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Family who don’t bother

(32 Posts)
beebop79 Fri 23-Feb-24 09:45:27

My brother makes no effort to keep in touch or see us.
He and his fiancé have a son who we haven’t seen for 11 months.
We aren’t invited to anything z
We invite them to everything but mostly he doesn’t even acknowledge the invite.
His fiancé doesn’t speak to any of us. She sees her family. My brother doesn’t buy her with hers either.
I messaged him last week and told him exactly how we as a family feel.
We haven’t celebrated any of our nephews birthdays etc. didn’t see him at Christmas.
We write and text to our neither but these don’t get passed on,
It’s very upsetting but just brother just doesn’t car. He hasn’t replied to my message.
What should I do? It’s very sad.
We have had new additions to the family recently and my brother hasn’t bothered to meet them

Oopsadaisy1 Fri 23-Feb-24 10:11:08

My advice would be to let it go.

When he wants to get in touch with you he will, you’ve done your best but it doesn’t seem that he is interested.
It’s sad, but not all family members want to be your friends.
MrOops has a brother like that, we haven’t seen him for years, he hasn’t wanted anything to do with his family since he got married, now his wife has died he still isn’t interested, the family all went to the funeral but he didn’t want to speak to them.

pascal30 Fri 23-Feb-24 10:21:30

you have done your utmost to stay in touch but it seems obvious that he and his family are not interested in maintaining contact with you. you can with, clear conscience, let go now and stop contacting him.. respect his wishes

SeaWoozle Fri 23-Feb-24 10:28:55

You can't make someone have contact with you. Just because he's family doesn't change that. I know we all feel like we should have a connection or even keep a connection to family but if it's one sided then there's no point in trying to make it happen. I have an uncle who is the same. After years of (seemingly) having no idea where he was, I found him on FB. We've messaged and I get to see photos of his dinners (always look amazing!) but I'm certain that if I were to ask to meet then he'd decline. And I'm OK with that. I know he's alive! I wonder sometimes if just one thing triggers someone's inner "something" and they just think "from now on it's just me". Life gets comfortable and sometimes facing your truths, demons, whatever you want to call them is not the path folk want to take. As for your nephew (you don't say how old he is) maybe he'll get in touch of his own accord. Can you write to him?

Sending big hugs X

keepcalmandcavachon Fri 23-Feb-24 10:32:40

Sadly, there's not really anything you can do to 'make it better', but there is a danger of 'making it worse' and feeling even more hurt. As Oopsadaisy1 and pascal30 have said best let it go, sorry flowers

M0nica Fri 23-Feb-24 10:32:43

We do not choose our family. For all sorts of reasons, and none at all, some members of a family do not want to keep in contact with other members and act like your brother.

All you can do is accept that he is not interested in keeping contact with you, that he has no interest in what you and your family are up to and just get on with your life.

Send Christmas cards and birthday cards, perhaps with a few words of news and then get on with your life. Enjoy the ccompany of your immediate family and cease struggling fornthe unattainable.

This happens in most families. there is a relation, sometimes, close, like your brother, sometimes a bit more distance, who quite simply casts off, and gets on with their life with no interest in any relations. not estrangement, just simply lack of interest.

Sadl, you must accept this.

keepcalmandcavachon Fri 23-Feb-24 10:34:22

Wise words SeaWoozle.

BlueBelle Fri 23-Feb-24 10:41:44

Another in law problem there are so many
Are you a new poster Beebop ? if so welcome to the group

Theexwife Fri 23-Feb-24 10:43:11

You cannot make somebody want to spend time with you or make them like you. You cannot choose who you are related to.

Poppyred Fri 23-Feb-24 10:50:27

I’m sure I’ve read this scenario before. Have you previously posted about this bebop79?

biglouis Fri 23-Feb-24 10:57:38

This happens in most families. there is a relation, sometimes, close, like your brother, sometimes a bit more distance, who quite simply casts off, and gets on with their life with no interest in any relations. not estrangement, just simply lack of interest

There are individuals who do not feel that "family life" or activities outside their own immediate circle do not serve them in any way. Trying to "guilt" the person into doing family stuff is only going to make them more resentful and dig their heels in harder. I speak from experience.

Delia22 Fri 23-Feb-24 11:02:37

I agree with other posters. Some family members can just cut you off for no apparent reason. My DH,s brother died two years ago. We live a distance away. We did visit them fairly regularly over the years and all was well.However since she has been on her own there has been no contact from her .Taking into consideration she will be grieving my DH has phoned her a few times but the conversation has been stilted to say the least. No Christmas card from her either. Her daughter lives very close to her so perhaps she is all the support she needs.

Callistemon21 Fri 23-Feb-24 11:54:43

This is very sad, beebop79
It's disheartening if you feel you are always the one to make an effort only to be rebuffed.

It sounds as if it's only your brother and his fiancée who are like this, are they the same with all your side of the family?

I think it's time to stop trying, sadly.

Callistemon21 Fri 23-Feb-24 11:55:49

Ps You sound quite young, have you asked on Mumsnet for their take on this? They may have more suggestions.

nanna8 Fri 23-Feb-24 12:05:08

My husband’s brother doesn’t contact us from one year to the next. No contact whatsoever. If we email he might or might not send a one line answer. Upsetting but you move on and concentrate on your immediate family. Life’s too short to worry about people who just don’t want/ need family contact. Their loss.

Juliet27 Fri 23-Feb-24 12:14:45

Family members move on and I guess that’s the trouble nowadays - there are so many roads to take. In the past communities were close but now there are too many distractions which change our views and personalities and needs and the distances grow.

sodapop Fri 23-Feb-24 12:53:15

You have done your best beebop79 time to stand back now, sad I know but your brother has made his feeling clear. I would continue with birthday and Christmas cards and leave it at that.

Soozikinzi Fri 23-Feb-24 12:58:05

I remember reading some wise person saying - No answer is an answer .
I'm afraid that's how it is in your case .
You will have to move on from this as they obviously have . It's sad but I think nearly all of us have some experience of this in our lives . Stay strong.

FreedomAwaits Sun 25-Feb-24 20:55:01

Let it go. We used to have a great relationship with my brother, his partner and my nieces but then his partner went through some mental health issues and all contact stopped. I tried to reach out but it’s now been many years since we have seen them. I feel sad for my nieces and for my children but frankly if that’s how he wants things then we have to accept it. It’s been the same for other siblings too.

jeanie99 Mon 04-Mar-24 00:32:00

You cannot force your brother to be part of your family if he doesn't want.
Just let it go you will make yourself ill worrying about this.
Get in with your life doing all the things you want to do.

Hithere Mon 04-Mar-24 04:07:33

He is not into you

Let it go

Madgran77 Mon 04-Mar-24 07:54:39


Another in law problem there are so many
Are you a new poster Beebop ? if so welcome to the group

No it's not an "inlaw problem"! 🤔🙄

AlwaysSmiling Mon 04-Mar-24 08:03:12

I would never chase after a member of my family who has made it clear he/she wants nothing to do with us.

Sarnia Mon 04-Mar-24 08:08:26

Families don't come with any guarantees of being a copy of The Waltons, if you can remember them. The saying 'You can choose your friends but not your family' is very true and even though there are blood and marriage ties it doesn't mean that family members will get along with everyone else just because of that. My eldest daughter and son-in-law estranged themselves from both their entire families many years ago. We tried hard to build bridges with her but those efforts were always met with silence or nasty letters. For your own wellbeing you have to come to a point where you stop flogging a dead horse and get on with life without them. Hard as it is, let it go. They clearly aren't interested.

Oldnproud Mon 04-Mar-24 09:34:23

beebop79, the same happened in my family regarding my brother and sil.
After a year of no responses to come over to see our new house, I let it go. It hurt a lot at the time, but there was no point continually beating my head against a brick wall. I have to say, though, that my brother and I had never been close. He was three years older than me and had as little to do with me as he could even as a child. Mind you, that hurt me too at the time, but makes his distance as an adult more understandable..

That was nearly 30 years ago, but for the last couple of years we are back in touch, initiated by them.
As no 'words' were ever said about things at the time, it has been passed off now as 'losing contact'.
Things can change.