Objective view sought - dreading mother in law for christmas - any practical tips / pointers?

Thanks Carol
And thank you to everyone who posted, you have really helped me with your input, I know I am not perfect and I absolutely hate confrontation but this situation is not straightforward. I don't know how it will turn out unfortunately but thank you for taking the time to post, it has helped me

Hope things improve redblue. This is a situation that you seem to be bearing the brunt of, and it's time the onus was shifted on to your husband to maybe put his mother in her place. I wonder whether he would be willing to take this on, given he has made these comments that you come first? It would certainly help if the spotlight was taken off you.

Carol I feel encouraged by my husbands words but i am not totally certain - maybe he just thinks all women (his mum, me) are just "stressful" but I never wanted to be in this situation in the first place
Maniac good suggestion but I am sure MIL would be offended if there was someone else at her sons house when she arrived

Thanks everyone for all of your posts which are very helpful
Inspite of my husband telling them not to come I think they will still come and I will be ignored by MIL. My husband will keep the conversation going with them and MIL will play with the children. I know they will turn up at the last minute unannounced (or my husband might not tell me till the last minute even if he knows).
Stansgran - my MIL is not like that, she is not really the kind of person who wants to help. I think she would see it as disrespectful to her if she did do something like taking the children out and I am certain the idea of bringing bedlinen would be totally unacceptable. Last year she bought her cat with her because she did not want to leave it in a cattery but I felt guilty about the fact that it had to live in an ensuite which had some unreliable heating, I got an extra heater to try to keep it warm but I am not sure it was the right solution.
To be fair to her whenever we have stayed at her house (my husband's business arrangements) she has always been extremely kind, polite and a great hostess, faultless but I was there because my husband wanted to be there for his own business arrangements and even then i felt uncomfortable like there was a slight edge, I cannot explain what. I have felt more comfortable since we have not had to stay because husbands business arrangements have changed. So in some ways I feel indebted and guilty but now I feel like the spotlight is somehow on me and that I am being accused of taking her son / grandchildren off her (I am not, provided she is not actively trying to destroy my marriage)

Hotel booking definitely better for both sides.
Could you invite for lunch another lonely woman so that MIL would have someone of her generation to mutter or
'gringe' to.
A few years ago a couple I know took pity on me - invited me to Xmas lunch.The other guest was MIL who was a perrenial problem.I managed to connect with her in animated conversation .My friends still say it was the best 'Christmas with Mum' they'd ever had.

Sounds like you're well on your way to some resolution here redblue and your DH has made some helpful and supportive comments. If she's not the sort to try to fit in and make compromises, I agree with others - stand your ground and keep Christmas for your children.

There is so much good sense said by everyone that "redblue" you are spoilt for choice. My MIL was not easy and when there were really bad times I pretended to myself that she was a complete stranger and was as polite and pleasant to her as I would any stranger in my home. It saved my sanity. I have two lovely daughters-one I stay with but I take the sheets pillowcases and sometimes new pillows and make up the bed when I arrive-working women need all the practical help they can get-hand your MIL the sheets as she arrives and say how much you would appreciate her help as you are running to catch yourself up if she is not in an hotel. My younger daughter has just moved but invited us for xmas-I have booked a luxury hotel as our Xmas present to ourselves and are walking distance from her house. Best of both worlds. ask your MIL to take the children to a Family service at your local church it will give you time to yourself and her time with the children(sorry for the hypocrisy even if you normally don't attend) After Xmas dinner say- I need a rest There's the dish cloth it's all yours and leave the room no discussion-you've cooked wrapped and laid Xmas- it's your time.

DH comments sound good!

Well - I am going to take a bit of a dogmatic view here. Christmases with little children are very precious, both to them and to you as their parents - there are so few of them when the little ones believe in Santa and are awed by the magic of the twinkling lights etc. That is your priority at the moment - to make Christmas as special as possible for the children. Childhood is too short and cannot be wasted. It is not going to be special with MIL breathing down your neck, given the history.

I spent just one Xmas with my in-laws and vowed we would never do it again, especially if we had children - and we never did - it was just too grim and I wanted my children to have happy magical memories. We did not fall out with them, we were just clear about our priorities.

So....I think you need to say to this lady (face-to-face, by email, by letter - however you think you can manage) that Xmas is a very special time for the children and you want to have that as your absolute priority - to make it magic for them. Tell her she is very welcome if she can share that priority, that you know she has some problem with you (having heard the phone conversation), but that you want that to take a back seat for the sake of the children. If she blows a fuse, you will know it will not work and you will have to say no to her wish to be there.

Now - the other alternative is for you to grit your teeth and be as sweet as you can - but you will setting a precedent for all the Christmases of your children's magic years, and they will never have a Christmas without you being on edge.

I would be inclined to try and stand up to this lady - appeasement is not always the best answer if children are involved and will lose out. There is no need to start a row, but you cannot undo the experience of the phone call and she cannot expect you to pretend that it did not happen.

Oh Redblue he sounds very loving and caring. I think you need to start thinking about what you and he want in your life, and stick to it. There is always the opportunity to change your minds in the future.

maybe there is hope for this issue as between my husband and myself (i hope so)
At least in words my husband has replied to an email from me to him today as follows so he appears to be saying the right things to me. But no I dont know for 100% certain what goes on in private phone calls between husband and his mother, I can hardly ask to control these can i?

HIM
Our marriage and family takes priority over any relationship with my Mum. She'll be OK.

Xx

ME
But i dont want to be the cause of that
I want you to have a good relationship with your mum and i want her to see her children
I accept that not all MIL get on with their daughters in law but i would always like to be polite and kind to her and facilitate her seeing you and the children
I do not want her (or my family) to break up our marriage (or be a factor in it)
i will leave you in peace now

HIM
I have never spoken to my Mum about our marriage or will ever do so.

As regards Christmas I have told them they can;t come on Christmas day and, frankly, I'm not sure I'm going to let them come any other day either. You need to be at home on Christmas day

It is a tricky balance between tolerating these things and sticking up for yourself redblue
But imagine yourself 10 years into the future. Are you able to put up and shut up without resentment?
I know someone who does, but her DH is very very kind and tolerant to her mother and her extended family, so that enables to grit her teeth and be pleasant to an insensitive and sometimes unkind MIL, without building up a backlog of resentment. But there are times when he does not stick up for his wife when his mother is bullying her and then I could cheerfully kick him. At the end of the day husbands first allegance (cant spell it) is to wife and children and parents need to understand that.

(this is a close friend and not me by the way!)

I bit my lip, for nearly twenty years, and managed never to say what I was thinking to my difficult M-i-L. Partly, I think, because I had never been so disapproved of in my life. When she died, however, I was glad I hadn't had the rows I could have had with her. Sometimes just getting on with it is the answer. Mind you, they didn't live close to us...

redblue. I think this is a tricky situation and it seems to me you are trying very hard to be reasonable to everyone except yourself.Sadly, reading between the lines, I think the problem is between you and your DH and you need to resolve this before you try and take on MIL -alone. Your little family is what's most important here, ((big hug.))

Mamie it has never been actively discussed, since early days pre children when she just came and I didn tthink much of it and was quite easy going, but ever since we had our two children there is almost an assumption (by her? by my son? definitely by her) that she will come for christmas every year

letting my mind think too much about it makes me think maybe the extent to which MIL was unhappy about her son getting married in the first place let alone to someone she thought was unworthy of him - is something i greatly undersestimated at the time of our wedding.
I would not be surprised if she wants him living back near him

For the future, have you thought about suggesting one year on, one year off? We have a very good relationship with our children and their partners, but we recognise that it is nice for them to spend Christmas on their own without the extended family and we also enjoy a quiet Christmas with just the two of us.

Why, if they booked a hotel, are you putting yourself out to get the spare room ready? The hotel sounds like the best solution all round.

redblue, sympathies! I think you need to talk to your husband about what you want at christmas and go from there. If having your MIL to stay in your house means you have to take a day off work to prepare a room for her, I think you are trying too hard and would suggest that you relax a bit. Putting in so much effort isn't working, according to your story, so why waste the energy? I would suggest that in a non-agressive way you simply pursue a 'take it or leave it' approach with her. You shouldn't need to upset your ordinary working and domestic patterns just because your MIL is visiting. Anyone visiting a household with young children needs to be fairly flexible and if they aren't they are being unreasonable, in which case staying in a hotel and only visiting during the day (and departing by tea-time, preferably!) sounds like a good idea to me.

There's no rule that says a MIL has to like her DIL, or vice-versa. You just need to be polite to each other. If you don't like each other (which is fine), that's another reason for her to stay elsewhere than in your house. You're not stopping her from seeing the grandchildren or her son, but you're drawing boundaries for your own needs. Good luck.

jessm, yes there probably has been some colluding between my husband and my MIL in the criticism of me. i have taken the tac of never addressing it partly because i have no clear proof and partly because i dont want to create any more tension at home, i am hoping the early baby years is something husband and i can get through and husband will come down on my side rather than MIL even if the precedent in his family (ie his mother herself) is one where marriages break up
not sure whether this is the right action by me
husband has a stressful job and i try to make home peaceful to the extent it is in my power

thank you so much for all your replies which I will read properly if my two babies have a sleep
mondays is my day off work and i do all of the sheets, first thing on my to do list, one wash down two to go!!, will read your posts properly asap and thank you all posters for taking the time for posting on this thread

After putting her foot in it spectacularly she is either going to feel embarrassed and chastened or she is going to further rationalise her dislike for you. However now is probably the time for you to stand up for yourself with your husband. Has he been colluding in such conversations for years?
He is inevitably going to feel torn but you have a right to demand that you get some respect and consideration in this matter. If he wants to invite her to the house then you have the right to expect polite, non critical behaviour.
Many people go through a stage of "growing up" in their relationship with their parents in their 30s or 40s and now may be his opportunity...

carol
fair enough about supermarkets - no they are not playgrounds
it is just somewhere to go when they have been cooped up inside all day on a rain all day- day - we dont have any relatives to visit nearby - yes we do play "active" games with them at home as well as read books, do puzzles etc but sometimes it is good just to get out. FAOD i make sure to keep them well under control in the supermarket if they are allowed out to look at the toy isle etc

thanks for your posts which i really appreciate and will read (especially any practical tips)
husband and i have had a challenging year in terms of our marriage with two young children and a lot of sleeplessness, some money and career issues and very little time to ourselves
my husband has not been 100% happy and nor have i. I am not 100% sure whether MIL has "led" my husband in conversations about whether he is unhappy with her own agenda (i.e she dislikes me) but i am fairly certain husband now (at least with me) acknowledges that he needs to think first in terms of our family
i have asked myself whether my behaviour is manipulative or excluding of MIL and i can honestly say it is not - my husband sees his mother without me whenever he likes (i encourage it) although she lives a long way away so that is infrequent. he regularly talks to her on the phone when i am not there. so there is some insecurity in our marriage but if i were a betting person i would say that left to ourselves we will sort it out.

on the booked a hotel front this is a first year suggestion for this every year prior to this they have stayed at our house. there is some anger (maybe not anger but not sure what the right word is here) that they have booked a hotel. i dont have much annual leave left but i would need to book a day off work to get the spare bedroom sorted if they were going to stay, i have emailed my boss about getting a day off work before christmas to make up the guest room as i think they will come for sure

Yes - agree with the others. You must rise above it and take lots of deep breaths. My daughter in Australia has a similar problem with her MIL and has just learnt 'to live' with it and keep her own counsel - I think it's a mother/son problem - not wanting to let go (Oedipus comes to mind - from the Mother's point of view only I hasten to add!) Your MIL is obviously up for a fight so don't give her any opportunity to do that. Grit your teeth and smile and concentrate on things domestic, the babes and your DH. Good luck