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To think this is weird?

(87 Posts)
kittylester Sun 11-Feb-24 17:31:43

One of my oldest and dearest friends died a couple of weeks ago - her funeral is tomorrow.

We found out today that another of her friends and ex boss went to see her at the undertaker's with her son and daughter in law.

I have no problem with her going to see her ( I wasn't asked but I wouldn't want to) but I find it odd that she went with my friend's family - presumably she asked rather than being invited.

Or am I being unreasonable.

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 11-Feb-24 17:38:49

I don’t want anyone to view my body, but unless your friend left instructions to that effect - as I have - I suppose people outside the family can do so if the family are happy with it.

Judy54 Sun 11-Feb-24 17:41:43

I have done so as a member of the family but never as a friend. I would say that this is something personal normally for close family members.

BlueBelle Sun 11-Feb-24 17:42:11

They may have gone at the same time but I don’t think they would have gone into the room together I think they normally let two at a time in
I wouldn’t let it bother you
I always prefer to remember people as they were I don’t like viewing bodies I didn’t go to see either of my much loved parents I had no choice with my son-in-law as it was in Ireland and he was there for everyone to see

kittylester Sun 11-Feb-24 17:44:31

It doesn't bother me - I just thought it was odd. She did go in with them.

Celieanne86 Sun 11-Feb-24 17:46:08

As a retired funeral director I can tell you we have many requests to view the deceased person. It is not up to us to decide who does or doesn’t. All and any requests are passed on to the family it is their decision and theirs alone who should visit their loved one. Remember your friend as she was in life and the happy times you spent together.

Callistemon21 Sun 11-Feb-24 17:48:46

It does seem rather odd, I'd rather remember people as they are. I remember going to see MIL and the way the undertaker had arranged her just wasn't her and I can't forget that.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend, kittylester, it's difficult losing close friends, I know how it feels. 💐

Chestnut Sun 11-Feb-24 17:52:27

In this instance who actually knows what the deceased lady or the family wanted in this respect? I certainly find it weird that her ex boss would want to view her body.

Viewing dead bodies is something I find completely freaky and I have no idea why anyone would want to do it. Obviously we must all be different because the Victorians used to prop them up and take photos as if they were still alive. It's beyond my understanding.

Thank you for saying that GSM because I hadn't even thought about anyone viewing my body but I will make it clear I don't want that either.

Juliet27 Sun 11-Feb-24 18:03:21

I had the same experience Callistemon when I saw my dad. 😢

Callistemon21 Sun 11-Feb-24 18:06:23

Perhaps it's frivolous (sorry kittylester) but it reminded me of the Stephanie Plum books. Grandma Mazur and friends used to meet up at the local funeral parlour
Grandma Mazur also frequents the local funeral parlors because they are the social centers of the neighborhood. She sometimes peeks underneath the casket lid to see the dead body, causing hysteria in the parlor.

Callistemon21 Sun 11-Feb-24 18:07:44


I had the same experience Callistemon when I saw my dad. 😢

She wouldn't have been happy. I think she'd have nudged me and said "What were they thinking?!"

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 11-Feb-24 18:10:24

I have never seen a dead (human) body. I would rather remember people as they were in life, even if very ill, and I would rather be remembered that way.

Georgesgran Sun 11-Feb-24 18:13:59

My friend and her family almost prepared her Mum for burial,
They bathed her, washed her hair and styled it, dressed her and applied her make up at the undertakes premises. Now, I find that weird!!

I saw both my beloved Dad and Husband take their last breaths on this Earth and just want to remember them as they were, not as they were in death.

welbeck Sun 11-Feb-24 18:14:57

i wonder if that is unusual, for a mature adult i mean, to have never seen such.

Oopsadaisy1 Sun 11-Feb-24 18:15:02

I had to go to the Undertakers with the Police to identify my fathers body and my Mum died in hospital as I walked along the corridor to visit her.

I’d much rather I hadn’t seen them after they had died and I told the undertaker to close the coffin so that no one could view their bodies.
I had relatives who wouldn’t go and visit my parents when they were alive, but seemed all to ready to go to the undertakers and see them.

Georgesgran Sun 11-Feb-24 18:29:44

On a humourous note on a serious thread - I’ve told my DDs that if they cremate me without eye liner and mascara, I’ll come back and haunt them!

Romola Sun 11-Feb-24 18:30:10

To answer your question, kittylester, it does seem to me unusual that anyone outside the family would want to view the body of a dead person. Maybe it was a way of paying respect and saying goodbye.
I've been with a number of people at the moment of death: beloved aunt of DH, DM, DH and beloved childhood friend who had died just before I got to visit her.
But I have never been to see anyone at the undertaker's premises, smartened up for viewing. Death is death and that's what it looks like.

Oldnproud Sun 11-Feb-24 18:40:12

I saw my lovely dad in hospital an hour after his death. It was still hard to believe at that point that he was actually dead, especially as he was still very hot. While it was heartbreaking, it felt a lot more natural than visiting someone who has been dead several days and their appearance artificially 'normalized' by an undertaker, and I am glad I saw him when I did. With hindsight, that time spent with him still in his hospital bed actually means far more to me than his funeral.

But anyone would want to visit anyone other than very close family after their death, I can't really imagine.

Birthto110 Sun 11-Feb-24 18:53:35

Gosh I better make my wishes known - NOONE to see me. NOT AT ALL.

lemsip Sun 11-Feb-24 19:11:50

I think it's intrusive to go and view the body unless you are a direct relative! Even then I would prefer them as they were when alive.

my mother often told us that they make you look as you did when alive.. hair and bit of make up so you are not white..
she died suddenly in 1970.

I didn't want to see her but was encouraged to and had a dreadful shock and can still at times smell the heavy make up and see her dark hair brushed straight back as she would never wear it in a subdued lit room. I was in my twenties at the time and she'd died suddenly and was not ill.

Esmay Sun 11-Feb-24 19:13:15

Rather strange , but I think that Celieanne86 , as a retired funeral director gave the best answer .
Many condolences kittylester .
I've lost so many friends ( unfortunately some in their youth ) and still grieve over them .

flappergirl Sun 11-Feb-24 19:22:55

Having seen a number of dead bodies in my life, it is not something I would recommend. I do find it odd that her friend wanted to view her but even odder that her ex boss did.

GrannyGravy13 Sun 11-Feb-24 19:24:02

My DD and DiL’s have strict instructions that nobody visits me in the funeral home until they have sorted my hair and makeup.

JaneJudge Sun 11-Feb-24 19:28:06

People act weird when people die. I think we just have to accept that there is no right or wrong.

I’ve viewed two people close to me. I’m not sure it’s for me either but for others it brings comfort

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 11-Feb-24 19:28:25

I don’t want the undertaker to tart me up, just put me in the box and screw the lid down.