Gransnet forums


To be upset about a lack of response

(74 Posts)
mimismo Sun 27-Nov-22 15:16:17

Over a month ago I sent a cheque to a university student nephew for his 21st. I know it arrived because his mum fielded it and took it to him on the day. The cheque hasn't been cashed. Being obsessive I brood about this every now and again and make up all sorts of reasons. I've had to put a reminder on my phone to check with him in a month's time to try and stop looping about it. The same happened for his 18th. I sent cash and never knew if it had arrived or not. By the time I asked he'd forgotten if it had or not. AIBU to be puzzled?

mumofmadboys Sun 27-Nov-22 15:22:01

Don't bother brooding over it. It is typical of 21 year olds. They don't go to banks very often. You will know if he eventually cashes it and if he doesn't then it is his loss.

JaneJudge Sun 27-Nov-22 15:27:32

it's men but not all men ime

JaneJudge Sun 27-Nov-22 15:28:15

he should at least thank you though

CrumpetsForTea Sun 27-Nov-22 15:32:43

Leave it 6 months. If he hasn't cashed it by then it will be out of date and get bounced back by the bank.

Letitbleed Sun 27-Nov-22 15:33:21

Most current accounts now, allow you to pay cheques in on your phone,
I think it ill mannered and honestly, it would be the last gift I sent.

Theexwife Sun 27-Nov-22 15:33:33

I use an online bank and when given a cheque have to apply for special envelopes and then take it to the post office. I find it a bit of a faff and it can be months before I get around to it. Maybe his bank is online and he hasn’t been bothered to do it.

My grandson doesn’t even like cash let alone a cheque, I do bank transfers for him.

You could text him and say that you were concerned as it hasn’t been cashed yet.

AreWeThereYet Sun 27-Nov-22 15:35:29

I'd be a bit worried about it if it hasn't been cashed - obviously not just a case of a no 'thank you'. He sounds a bit absent-minded if he couldn't even remember if he cashed the last one. He may be keeping it safe until he buys something special so he doesn't inadvertently spend it all on bits and pieces.

I would just check with his mum to ensure he got it, just saying you noticed it hadn't gone out of your account, then leave it at that. It's a bit annoying though because you'll have to account for it until it gets taken out.

silverlining48 Sun 27-Nov-22 15:44:00

His 18 th and 21 st are now passed so if that were me I would just send a card in future. It’s rude not to thank you, after all with phones it only takes a second, so no excuse really.
I would be cross not puzzled. You know he has received it as his mother gave it to him.

V3ra Sun 27-Nov-22 15:46:48

There's being vague and then there's being rude/ungrateful.
We have two nephews, brothers, who I used to send cheques to (when they were used). I even wrote my email address in the card.
Never received a thank you. One year one nephew didn't even cash his cheque.
I didn't send any more.

Baggs Sun 27-Nov-22 16:04:10

Blimey! 🤯 I've never sent money to any of my five nephews, nor to any of my six nieces, nor to any of my six great-nephews, ditto four great-nieces. And some of the nephews and nieces haven't even started reproducing yet!

Quite apart from affording it or not, I'd never keep up and imagine how dire it would be if someone got left out! 😱

Baggs Sun 27-Nov-22 16:06:11

But I agree it's rude of him not even to have sent you a thank you by text, mimismo. If he's that scatty (or rude) he (a) doesn't need the money, and (b) doesn't deserve it.

He's the nevermore-nephew!

Hithere Sun 27-Nov-22 16:09:54

You may get annoyed, however this is not new behaviour

Less than polite? Yes

It is pointless to get mad about things you cannot do anything about
What you can do is stop giving the checks

Franbern Sun 27-Nov-22 16:10:02

Most young people do not use cheques at all. So, he has probably put it away somewhere 'safe' until he gets the opportunity, when he remembers, totake it into a bank. I have g.children who get really quite putout by a g.parent who insists on sending them cheques, and it really is quite an inconvenience for them. So, often they actually cannot rmmeber whre they put the cheque when they are going somewhere near to a bank. In future, find out their bank account details and do a bank transfer with the money. Safer for it, and ensures it reaches them.

Yes, obviously would be pleasant if they got round to saying Thank You. Perhaps if they had your email address then they would be more likely so to do. How, at present, do you expect them to send this? However, in my mind not the most important thing I give cash to all my g.children of secondary school age and above. TBH- I do not expect a Thank You from them, just pleased that I am able to do this. My AC receive money from Xmas directly into their Bank accounts. Again, I am happy coz I know it arrives their safely, I do like it if they use it for something special that they then send me a photo of that.

Would have to search to find my cheque book.

Doodledog Sun 27-Nov-22 16:10:57

If there is any way that you can send money other than a cheque, it would be so much more convenient.

Banks are getting thin on the ground, and are only open during working/studying hours, so it is really difficult for people to pay them in. The chances are that your nephew just hasn't been able to cash it. My children found cheques really difficult when they were students - they still do, although as has been mentioned, these days you can often pay them in online if you have an account with that feature.

I would mention it and offer to take back the cheque and pay it directly to his account if you can, or give the money to his mum to do it.

Hithere Sun 27-Nov-22 16:11:44

What you can do is stop giving the checks if this is a deal breaker for you

M0nica Sun 27-Nov-22 21:11:39

Why worry, he will cash it or he won't. Just do not give him anymore presents, either in cash or kind, until he learns to acknowledge and thank people who give him things.

I couldn't care less whether it is a man or woman behaving like this. Good manners are good manners.

Cabbie21 Sun 27-Nov-22 21:27:44

I would certainly stop sending cheques to him. He has reached 21 so a good time to stop.
I send a cheque to my nephew with the suggestion to use it towards an outing for the family (three children). It does get paid in. I would gladly do a faster payment into his account but as I never get a thank you of any sort, or any other contact apart from an occasional like on Facebook, I can’t. I haven't seen any of them for over three years, so maybe it is time to stop.

Norah Sun 27-Nov-22 21:38:23

We mostly give cash, works for those we give gifts to, they don't care for cheques.

Wyllow3 Sun 27-Nov-22 21:50:04

I was brought up to write thank you letters for gifts, but my grandchildren are not: I'm particularly glad we always wrote a thank you letter to an aunt, as it turned out much later on she was very depressed and those letters probably meant a lot.

I think a verbal thank you is acceptable, and a thank you is appropriate for your gift.

Frankly, I wouldn't bother mimismo if he really needed the money you can bet he would have cashed it one way or another.

If we do want give money - which its true many want more than a gran gift which may not be what they really want, then arrange a bank transfer.

In my family there was a sensible decision to stop giving gifts after a certain age across the board.

(that's different from going a bank transfer to for example a student or family member money to keep them going because the bank of mum and dad can't - and its really needed, that's another matter.)

BigBertha1 Sun 27-Nov-22 22:26:12

I do a bag I transfer on my mobilefor my nephew at university then I know he has got it and can draw it out straight away. A text comes several days later to say Thank you but not always. Will be doing his Xmas present next week as he is broke again. A cheque would be hopeless for him he probably wouldn't cash it either.

BigBertha1 Sun 27-Nov-22 22:26:40

Bank transfer!

annodomini Sun 27-Nov-22 23:10:19

I haven't sent a cheque to any of my GC for several years, although they all have bank accounts now, as they have always been very good at finding part-time work. I have sometimes sent them money by bank transfer, but am more likely to give them vouchers for whichever retailer they mostly favour.

Dickens Sun 27-Nov-22 23:11:56

I can understand the difficulty in finding the time - and a bank, since they're going out of fashion and only operate during certain hours.

What I don't understand is why a simple "thank you" is such an onerous task among some of the young. Even if you don't "do" email or texting he's undoubtedly got a mobile 'phone (it's probably frequently glued to his ear) - and if you're not on his contact list, he can get your number from his mum.

I'm not usually critical of young people, and often think far too much criticism is directed at them, but I know it's not unusual for them to be remiss about saying thank you for a gift. Oh I know they're busy with their lives but I refuse to make or accept that as an excuse for what is plain bad manners.

biglouis Mon 28-Nov-22 01:58:05

I run an online business and have one customer who pays me by cheque, usually for quite a large amount. I have to send it to the sorting center and usually use a recorded delivery so I know it got there. The first time this happened it was so long since Id used a cheque I had to ring the bank to ask what to do with it. The young woman I spoke to said she had never seen a cheque.

When I first opened a bank account in the early 1960s my grandmother was the only one in the family who had a bank account. My father was quite hostile about it because only "posh" people had them. I had no choice as that was how my salary was paid.

How times have changed.