Not sure how I feel.

Oh dear Janey, it sounds like you have a tricky relationship with your DD. I'm sorry for you there . I hope this is just a temporary situation and that whatever is causing the turbulence can be smoothed out in time. Postnatal depression is awful, isn't it? I hope so hard that my DD doesn't go through it. I think losing my enthusiasm about being a grandmother came about because I had been feeling so happy for my DD and SiL and then it hit home what would be expected of me. I think that just because I am a mum they expect me to take it all in my stride and be available for babysitting at the drop of a hat, etc.. Well, I don't exactly feel confident about looking after my grandchild on my own. It's been a lot of years since I was responsible for a little baby and I had her father around then! Of course, I want to help as much as I can and the fact that I only work part-time now may prove to be a blessing in that respect. However, I have always hated being taken for granted and I am worried that this will happen. I don't want to end up feeling resentful. Of course, things could go the other way and I may find that the other GPs spend more time with baby than I do, or even that my DD and SiL spend lots of time with friends, as they do at present, with baby going along too. They already have a travel cot! Sounds like I won't be happy whatever happens, doesn't it ? However, what you said about GPs needing their GC, well I think you have something there. In the last couple of years I have found myself reminiscing a lot about when my daughter was younger and missing cuddling her as a child and even taking her to school. Now I know I will get the chance to do these things again with my GC. I can imagine my DD will be grumbling at me, saying things like 'You cuddle her/him much more than you ever did me' or 'You never used to do that/play that with me'. Yep, it's gonna happen, I just know it is !

Crimson, hi! Thanks for your input! Dunno about my hormones kicking in because of DD's pregnancy, I think it's more that they play me up because of going through the menopause . Like you were, I, too, am mostly concerned about my DD's wellbeing during her pregnancy and am trying hard not to think about how hard her labour might be and the risks involved. She is, ultimately, my priority. Regarding 'severing the umbilical cord', I take your point but then she already thinks she knows better than me about lots of stuff. Sometimes I wonder who the mother is ! You're right, I have a life as well but I am a bit scared that this might be disregarded when baby comes along. I am concerned that if I try to say I am unavailable for babysitting on the odd occasion (will I ? ) that this will be met with disbelief and annoyance. I guess I am scared I will lose my identity as a person in my own right. This probably comes down to having some pretty controlling people in my life over the years. As for 'slipping away' and letting them be a family, what if I am accused of interfering by giving too much advice when it's not always wanted ? Your advice to keep talking on these forums is spot on. It is why I joined and it's a real comfort to know that, as well as having friends who are GPs to consult, I also have the wonderful GPs on Gransnet .

Nanado, regarding names is seems to be me who keeps coming up with the more unusual ones .

Wise words crimson I especially agree that we need to 'slip away into the shadows when they want to be a family'. I'd add, never offer any advise unless its actually asked for and even then tread carefully.
And finally, don't laugh or say 'oh no!' When they tell you the name they've chosen

I think our hormones do kick in when our daughters are pregnant [or, at least the memory of them]. I wonder if the memory of your post natal depression has overshadowed your happiness? Also, the fact that there was a health concern over the pregnancy means that you wouldn't let your feelings get too strong in case something awful happened. I found that all my emotions with the first grandchild were centered round my daughter; her health, her wellbeing; her happiness and the new baby was second to all that [until he was born, that is]. Your relationship with your daughter will change; I realised a few months ago that the umbilical cord had [finally] been severed and that she was a grown woman in her own right and that I had a life as well. Tread carefully with the 'new' relationship..it will be different but that doesn't mean it won't be better. Just be there when needed for help and advice, but slip away into the shadows when they want to be 'a family'. And keep talking on here where you'll find more ups and downs than a roller coaster ride! When you're down there's always someone to pick you up again .

Faye is right. When my DD was pregnant with the first GD I was worried
as it brought back memories of post natal depression and can remember being
in mothercare and having to just get out of there quickly.
When she was born it was so wonderful and I can honestly say she is the light of my life.
It is because of the GD's that I keep trying to keep the peace with my daughter. Not because I think she would stop us seeing them if we permanantly fell out, but because they bring so much joy to me and GC
do need GP. Some would say its the other way round which is probably right!!

Oh rock you'll soon find out you can . My grandchildren are the centre of my little universe.

Faye, how lovely for you! You know, I can't imagine loving anyone more than my daughter though.

Eek! I just realised I overlooked you Glassortwo. Sorry about that! Your response was much appreciated and you're right, my DD is very lucky .

Rocknanny I was 52 when my first grandchild a girl arrived, a GS arrived a year later, then two years later three more grandchildren arrived, two boys and a girl born 17 days apart (intersting how many people have grandchildren born so close together) and last November another granddaughter. Someone once said 'they love their children but are in love with their grandchildren,' very true for me.

Wow! That was a long post rock but in sure we all appreciate you replying so fully to our posts

Hi Tanglerose, thank you for your reassuring story. It's great that your daughter's PCOS has not prevented her from having 3 children. Twin girls, eh? Wow! My DD is quite worried at the thought that she might have twins. They say it can skip a generation and, as I am a twin, she thinks it's on the cards for her. No sign of a 2nd fetus yet but, like she said, it could be hiding . Thank you for your good wishes!

Mishap, yes it is! I've a feeling I didn't react enthusiastically enough when she asked me. Actually, come to think of it, it was more of a statement than a request , not that I would have refused. I think that, in addition to the concerns I have already mentioned, I don't want to step on my SiL's toes - literally and figuratively .

Deedaa, Hi! Your own story really made me chuckle. I know what you mean though about uncanny family resemblances. My goddaughter's young son is the spitting image of her father. So much so that I just can't look at his photo without seeing his granddad, my good friend for many years. Her daughter looks just like she did as a tot and, gosh! that doesn't seem that long ago .

That's such a lovely story, Deedaa.

This is such an interesting question! I couldn't raise any great enthusiasm over my daughter's first pregnancy, i think mainly because we didn't know any of her husband's family (all in the USA) and I wasn't sure what the mix would be like. I went to visit her the day after he was born and was given him to hold and found myself holding someone I recognised! He was identical to my two and my first thought was "Oh it's you again" From not being bothered it took me two months to decide to retire and look after him full time when she went back to work and he has been such FUN! Now looking forward to doing it all over again

What a privilege to be asked to be there at the birth - I was for one DD when she had her children; the others made other decisions that did not include me, which is fine.

So....enjoy it!!

Hi RockNanny I was 43 when my first grandchild was born and was totally horrified at being a nan then. When he was born we went to see him and I was overwhelmed with the strong feelings towards him, as all the other gnetters have said we all expand our love to fit in however many dgc we are lucky enouth to have. My dd also has pcos but then went on to have identical twin daughters so hopefully there might be even more to love in the future.Many congratulations and best wishes to your dd.

Hey ladies, huge apologies for my late return and response. Wow! What a lovely lot you are! I'm so glad I decided to join these forums to tap into such collective wisdom .

Faye: I used to feel a chill run through me at the thought of becoming a grandmother. My DD has always loved children and I was so afraid that she would become a young Mum and make me a granny in my early 40's . I am now 51 and my DD is 28. She married her fiancé in May, having been with him since her early 20's and both of them are equally keen to start a family. I am very relieved that DD found her life-partner and married before becoming pregnant, and I have found myself looking at little ones in a broody way (for want of a better phrase) for a while now. I was completely surprised at my reaction when I held a friend's baby a few month's back. Usually I do these things out of politeness, feeling awkward and uncomfortable, especially if baby cries - which they usually do. On this occasion, though, I felt thrilled and had a huge smile on my face. When I said goodbye I suddenly realised that perhaps I was ready for grandmotherhood after all .

Granny23: Yes, DD is my only child. I didn't intend it that way but life has a way of altering your plans, doesn't it ? What you said about a parent's capacity to love expanding to provide enough for all their children and grandchildren, well it was almost like you had looked inside my head. I have long had fears about that one and sometimes felt thankful that I have had only the one child. Perhaps it is one of those things that you can't really understand until you experience it. Yes, it is my hope that my DD will understand my position as a mother more once she is a mother herself, and that this, indeed, will bring us even closer together. I often find myself coming to a clearer understanding of my parents, even now, 4 years after their passing, when it is, unfortunately, too late to express this to them . Your use of the term 'flatness' covered how I was feeling so precisely. My friend is a granny herself and adores her only grandchild. I am sure she did not intend to take the pleasure of my intended announcement away from me. As JessM suggested, she was probably confused because of the uncertain look that I believe came over my face. My face always has been a mirror of my feelings. Yes, I will certainly try to keep you all updated on the pregnancy (see end of this post ).

Cheelu: Yep! You got me in one there. I have always been an over-thinker and analytical and this really doesn't do me any favours. What you said about most of us feeling not good enough as mums is undoubtedly true. It seems guilt goes with the territory of being a woman . Thank you for your best wishes !

Kittylester: Yes, we do have a good relationship. I wish my relationship with my own mother had been as attuned and relaxed. DD and I have, of course, had our difficult times but I now realise that her PCOS was having an effect, plus the fact that we are very alike in temperament . Regarding your friend and her 'Oh dear!'s, I suspect that your first assumption may be the correct one .

Whenim64: Yes, other friends who are grandparents have told me how great the lack of responsibility is and yet I am not so sure I will feel that way. I am anxious that I will do things that will upset my DD and SiL, with regard to how I am with my grandchild and that my behaviour towards him/her won't support theirs. Some good friends of mine said that they don't regard this - that when their grandchildren are in their house then they will make the allowances they wish to and be lenient if they want to as it's their house. I, myself, don't want to be like that but I don't want to be always on edge either. Oh dear! Like you say, though, I am sure I will fall in love with baby at first sight .

JessM: When my friend guessed I was quietly panicking because I didn't want to let my DD's secret slip, especially with it being so close to the time when I could officially spill. I guess that panic showed on my face and that is why her reaction was cautious. It would have been simple to deny DD was pregnant but then my friend would have felt aggrieved when I eventually told her. I just kept telling myself for building myself up to tell her the news, thinking that I was selfish and it was my DD's & SiL's right to be congratulated, not really mine. However, I still have my colleagues to tell, though I feel a little tentative about that now. I am pretty sensitive and little things cut deep . What you said about 'self-inflicted unhappiness', yes, that's so true! Regarding taking cues from DD & SiL about buggies, etc., yes I have already told myself not to get carried away and take decisions out of their hands. They have already been to baby shops to 'play with the prams', as they put it .

Nanado: You're so right! My emotions were all over the place during my own pregnancy, back in the mists of time. However, I can't blame my own hormones this time, can I ? As for having others to share my news with, yes, colleagues and other friends. As for close family, well both my parents died in 2008 (awful, awful year !) and in relation to that, I became estranged from my only - identical twin - sister. My daughter and her father fell out about a month before her wedding (he's a difficult man ) and it was me who gave her away at her wedding (he refused to attend to his duties or even the event), and she has no intention of telling him as he said he is not interested in her. Though it is not my place to tell him, I admit to being concerned that he should know. I will not interfere though.

Butty: Thank you for your reassurance and your advice about not letting my anxieties spoil things. I'm always reprimanding myself for that one.

Wisewoman: Thank you so much for your kind understanding ! You really do seem to know what is going on inside my head. Coming to Gransnet was, indeed, a good move. Having been a member of a forum before (on the website of a my favourite band, a site which is no longer there ) I know how helpful it is to share worries and views with like-minded folk. Thank you, too, for the virtual bouquet .

Annodomini: What lovely words, thank you !

Grannyactivist: Thank you for your encouragement! Yes, I often imagine things are more black and white than they ever are. When will I learn ?

Jeni: Yes, it's that connection between the term 'grandmother/granny' and 'old' that gives me the collywobbles. You got it in one ! I still go to rock gigs and I am scared that when I become a grandmother I will feel that this is an activity I should curtail or even end altogether. Perhaps when I find I am spending most of my spare money on my grandchild I will find I have no choice, eh ?

Nanapug: Ha ha! Thank you for the clarification regarding this new passion that is going to overwhelm me . However, as for your belief as to our reason for being, I'm not actually sure I totally go along with that, sorry! Don't get me wrong, I will support my daughter as much as I can but I want to be seen as a strong and interesting individual, not just a mother and grandmother. Forgive me if I have misunderstood you and I thank you for your kind words.

Lilygran: Thank you for your congrat's. DD has been suffering with nausea, lack of energy, and poor sleep but hopefully things will improve soon. With luck, the second trimester will give her back her energy and she will 'bloom' - in more ways than one .

Mishap: Yes, your words are so true! I am sure that my DD will gain a new understanding of my role in her life. She is a very astute and understanding girl anyway, but, as we all know, there are things in life that you just don't really appreciate until you go through them yourself. We all live and learn . I am happy for you that you have so much enjoyment from being a grandmother and that you have another exciting arrival to look forward to. You mentioned about understanding what they go through tends to temper your enjoyment though. Yes, that is something that concerns me. DD wants me to be there at the birth, along with SiL. I have mixed feelings about that one, mainly because I don't want to witness her in pain. I am scared too ! One thing I do know, I have got to make a determined effort to get fit. I have some physical health concerns that I know will be improved if I lose some weight and exercise more. I find it so hard to get motivated but I have the best incentive ever now, don't I ?

UPDATE: DD had her second scan a couple of days before Christmas. She was so thrilled when she told me that she and Sil had seen baby move on the monitor screen. It seems all is well so far, thank heavens! She has been really anxious about her pregnancy, mainly because PCOS brings more risks to a pregnancy, and she was getting herself into a right stew. I think she is a little more relaxed now, thank goodness! Indeed baby, too, looked pretty relaxed in the photos. I swear he/she was lying back with knees bent and one leg slung casually over the other. Must have a good book in there .

Well ladies, I apologies for the massive length of my reply. I had such a flood of wonderful responses all at once that I didn't want to leave anyone out. Once again, thank you all and I wish you all the very best for 2013. XXX

Congratulations - this is lovely news. Just enjoy it and all that is to come. Your relationship with your daughter is likely to deepen - it is interesting how they suddenly cotton on as to how you felt about them! - that fierce love and wish to protect - it can be a revelation to them to realise what you went through when you had them and when bringing them up. It has brought me closer to my DDs.

You are likely to be used as a babysitter - and probably you will lap it up and cherish every opportunity to do so - I know that I do!

There is something very special about being a grandparent - I have a lovely relationship with mine - and I treasure this.

As to your friend - well, who knows what is going on in her mind - don't let her reaction detract from your enjoyment.

I have a new one due next month and, as with all my 3 DDs' pregnancies my joy is slightly tempered by awareness of what they have to go through!

Congratulations, RockNanny! I hope it's a trouble free pregnancy. It's reasonable that you should have mixed feelings at the moment, it's such a major change in all your lives. Expect so much pleasure, all of you. There's nothing like it!

Your role will certainly change in the next few months and I can promise you you will be needed even more in a new exciting role, and so what if you are a babysitter, surely that is what we have been put on this earth for, to help our wonderful children through the harder bits of their life.
RockNanny I MUST WARN YOU however. If you think you love your daughter just you wait until this little being is born. You "love" your daughter, but you will be "in love" with the new baby, and it will hit you like a tornado. I have never felt an emotion like it - beware ;)

I did not want to be a gran any more than I wanted to be an OAP!
BUT NOW! Here I am bathed in the luxury of the QE having a fab time , but all I really really want is to see my darling GD again!

Love to all of you, btw!

Hmm, iPad lost my n. that should be and encouragement.

Congratulations rocknanny - there are a few of us with grandchildren on the way, so watch this space and you'll soon discover how excited we get when a new little one comes on the scene. Joining Gransnet was a really good idea as you'll soon see that there are few hard and fast 'rules' for being a granny - but lots of support a d encouragement.

rocknanny, what joyful news for you and your daughter. I was presented with the news of an unscheduled GC when my son's then girlfriend became pregnant. I was ambivalent about this but my GD will be 21 on Monday and our relationship is still strong and loving. When you see that little face and know that there is a whole new person in there to be loved, you will wonder why you ever doubted your capacity. Love just keeps on growing.

RockNanny this is such an exciting time for you but, like a lot of us mums / grans your mind is working on overdrive thinking about what happened in the past and what might happen in the future. It is so hard when you have that kind of mind - I know, I have it - and anxieties go round and round on a loop - real and imagined. You are worrying about your daughter - Will she be well through the pregnancy? Will she have post natal depression? Will your relationship change? Will you have enough love for this new wee person? It is exhausting and it would be great if you could switch it off! The good news is you can get it all out on Gransnet and there will always be someone to listen. It is always much better if you can "download" the anxieties. They lose their power a wee bit! Being a gran is wonderful and will add a whole new dimension to your relationship with your daughter. Try and relax and enjoy this time. Sending you some

Rock Embrace your future with an open heart, if you can. The arrival of a first grandchild will change your life and your daughter's life in ways you're not able to grasp right now, so your doubts are understandable.
Try not to let your anxieties muddy the waters though, and trust that your daughter will have more than enough love for both you and your grandchild.

Wonderful news rocknanny. You will go through a whole range of emotions during this pregnancy and wait until you hold the new baby....wow!

Do you have other people in your life to share this news with?