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What is your advise for a long and happy Marriage

(97 Posts)
cheelu Sun 06-Jan-13 22:28:46

I have been married 31 years October this year...We argue quite a bit so I don't think I am in a good position to give any advise..

nanaej Fri 21-Jun-13 09:02:49

My father always said love was all very well but it would never be enough!

MaggieP Fri 21-Jun-13 09:09:48

Thanks Movedalot!

Gagagran Fri 21-Jun-13 09:44:02

It's 48 years married for us in July and 50 years since we first met on 29 June.

I think a long marriage goes through stages - a bit like Shakespeare's 7 stages of life. We were married very young and had a lot of growing up to do and we had passionate times and passionate rows.

Then the children came along and I think those years were probably the most joyful. Not much money but lots of fun in raising them and sharing that wonderful experience. Mr Gaga was a brilliant Dad (and is the same as a Grandad).

Our difficult time was when the DC hit teenage years and we did drift apart a bit then and the boat was very rocky for a time but thankfully we managed to survive that.

The next stage was when the birds had flown away to university and we gradually turned the focus back from being almost entirely on them and rediscovered our friendship and deep, deep affection.

Along came the DGC - another and different phase to enjoy and boy! we have and do enjoy it. Our four lovely grandchildren have brought such pleasure and love into our lives and we are hugely grateful to be able to see them thrive and grow and basically, just to love them.

So that leaves two more stages still to come and I hope that we can support each other with love and patience and face whatever we have to with equanimity and patience, knowing that already we have had a pretty wonderful life together.

Movedalot Fri 21-Jun-13 10:33:55

Yes, Over, interesting that we only seem to disagree about the unimportant things but when something like your incident happens there is nothing but understanding and support. Right now I am booking to go away for a few days to do something special that we would both enjoy but one of us has to stay here for a commitment. He is being wonderful and helpful and offering to drive me to and from the airport at any time of the day or night. Love him!

annsixty Fri 21-Jun-13 13:26:57

Aka I am in the same situation as you. I feel I am living with a stranger sometimes as we now have few shared memories. Holidays,old friends,outings mostly forgotten.We have been married for nearly 55 years and I am now fulfilling the commitment I made all those years ago regarding "better or worse" and "sickness and health".

harrigran Fri 21-Jun-13 14:12:17

On the 1st July I will have been with DH for 50 years, I can hardly remember a time before him.

overthehill Fri 21-Jun-13 14:40:04

I don't go along with this idea of `you have to work at a marriage`.

It isn't supposed to be an endurance test. If you have to `work at it` I believe you are married to the wrong person.

We all have our faults but if they don't worry either of you too much then you are on the right road.

FlicketyB Fri 21-Jun-13 14:42:37

Aka & annsixty, it is easy when we talk about how to making our marriages work to forget those whose relationship is unravelling through no fault of anybodys, just the sad decline into dementia. I cannot begin comprehend what you must be going through but when my sister died suddenly, I was very aware of the sudden loss of the only one I could share so many childhood memories and secrets with and it was deeply destabilising. flowers

Movedalot Fri 21-Jun-13 15:17:06

Well there have been times when one or other of us has 'worked' at our marriage or perhaps another expression would be better? Each of us has our own personality and there are times when I have found DH irritating and times when he has felt the same about me. We have worked through these times and our marriage has become stronger as a result. Surely no two people could agree about everything all the time? Perhaps that's why I think we may have different interpretations to the meaning of 'working at it'

Aka Fri 21-Jun-13 16:23:43

flickety thank you smile and sorry for the loss of your sister sad
Annsixty it sounds as if you're further along this particular road, but it scares me thinking of the years ahead.

nanaej Fri 21-Jun-13 16:54:56

I disagree re working at a marriage as i think DH & I do.. we don't do anything planned to 'work' at it but perhaps we are sensitive to each others ups and downs and respond appropriately rather than not notice and carry on as usual!!

annsixty Fri 21-Jun-13 16:55:42

My thanks also Flickety for your understanding and to you Aka my best wishes for the coming years. I am sure we are strong enough to cope.

Aka Fri 21-Jun-13 17:00:49

Annsixty I'd rather be the one coping that the one slipping away x

annsixty Fri 21-Jun-13 17:03:53


Movedalot Sat 22-Jun-13 13:13:13

ann and Aka I think you are being very generous as I suspect it is much harder being "the one coping that the one slipping away". I am thinking about when a child is ill and you suffer more than they do. flowers

feetlebaum Sat 22-Jun-13 13:34:24

My advice for a long and happy marriage.. What, both?

Going by my track record, I would say - don't marry me! I nevber lasted more than seven years...

Aka Sat 22-Jun-13 13:50:08

Thank you moved smile
Feetle will keep that in mind hmm

annsixty Sat 22-Jun-13 13:51:27

Moved Thank you, it is very hard as we know it isn't going to get better as a child would ,but just harder,however the good times were mostly good and I am thankful for that.

Stansgran Sat 22-Jun-13 14:16:44

Someone said to me better to be the carer than the cared for. I tend to think that way. I would hate to have my husband care for me . I'm sure he would be brilliant but I would prefer to look after him. Can't explain, possibly Im a control freak. ( 44 years in July )

Movedalot Sat 22-Jun-13 14:26:11

ann we live our lives with your situation in mind. We make lots of lovely memories so that if one of us is left alone we will have them to look back on. I have no idea how either of us would cope with looking after the other but just hope that the strength, both physical and mental, would come when required.

PRINTMISS Sat 22-Jun-13 16:27:07

Like you Stansgran I would rather care for than be cared for. I am sure my husband would do his best, but has never really had to do very much, because he always worked the long hours, and has been quite poorly for about three years but better now, or at least as good as he is ever going to be for his age. We have shared lots of ups and downs (no comments please!), and I have no idea what has made our marriage survive, but it has and I am very satisfied with life.