Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

looking for opinions please

(30 Posts)
QueenReignForever Mon 01-Oct-12 14:31:57

Hi Im not a gran but a mum and would like some opinions from grandparents please. I truly find my situation despairing and quite odd. here goes. My DD rarely sees her paternal GPs. Her granfather has barely seen her at all (about 3 times in passing in the street and once when he 'was too busy') According to dp he thinks she should be taken to his house for visits. He has never attempted to visit at all. even though dp's house is 2 minutes around the corner and mine a 10 min bus ride. Which brings me to the second point. Her gran rarely visits but we have been told she cries because she is not able to see her. The offer is open every week however there is always something in the way. There are reasons we cannot visit theirs. I keep feeling guilt tripped but get tense every week wondering what will happen. TBH there is not a great relationship between us but I have tried.

JO4 Mon 01-Oct-12 14:59:38

What are the reasons you can't visit them?

QueenReignForever Mon 01-Oct-12 15:07:35

The eldest son is the main problem as he lives there. Other than that eldest son has stored so much trash from hoarding you cant move without hitting something. I mean REALLY that bad. Then as there is so much I worry about hygeine.

GillieB Mon 01-Oct-12 15:11:19

Sorry to hear about your problems. Why don't you suggest meeting the GPs at a neutral venue for coffee or something? Or perhaps even a softplay area, or in the park?

Ana Mon 01-Oct-12 15:12:21

Perhaps they know this, and feel hurt?

QueenReignForever Mon 01-Oct-12 15:15:11

the thing is the grandfather wont budge. the gran was supposed to have a regular meet at mine but cant manage even a 10 min bus ride without some reason even though she disappears out of town regularly. I even went to Dps 2 mins round the corner and still somedays she couldnt make that. Im not going to arrange something out of the way if they cant make the effort. Im often left sitting waiting or rushing back for no reason. That is what really irritates. Im giving up time which is wasted.

QueenReignForever Mon 01-Oct-12 15:16:33

Ana know what? Im sorry i dont understand.

Ana Mon 01-Oct-12 15:19:20

Sorry, I meant that perhaps they know your feelings regarding the state of their house, hygiene issues etc. It's still not a reason not to visit you, of course.

QueenReignForever Mon 01-Oct-12 15:26:18

tbh they know and they had to as soon as my dd was born. I have been in. Fact is the stuff is from bins and its not hygenic let alone they thought it fine to give to a baby. I stand firm I dont my child there and therefore they can visit but cant figure out why Im being given the guilt trip.

QueenReignForever Mon 01-Oct-12 15:27:14

That said its the son who does this and they put up with it because of his mood swings. yes he has issues but ones that he plays on and they wont have much said against him.

JO4 Mon 01-Oct-12 15:30:01

You could wash your child after each visit.

QueenReignForever Mon 01-Oct-12 15:37:49

sorry I find the whole thing wrong sad That said she is a toddler into everything and there is literally no room to move then the son that I wont have near us. Violent and tried to hurt when pregnant. Everyone thinks I should forget it but he still taunts us yet. its an absolute nightmare.

annodomini Mon 01-Oct-12 15:42:38

How are you supposed to forget something like that? You haven't said whether you are getting any support on this issue from your partner. Can't he persuade his parents to be more reasonable?

QueenReignForever Mon 01-Oct-12 15:47:50

he sort of supports me but then he will say I want my mum to see DD and then if I say then go bring her he makes an excuse. I think he finds it embarrassing at times as his family do tend to draw attention to themselves. In a way I think he also finds it a pain. Im half and half to the idea that they are still thinking i will bend to all being forgiven.

QueenReignForever Mon 01-Oct-12 15:50:19

actually he did go behind my back and let his brother see DD at a few weeks old whilst I was suffering severe pnd. Ive never forgiven him for that and I still distrust him when he takes DD out for a bit.

FlicketyB Mon 01-Oct-12 16:00:15

QRF, I hope you dont mind me shortening your name. If matters are as you say it seems to me that there may be a problem relationship within the paternal GP's household or even mental health issues.

Why have the GPs allowed their son to hoard stuff in the house to the extent that it can make it an unsafe environment for your child? Most parents would at some time say something like, 'Whats in your room and in the shed is your business, but the rest of the house and garden are to be kept clear and tidy' What kind of things is he hoarding? Hoarding in itself can be a sign of mental health problems. Sometimes those closely involved with someone like that get drawn into and complicit with the hoarder, usually from the best of reasons, like protecting someone they care about who they know is vulnerable. Occasionally because they are intimidated by the vulnerable adult. Often things get beyond their capacity to cope and they just become frozen into inactivity. Refusing to see a GC unles he visits their house could be a way of pretending everything at their home is OK because GC comes round regularly. Your decision not to visit is another pointer to them that their home is not 'normal'

I think you need first to think about the GPs household and how it works, taking my comments above into consideration. It seems what ever the problem is, it is not with you. Be open to the GPs keep them up to date with their GC's progress, telephone, email and send photos and make it clear that you would love to see them at your home or elsewhere, although not at their home and, if you can safely do so, explain gently why you do not visit.

You do not mention your child's father does he have any input or views on the subject?

tanith Mon 01-Oct-12 16:03:25

Some people need an actual invite to visit (time, date etc) , I don't agree with it but could you not try speaking to MIL and just invite her round for tea and to spend time with you and your daughter . I think effort needs to come from everyone , put bad feelings aside and even if you feel that you are making all the effort , for your daughters sake and so that she can have a relationship with her grandparents..

JO4 Mon 01-Oct-12 16:14:32

Are you still "together" with the father of your baby? I only ask because if not, you cannot really be held responsible for his family. And then it may be best to forget about them. Let them get on with their lives and manage without their input.

annodomini Mon 01-Oct-12 16:28:20

From what you say in the OP, it seems that you live separately from your partner. Is it possible that a compromise might be to meet his parents at his house as they are resisting coming to yours?

QueenReignForever Tue 02-Oct-12 15:33:47

Hi thank you for all the replies. Ill try to answer everything. First DP does not want me speaking about this to anyone so Im on here when is not around. I really need to let it out. He can be domineering. Flickety B I dont mind you shortening my name at all. I quite like it smile They have allowed it becuase of their sons temper and he does have mental health issues due to an accident but rather than get help they have allowed him to play on it. They dont trust doctors or anyone really and rarely invite anyone to the house. They even ask for certain stuff to be brought in which doesnt really help the situation it only adds to it. They dont like to spend money much either which is why they have allowed the hoarding to continue however it comes from bins including charity ones and wherever its free really. I dont agree with that at all. Its everything, clothing, household goods, food.

Dp called them today but was told too busy they have something they need to do. They have no internet access. We do have certain days for visits as there has been so much problems but its the same and they know it but something always comes up despite being asked days in advance.

My partner and I are together but have our own houses due to his brother. TBH his house was starting to go like his parents as his brother starting bringing everything to his. He had a key which was taken back when I come along. his brother does resent me but there was absolutely no privacy or safety. we used to go to his house for visits but often I sat waiting and no one would turn up. I actually feel its being done on purpose at times.

QueenReignForever Tue 02-Oct-12 15:45:10

sorry I realised I missed a question. My partner is getting increasingly angry over the fact Im asking him to make contact with his parents. If he visits his brother usually starts on him over something or other. He would like his mum to see her grandchild but doesnt always put in the effort to make anything happen. eg phone call or visit or anything really. He slept through most of the days he was supposed to go collect her. he is at fault here too I think. She wont go out much on her own but DP is selfish to complain his mum never visits when he wont go 20 mins down the road to bring her. I cant go because of his brother. He also doesnt want trouble at their I cant call police when his brother starts (if passing on street) because its not fair on his parents! Its not bloody fair on me and my toddler either sad

JO4 Tue 02-Oct-12 16:11:54

Why do you care? Why don't you just avoid the lot of them.

Perhaps even DP.

QueenReignForever Tue 02-Oct-12 16:18:04

I would prefer to avoid them but DP wont hear of it. If it were not for his brother the family would be completely different but has always gotten his own way since a child and now no one can change him. Everyone panders to his brother and it seems Im the first/only to stand up and say No. They dont speak to any others in their family over a matter or money but Im supposed to 'fit in' and forget everything is brother has done! Money matters.....I dont apparantly.

RINKY Wed 03-Oct-12 00:10:59

QRF.....God what an awful situation. Sorry to hear about all this trouble you are having. Not really got a solution but just wanted to give sympathy. Must be truly difficult.

jgb Wed 03-Oct-12 10:47:43

GPs will tread on hot coals to see their GC on the whole, so there must be some awful back story to all this. Maybe they feel guilty about the accident their older son had? but in any case he sounds like he is their first priority and I doubt you could change that. Can you not just leave it open that you would love to see them, speak to them in the street and so on, but just try and move on. I know it is hard because GC and GPs are made for each other and it is such a special relationship (except when they comment lovingly on your wrinkles), but if it is causing stress between you and your DP it really isn't worth it, nor will it do your daughter any good.
Try and wait for a good time that may come! What a business.