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Anger and sadness

(36 Posts)
Ylil Sat 22-Dec-12 12:52:14

My sister died this year, we've always had a turbulent relationship, but got closer the last few years. I was distraught when she died, but moving on I now feel some anger as she kept things from me that she knew I'd want. Stuff from my parents, and our childhood. For example, my mum remarried after my dad died. My sister was goven her engagement and wedding rings unbeknown to me.

Later, when we were clearing out mums place after mum died and I found some rings, I said to my sister, these must be mums wedding and engagement ring and she never once said no they are not as I have them.

I only got them when her daughters found and gave them to me. This happened with a few other things and papers to.

I don't want to feel guilty that I feel cross with her and sad, but I do.

vampirequeen Sat 22-Dec-12 13:00:33

You would have been angry if you'd found out about the things she kept when she was alive and you have every right to be angry now. We don't think well of the living all the time and so why should we think well of the dead all the time.

soop Sat 22-Dec-12 13:01:41

Ylil It's okay to feel cross and sad. I sympathise. You now have some precious keepsakes. Let go of the negative feelings, and move on. (hugs)

Ylil Sat 22-Dec-12 13:03:36

Yes, I should, let go of the negative feelings, now I've put them down in writing and spoke to my husband about it. I must try harder.

soop Sat 22-Dec-12 13:19:24

Well done. smile

Sook Sat 22-Dec-12 13:27:20

Was she older than you? She may have thought it was her right to have them, with no explanations needed. I can understand why you feel hurt and sad.

It is perfectly normal to feel as you do BUT don't let the negative feelings get the better of you. Good advice from soop and vq

Ylil Sat 22-Dec-12 14:26:24

Yes she was older. Perhaps you're right, just wish when I'd wrongly identified the other rings, she'd told me she had them.

Ana Sat 22-Dec-12 14:33:43

Perhaps she didn't want to hurt your feelings, Ylil?

Mishap Sat 22-Dec-12 15:29:12

I have a few nice rings - sentimental value really - wedding ring, engagement, silver and ruby wedding gifts from OH. I have 3 DDs and have specified in my will as to which go to whom - they will not really wear them I think, but they will have been treated fairly.

kittylester Sat 22-Dec-12 15:46:38

I expect your sister was embarrassed and didn't want to cause trouble Ylil

I have three 'good' diamond rings and 3DDs so why do they all want the same one? confused

granjura Sat 22-Dec-12 16:09:52

How to share fairly? It's almost impossible with jewellery and nice ornaments, etc. What is the best way to share if, as in Kittylester's case, all three like the same ring???

I imagine your sister didn't point out that she had those 2 important rings so not to upset you.

Ylil Sat 22-Dec-12 17:34:35

These replies have helped me see things from another perspective, thanks a lot.

Ylil Sat 22-Dec-12 17:40:17

I should just add, I mistakenly put this in arts, being new here I'm still finding my feet.

Nanado Sun 23-Dec-12 07:32:37

Welcome Ylil hope you enjoy GN.

Good advice above. It's always best to let go of negative feelings. It's surprisingly common to feel cross at someone who has died, it's part of the grieving process and this is where you've focused your anger. I hope you can 'forgive' your sister and remember the good times you shared together.

cheelu Sun 23-Dec-12 19:23:13

Ylil you have just mirrored mine and my sisters relationship, when our Mum died she was in there and hid all the gold and kept it for herself, when my Dad later died she kept money that he had in the bank to herself, she had his bank details. The reason she gave a family member was that I would only loose the gold anyway. Best thing to do Ylil is just let it all go, for your own happiness as at the moment it is upsetting you, a very warm welcome by the way..

Nonu Sun 23-Dec-12 19:26:47

Ylil welcome and enjoy

Ylil Sun 23-Dec-12 20:49:27

Thanks for the warm welcome, I'm enjoying being here.

My sister also took some money but when the solicitor processed the Will saw what had been taken and decided it from her share.

I know I must let it go. But. There was so much over the years, I never felt either my sister, until the last couple years, or my mum ever really cared about me. Sad isn't it?

I'm always telling my kids how much I love them.

Faye Sun 23-Dec-12 21:14:48

My second eldest sister took my mother's jewellery besides antiques, money and anything she wanted over the the years. When my brother phoned our sister to tell her he was coming over to pick up the jewellery and asked her why she had it, she said because our eldest sister would have stolen it. She was furious with me because she knew I had found out and asked my brother to get Mum's things back.

When we were trying to figure out where Mum's money had gone the bank manager gave us notes from a teller who had noted my sister going to the bank on her own and showing that she had Enduring Power of Attorney. She told the teller she wanted no one else to be able to go the bank with our mother. They of course refused her. We heard many stories from people working in banks about abuses of Power of Attorney when we were trying to figure out just where Mum's money had gone.

My mother often said things had gone missing and many family members said she was just imaging it. confused.

cheelu Sun 23-Dec-12 21:19:27

Ah Ylill, you sound so much like me, everyone shows love in different ways and maybe they loved you in their own way, I do sometimes tell my son how horrid it was for me, he tries to get me to see another side of things and it does make me think, I am quite sensitive and they just weren't at all. The good news is that you have children that love you and you love them and you can focus on them because focusing on your sister and Mum is a waist of your time on earth and time is so precious.....

Sook Sun 23-Dec-12 21:25:48

That's good Ylil I didn't have a loving relationship with my mother but I made damned sure that my two sons grew up secure with the knowledge that they were loved.

There is a huge age gap between my sister and I and when she talks about the mother she knew, it's as if she is talking about a stranger to me. I always knew that I was a mistake. It was only after my sister emigrated and I got married that my mother and I began to warm to each other. Sadly she died when I was 27, so many things were left unsaid and unanswered and I really regret that.

Be kind to yourself.

Ylil Mon 24-Dec-12 08:47:03

When my mother was dying, my sister was also ill with the cancer that took her, I was there for my mum, despite the fact she was never there for me, so feel I can hold my head up high.

Reading back on my posts made since I joined only a few days ago, it might read to some that I'm an unhappy person, I'm not, I have much to be thankful for, a good marriage, smashing kids, a beautiful grand daughter - I've found it therapeutic to put a few things down and get them out into the open.

Marelli Mon 24-Dec-12 15:39:17

Ylil, it really does help to put things down in words, doesn't it? It was good that you were there for your mum, and it would have meant to much to her at her own end. No doubt, like us all, she might have had feelings of guilt that it was too late to do anything about. Your being there will have lifted that for her.
Sometimes we feel burdened and vulnerable, and get angry at ourselves when we consider what others in the world have to deal with. But we aren't them, and we can only deal with what life chooses to throw at us. Enjoy Christmas with your family. You'll always find someone to talk to here. flowers

crimson Mon 24-Dec-12 15:48:41

Ylil; I sometimes read through things that I've written and it somehow seems to make more sense afterwards. It's good to write things down as and when you feel them, and even better to look back at them a few weeks or months down the line and see that a lot of problems have resolved themselves. It's very therapeutic to open up your heart to people on here; like a catharsis I find. But sometimes I do the opposite; when something sad happened to me many years ago [it wasn't actually very bad but it made me sad] I wrote it down and put it in a locket which I wore for a while. I called it 'my sadness'. I think you have every right to feel hurt about your mums' rings but I also think that you've now released that sadness from your heart and you can move on from it.

Ylil Mon 24-Dec-12 17:03:01

Thank you crimson.

Ella46 Mon 24-Dec-12 17:26:32

crimson that's a very comforting post somehow flowers