Gransnet forums

Ask a gran


(6 Posts)
afar Wed 11-Jul-12 06:46:04

Just need some advice from grans. My MIL is angry at us because she feels she doesn't get her fair share of babysitting. Her feeling is that she should be the main babysitter as my child is her only grandchild and my mom already has 2 grandchildren. We have told her very politely (many many many times) that there are other people that also love him like my mom, brother/SIL, my husband's aunt and one of my friends. My child is now 3. MIL has babysat more than anybody else (at least twice as much as my mom), but she still is unhappy. We don't go out an awful lot without our little one because we enjoy spening time together as a family. How should I handle this? I am SO tired of having to hear her snarky passive aggresive comments, it really is hard to ignore it with every visit.

Bags Wed 11-Jul-12 07:06:59

Hello again, afar. Nice to see you back, though not the troubles. She sounds like a very unhappy woman and I feel sorry for you that her unhappiness is directed at you. It is hard to ignore stuff like that, isn't it? Sorry, no advice, just sympathy!

Any chance you could move further away from her?

Ping! an idea! Could you keep a record of babysittings and show her that she does babysit more than she thinks?

Sbagran Wed 11-Jul-12 07:17:38

What a lucky MIL you have afar - I feel she should appreciate the amount of time she gets with your little one, especially if, as you say, she babysits more than anyone else - there are hundreds of grandmothers on this site who never ever see their grandchildren for various reasons - distance, feuds or whatever.
Could your husband have a word with her?
It sounds like you are a great little family and you must never stop enjoying family time together - that is so precious.
Perhaps if your husband has a quiet word, explaining that you both appreciate how much she loves your little boy and how excited she is about her first grandchild. Tell her she will always be special but that she needs to share him with others who love him - your little boy will be taught he has to share so why shouldn't she?
Perhaps if your husband is reluctant to do this with his mother (most men are!) does he have a sister or aunt who may be able to help?
If they get along could your mother have a chat? She knows the joy a first grandchild brings and could possibly empathise but get your message across? Perhaps they could take him out together and use that time to broach the subject? Presumably there was 'the other grandmother' to consider when your mother's other grandchildren were born?
Does MIL get on ok with you apart from this, or is there also an element of 'this woman took my boy off me and now is keeping my grandson away from me'?
If so, she may need a firmer approach but try the softly softly approach first as it would be so sad for this to turn into a major rift.
Keep in touch with us here - I am sure you will get other suggestions!
Good luck my love, you are obviously a very caring DIL flowers

vampirequeen Wed 11-Jul-12 21:27:03

Sorry it's a difficult situation but whatever you do you can't please everyone.

She's intruding on your family and that's not good. My daughter faced a similar problem except her MIL simply visited every week and offered to/took the baby out whether my daughter wanted her to or not. In the end my SIL and her had a gentle word with MIL. She wasn't overjoyed but backed off a bit.

Mishap Wed 11-Jul-12 21:54:05

How difficult for you. I think that children benefit from a whole range of people around them - they learn different ways of life and tolerance. OH and I are very different in outlook and interests to the other grandparents, but I just feel that the little ones get a wonderful variety of attitudes and opinions to feast upon.

You cannot judge the amount of contact your MIL has by the number of GC she has - I do understand her desire to be involved - and I understand it is more difficult if you are MIL to the mother (if you see what I mean) But snide remarks are out of order - it would be good if she could just enjoy the time she does spend.

Good luck with all of this!

nanaej Thu 12-Jul-12 20:46:29

Oh dear! Silly of her to get upset and IMO she is being unreasonable! I wonder why she feels so jealous! Perhaps she feels that as you are emotionally closer to your mum she will have more opportunities to be with your son. Sadly because of the way she is going on your son to may begin sense the tensions and not enjoy being around her. I think you should have a big calender up in the house with it clearly marked who is doing what then she can see for herself she has have the same , if not more, opportunities to enjoy her DGS! Good luck.