CONTROLLING PARTNER

I agree with philly- see my post below. The time comes when you really just have to act.

when how right you are about other men in the family challenging the behaviour of bullies,when DD had this problem we had to wait until she made the decision to end the relationship as he had ground her down so much she could not make a decision,after he was put out by the Police and after a fortnight of abusive threats her two brothers made it their business to see him and had a few quiet words with him (nothing violent as they had their careers to think of) but it did the trick and he now keeps out of the way even though he still lives in the same town.Something tells me though that he will not let it rest though and I am still on my guard when ever I have the children with me.

Do what we did - we went and got our daughter and baby grandson and brought them home to us ( we feared for her life ). Next my (ex prop forward) husband gave him a fortnight to leave the house which belonged to our daughter . On the appointed day we had new doors fitted to the front and back and he was evicted. Then one of her best friends moved in with her to make sure they were both safe. As with all bullies he was a coward and did not argue with my husband. It had a happy ending - she is very happily married to a gentle caring man and she has blossomed.

I wish we could hear more from men who hate this type of behaviour from violent men. I'd really like to know what men do to challenge abusive behaviour when they become aware a relative or one of their mates is doing it to a female they know about. If they are challenging it, and not just complaining about it, they're keeping it pretty quiet! One would think that men could help to regulate the abusive men they know. Women aren't asking for protection - just some flippin' support!

JAP I along with others have great sympathy with you and your daughter and any family, as with other posters, our daughter has been through very similar thing, we could write a book between us all couldn't we girls!!!!

I like O/P think it would be a good idea to maybe try and get your daughter to come to you for a "little visit " if that is possible, and for her to just bring any little things that may be personal (most things toys/clothes etc) can be replaced in time. We as mums are well aware or of the "Mr Nice Guy" syndrome! and CANNOT!! be fooled.
It is just getting your daughter to decide to make the move and go for it.
It took my daughter many many yrs of leaving. going back. leaving having him back etc etc . she has now moved on a little, not much but a little, she still has to see G/S dad ( the *******) as we know him!! as G/S things the sun shines out of his aris!!!
hope your daughter makes the brave decision , good luck , keep us posted .

I hate this kind of man, a good book for every girl to read is 'The Charm Syndrome' by Sandra Horley.

There's a book which I recently bought called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans which I can't recommend highly enough. It goes into exactly the things mentioned in this thread, with explanations as to why some people behave in this way and methods of stopping the abuse if possible. Also says if you feel you are in physical danger you should leave immediately.

The book is positive and supportive and it might help just having it there to refer to.

JAP

Some years ago I worked with a girl who was experiencing physical abuse and I assume also mental abuse from her partner. I had to spend many months boosting her confidence and helping her get the courage to leave. Over a period of months she gradually brought all her important and sentimental things to me to look after and then planned her escape. She found a job a long way away and somewhere to live and then one day (before starting the new job) left for work as normal and came to our house to collect my 15 year old son and then went back when her partner had left for work and they collected the rest of her things and she moved right out of the area.

She is now a happy confident married woman with 2 lovely children and a good job.

I know this isn't quite the same but it does show that life can change completely. I wish her luck.

Wise words, nellie ((hugs))

Such good advice jap from nelliedeane and vampirequeen.
I too have been there ...when it got physical I knew I had to walk ...but up until then thought I was doing something wrong/my fault etc as only abused when no one else as a witness.

Your daughter is lucky in having your support

Sadly Annobel a lot do my GDs problems are to do with living in this type of environment,they see manipulation bullying and violence as a way of life after all they know no other way,bringing her up is so different from bringing my two up.
Again sadly they also try to mimic what they have seen,and very often unless nipped in the bud history repeats itself,she may look for a man with the same traits as her father as we unconsciously do when meeting prospective partners she will also identify with a down trodden mother and see that also as normal,but in these cases it is only the woman who ultimately will make her own decisions,trust me have been in that position,she ill turn on those trying to help her and think they are separating her from her 'loving partner' she has to realise this for herself be prepared is all I can say have numbers and as much information to hand and essential paperwork etc and personal items in a place easy to grab...xxxxxx

I bow to the superior and very sad experience of Nellie and Vampire, but I am still worried about the effect on the little girl as well as your DD. Do you ever have her to stay on her own?

JAP This is awful for you and hope you have found these posts helpful. I think the posts from JessM, nellie and Vampire are really valuable. Paticularly the last paragraph from Vampire's post.
All the very best.

The problem is that these men drip the abuse into their partner. If he started out abusive she would probably have walked immediately. But they're very sly. They start off really nice. Make you feel like a princess then gradually chip away at your life. Ideally they isolate you. I ended up with no friends and no one to turn to. They make you feel everything is your fault. I spent so many years thinking if only I was a better housewife/mother/earned more then things would change. But they don't change...he just moves the goalposts. You can never succeed because he has to make sure you never feel good about yourself. Then every now and then he offers you a straw to grasp. A little thing that makes you think he loves you and will look after you because by now you're convinced you can't look after yourself. You are convinced that you're totally useless.

What you need to do is make sure your daughter knows she's not alone. Bolster her as much as you can. Let her know that when the time comes you will be there even if she picks up the phone in the middle of the night. That you will protect her no matter what because she will feel incapable of protecting herself. Also she needs to know that she's not a burden on you. She will feel terrible that she has 'failed' to create a good marriage. She will see it as all her fault. Let her know she's not alone. Many of us have been there and have successfully escaped. She can do so too.

Those of you who know my situation,know that Domestic violence was the reason my daughter died
I done a number of courses to understand what happens the signs and why it can happen,Domestic violence doesn't have to be physical abuse,in fact many women say those scars heal it is the constant mental abuse,destruction of confidence,and fear that is worse.
If possible monitor the situation but also without putting pressure on your daughter persuade her to have bank books passports child benefit/benefit paperwork in one place and any personal sentimental photos etc in a place where they would be easy to grab or take should the need arise maybe keep some things at your home should she have to make a quick exit,but please don't put pressure on her to leave as it is proven that this doesn't work,just support her decisions and have info to hand such as numbers for Domestic violence /hate crime unit and they will help with safe house refuge etc.
On average it takes 32 calls to the police before a woman will leave.
8 women a year die as a result of domestic violence.....in 2004 my daughter was one of those....once he has alienated friends and family,usually after a pregnancy and children please look for signs of bruising with unsatisfactory explanation,taking to wearing clothing to cover arms legs etc which is out of the ordinary unexplained cancellation of visits etc....Just be aware*jap*. Sorry if this is a bit heavy and alarmist,but better safe than sorry

Please, Jap, try to get her and the child out of this man's control. It can have no good effect on the daughter to have this sort of thing going on within earshot. How does he treat her? Does his bullying extend to her as well? Or does he favour her and try to make her disrespect her mum? Either way, it would be destructive. So, if not entirely for your DD's sake, definitely for your GD's, try to get them away. The argument that it is going to affect the child's development and her relationship with her mum is likely to be what will persuade your DD to get out of the situation.

Immense respect for those of you who have been through this.

JAP I'd want to do everything I could to get her and the children away!

Mishap was correct when she said this is a form of domestic abuse -constantly undermining someone is very destructive. I hate hearing he is Mr.Nice Guy to everyone else ,must make her want to punch his lights out. Why does she feel she can't cope on her own? He knows this and there you have the power. His abuse could escalate onto physical abuse. It's also not a good example of married life for your grandaughter who you say witnesses all this. JessM said to get a solicitor, in fact she has given some good advice. Could you not help her with that even though you do live at a distance. Can you go and stay with them and try and help her out. If my daughter suffered this I'd have said something to Mr.Nice Guy a long time ago, but then that could open up another can of worms. I have said to people in the past that you wouldn't put up with this sort of behaviour from a friend. Why from a spouse/partner.Best of luck Jap what a horrible situation.

It is coming back to me now. I went to see a solicitor and he said - you may never get back into the house, so take anything really important with you. He was pretty much right too. I never got any photographs of the children and would have none, if i had not inherited my mothers collection. I too planned my escape carefully, even though i was only moving to my mother's. He would not leave me alone there until my stepfather who sent him a solicitors letter.
Men like that are very often charming - that is how they get gullible women into their power in the first place.

My daughter was in similar position eight years ago. We ended up just going and getting her and the children and bringing them to us. She was way beyond being able to make the decision herself or being able to take action, as she had been so undermined by him. She rallied almost as soon as she was away from him and hasn't looked back since. She says she is pleased that she got away while the children were still small. They are so convincing, these men, and so clever and manipulative.

Yes, well done to all of you who have escaped an abusive relationship. It may have been hard, but it must be such a relief. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for my own DD who did convince her partner to leave, but still does not feel safe.

vampire
jap just give your DD as much support as you can

Respect vamps

I escaped from such a man a few years ago. That's what you have to see it as....an escape. I planned mine very carefully. I knew that if I left then had to go back I would never be able to get up the courage or strength to do it again. These men destroy you mentally. I used to think it would have been better if he'd hit me then I would have had bruises that I could have shown to others and they would have believed me and helped me. I had to leave not only 'Mr Nice Guy' but also a man who was chronically ill. So I was doubly wicked as far as some people were concerned. Of course they didn't see the man I saw. He'd been like it all our lives not just when he became ill.

Fortunately my mum had seen through him and she helped me with my first months rent and bond. I found a house and although I had no furniture I moved in. I managed to get a second hand sofa and I slept on a mattress. I had my move planned for 5th January and was going to tell him that day but he hacked my computer desktop and found out a couple of weeks before. It was hard but I stuck to my plan although he was even more horrid than usual.

Gradually my self esteem improved....it's not brilliant but it's so much better than it was. My little house is my safe place. It may not be full of 'stuff' but it's amazing how much 'stuff' you can comfortably live without when you have peace of mind.