellation fee so we wanted to see if we could get childcare for our younger son first before cancelling or rebooking for another time. My mum and dad aren't an option as I don't have a relationship with them; so my partner asked his mum if she could watch my son for the night and she replied with "Would rather not "
Im just a little hurt by her use of words not the fact that she doesn't want to watch him as I would never expect someone to be able to watch my son whenever I ask, it was never expected of her I want to make that clear but I'm questioning what's so wrong with watching my son the odd time when she watches her grand daughter every Saturday and few days during the week. She also had her every weekend over night when she was much younger. Of course we haven’t said anything to her we have told her no problem we will sort something else out. I think maybe I have took this the wrong way but I can’t help feel slightly disheartened that she doesn’t want to watch my son but can watch her grand daughter, even though her other son and his wife have a much bigger support network than us.

Poppyred Fri 14-Jan-22 11:25:02

Ask your partner to ask her the reason? There could be any number of …….. Clarify this first before jumping to conclusions.

jaylucy Fri 14-Jan-22 11:33:27

Maybe MiL is just uncomfortable with looking after your child?
Some grandparents are happy to take care of their daughter's childrens, but not their son's for some reason, it's nothing against you or maybe she had plans that couldn't be rearranged at such short notice.
It is up to your husband to speak to his mother about it.
One thing that I wonder is, what did your husband expect you to do with your other child while you were having your scan ? Surely, if he went to the trouble of arranging for the scan, that was supposed to be a surprise for you, he could have arranged the rest of it as well?

rafichagran Fri 14-Jan-22 11:41:45

Was she going out? Does your MIL think you only speak to her when you want something. Let your husband ask her why.
I think the way she said I would rather not upset you, if she gave a reason and was put it more kindly this would not havebeen a problem.

Justamom Fri 14-Jan-22 11:43:44

@jaylucy
Thank you for your reply, I should add that she doesn’t have any daughters only 2 sons so her grand daughter is her older sons daughter other wise I would completely agree. I agree with you my partner isn’t the best at arranging things but his plan was to bring our son along as we have for all previous scans but like I said the scan was at 4 so we wouldn’t get home till about 8 that night and my son goes to bed around the 7 o’clock mark smile but he definitely should have looked at the time before booking

Justamom Fri 14-Jan-22 11:50:31

rafichagran

Was she going out? Does your MIL think you only speak to her when you want something. Let your husband ask her why.
I think the way she said I would rather not upset you, if she gave a reason and was put it more kindly this would not havebeen a problem.

She doesn’t really go out, only for coffee the odd time with one of her childhood friends but it definitely could still be a possibility. We speak to her a lot and visit 1/2 times a week so I’d really like to think she doesn’t think that as we wouldn’t want her to feel that way we also don’t ask her to watch him a-lot only if we really need the help e.g appointment or Xmas shopping when we can’t take him with us lol, but other than that he is with us.

Doodledog Fri 14-Jan-22 11:54:43

Did you hear your MIL say ‘I’d rather not’, or was that the way your partner reported what she said?

25Avalon Fri 14-Jan-22 12:00:12

She didn’t say that she wouldn’t, just that she would rather not. Maybe she has something else planned on that day which she would rather not cancel, maybe she doesn’t feel well, maybe she is worried she might catch Covid as it is prevalent amongst young children. You really don’t know but this is going to eat away at you like a canker and could upset your whole relationship. Could dh speak to her and ask what the reason is?

Elizabeth27 Fri 14-Jan-22 12:02:16

For whatever reason, she did not want to look after your son. I rather admire her for saying so rather than giving an excuse.

Don't make too much of it, not everyone likes babysitting. remember for the future not to ask her.

Justamom Fri 14-Jan-22 12:09:51

Elizabeth27

For whatever reason, she did not want to look after your son. I rather admire her for saying so rather than giving an excuse.

Don't make too much of it, not everyone likes babysitting. remember for the future not to ask her.

I didn’t look at it that way you have a point, she was honest. I suppose I’ll respect that smile

silverlining48 Fri 14-Jan-22 12:28:51

There could be many reasons why she said no. You seem to see a lot of her so why not mention it lightly when you see her next.
You weren’t present when your husband asked her and she may have had a good reason to refuse, not that she needs to have a reason of course. Depends on her health, your son’s level of activity, her plans, all sorts of things.

Hithere Fri 14-Jan-22 12:33:41

N
Not a gran either, a mom of young kids

Why wouldnt your partner also arrange for babysitting?

Any person can say no to the request.

Isn't this an elective scan? Why 2 hours away?

This is a nice surprise but not well organized at all.
As parents, we make it work or modify the plans, not put the resentment on an outside person because our plans do not happen as expected
I would take your son to the ultrasound, despite his sleep time schedule.

So many families live without family support and we manage.

crazyH Fri 14-Jan-22 12:37:44

Its such a shame you don't have a relationship with your parents, and now it seems, your relationship with your inlaws, is on a slippery slope as well. I feel really bad for you ...not easy. Most grandparents will jump at the chance of having an hour or two with their grandchildren. Perhaps a friend will help out just this once, for your scan? I hope you manage to sort something out....

Justamom Fri 14-Jan-22 12:40:59

silverlining48

There could be many reasons why she said no. You seem to see a lot of her so why not mention it lightly when you see her next.
You weren’t present when your husband asked her and she may have had a good reason to refuse, not that she needs to have a reason of course. Depends on her health, your son’s level of activity, her plans, all sorts of things.

Of course she absolutely does not need to have a reason to refuse or simply not want to. There has been times when she was working before she took early retirement that she would lie and say she was at work when in actual fact we would see her at the park with her grand daughter and we would just leave before she noticed as that’s rather embarrassing. so I can’t help but take it that way but I will try my best to lust look past it and not ask her again to save myself feeling this way

Justamom Fri 14-Jan-22 12:47:09

crazyH

Its such a shame you don't have a relationship with your parents, and now it seems, your relationship with your inlaws, is on a slippery slope as well. I feel really bad for you ...not easy. Most grandparents will jump at the chance of having an hour or two with their grandchildren. Perhaps a friend will help out just this once, for your scan? I hope you manage to sort something out....

Yes my mother suffers with mental health problems that only got worse when I was pregnant so I had to cut ties for my own mental health and for my children, my life is far better without them, although they both know where I am if they ever needed my help, it’s just better to love them from a distance for the time being. We have just cancelled it and booked another where we can take our little boy and it’s at a much more suitable time for his bed time😊

Justamom Fri 14-Jan-22 12:56:13

Hithere

N
Not a gran either, a mom of young kids

Why wouldnt your partner also arrange for babysitting?

Any person can say no to the request.

Isn't this an elective scan? Why 2 hours away?

This is a nice surprise but not well organized at all.
As parents, we make it work or modify the plans, not put the resentment on an outside person because our plans do not happen as expected
I would take your son to the ultrasound, despite his sleep time schedule.

So many families live without family support and we manage.

Hello, he is indeed dyslexic and didn’t realise the time he had booked until he got a text confirmation I’m guessing he got his numbers mixed up when booking, his plan was to bring our son like we do with every scan and most appointments.

Im very aware anyone is within their rights to decline i think i just found it hurtful that my MIL watches my partners brothers daughter every weekend. We have rescheduled for a later date during the day so my little boy can come along like he does with everything we do, we do not rely on anyone because yes as parents only we are responsible for our children I agree.

silverlining48 Fri 14-Jan-22 12:58:21

Makes sense, problem solved. Hope all goes well fir you.

Hithere Fri 14-Jan-22 13:34:40

If you feel your mil is playing favouritism, that is a different can of worms

Is your partner the father of your son?

So nice your son is included in the appointments sunshine

Dyslexia is a a tricky thing - however, why didn't he also arrange babysitting so it would be a worry free surprise for you?
Does he have coping mechanisms to overcome this condition?

grandtanteJE65 Fri 14-Jan-22 13:36:33

It was an unfortunate choice of words on you MIL's behalf i my opinion, but the only way you will find out if you took her up wrongly, is by asking why she couldn't look after your son.

Perhaps it is better just to let it go, as you might make things worse by asking what she actually meant.

What does you partner think? Does his mum often use expressions without thinking?

Probably would be best if he asked her what she had meant.

Curlywhirly Fri 14-Jan-22 13:47:27

I suppose we are all different, but, I try as much as possible to help both my sons (one has children, the other doesn't). It wouldn't cross my mind to refuse a genuine request for help. I suspect there are many mothers and grandmothers (though not all) who feel the same.

kircubbin2000 Fri 14-Jan-22 16:24:58

Why would you want a scan ?Sounds odd.

Calistemon Fri 14-Jan-22 16:33:13

kircubbin2000

Why would you want a scan ?Sounds odd.

So my partner booked me a private scan as a surprise
Perhaps it was a Christmas present.
🎁
I had earrings but each to their own.

autumnsun Fri 14-Jan-22 16:54:08

Maybe you could apologise(wait wait) for asking her for help as you know she's got enough to do(🙄🙄🙄)!!!!! explain your reasons why you had to ask (about the silly mix up with the times) make a joke of it then she might reflect a tiny bit & realise your predicament knowing your not just asking her willy nilly & your a thoughtful person (you sound lovely) also how hard it is for you sometimes (most of the time I'm sure) ) I've been in a similar situation (30 odd yrs ago) it is what it is good luck

Oopsadaisy1 Fri 14-Jan-22 16:59:10

My MIL was asked , just one time, if she could babysit for an evening and she said ‘um, I think not’ she regularly babysat her daughters children.

We never asked her again, thing is she didn’t care!

MissAdventure Fri 14-Jan-22 17:03:53

Well, grans are always being reminded on here that the parents have sole responsibility, and to "lower their expectations".
It goes both ways.