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My mother - not supportive to my future family plans

(21 Posts)
NfkDumpling Fri 13-Jul-12 11:27:39

I think Vampirequeen and Alison have it about right. You need a fresh start, new beginnings so you can move on with your lives. Four hours is at long way so you'll probably find your relationship with your mum and sister will change anyway. More chats on the phone and maybe instead of weekly/monthly visits your mum will come for a week at a time - or you will end up staying with her or your sister - or not! And when you're qualified a different relationship again, more equality, authority and less dependence.
Mainly you have to do what you feel is right for yourself, your kids and your partner. Go with your gut instinct. Good luck!

despiseddil Tue 10-Jul-12 13:40:32

Alison, My new partner is very supportive which is one reason I can consider moving somewhere we have no contacts. Maybe that's why she cut down her support, I'm not sure. Things are different with a new partner to with the childrens dad though... At the beginning of our relationship we had weekends together when they were with their dad, all this had to stop abruptly when he collapsed drunk looking after them, as this revealed his serious alcohol problem. So it has taken some adapting for the children, my partner and me. We now function as a whole and my partner is quite capable with them. The transition took time for everyone to get their heads round. So my Mums help was gratefully recieved just so we could continue having some time as a couple!

Bags Mon 09-Jul-12 14:37:57

If you need a new career/job to support your children and your old age, dddil, go for it. You can stay in touch with your mum in whatever way suits you both best in your new circumstances; no-one will have anything to complain about. Sounds to me as if you just want to get on with your life and to shoulder your responsibilities as best you can. Good luck. xx

AlisonMA Mon 09-Jul-12 12:11:16

I see a different picture of your mum in your second post. I think she will be fine and so will you. Perhaps a little distance will improve your relationship and neither of you will have expectations of the other.

Whether or not you have a suportive partner (is your new partner not supportive? if not why are you together?) you still should not have any expectations of your mother. She has brought you up and now you should expect to cope on your own. Anything over and above that is a bonus and if not expected is more likely to be freely given.

vampirequeen Mon 09-Jul-12 11:27:18

I can understand your need to move further away. Sometimes being close to an abusive ex partner is unbearable. I didn't move as far but I definately thought about the distance in relation to how much effort he'd have to put in to find me. I knew that he wouldn't bother if it was a little challenging.

Also I understand about teacher training courses. When I trained there were 10 people for every place so getting a place anywhere is an achievement.

I wonder if your mum gets anxious if her routine is broken. I tend to but then I have OCD amongst other issues. You say she has lots of friends and you have another sister so it seems these are the times she fits you into her routine. A change may well be a challenge to her.

I think you have to do what's best for you and your children and the move is necessary. You can't live your life for your mother. However, you need to keep the contact and I think you'll be the one who'll have to make all the effort at least at first. Even though she doesn't seem to be interested I think you should persevere and keep her informed about your move, the houses you're looking at, new schools etc. If she's genuinely not interested you did your best and if her reticence is due to fear of change you'll be helping her by keeping her in the loop and helping her to come to terms with it.

nanaej Sun 08-Jul-12 14:23:18

I too would be very sad if my DDs decided to move further away but if it was for positive reasons I would have to be pleased for them.
I think despiseddil just feels unsupported in her decision and would like her mum to give her 'blessing'which would be a nice thing for her mum to do! That is , after all part of a parent's role to support their offspring if they can!

despiseddil Sun 08-Jul-12 14:10:21

Thankyou for your replies.
My ex hasn't contributed financially for 2 years and doesn't look like he will. So I desperately feel the need to get my career sorted.
- No I can't do teacher training anywhere nearer. I applied but didn't get in to one nearer place.
- Me and my Mum have no interests in common. When together she subjects me to a constant stream of talk about her daily events while showing little interest in anything I say. She does this to everyone. It can be endearing in small doses....
- When I say my ex has made my life a misery, I truly mean it. He put the children at risk when drunk several times before I knew that he had a serious problem. He was an abusive partner and has been even worse as an ex. So I don't mind getting some distance between us at all. The children are starting to have contact because it has been allowed by court and I didn't protest because I realise they should see their Dad, if only to realise that he's not some mythical wonderful person. This would continue even if the move goes through.
- My mum has lots and lots of friends and another new grandchild from my sister. She is however very obsessive with her routine.
- I am not saying she should be obliged to help out more I am grateful/happy with what she has done. She just cut her help down last year at some point, with no explanation. Used to have them over once a fortnight. This began when I was on my own and really needed a break. Yes, I know some people manage without help like this but often they have supportive partners.

I just wish she would be less negative about my/ my offsprings' future, I mean we can all visit each other!

soop Sat 07-Jul-12 13:02:46

despiseddil...I also believe that your mother has done her best to be supportive. nightowl makes perfect sense. I hope for the sake of everyone, especially your children, that you can reach a satisfactory compromise.

crimson Sat 07-Jul-12 12:11:14

Just a passing though and possibly totally wrong but wondered if perhaps despiseddil wanted to[subconsciously again] put distance between herself and the ex husband; I'm not being critical because it's something that, in the circumstances I'd probably want to do [again subconsciously]. I often question my own motivations for doing certain things and am quite hard on myself in the process. But, then again as my ex husband used to say I have a habit of overcomplicating things!

Faye Sat 07-Jul-12 11:57:54

Two things I noticed in your post despiseddil. First your mother might not want to rush out and spend some of her retirement money, after all it is for her retirement. Second thing was why if your mother visits you do you expect her to babysit to give you a break. I am sure she would like to see her daughter and grandchildren together. She is also still working, at least she does have her grandchildren over night sometimes.

Plus your children do have a right to see their own father, it does not matter how you feel about him. Unless he was going to harm the children it really is their right.

FlicketyB Sat 07-Jul-12 11:44:47

It sounds if your mother lives alone and possibly doesnt have a wide social circle and that her contacts with other people, apart from you and your family, are people at work. She is now faced with retirement and the end of her social interaction with work colleagues and now you to plan to move away.

If my suppositions are right stand in her shoes briefly and see the world from her perspective. She is probably absolutely terrified of the major change that is coming into her life through retirement and the loss of the social interaction at work and now you too are leaving. She will be living alone with little contact with other people and she lacks the skills or confidence to move out of the little world she inhabits.

Is there anything you can do to gently encourage her to step outwards into a wider life? I have no idea what she is like or what she enjoys but could you accompany her into looking at life outside her home, attending WI or Townswomens Guild meetings, working in a Charity shop or doing other voluntary work, joining a pensioners club or taking up a sport like bowling. I specifically suggest you accompany her at the start because people like she sounds to be like would never have the confidence to go anywhere new by themselves. You obviously have the personality and confidence to take new intiatives and spread your wings, but not everybody does and your mother doesnt seem to be among them. The best thing you can do is help your mother reduce her dependence on you and step into a wider world and enjoy retirement.

nightowl Sat 07-Jul-12 11:39:16

Sorry Anagram and crimson I have been guilty (again!) of not reading all the posts properly before posting. It seems we are all thinking along the same lines on this one smile

nightowl Sat 07-Jul-12 11:36:33

I agree with Alison and j04. Your mum will miss you. She is afraid of losing you. Your apparent lack of awareness of that probably makes her feel that you will move away and forget her.

You say that when she visists once a week she 'expects me to be there with her and the kids rather than give me/ my partner a break'. Perhaps that's because she wants to spend time with all of you, including you, her daughter. You hint that your relationship may not always have been easy, but it appears she has been supportive through some of your worst times so it would be a shame to lose the progress you have made.

Have you also thought about the disruption moving will cause to your children? You say ' kids are adaptable and I really believe they will be better off with a minimised relationship with the reborn Daddy at least for now'. Your children have already been through a lot; are you sure they would be better off moving 4 hours away from everything they know, and losing contact with their father and a grandmother who loves them?

Whatever you decide, please at least try to see this from others' points of view.

crimson Sat 07-Jul-12 11:32:43

Maybe your mum is really upset at the thought of you moving away and just mumbles about it because she's doesn't want to say what she really feels as she doesn't want to put you off having a new start in life? Probably scared of the thought of retirement as well; does she live alone and, if so will she not see many people if she doesn't go out to work? When my marriage broke up I didn't speak to a soul from Friday through to Monday until I sorted my life out. The strange thing about mothers and daughters, or so I've realised recently is that, you feel as if you know and feel closer to this person than anyone else in the world but, in fact you don't know them at all and you never really talk about the things that are really important. My daughter recently accused me of 'not caring' when, in fact I'd been worried sick about her for quite a while; I couldn't/still can't believe that she could think that I don't care. It's a very complicated relationship, that of mother and daughter is it not?

j04 Sat 07-Jul-12 11:11:45

I know how she feels about the lump sum btw.

j04 Sat 07-Jul-12 11:10:10

Oh your poor mum! She's got used to having you all around, and now you're going off. She must be feeling down about it. I would be.

Wouldn't you?

Don't have any answers. You will have to sort that out for yourself. But give her a bit of consideration.

Are you sure there is no Teacher Training available a bit closer? It's a bit of a distance to put between your children and their father. Whatever you think of him, your kids need him in their lives. So, give them some thought too.

Anagram Sat 07-Jul-12 11:08:53

I'm not sure what you want from your mother, despiseddil. Presumably her blessing, and a cheery wave when you all set off to make your fresh start?
You know she's resistant to change and doesn't seem to have many interests, so are you surprised that she's not being supportive of your wish to move away? I feel you should have a bit more compassion, and start reassuring her that she'll still be a big part of your and her GC's lives.

AlisonMA Sat 07-Jul-12 11:01:59

I think Vampire hits the nail on the head.

Why should you expect anything of your mother? You are an adult and should be independent.

It sounds to me as if your mother is insecure and may need your help and understanding to encourage (not force or lecture) to have a life of her own and I don't understand why anyone is forcing her to have a lump sum payment if she doesn't want one. Many people are very concerned about what their life is going to be like after retirement and feel that life is about to end. Perhaps you could suggest that she joins us all her on GN. If you PM me her email address I'll do so for you.

I never had anyone to have my children overnight and I think you are very lucky to have her at all. From your message I get the impression you are only thinking of yourself but perhaps it just reads that way and is not what you really mean./

I do hope other GNs will respond and say what they really think.

vampirequeen Fri 06-Jul-12 23:57:14

Your mother sounds like she is someone who can't cope with change so tries not to acknowledge it. Hence she makes no plans for the future.

I would think her grumpiness is caused to an extent by panic. She visits you once a week. You are part of her routine. If you move 4 hours away firstly her routine will be changed and secondly she may fear that she will hardly see you. She can't ignore this change but doesn't have the skills to confront and deal with it.

whenim64 Fri 06-Jul-12 23:00:30

Your mum has been supportive since you had children, and now you're irrtiated by her attitude? Bit confused. Also, can you explain your user name, please? I ask because it seems to refer a toxic relationship that isn't present in your explanation about your family.

despiseddil Fri 06-Jul-12 22:53:33

I would like some perspective/s from people of experience (as I gather you are). My mum, 64, has been supportive since I had children in the city where she lives. Without that no doubt we would get on better than in the past anyway, from a distance! Shes very resistant to change of any kind. Even when begrudgingly having to accept a part lump sum for retirement next year she can think of nothing to spend it on, no desire to go anywhere/ do anything out of the ordinary. I don't know what she will do when stopping work changes her life!
Anyway. I have three children, a new partner of 3.5 years and an ex who has been making my life a misery for the past 7. The ex has just be given contact with the children after being an alcoholic for 4ish years and going to rehab a couple of months ago. Ok so the court thinks he's able to have contact but I do not trust him at all. He has consistently lied to Everyone and been abusive to me. All this nearly dragged me under. My Mum has seen some of the worst. Although I am a capable and good Mum it has been hell at times.
So, as I have passed my degree last year and need to support myself and the children I have decided to train to teach. I know I will be good at it. The only places I can do this are 4 hours travel from my hometown. But I am ready for a new start with my supportive partner and kids are adaptable and I really believe they will be better off with a minimised relationship with the reborn Daddy at least for now. The psychological report he was given through proceedings was not reassuring.
All my mother can do when I tell her I have an interview which could lead to this more positive life is grunt and grumble. She calls round once a week (and expects me to be there with her and the kids rather than give me/ my partner a break). She has the three of them overnight once a month max.
I am hurt and really irritated by my mothers attitude. Any views appreciated.