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What do grannies think...

(14 Posts)
afar Thu 22-Sep-11 07:26:43

When your adult kids had their baby/ies and came to visit you, did you expect to be the only one holding, feeding and comforting him/her, to the exclusion of everybody else and the parents? If the mom or dad went to pick up baby when crying did you feel slighted? If someone else like a cousin or aunt ask the mom if they could feed or hold baby, did you go and take baby from them because granny has more rights than everyone else?I'm trying to deal with issues I've had with MIL and need to get a feel for what grannies think...

Annobel Thu 22-Sep-11 07:33:31

No to all the above. And I couldn't feed them because all my GC were breast fed. I'd had my own children. It was their turn to be parents.

kittylester Thu 22-Sep-11 07:41:09

I agree with Annobel - I've done my bit! I will happily do anything I can to help (if asked) but the babies are not mine!!

Middle daughter's friend's mother in law is a nightmare though. When they go to stay there she has a cot in her room for the baby. Daughter's friend now has to take her own travel cot so she can have her own baby in with her. Mother in law has been known to turn up at 9.30 at night and go straight to the baby's room and pick him up for a cuddle.

Baggy Thu 22-Sep-11 09:32:19

It's your baby, afar. You make the rules. Grandparents should be sensitive as to when support and help is needed and give what they can. They should not take if they want a good relationship with the parents of their grandchildren. They certainly shouldn't come blundering into your lives being grabby and possessive.

em Thu 22-Sep-11 09:57:45

It's understandable that GP's want to share the new babies but I knew that my future cuddles were guaranteed and was only to happy to see my own sisters and friends visit to see and hold them too. It's far nicer to be handed the baby for a cuddle than to grab it possessively. DD was happy to see other visitors but would have said very quickly if she was unhappy or thought baby was being handled too much.

susiecb Thu 22-Sep-11 09:58:36

afar you seem to be having some problems here. My mother did this to me when others were around asserting her rights over her grandchildren. I am very aware of this and try to behave myself with my daughters little boy although I have to say sometimes as a grandma I long to hold him and cuddle him but I know its not my place and have to share with the other set of grandparents. I make sure I have some time when I can have him all to myself. I think you are going to have to gently assert so as not to hurt feelings here.

Gally Thu 22-Sep-11 10:08:21

Stick to your guns Afar. The only problem I had with my Outlaws was that they didn't help enough! Now I am a Granny and my 3 daughters' Outlaws are all nearer to them and see much more of the grandchildren than we do, I thought I would find it hard and the little green man would leap up onto my shoulder, but quite the opposite has happened and we all get on very well and act appropriately for each family's needs; We all always ask if we can pick up/feed/bath or whatever - but they are always happy to oblige! Very, very difficult for you and so unnecessary when you want to enjoy your baby to the full, but I think you have to make your views quite clear now otherwise it sounds as if you are going to be walked-over. Good luck.

Grannylin Thu 22-Sep-11 14:55:42

Yes you set your own rules as the Mum! I have become a grandmother for the first time this year....both sons have had a son, so I have had to experience DILs with new babies. When I go to stay with DIL1 I have to constantly be wary of what I do and say....(son beckoning me into the kitchen and saying. 'don't say his feet are cold' etc.etc)
Son and DIL2 have just been to stay and so I was quite nervous about how to behave....the complete opposite....their attitude was....'we are completely knackered, please have him as much as you like!!

supernana Thu 22-Sep-11 15:12:26

afar as a grandparent I try to be aggreeable [not assertive], supportive [not demanding], mindful [not taking for granted]...

Be firm. Your baby, your rules.

absentgrana Thu 22-Sep-11 16:42:59

afar We've had threads on both extremes – mums confused and unhappy about grannies who seem to take over new babies and grannies who don't seem to have any interest in them at all. We've also had a mum who couldn't understand why a granny wanted anything to do with her grandchildren.

Is this you mother-in-law's first grandchild? If so, she's finding her way as a granny, although not, perhaps, getting it quite right yet. The mothers of sons have often been the Queen Bee in the family for such a long time, they sometimes find it difficult to step back a bit. Giving precedence to a younger woman doesn't always come easily.

I would suggest you thank her when she is helpful and ask for her help when it suits you – and, trust me, there will certainly be times. Equally, you can make it clear, without being rude or aggressive, that you're the baby's mum and you're going to do certain things with him/her your way and when it suits you. Smiling helps a lot when you say this.

It is worth persevering. Grannies can be so important and valuable to children and make a huge difference to family life for everyone.

afar Thu 22-Sep-11 17:51:05

When DH and I asked her to tone down with the grabby thing we were told that we were possessive especially since we got to see baby everyday. She had zero respect for personal space and had no problem grabbing him out of my and anybody else's arms when she thought it was her turn. To this day she doesn't think she did anything wrong and sees no reason to even apologise for her behaviour. Unfortunately her intense need pushed us away....

silverfoxygran Thu 22-Sep-11 18:56:24

Don't be pushed away. This situation could get completely out of hand. Next time she goes to take the baby tell her quietly and firmly you would rather she waited. A short break from the situation should get the message across but don't let it be to ever. Your baby will always love you more than her and she may feel that she is losing her son - after all she is no longer the most important woman in his life.

On a positive note - remember how you feel now so in the future you can avoid this situation....that way you will be a wonderful grandmother and mother-in-law.

GrannyTunnocks Thu 22-Sep-11 20:31:11

I agree with all the others. It is your baby not hers. However it is not worth falling out over as children can build up a great relationship with grandparents. I have 4 and love them all to bits but try my best not to take over when the parents are around. They make the rules and we grannies have to follow them

nanapug Fri 23-Sep-11 18:49:46

Think it may be a MIL thing. Both my DDs MILs took over and cuddled the new baby to the exclusion of others at the first visit immediately after the births of their babies. I think it is a statement saying that they are important people in the child's life. Think it could be that they realise that the daughter's mother often takes priority and they want to stake their claim and prove a point. That is certainly the case with my elder DDs MIL. This last time (third baby) my DD carefully organised visiting times so it was fair, and we all had our slots to ensure not too many by the bed in hospital and fair access for all. The only person who did not conform to the "slots" and outstayed her times was her MIL, who told her precious son that it was her grand child and she would visit when she wanted. Needless to say she is not my DDs favourite person......