help with an uncomfortable conversation with inlaws

I guess that, when women have babies they are the focus of attention and their husbands/partners tend to get ignored. My husband seemed to suffer from a sort of post natal depression when we had our first child. It certainly wasn't the happiest of times for us, with hormones flying about on all sides.

I think it's lovely that chester21 says that "he is always looking after me" She sounds as though she really appreciates him and what he does for her.

Sounds as if you are just feeling a bit fragile at the moment, chester. That's OK. We all have periods like that and people can be insensitive. All the best.

PS I note that you said partner, not husband, but there is no difference.

chester21 Do you need to wait until they ask how DH is? surely somewhere in a conversation about other things you can slip in
"...and it is a good thing that DH is feeling a bit stronger now ....."
or "......and of course, DH is still not feeling 100% fit ......."

Maybe they think that if neither of you is commenting, then your attitude is either
a) the episode is over and no need to discuss it,
or b) it is none of their business now that he is married and has you to look after him, and no need to discuss it

You are young chester21 by the time you get to our age you will have developed thicker skin and broader shoulders and be able to shrug off annoyances. This is life.

i spose it doesnt help that he has recently been in hospital after fainting he told them and his brother that he was restricted and they just ignored the comment so he was a bit hurt that they didnt appear to listen to what he said. i think it is just my hormones up and down and just want someone to make sure he is ok as he is always looking after me

It's probably safer, and easier on your peace of mind, if you don't have particular expectations of what they're going to say or do. jangly does have a point — if they see your DH frequently, they probably assume he's fine unless you or he tell them otherwise. Why wouldn't they? Babies, on the other hand, can come down with odd little illnesses or puzzling things and they are considered more delicate than a grown man.

Could it be because your DH is a big strong boy and really doesn't need to be asked after?

we went to see them today and i just smiled and looked at the other half when we got the same questions again that we answered last time we saw them who answered with the same answers that we said last time it was like they think that we are going to change how we do things. but the one thing that still grates me is the fact that they STILL havent asked how my other half is they always ask how ds is but never their own son could you please explain why they do that i just cant see it. Am I being stupid and the answer is staring my right in the face.

I learnt all I know about modern parenting from Mumsnet. I joined at my daughter's suggestion when she was pregnant and it helped me understand all the new terminology and techniques. I also read a lot of MIL and grandparent threads which gave me a good idea of what was deemed helpful, what was seen as interference. Perhaps your PIL might not appreciate being 'referred' to mumsnet but I think they would actually enjoy Gransnet and, hopefully, pick up on the Guidelines for Good Grandparenting.

Can you not say to them, when they suggest something you disagree with, that things are done very differently now because there has been a lot of research. Perhaps buy them a couple of parenting magazines, or suggest they look at Baby Centre or Mumsnet, and say in a kindly way that you have found them very helpful, and it might help them to understand why you are doing things the way you are. My DD has similar problems with her MiL, but just swallows hard, smiles sweetly and then has a good old moan to me.

I would suggest talking to them, very nicely though. We had to have this talk because my inlaws were so incredibly in love with DS that they stomped all over our boundaries and made things VERY unpleasant for us. We were basically expected to put up with everything they did and said because they were new grandparents and extremely excited. They didn't even realize what they were doing and made a lot of changes after the talk and we also made some on our side. I don't see why the new parents have to put up with things that really make them uncomfortable, within reason of course. Both sides need to give and take.....

I second that Baggy - very sensible comment.
chester21 - good luck and enjoy your baby. Have fun too

Good luck and enjoy your baby, chester. My gut feeling is that people who don't get what they want should stop telling other people that they're selfish and just be a bit more sympathetic towards someone whose life has just experienced one of the biggest and most amazing changes it can experience and who may be, quite naturally, feeling a little overwhelmed and wanting calm and quiet around her to allow the exhileration to settle.

Gillybob i am so sad to hear about your situation. i personally think that your dil is very selfish, especially as you do so much for them.

I also agree with what Charlotta has written we were in hospital for 6 days when we were finally discharged we never told anyone until the next day when we told family only but requested a day to ourselves to get settled before receiving visitors. this may sound selfish but wanted to get home put all the bits in its place and just figure out what the heck we were ment to do lol.

on the topic of 'THE CONVERSATION' me and oh had a conversation today about if it was worth saying anything. we both agreed what has been said in the past should stay in the past and if any comment is said that is upsetting or rude etc just to say thank you for your input/we will think about it or something along those lines, the only thing i am not sure about is oh want to say something about the lack of concern they have towards us as a couple, they have never once asked how either of us are since ds was born. I personally think leave well alone and do as i did to my family when they ask how son is say fine thank you so are we eventually they got the message and now ask how we are as well as son.

Thank you all again for talking sense into my hormonal brain it is truly appreciated.

This idea of keeping your children to yourself surely can't be of benefit to them. Grandparents are also very beneficial to their grandchildren. Anthropologist Margaret Mead once even stated that connections between the generations are "essential for the mental health and stability of a nation."
It is so very important for them to have as many adults that love them in their lives. Its not really about how you feel it's about how your children will develop into functioning adults that don't have a lot of hangups.

My daughters wanted me straight away too, as did my DiL. Just goes to show everyone is different and there are no 'rules' or one-size-fits-all when it comes to family relationships.

My daughter wanted us with her straight away. (Me, her dad, and her sister).

We didn't stay at night. Travelled there each day. (about an hour round the m25). Took an easily cooked dinner with us every day.

It was great to bond with dgs while daughter went for a nap.

My daughter is a midwife and she maintains that grandparents especially MIL should visit after one week. The new mother is in fragile mental state and needs peace and quiet to come to terms with her changing hormones, the demands of a new born baby and being a mother with all the responsibilities that that carries with it.
When her first child was born we went to see her only after she had invited us, after 5 days it was. I never thought I had any rights as a grandmother to intrude on the new family if they wanted to be alone.
As for all their good advice just say Yes of course, and ignore most of it. Go and see them if you must and 'Chat' about something else, put baby in the pram and let MIL push it. She'll enjoy that!

Hi Chester21. I am a gran to my son and daughter in laws 3 young children, which I am sure many members will agree puts me in an awkward situation. My daughter in laws mum ALWAYS comes first and knows best and will always be the number one grandma. I think this is pretty much always the case. I try never to offer an opinion (if I'm not asked) and would never put my son in the position of having to defend his wife or myself (that would be awful). My DIL never attends any family functions on our side, shes always too tired, ill or busy or just can't be bothered however she is always extremely quick to take any presents or handouts.

I have long since given up expecting any thanks for childminding 2/3 days and nights every week, for buying school shoes, school clothes, coats etc. and feel lucky that I get to see them as often as I do.

I am sorry to sound such a whinger but would just like to say that there are often 2 sides to every story. I would love to hear my DILs side.

Take it easy Chester and although not given to dishing out advice I will give two pieces here. Count to ten before you respond to things that are said to you and sleep on things before you make decisions. Things often look very different the next day- technically its called unconcious processing and its very powerful give it a try and Good luck

Chester I'm sure no one on here would want to make you feel down, but just want to explain our view of the other side of the situation, although none of us really know the full story or your reasons for not wanting your in-laws to be too involved with your son.

Whatever you decide its you and your partners decision, be firm about the way you both want to bring up you son, but just remember a child can never have too many people to love it and one day you may be glad of your in-laws to be more 'hands on' so try and leave the door open for his grandparents to share his life too.

Take care and enjoy your beautiful baby.

my parents live in wales we see them about 1 or twice a month i would love to see them more but as i cant drive and they both work full time it isnt possible. in a way i do prefer that as they have all said if i lived closer they would be round all the time!!!!!!! I dont have a really close relationship with my mum really and as soon as i was old enough and had a full time job i moved out on my own then moved away a couple of years later. thinking about it JessM this may very well be influencing my feelings with DH's parents

Yes good luck Chester and cut yourself some slack.
You don't have to be supermum. And you are allowed to be sensitive when you are a new mum. We are not (and were not) all blessed with sensitive MILs and DILs and families all have different sets of expectations about how things should be arranged.
(I remember my PILs getting outraged because i had served them with SOUP the first time they came to visit us in our first home!!! and my cousin's FIL says things, over dinner, like "What's this muck your giving me now?" )
You don't mention your own parents, so I wonder if there is something going on there, or not going on there, which is affecting the way you are feeling about your DH's parents.