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Yesterday in the car with husband (sleeping) children I had confirmed to me what I have suspected all year which is that (i) my MIL dislikes me, my initial reaction was that she hates me (ii) it is her intention and has been the precedent for more or less every single christmas since i met my husband 10 years ago, to be with us on christmas day.
I am now dreading this christmas as it is the first where it is totally clear she intensely dislikes me before she even arrives. Any strategies for how i should cope with her being here (and for every christmas between now and eternity)
A bit of background:
- Have been married to husband for 15 years, two children 2 yrs and 9 months
- MIL and FIL divorced due to MIL going off with someone else when my husband was about 10, followed by (as i understand it, I have not asked the details and its just the gist i have got) several unstable years for my husband with various new partners for MIL resulting finally in MIL settling down with a very nice man 10 years her senior (he is now about 85, MIL is about 60)
- MIL lives on her own having refused numerous marriage proposals from about mentioned new partner, they see each other every week but live apart (some small distance about an hour in the car I guess)
- not sure what kind of role my husband played when MIL left FIL all i know is that he hated it and it left a lasting impression on him although he since has said things like all women are evil (he has stopped saying that kind of thing since I picked him up on it) and is alternately very close (almost inappropriately so) and then does not want any contact with his mum
- when we first married MIL asked a lot of questions about how close I am to my family and was glad to hear that I am not particularly close to my family - i thought nothing of it at the time but now it all fits in
- we live about 6 hours away from MIL so visits are infrequent although obviously husband speaks to MIL on phone - this year she has seen our children once so she has a very justified complaint that she has not seen our children enough although son is now resistant to this
- in summary I think MIL tolerated me when we first married but now she hates me and has made it clear
The phone conversation was yesterday on the loudspeaker in the car - they raised the issue of Christmas quite agressively saying they had booked a hotel and after my husband said we (husband our children and me) wanted christmas day on our own as a family and could they come boxing day onwards, they both (MIL and her partner) got very pushy and agressive with MIL grabbing the phone and shouting - "is all of this [MY NAME i.e daughter in law]'s doing?"
It is not my doing infact apart from the conversation about us spending christmas as a family i have had no other conversation about christmas with my husband at all
My husband replied "[my name] is sat next to me in the phone you know" - short pause, then MIL says "fine" and slams down phone
There is other background to all this but husband (on his own initiative) admits MIL has been rude and that she must not come - husband seemed angry - after that he phoned MIL leaving a message saying the invitiation generally to come to christmas was cancelled
However knowing how things go with his family MIL and her partner WILL still come for christmas and 3 days afterwards
MIL regularly bitches about my housework (i can say with hand on heart my housework is good, not perfect but our house is clean and regularly kept that way by both me and husband - MIL makes comments that husband has to do far too much due to my laziness because i work 4 days per week)
How will i cope - i can only imagine she will arrive but not speak to me for 3 days and this will be the case for every christmas going forward
Do I just keep my head down in the kitchen. this is my current plan
- on the housework front for example earlier in the "car" conversation my husband said we were going to the supermarket to allow the little ones a run around (it was pouring with rain just something to do on a sunday afternoon) and she was very sarcastic assuming I think i leave all the supermarket shop to my husband on a sunday afternoon (she didnt think i was in the car at that stage)
- she can be a bit flirty with my husband in her tone of voice which sometimes he plays up to or am i imagining it (i wish i was)
- we never (and i mean never) go to my parents which is my choice but just making the point because it is not like it is unbalanced
i realise i am likely to come under some criticising posting on here but my intention is just to ask how you would like your daughter in law to act in this situation? At the moment i am thinking if only i could afford a nanny i would employ the nanny to be here at home with the children whilst they visit and i make myself scarce
Sounds like you're well on your way to some resolution here redblue and your DH has made some helpful and supportive comments. If she's not the sort to try to fit in and make compromises, I agree with others - stand your ground and keep Christmas for your children.
Hotel booking definitely better for both sides.
Could you invite for lunch another lonely woman so that MIL would have someone of her generation to mutter or
'gringe' to.
A few years ago a couple I know took pity on me - invited me to Xmas lunch.The other guest was MIL who was a perrenial problem.I managed to connect with her in animated conversation .My friends still say it was the best 'Christmas with Mum' they'd ever had.
Thanks everyone for all of your posts which are very helpful
Inspite of my husband telling them not to come I think they will still come and I will be ignored by MIL. My husband will keep the conversation going with them and MIL will play with the children. I know they will turn up at the last minute unannounced (or my husband might not tell me till the last minute even if he knows).
Stansgran - my MIL is not like that, she is not really the kind of person who wants to help. I think she would see it as disrespectful to her if she did do something like taking the children out and I am certain the idea of bringing bedlinen would be totally unacceptable. Last year she bought her cat with her because she did not want to leave it in a cattery but I felt guilty about the fact that it had to live in an ensuite which had some unreliable heating, I got an extra heater to try to keep it warm but I am not sure it was the right solution.
To be fair to her whenever we have stayed at her house (my husband's business arrangements) she has always been extremely kind, polite and a great hostess, faultless but I was there because my husband wanted to be there for his own business arrangements and even then i felt uncomfortable like there was a slight edge, I cannot explain what. I have felt more comfortable since we have not had to stay because husbands business arrangements have changed. So in some ways I feel indebted and guilty but now I feel like the spotlight is somehow on me and that I am being accused of taking her son / grandchildren off her (I am not, provided she is not actively trying to destroy my marriage)
Carol I feel encouraged by my husbands words but i am not totally certain - maybe he just thinks all women (his mum, me) are just "stressful" but I never wanted to be in this situation in the first place
Maniac good suggestion but I am sure MIL would be offended if there was someone else at her sons house when she arrived
Hope things improve redblue. This is a situation that you seem to be bearing the brunt of, and it's time the onus was shifted on to your husband to maybe put his mother in her place. I wonder whether he would be willing to take this on, given he has made these comments that you come first? It would certainly help if the spotlight was taken off you.
Thanks Carol
And thank you to everyone who posted, you have really helped me with your input, I know I am not perfect and I absolutely hate confrontation but this situation is not straightforward. I don't know how it will turn out unfortunately but thank you for taking the time to post, it has helped me
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