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Not sure how I feel.

(33 Posts)
RockNanny Fri 28-Dec-12 01:01:39

When my DD & SiL told me, a few weeks back, that they were expecting I was so thrilled and happy for them. We feared that becoming parents was going to be a struggle for them, due to my daughter having PCOS, so for her to become pregnant so soon after they began trying for a baby was a wonderful surprise. As they have been so worried that the pregnancy would fail, they wanted to keep schtum until Christmas, which would be the end of the first trimester and, they felt, a time when they could feel more confident that everything was going well. I was really looking forward to Christmas so that I could tell a good friend of mine the news. However, a couple of days before, when we were chatting, I said something that made her suspect my daughter was pregnant. I felt guilty for letting the secret slip but I also felt disappointed because I wanted to be full of excitement when I told her and for her to be excited too. As it was, she didn't seem particularly excited and I felt the wind go out of my sails. Since that incident I feel I have lost all excitement about the pregnancy. It seems so pathetic that I have reacted this way. I am still thoroughly chuffed for my DD and SiL but I don't really understand my apathy. I know I am worried about being a good grandparent, particularly about looking after my grandchild. I never felt like a good-enough mother though I think this is only my own perception of myself. I also suffered post-natal depression after the birth of my DD. I am wondering, too, if my confused feelings may be due to wondering how things will change for me when my child becomes a parent and how that will change how she relates to me. I have been single for years and she is the centre of my world. She loves me to bits but I guess I am scared that she will have less time for me as a person and I will just become a handy baby-sitter. Gosh, that sounds awful doesn't it? Does anyone have any encouraging advice that will reassure me and help to allay my fears. I want to feel excited again. I feel so darned ungrateful right now :-( .

Faye Fri 28-Dec-12 01:22:58

Congratulations Rocknanny. If you love your daughter I am certain when you first see that little face you will fall in love. I thought I wasn't ready to become a grandmother when D1 married, but after a few years I started to get that feeling of wanting grandchildren. Now I can't believe how lucky I am to have six of the most gorgeous grandchildren in the world.

Don't worry about your friend some people just don't understand how exciting it is to become a grandparent.

Granny23 Fri 28-Dec-12 01:55:40

I take it that your DD is your only child RockNanny. If so you will not have gone through the process of wondering, during a second pregnancy, how you could possibly love the new baby as much as you love your first born and then discovering that the capicity to love just expands to provide as much as you need for second and any subsequent children. When you become a Grandmother you will find that the same holds true for Grandchildren - you will not love your daughter any less - in fact maybe more for the wonderful gift she has given you - but love for your Granchild will just well up in you. Nor will your DD love you less - again maybe more when you share the experiences of motherhood.

I do understand your 'flatness' when you had been so looking forward to making the exciting 'big announcement'. We had to wait for months for permission to tell the world about DD1's first pregnancy, because she had early difficulties and was not sure if the pregnancy would continue. Thankfully, all was well but by the time we were allowed to tell relatives and friends they had all already guessed because of how worried I had seemed. Is your friend already a Granny herself? I have found that only people who are Grandparents themselves really appreciate how wonderful the news is. We on Gransnet are always thrilled to hear about a new baby on the way and will never get bored hearing all the details of the pregnancy and your own thoughts, worries and joys. Please keep us up to date and for now - CONGRATULATIONS wine flowers

cheelu Fri 28-Dec-12 03:39:14

Hello RockNanny, sounds like you have worked yourself up in a frenzy.. but as you say this should be a happy time for everyone..One thing I can tell you that may help is that when your grandchild is born you will love it as much as you love you daughter--and as for thinking that you were not a good enough Mum I think that most Mums feel that from time to time and is completely normal I would say, Best wishes...

kittylester Fri 28-Dec-12 07:29:24

Brilliant news Rocknanny, CONGTATULATIONS!! You will really love your new grandchild and be a brilliant gran especially as you appear to have a good relationship with your daughter.

I have a friend who always says 'Oh dear' when I tell her that we are expecting another grandchild. I'm never sure whether she feels that she couldn't cope or that she is envious of our growing brood as she only has one grandson and no prospect of any more. She is always very supportive eventually but I try not to make my fabulous grandchildren my main topic of conversation.

whenim64 Fri 28-Dec-12 07:47:32

Rocknanny the baby is a wonderful addition to your family and you will find that the bond you have will be as strong and loving as the relationship you have with your daughter. We joke in our family about 'so much power and no responsibility' because you can hand the baby back and go home, having had loads of cuddles and watched your daughter relating to her baby the way you did when she was born. It's a magical time to be enjoyed. Don't worry, in a few months you will be saying you are head over heels in love with this beautiful child smile

JessM Fri 28-Dec-12 07:48:28

It's a bit like when someone tells you they are pregnant maybe, you look for cues to find out whether they are pleased or appalled an try to respond appropriately. They are full of excitement so you give a big smile and say congratulations. They look really fed up - well you don't do the big smile bit , do you.
So your friend was probably a bit confused.
Stick around with us on gransnet. We have been through the ups and downs, highs and lows. Take you cues from your daughter - if she wants you to go round town looking at buggies then off you go. If she would rather do that with her partner then time to step back.
And take it a day at a time. 90% of unhappiness is self inflicted - its going over the past or worrying about the future.

glassortwo Fri 28-Dec-12 08:13:14

Congratulations Rock wine flowers

I agree with Jess your friend may have had mixed signals from you and was unsure how to respond.
As we will all confirm on here just wait to be bowled over by that new Grandchild smile things do change when your child becomes a parent but if you are close I am sure she will be there asking for your advice.
Your DD is very lucky with PCOS to have conceived naturally, my DD has PCOS and had to have IVF for her two children.

Nanado Fri 28-Dec-12 08:44:40

Wonderful news rocknanny. You will go through a whole range of emotions during this pregnancy and wait until you hold the new!

Do you have other people in your life to share this news with?

Butty Fri 28-Dec-12 08:49:53

Rock Embrace your future with an open heart, if you can. The arrival of a first grandchild will change your life and your daughter's life in ways you're not able to grasp right now, so your doubts are understandable.
Try not to let your anxieties muddy the waters though, and trust that your daughter will have more than enough love for both you and your grandchild.

wisewoman Fri 28-Dec-12 09:13:45

RockNanny this is such an exciting time for you but, like a lot of us mums / grans your mind is working on overdrive thinking about what happened in the past and what might happen in the future. It is so hard when you have that kind of mind - I know, I have it - and anxieties go round and round on a loop - real and imagined. You are worrying about your daughter - Will she be well through the pregnancy? Will she have post natal depression? Will your relationship change? Will you have enough love for this new wee person? It is exhausting and it would be great if you could switch it off! The good news is you can get it all out on Gransnet and there will always be someone to listen. It is always much better if you can "download" the anxieties. They lose their power a wee bit! Being a gran is wonderful and will add a whole new dimension to your relationship with your daughter. Try and relax and enjoy this time. Sending you some flowers

annodomini Fri 28-Dec-12 09:38:22

rocknanny, what joyful news for you and your daughter. I was presented with the news of an unscheduled GC when my son's then girlfriend became pregnant. I was ambivalent about this but my GD will be 21 on Monday and our relationship is still strong and loving. When you see that little face and know that there is a whole new person in there to be loved, you will wonder why you ever doubted your capacity. Love just keeps on growing. flowers

grannyactivist Fri 28-Dec-12 09:45:08

Congratulations rocknanny - there are a few of us with grandchildren on the way, so watch this space and you'll soon discover how excited we get when a new little one comes on the scene. Joining Gransnet was a really good idea as you'll soon see that there are few hard and fast 'rules' for being a granny - but lots of support a d encouragement.

grannyactivist Fri 28-Dec-12 09:47:33

Hmm, iPad lost my n. that should be and encouragement.

jeni Fri 28-Dec-12 10:39:53

I did not want to be a gran any more than I wanted to be an OAP!
BUT NOW! Here I am bathed in the luxury of the QE having a fab time , but all I really really want is to see my darling GD again!smile

Love to all of you, btw!

nanapug Fri 28-Dec-12 11:46:29

Your role will certainly change in the next few months and I can promise you you will be needed even more in a new exciting role, and so what if you are a babysitter, surely that is what we have been put on this earth for, to help our wonderful children through the harder bits of their life.
RockNanny I MUST WARN YOU however. If you think you love your daughter just you wait until this little being is born. You "love" your daughter, but you will be "in love" with the new baby, and it will hit you like a tornado. I have never felt an emotion like it - beware ;)

Lilygran Fri 28-Dec-12 12:11:40

Congratulations, RockNanny! I hope it's a trouble free pregnancy. It's reasonable that you should have mixed feelings at the moment, it's such a major change in all your lives. Expect so much pleasure, all of you. There's nothing like it!

Mishap Fri 28-Dec-12 12:19:42

Congratulations - this is lovely news. Just enjoy it and all that is to come. Your relationship with your daughter is likely to deepen - it is interesting how they suddenly cotton on as to how you felt about them! - that fierce love and wish to protect - it can be a revelation to them to realise what you went through when you had them and when bringing them up. It has brought me closer to my DDs.

You are likely to be used as a babysitter - and probably you will lap it up and cherish every opportunity to do so - I know that I do!

There is something very special about being a grandparent - I have a lovely relationship with mine - and I treasure this.

As to your friend - well, who knows what is going on in her mind - don't let her reaction detract from your enjoyment.

I have a new one due next month and, as with all my 3 DDs' pregnancies my joy is slightly tempered by awareness of what they have to go through!

RockNanny Tue 01-Jan-13 18:26:07

Hey ladies, huge apologies for my late return and response. Wow! What a lovely lot you are! I'm so glad I decided to join these forums to tap into such collective wisdom smile.

Faye: I used to feel a chill run through me at the thought of becoming a grandmother. My DD has always loved children and I was so afraid that she would become a young Mum and make me a granny in my early 40's shock. I am now 51 and my DD is 28. She married her fiancé in May, having been with him since her early 20's and both of them are equally keen to start a family. I am very relieved that DD found her life-partner and married before becoming pregnant, and I have found myself looking at little ones in a broody way (for want of a better phrase) for a while now. I was completely surprised at my reaction when I held a friend's baby a few month's back. Usually I do these things out of politeness, feeling awkward and uncomfortable, especially if baby cries - which they usually do. On this occasion, though, I felt thrilled and had a huge smile on my face. When I said goodbye I suddenly realised that perhaps I was ready for grandmotherhood after all smile.

Granny23: Yes, DD is my only child. I didn't intend it that way but life has a way of altering your plans, doesn't it hmm? What you said about a parent's capacity to love expanding to provide enough for all their children and grandchildren, well it was almost like you had looked inside my head. I have long had fears about that one and sometimes felt thankful that I have had only the one child. Perhaps it is one of those things that you can't really understand until you experience it. Yes, it is my hope that my DD will understand my position as a mother more once she is a mother herself, and that this, indeed, will bring us even closer together. I often find myself coming to a clearer understanding of my parents, even now, 4 years after their passing, when it is, unfortunately, too late to express this to them sad. Your use of the term 'flatness' covered how I was feeling so precisely. My friend is a granny herself and adores her only grandchild. I am sure she did not intend to take the pleasure of my intended announcement away from me. As JessM suggested, she was probably confused because of the uncertain look that I believe came over my face. My face always has been a mirror of my feelings. Yes, I will certainly try to keep you all updated on the pregnancy (see end of this post wink).

Cheelu: Yep! You got me in one there. I have always been an over-thinker and analytical and this really doesn't do me any favours. What you said about most of us feeling not good enough as mums is undoubtedly true. It seems guilt goes with the territory of being a woman angry. Thank you for your best wishes smile!

Kittylester: Yes, we do have a good relationship. I wish my relationship with my own mother had been as attuned and relaxed. DD and I have, of course, had our difficult times but I now realise that her PCOS was having an effect, plus the fact that we are very alike in temperament blush. Regarding your friend and her 'Oh dear!'s, I suspect that your first assumption may be the correct one wink.

Whenim64: Yes, other friends who are grandparents have told me how great the lack of responsibility is and yet I am not so sure I will feel that way. I am anxious that I will do things that will upset my DD and SiL, with regard to how I am with my grandchild and that my behaviour towards him/her won't support theirs. Some good friends of mine said that they don't regard this - that when their grandchildren are in their house then they will make the allowances they wish to and be lenient if they want to as it's their house. I, myself, don't want to be like that but I don't want to be always on edge either. Oh dear! Like you say, though, I am sure I will fall in love with baby at first sight smile.

JessM: When my friend guessed I was quietly panicking because I didn't want to let my DD's secret slip, especially with it being so close to the time when I could officially spill. I guess that panic showed on my face and that is why her reaction was cautious. It would have been simple to deny DD was pregnant but then my friend would have felt aggrieved when I eventually told her. I just kept telling myself for building myself up to tell her the news, thinking that I was selfish and it was my DD's & SiL's right to be congratulated, not really mine. However, I still have my colleagues to tell, though I feel a little tentative about that now. I am pretty sensitive and little things cut deep sad. What you said about 'self-inflicted unhappiness', yes, that's so true! Regarding taking cues from DD & SiL about buggies, etc., yes I have already told myself not to get carried away and take decisions out of their hands. They have already been to baby shops to 'play with the prams', as they put it grin.

Nanado: You're so right! My emotions were all over the place during my own pregnancy, back in the mists of time. However, I can't blame my own hormones this time, can I hmm? As for having others to share my news with, yes, colleagues and other friends. As for close family, well both my parents died in 2008 (awful, awful year sad!) and in relation to that, I became estranged from my only - identical twin - sister. My daughter and her father fell out about a month before her wedding (he's a difficult man angry) and it was me who gave her away at her wedding (he refused to attend to his duties or even the event), and she has no intention of telling him as he said he is not interested in her. Though it is not my place to tell him, I admit to being concerned that he should know. I will not interfere though.

Butty: Thank you for your reassurance and your advice about not letting my anxieties spoil things. I'm always reprimanding myself for that one.

Wisewoman: Thank you so much for your kind understanding smile! You really do seem to know what is going on inside my head. Coming to Gransnet was, indeed, a good move. Having been a member of a forum before (on the website of a my favourite band, a site which is no longer there sad) I know how helpful it is to share worries and views with like-minded folk. Thank you, too, for the virtual bouquet smile.

Annodomini: What lovely words, thank you smile!

Grannyactivist: Thank you for your encouragement! Yes, I often imagine things are more black and white than they ever are. When will I learn confused?

Jeni: Yes, it's that connection between the term 'grandmother/granny' and 'old' that gives me the collywobbles. You got it in one wink! I still go to rock gigs and I am scared that when I become a grandmother I will feel that this is an activity I should curtail or even end altogether. Perhaps when I find I am spending most of my spare money on my grandchild I will find I have no choice, eh confused?

Nanapug: Ha ha! Thank you for the clarification regarding this new passion that is going to overwhelm me smile. However, as for your belief as to our reason for being, I'm not actually sure I totally go along with that, sorry! Don't get me wrong, I will support my daughter as much as I can but I want to be seen as a strong and interesting individual, not just a mother and grandmother. Forgive me if I have misunderstood you and I thank you for your kind words.

Lilygran: Thank you for your congrat's. DD has been suffering with nausea, lack of energy, and poor sleep but hopefully things will improve soon. With luck, the second trimester will give her back her energy and she will 'bloom' - in more ways than one smile.

Mishap: Yes, your words are so true! I am sure that my DD will gain a new understanding of my role in her life. She is a very astute and understanding girl anyway, but, as we all know, there are things in life that you just don't really appreciate until you go through them yourself. We all live and learn wink. I am happy for you that you have so much enjoyment from being a grandmother and that you have another exciting arrival to look forward to. You mentioned about understanding what they go through tends to temper your enjoyment though. Yes, that is something that concerns me. DD wants me to be there at the birth, along with SiL. I have mixed feelings about that one, mainly because I don't want to witness her in pain. I am scared too sad! One thing I do know, I have got to make a determined effort to get fit. I have some physical health concerns that I know will be improved if I lose some weight and exercise more. I find it so hard to get motivated but I have the best incentive ever now, don't I smile?

UPDATE: DD had her second scan a couple of days before Christmas. She was so thrilled when she told me that she and Sil had seen baby move on the monitor screen. It seems all is well so far, thank heavens! She has been really anxious about her pregnancy, mainly because PCOS brings more risks to a pregnancy, and she was getting herself into a right stew. I think she is a little more relaxed now, thank goodness! Indeed baby, too, looked pretty relaxed in the photos. I swear he/she was lying back with knees bent and one leg slung casually over the other. Must have a good book in there wink.

Well ladies, I apologies for the massive length of my reply. I had such a flood of wonderful responses all at once that I didn't want to leave anyone out. Once again, thank you all and I wish you all the very best for 2013. XXX

tanglerose Tue 01-Jan-13 19:15:38

Hi RockNanny I was 43 when my first grandchild was born and was totally horrified at being a nan then. When he was born we went to see him and I was overwhelmed with the strong feelings towards him, as all the other gnetters have said we all expand our love to fit in however many dgc we are lucky enouth to have. My dd also has pcos but then went on to have identical twin daughters so hopefully there might be even more to love in the future.Many congratulations and best wishes to your dd.

Mishap Tue 01-Jan-13 19:19:19

What a privilege to be asked to be there at the birth - I was for one DD when she had her children; the others made other decisions that did not include me, which is fine.

So....enjoy it!!

Deedaa Tue 01-Jan-13 20:52:24

This is such an interesting question! I couldn't raise any great enthusiasm over my daughter's first pregnancy, i think mainly because we didn't know any of her husband's family (all in the USA) and I wasn't sure what the mix would be like. I went to visit her the day after he was born and was given him to hold and found myself holding someone I recognised! He was identical to my two and my first thought was "Oh it's you again" From not being bothered it took me two months to decide to retire and look after him full time when she went back to work and he has been such FUN! Now looking forward to doing it all over again smile

Ana Tue 01-Jan-13 20:56:20

That's such a lovely story, Deedaa. smile

RockNanny Tue 01-Jan-13 22:43:23

Hi Tanglerose, thank you for your reassuring story. It's great that your daughter's PCOS has not prevented her from having 3 children. Twin girls, eh? Wow! My DD is quite worried at the thought that she might have twins. They say it can skip a generation and, as I am a twin, she thinks it's on the cards for her. No sign of a 2nd fetus yet but, like she said, it could be hiding hmm. Thank you for your good wishes!

Mishap, yes it is! I've a feeling I didn't react enthusiastically enough when she asked me. Actually, come to think of it, it was more of a statement than a request hmm, not that I would have refused. I think that, in addition to the concerns I have already mentioned, I don't want to step on my SiL's toes - literally and figuratively grin.

Deedaa, Hi! Your own story really made me chuckle. I know what you mean though about uncanny family resemblances. My goddaughter's young son is the spitting image of her father. So much so that I just can't look at his photo without seeing his granddad, my good friend for many years. Her daughter looks just like she did as a tot and, gosh! that doesn't seem that long ago shock.

Nanado Tue 01-Jan-13 22:51:53

Wow! That was a long post rock but in sure we all appreciate you replying so fully to our posts smile