What is your advise for a long and happy Marriage

Like you Stansgran I would rather care for than be cared for. I am sure my husband would do his best, but has never really had to do very much, because he always worked the long hours, and has been quite poorly for about three years but better now, or at least as good as he is ever going to be for his age. We have shared lots of ups and downs (no comments please!), and I have no idea what has made our marriage survive, but it has and I am very satisfied with life.

ann we live our lives with your situation in mind. We make lots of lovely memories so that if one of us is left alone we will have them to look back on. I have no idea how either of us would cope with looking after the other but just hope that the strength, both physical and mental, would come when required.

Someone said to me better to be the carer than the cared for. I tend to think that way. I would hate to have my husband care for me . I'm sure he would be brilliant but I would prefer to look after him. Can't explain, possibly Im a control freak. ( 44 years in July )

Moved Thank you, it is very hard as we know it isn't going to get better as a child would ,but just harder,however the good times were mostly good and I am thankful for that.

Thank you moved
Feetle will keep that in mind

My advice for a long and happy marriage.. What, both?

Going by my track record, I would say - don't marry me! I nevber lasted more than seven years...

ann and Aka I think you are being very generous as I suspect it is much harder being "the one coping that the one slipping away". I am thinking about when a child is ill and you suffer more than they do.

Absolutely!!

Annsixty I'd rather be the one coping that the one slipping away x

My thanks also Flickety for your understanding and to you Aka my best wishes for the coming years. I am sure we are strong enough to cope.

I disagree re working at a marriage as i think DH & I do.. we don't do anything planned to 'work' at it but perhaps we are sensitive to each others ups and downs and respond appropriately rather than not notice and carry on as usual!!

flickety thank you and sorry for the loss of your sister
Annsixty it sounds as if you're further along this particular road, but it scares me thinking of the years ahead.

Well there have been times when one or other of us has 'worked' at our marriage or perhaps another expression would be better? Each of us has our own personality and there are times when I have found DH irritating and times when he has felt the same about me. We have worked through these times and our marriage has become stronger as a result. Surely no two people could agree about everything all the time? Perhaps that's why I think we may have different interpretations to the meaning of 'working at it'

Aka & annsixty, it is easy when we talk about how to making our marriages work to forget those whose relationship is unravelling through no fault of anybodys, just the sad decline into dementia. I cannot begin comprehend what you must be going through but when my sister died suddenly, I was very aware of the sudden loss of the only one I could share so many childhood memories and secrets with and it was deeply destabilising.

I don't go along with this idea of `you have to work at a marriage`.

It isn't supposed to be an endurance test. If you have to `work at it` I believe you are married to the wrong person.

We all have our faults but if they don't worry either of you too much then you are on the right road.

On the 1st July I will have been with DH for 50 years, I can hardly remember a time before him.

Aka I am in the same situation as you. I feel I am living with a stranger sometimes as we now have few shared memories. Holidays,old friends,outings mostly forgotten.We have been married for nearly 55 years and I am now fulfilling the commitment I made all those years ago regarding "better or worse" and "sickness and health".

Yes, Over, interesting that we only seem to disagree about the unimportant things but when something like your incident happens there is nothing but understanding and support. Right now I am booking to go away for a few days to do something special that we would both enjoy but one of us has to stay here for a commitment. He is being wonderful and helpful and offering to drive me to and from the airport at any time of the day or night. Love him!

It's 48 years married for us in July and 50 years since we first met on 29 June.

I think a long marriage goes through stages - a bit like Shakespeare's 7 stages of life. We were married very young and had a lot of growing up to do and we had passionate times and passionate rows.

Then the children came along and I think those years were probably the most joyful. Not much money but lots of fun in raising them and sharing that wonderful experience. Mr Gaga was a brilliant Dad (and is the same as a Grandad).

Our difficult time was when the DC hit teenage years and we did drift apart a bit then and the boat was very rocky for a time but thankfully we managed to survive that.

The next stage was when the birds had flown away to university and we gradually turned the focus back from being almost entirely on them and rediscovered our friendship and deep, deep affection.

Along came the DGC - another and different phase to enjoy and boy! we have and do enjoy it. Our four lovely grandchildren have brought such pleasure and love into our lives and we are hugely grateful to be able to see them thrive and grow and basically, just to love them.

So that leaves two more stages still to come and I hope that we can support each other with love and patience and face whatever we have to with equanimity and patience, knowing that already we have had a pretty wonderful life together.

Thanks Movedalot!

My father always said love was all very well but it would never be enough!

I think love is the most important thing and if you are truly in love with the person it will carry you through.

We have been married 40 years next year. We do argue occasionally, usually his fault he has this habit of blowing his top generally over nothing, but when I crashed the car in France once he blamed himself as he wasn't well and should have been driving.

I think at the core of any good marriage is being good friends, the one you instinctively turn to when things are bad, or funny.

DH and I are both enthusiastic house renovators and many years ago when we went through a long dark period and breakup seemed more likely than not we were reading the papers over breakfast and DH suddenly commented that there was an interesting house in the paper in need of renovation. I immediately suggested we go and look at it from the outside. The house was empty so we walked round the garden, looked in the windows and then retired to the pub to talk it over, and I suddenly realised we would see it through because, even when life seemed bleak both of us automatically turned to each other to enthusiastically share a common interest and talk as if we had along term future. We were at heart still good friends.

We have now been married 45 years and have done up another 2 houses since then and helped our children do the same. We still build renovated houses in the sky and our friendship still remains at the heart of our marriage.

As OH slowly declines mentally it's still reassuring to have his physical presence around, especially at night, just knowing you're not alone. It will be 44 years for us soon.

Celebgran, that is a heartening post .