mother of grandchildren has mental health issues. Who can help?

Fiknit Although I have not had any experience with what your parents are going through there will be GNers who can advise you and point you in the right direction,I think that until your sister receives the help she needs your parents will continue to carry the responsibility of the children which is not good considering your mums health at the moment,once your sister takes the help available and stands up to her responsibilities things should get better.Can the childrens father not care for them when your sister has a crisis or is he not on the scene in a regular capacity.

The kids GP or any school they attend should be able to direct you to services if you explain the whole situation. There maybe a Home Start scheme or a Parent support worker that could help. I would have thought that if your sister has been in psychiatric hospital and kids were cared for by your parents they will be known to SS. it may mean you do have to express concerns for the safety of the children to get a response & I wonder if you would want to do that..very tough decision.
If your mum is ill who takes care of the children now?

Thank you for your responses. Forgive my ignorance Glammanana- what are GNers please?
The father now lives a 4 hour drive away. He has the kids for a weekend every fortnight as determined by the court. Apparently they come back a bit disturbed after being with him. It must be very disruptive for the little chaps.
My sister is known to SS and last time she was in crisis care my parents told SS 'we can't cope'. SS were supposed to organise emergency care for the children but this never happened. The kids stayed with my parents over Xmas and then went back to my sister when her medication had been upped. THen we go around again.. I feel that SS are failing my family here but I don't know what the solution is short of the kids going into foster care? And my parents can't bear the thought of it. Which i understand.

Nanaej - my mum is now out of hospital having been given the all-clear from her stroke, and so the nephews are now with my parents again.

But what else could Social Services do, but offer short term foster care when needed? Wouldn't that be the best thing? If it really is making your parents ill.

Hi j04 Yes I agree that it would probably be the best thing but my sister has to give her consent and her mental health situation makes that difficult. I have been advised that foster care is 'expensive' for the local authorities and therefore adoption would be the only longterm solution available. My parents seem unable to let go, I guess that's the real issue isn't it.

Also, short term foster care would not solve my sister's situation, which is very much a long-term problem..
I suppose what i am asking is, as a daughter, how can I best help my parents through this difficult family situation?

The reason that SS place the children with the grandparents during a crisis I would suspect is to try and create some continuity for them so that they are with people they know and love. Often if willing family are there, then SS like to take a bit of a back seat. But they do need to understand your parents' problems and limitations.

The ideal situation for this family would be to receive proper support at home to help your sister be a better parent when she is well; and to provide support to your parents when they are caring for the children. Unfortunately this sort of support is costly and organisations like Home Start are having their funding cut.

I think it would be reasonable for you to have a quiet chat with the SS and suggest that a discussion should take place to find a way of helping. The mental health services need to be involved. It should be pointed out that the foster care option is not what is being requested - but that some support at home is vital. It would be better for this discussion to take place when things are ticking along reasonably so that a plan can be made at a time when there is no ongoing crisis.

Poor little scraps - you must be so worried. I hope that things improve a bit for you all.

Well, perhaps all you can do is let them carry on caring for their grandchildren when needed. I can see they wouldn't want them to go to strangers. It's not ideal for them but having to let them go would probably make your mum iller than this is making her.



I hope your sister is getting good care. And I hope things improve for them all.

Thank you mishap - I will try again to talk with SS as a concerned relative, but I suspect you're right, that the kind of day-to-day care that would be valuable here isn't really available. Of course I talk with my sister too, but she takes everything as extreme personal criticism so it can be rather difficult. Yes I am very worried all round, really! But thank you for your comments, I really appreciate the time you have taken to write and it does help me to try to think through this maze.
The nephews are adorable and I am going to look after them tomorrow

I agree that you parents would be terribly upset if the children got adopted or fostered. GNers short for gransnetters. Us grans get very emotionally attached - it may be difficult for you to understand the intensity of that if you are not so close to the boys. Sound really hard on you all.
Are both of the children in school or only the 5 year old?

This is a difficult situation for all of you Fiknit and it illustrates how fragmented Social Care has become over the last twenty years. It also depends on where your sister lives as services do vary greatly in different parts of the country. You say your sister has been in 'crisis care' - does this mean she has been in hospital or under the care of the mental health Crisis Team? Does she have a Care Coordinator? If so then you could try to speak to that person about the fact that you don't think your sister is coping and she needs more support from Children's Services. However they will be bound by confidentiality and unable to discuss any details with you unless you have your sister's permission. Equally, your parents would need to be ready to accept any support that may be offered. It seems from your post that perhaps the first thing that needs to happen if at all possible is that all family members should talk about this situation together in an honest manner. Is there any chance of that happening?

OH of course.. GN = Gransnet!!! I was a bit slow there, sorry..

Sorry I missed most of the above posts while I was typing!

Hi Nightowl & thanks for your message. My sister has been under the care of the mental health Crisis Team on a few different occasions. This care normally lasts a week or so. I suppose I could ask to speak with my sister's care co-ordinator? Last time I tried to call they would not speak with me. An additional problem is that my sister resents me somewhat due to my career (I am a successful musician) and will take anything from me as criticism rather than 'trying to help'. Bit of a psychological minefield here! I think my parents are willing to accept the help but I am not sure my sister is willing to relinquish 'control' over her situation. It really is rather messy.

IN terms of the fragmentation of social care, i think you're absolutely right and it is really evident to me in this case.

Fiknit I think you have every right to ask to speak to the care coordinator. Just explain that you are not asking them to pass on any confidential information; you simply would like some advice to help your sister and your parents. You could of course contact Children's Services yourself but I do feel the mental health services should be taking a lead in this. After all, it is for the benefit of your sister's mental health in the long term and they need to take a more holistic view. Good luck, I know it's a minefield.

Mental health will say the children are Social Services responsibility.

Social Services will let your parents take the children as they're struggling to find placements for children who have nowhere else to go. Unfortunately/fortunately the children have a safe place they move down the Social Services list.

Are the children on the Child Protection Register (it's not called that now but people will know what you mean if you ask)? If they are there will have to be regular meetings which include your sister, your parents and all the agencies involved. If they're not ask why not as they seem to be at risk.

When I was a foster carer we undertook respite care for a few children, always the same ones, so that coming to stay was a normal part of their lives as they got to know us well. I don't know whether SS would be able to organise something similar for the children, so that your parents did not always have to step in.
I hope an acceptable plan can be put into place.

I think your first line is to talk to the various organisations involved in your sister's care after explaining that you understand about confidentiality. As long as your parents keep taking the responsibility I don't think you will get any help but you should push what you think it is doing to them

If this fails a letter to your MP might be beneficial.

I think it needs to be said that your sister probably cannot do anything about her condition herself. It is so easy for those with no experience to think that people with mental health issues can help themselves, usually they can't. It is frustrating but has to be accepted

From what you have said Fiknit I don't think the children's circumstances would meet the threshold for the child protection register (child protection plan). They could undoubtedly be seen as children in need but in most areas resources are so stretched that children in need do not receive any services. The main problem may be that your parents are doing such a good job of providing support that no agency will recognise the need for anything extra. I do understand how concerned you are about your parents Fiknit but I think you should try to encourage them to ask for support rather than try to do everything yourself. You could risk being seen by your sister as interfering and that is likely to make her even less willing to listen or accept the need for help. I can't see how any progress can be made unless everyone can begin to acknowledge the difficulties and need for a backup plan.

Yes. That's what I was thinking of shysal. Some neighbours of ours used to take children in on that basis.

There's a lot of good advice given so far. I am wondering if one thing you could do is try to take a step back so as to lessen your own anxiety. Although your parents are in their 70s really it's up to them to make the final decision on what they are going to do in this difficult situation. They will probably struggle on as long as they can in the interests of their grandchildren.

Best Wishes.