Can we solve the nation's parenting problems?

I think it depends on whether this is an 'attitude' thing or not.

Is the boy just wanting to do what he enjoys rather than applying himself ?
We would all like to please ourselves but in life we also have to be responsible. He is of an age where he should be made aware of his responsibilities.
Its all very well wanting to spend all his time on sports but not very realistic.
Perhaps a compromise / deal should be sought - He gets to do his sports on condition he makes more effort with other subjects.
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There is not enough info about this boy to know what the issue may be. I would discuss it with the school and work out if he is capable of getting good grades in other subjects - but is just being picky.

You can't force the young man but howabout encouraging his sport. You could find out about the type of degrees that want sportsmen/women - like Loughborough, get some information about it. Then discuss the options with the young man by saying that some qualification is required for him to continue with a life in sport. Help him approach clubs in the sport of his choice to find out what they can need from him to make it his career. Then you can both make a plan for his future schooling. Academia isn't for everyone and he will resistant the more you nag. You haven't said if he has any idea of what he wants to do after he leaves school.

I was relieved that my teenage lad did that bare minimum - better than nothing. He scraped into university because he knew that we would give him no option there, and he scraped through a science degree, having encountered the joys of alcohol as a student.

He has done well in his dual careers as a training solutions designer, and as a Captain in the army reserves, so I guess that 'bare minimum' worked for him. He likes to work hard - now.

PS
The army sent him to East Timor and the base where he was stationed did not allow alcohol: I guess he got out of the habit because he drinks very little now.

Things have a habit of working out in the end.

My daughter -in-law had a similar problem and after lots of arguing sat down with her son and asked him whether he wanted her to back off and leave him to decide whether to study, get to class on time, prepare for exams etc - all of which she'd been nagging him about. She offered him the choice - either she would continue to help motivate him or would leave him to make the decision himself. He said he didn't want her to back off - but needed her to keep nagging! If you give your son the choice [time-limited maybe] - and then stick with whatever his choice is, he will have to dela with the consequences. But he has to stick with it too.

P.S. Many years ago my son did hardly any school work after 15. I nagged and pleaded. He didn't get very good results and didn't go on to university but is now a skilled, well paid, hard working man. Some kids are just late developers.

The lad is 'sports mad' so is active, fit and healthy, taking part in regular structured activity with like minded kids, and not falling in with the wrong crowd.
He is doing his allocated homework and keeping out of trouble at school.
Sounds to me like a fine lad who'll do well!
If he wishes to do sports at uni/ college then he should find out exactly what academic subjects he'll need to get in and and focus on these, with plenty of positive encouragement from home and no pressure, which with most teenagers is just counter-productive.
This boy is already focussed, motivated and doing well. Who could ask for more of a 15 year old?

This is a very specific case we are commentig on. I would like to make a suggestion that we think of general discipline which should start from the beginning. Every child MUST learn that NO means NO. Even an infant can give your nipple a bite and a growl will tell them NO. The use of a 'grrh!' works well for minor trangressions. Lionesses and bitches use this to discipline their cubs/puppies. I had four children and they quickly learnt that when Mum said NO she meant it, and I had very little trouble as they grew up. Yes , they were allowed to manage their own homework and decide what effort to put into their schoolwork but they had good exaamples to follow for I and my husband worked hard to attain our targets for the family generally.

I have to agree wholeheartedly with you baggy, finally. Giving homework to a six year old was ridiculous, children need to be playing after school. I disliked my teenagers having to come home from a day at school and then having to do homework and me having to nag my them to do it. They hardly did any if they could get away with it. I only asked of them to pass each year so they wouldn't have to repeat it again and they knew they had to complete high school. I would have agreed to them leaving earlier if they had gotten into a trade.

The eldest two went to uni at aged 19 and 21 after a few years of working and travelling and excelled, they both loved every minute of it. The youngest intends to do midwifery in the near future.

I'm with you on this one, Expatmaggie. Sound advice! I had 4 children - 2 girls who both did the most they could - illustrations to essays, full pages, the works. One son did half a page if that's what was asked for, no more and no less. He needed 5 passes to get to do the course he wanted, and that's all he got, but he passed his college course with flying colours, doing greenkeeping and exactly what he wanted to do. 1 girl and 1 boy graduated from uni. 1 from college, and my other daughter went to Uni and did a couple of years but decided it wasn't for her. Very proud of them all, but at the end of the day they all got to do what they wanted in life, and have never been out of work, working as teenagers, Saturday jobs, vacation jobs, and now fully employed in interesting jobs. The exams and homework are a means to an end - they know their own level and no amount of nagging will produce anything more than they are prepared to give. Just support them all the way, be a shoulder to cry on in tough times, console and encourage them if they need to do resits, but praise well at the end - and not just the blessed A-stars! ALL passes count, and nobody every remembers what GCSE or A level grades you get! Just as long as they continue to get on to the next stage of their education/life. I suppose it is a different matter if they are deliberately bunking off school/college or have got into the wrong crowd, you probably need to be more forthright with your opinion - but will they listen at that point? Hey ho...!

Have you had the discussion about what he is aiming for in the next 2yrs and 5yrs? Does he have any sort of plan or target and if he does, is he aware of what he needs to achieve academically and/or through experience? If he has some sort of focus he is more likely to be prepared to do the work. If not I agree with expatmaggie, he has to learn cause and effect through practical expereince even if it seems tough. My three girls went to uni age 18, 21 and 23, i.e. when they had a focus and were ready to put in the work.

I really agree with Gurugran and Lynette. The boy has a talent and this should be celebrated. My two both did only the minimum (if that!) and they had success at GCSE.

Sport - v good
No trouble - brilliant
You're doing well.

See what the teachers say about the exams.

Talk about what he wants to do in the sixth form and then prioritise the work accordingly.

Keep up the sport.

I agree entirely with this, help and encourage, but do not force, be there if they need you, but kids need to play, relax, and just be kids.

As an ex teacher who had to set homework every week (school rules) it used to drive me mad the ones who would not do it and got the backing of their parents. Homework was an indication to me that the pupil had understood the lesson and whether I had to go over it again, and a reinforcement of the knowledge. there are parts of everyones lives that we don't like but just have to get on with it. Who loves ironing but still has to be done. Saying all that making a 15 year old do something is not an easy task. I would partly agree with gurogranny is he in trouble at school and disruptive or a model pupil apart from a lack of homework, if he comes from a good supportive family he will turn out alright. I always found out that if you take something away from teenagers they wanted it more. My disruptive pupils would be sent out of the class with the comment you don't want to learn this lesson so that is ok with me sit outside and somehow they then wanted their rights to learn. Hard to do but if you say ok don't do your homework you are old enough to make that decision about the lack of choices you will have when you are older then it is your responsibility, the backing off may come as a shock and they may think they may be missing something. A difficult one for sure.

He's sports mad and keeps out of trouble at school? What more do you want from a fifteen year old boy?!! Good on him I say, for keeping fit and doing what's needed. He'll turn out alright.

There are plenty of careers to be had in sport. All the great sporting organisations and teams employ staff with qualifications in everything from law to physiotherapy, from sports science to engineering. PE teachers, coaches, referees, ski instructors, kayak instructors etc and etc all need qualifications. If your son (and I'm assuming he isn't another Beckham or Murray) simply wants to participate in amateur sports he's still going to need a job to buy the gear, feed himself and pay rent.

If you've said all this and he still isn't biting, then say no more for a while. Remind him every so often that he might think about a way to combine his love of sport with the necessity to earn a crust. There are plenty of role model adult males involved in sport who might nudge him in the right direction.


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Sometimes it is the brightest people who seem not to care. They are the ones who do the least work because they can just get by with the minimum effort and are not inspired to try harder. It's only when their interest is really aroused that they will demonstrate their true abilities.

It's probably too late to do anything about it now. If you wanted him to 'knuckle down' to his academis work then you should have sown the seeds a long time ago when he was still at primary school by insisting on a few minutes (initially) set aside, before he went out to play or watch TV, to do his reading, homework etc.

I don't agree with soem of the comments above who seem to think that even moderate amounts of homework is a waste of time and an imposition.

It is all about deferred gratification - the old marshmallow test!

I still think a 15 year old teenager is not going to go along with his parents turning themselves inside out to find a way for him to do more than his necessary homework. He will just withdaw even more.

Looking back to when our children were teenagers we never spoke about leaving school and getting jobs at 16. We didn't discuss it in their presence at all. School was there to be suffered until you were 18. We assumed the girls would stay on and they did.

Our eldest daughter drifted after school into an office and after a few exams she left and went abroad as an Au Pair. The she came back and started training as a midwife. She said all the girls on the course had done other jobs beforehand. Somehow at 22 she finally knew what she wanted to do it was almost a calling. She loved it- all of it.

I had the same experience with my son. He sailed through GCSEs and then spent 3 years not getting any A levels. After working for a year he realised he wanted to go to University. He did evening classes whilst working and went to a very good University and now has a very good job earning more than I was earning at the end of my career. He is motivated and hard working because he is interested and sees the relevance. School just did not do it for him at the time.
In contrast, my youngest daughter sailed through GCSEs and A levels scoring the highest A grades and went to a very good university and then things fell apart. She had been totally spoon-fed in her sixth form college and did what she was told and got the grades. At university she had no idea how to be independent in her learning and lecturers were not prepared to spoon-fed her any more. She dropped out 3 weeks before finals. She eventually transferred to a university near home and managed to complete her degree after 5 years. She has only been able to get low paid jobs and has been travelling for a year. She arrives home today - I'm hoping she'll now get the motivation she needs to find a job she wants to do and that's not going to be easy in a recession. She's now 26 and with no work track record to speak of earning enough to keep herself is not going to be easy.
My eldest daughter struggled at school with dyslexia and only got 6 GCSEs. DId a BTec in performing arts which she loved and was good at. She then drifted into waitressing and ended up managing in a prestigious chain of restaurants. By 24 she decided she wanted to study, came home and did an access to higher education course at the local FE college and went to one of the top Universities. She did really well, followed her degree with an MA and then got an ESRC funded PhD grant. Ten years and she is about to submit her thesis. So proud of what she has achieved. And she has a lovely baby too.
No amount of nagging (of which I did copious amounts) had any impact on any of them. You just have to support them and be there for them as they make their own choices and decisions. Homework? Largely a waste of time.

Yes, what a good idea to involved with this debate.
1. Be fair and firm in the way family behaviour takes place.
2. Most importantly then be CONSISTENT in the way this standard of behaviour is maintained
.3. Most difficult of al .......good parenting is HARD WORK . You need stamina. (is this why it often fails ?)

My son only ever did the absolute minimum to get by and no threats or coercion could get him to study hard. Fortunately for him (very fortunately, in fact) he decided once he had been at work for a year that to progress to the job he wanted he needed a degree and should have gone to uni. He was able to get into uni a couple of years later than normal and got his degree, albeit a 2:1 (he said he couldn't be bothered to work hard enough for a first!) and has now got a great career.

What I am trying to say is that the decision to study had to come from him - there was nothing we could do to make him work hard. In fact, I didn't even encourage him to go to uni as I thought he was just after an easy time partying!

I would praise the effort that he does make even if it is, as you say 'the minimum'. I would also provide some resources based around the things he really is interested in (sport), I would create worksheets to incorporate maths, speeds, weights, measurements etc (if you are not confident to do this find a willing volunteer, or check out what is available online) and I would encourage reading about his sporting hero's of the past and present. Doesnt have to cost anything, visit your local library. I once heard a quote although I have no idea who said it....."If they can't learn the way we teach, then we must teach, in a way that they can learn"

There's some great advice here. I would just add that it may be worth talking to the school to find out just how important the homework is - or not. I think 15 is a bit young to "let him do what he likes". Unfortunately too many 15 year olds do just that and regret it later. He needs to realise that what he does now will certainly affect him for the next few years, so he needs to decide what he wants out of life. If he is really passionate about sports, but he's not going to be a sports star, he's probably still going to need qualifications to earn a living from it.

Actually maybe not Harrigran

I agree with everything here