Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Advice for my Daughter

(14 Posts)
misunderstood Mon 07-Jan-13 19:00:47

My only daughter turns 40 this year, she as 2 beautiful boys aged 5 and 2 and along with us she loves them to bits and is so proud of her "2 boys" The problem I am facing is that she is getting herself very upset when she thinks of the future. She talks about when she no longer has me and her dad and when the boys have grown up and probably left home she will have no one. We have always been so close and tell each other everything and I guess we both think of each other as best friends too. She doesn't want any more children amd at the end of the day there is no guarantee she would have a girl so as to perhaps have the kind of friendship we have had.She is very happily married and at other times she talks of what they will be able to do when the boys are no longer reliant on them. I try to lift her spirits and tell her to be more positive but I also can get upset when I think about her with no one close to have a girlie chat to. She as plenty of friends but none close enough to trust and confide in like she does with me. As anyone the answer?

Nanado Mon 07-Jan-13 19:34:48

My closest bond is with my son, not my daughter. Having a daughter is no guarantee of future happiness and closeness.

FlicketyB Mon 07-Jan-13 19:40:57

No answer, but a reminder that it doesnt necessarily follow that if she had a daughter they would have the close rapport that has occurred in your mother and daughter relationship. I am one of three girls who had a very loving and dearly loved mother but none of us had that sort of intimate rapport with our mother that you and your daughter have, much as I think my mother would have liked it, all of us three girls had such different temperaments and personalities to our mother she could never really understand why we made the decisions we did or thought the way we did. In our turn would censor what we said to her on some topics to avoid having to try to explain to her something we knew she would never understand.

janeainsworth Mon 07-Jan-13 20:45:13

Misunderstood It's very hard to lose your parents - I felt devastated when my Mum died, even though we hadn't had the same sort of close relationship that you have with your daughter, and even though she had suffered from dementia for over a year before she died, and in some ways I felt I had lost her long before her actual death.
So it's perhaps not surprising that your DD is worrying about how she will feel when you are gone.
On the other hand we expect to lose our parents -it's a fact of life and not something we can prevent. I think too that the mother daughter-relationship does gradually change over time and eventually a mother becomes more dependent for emotional support on her children, and the children, whether son or daughter, assume a more protective role.
I wonder if your daughter is maybe suffering from depression and might benefit from talking things through with a counsellor?
You say she is happily married - maybe she could turn more towards her husband for friendship and companionship if she has no women friends her own age?

HildaW Mon 07-Jan-13 22:04:16

misunderstood. your daughter sounds a bit down to me. I'm not sure that when we are happy and healthy we see our children simply for the help they will give us in later life. It seems like a strange way to be viewing the world. I'm nearly 60 and not thinking that way yet.........would not dream od mentally assessing my daughters as to their abilities to look after me in old age. Its for us parents to prepare the ground for their happy healthly growing up so that they can function as fully rounded grown ups. (And just perhaps being a bit caring about us in our dotage as an added bonus - but nothing more).
We have made reasonable financial arrangements, wills etc and will just have to hope. In the meantime we carry on living our lives and doing our best for our children and grandchildren.

P.S. when my dear old FIL was in his decline it was me who cleaned, cared and cooked for him. His daughter was too busy living her very self absorbed life to do anymore than worry about what she would do for money in the interveening months after his death but before probate was granted! So even on a simplistic level who is to say a daughter will be any more support?

Ella46 Mon 07-Jan-13 22:15:02

misunderstood I too think your dd sounds as though she may be depressed.
Even if she gave this possible situation some thought, it shouldn't be enough to make her upset surely? flowers

cheelu Mon 07-Jan-13 23:22:03

I have the answer misunderstood because I am your daughters future in that I have two boys now grown and you can tell your daughter from me, her sons will supply the daughter she wishes for, My sons fiancee is like a daughter to me, she is kind and caring and she always offers to help when she visits and always makes time to sit and have a chat with me and I know that If I ever needed anything that she would be first in line to help, so please dont worry your daughter will absolutly be fine and best news of all, you have a ready made daughter and you have not had to do all the hard graft ha ha..

PS It sounds to me that she has either read something somewere or has spoken to someone that has ended up alone, and got her thinking...

cheelu Mon 07-Jan-13 23:25:44

PS M When I lost my parents I found it quite hard to get over it but when my grandson was born it did make up for loosing them....The cycle of life...

annodomini Mon 07-Jan-13 23:41:30

My sons are close to me, though not geographically! I have never been the smothering kind of mum. My DiLs are the daughters I never had, are kind and caring and always hospitable to me, but again, I have to acknowledge that they have their own lives and careers and I am sure that it would have been just the same if I'd really had a daughter. I can also have a good time with grown-up GD, but she also has a life to live. If it wasn't a harsh thing to do I might suggest that your daughter should 'get a life'. Ultimately we all have to do without our parents and we get on with it no matter how much we may miss them. However, I am inclined to agree that she must be suffering from some kind of mid-life crisis and/or depression. She does need help.

gillybob Tue 08-Jan-13 09:24:55

Oh dear your daughter seems to have got herself all wound up about something way in the future that may never happen misunderstood. At 5 and 2 those boys are going to need your daughter for a heck of a long time yet. I think someone ( probably someone jealous of her lovely boys) has been putting ideas into her head based on the old fashioned assumption that once a son grows up and leaves home her motherly role will be done. What rubbish. I have a son and a daughter and am equally close to both of them. If anything my son is the more sensitive caring one of the two and the one who "needs" ( not the right word but you get what I mean) me the most. He asks my opinions more and it is my son who has given me my three beautiful grandchildren and a daughter in law!

Additionally none of us know how long we will be here for. I could never have guessed that I would still have my parents and indeed grandma around ( she is 96) at this time in my life.
I think perhaps your poor daughter is just feeling a bit down at the moment. Give her an extra hug from GN.

dorsetpennt Tue 08-Jan-13 09:50:48

You say she is coming up to 40, maybe thats the problem. By 40 you are expected to have made your mark on society maybe she feels she hasn't. Also men are still considered to be attractive at 40, for various reasons not always their looks - look at Ronnie Wood a wrinklie who has just married a very young woman. Would you see that in reverse? It's pretty rare. Women start to 'fade' to society at 40 - unfairly so. Having a daughter doesn't give you a companion for life - once she is married especially. I'm close to both my children.nmmmmmmmmmm [cat just walked over the keyboard having her say]. It could be her realising her chances of another baby are lessening
Maybe a spot of counselling would help her over this - or a lot of bolstering up by her family - just to get over this episode. If she hasn't a history of depression I think its just temporary.

JessM Tue 08-Jan-13 10:23:43

Yes this does sound like a candidate for a spot of counselling dorset - just what I was thinking as I skimmed down the thread. (Probably what your cat was thinking as it skimmed along the keyboard!)
I think a lot of mothers get sad when they realise just how fast their kids grow up.
And well, life ain't easy for us humans is it, cos we are aware that those we love will not be the same for ever or around for ever.
And it's one of those life long challenges isn't it. Trying not to make ourselves miserable about things that will or might happen in the future - prevents us from enjoying today.
So I'd say encourage her to get a personal recommendation to a good counsellor. If not the BAC website has list of registered ones.

glammanana Tue 08-Jan-13 11:17:23

misunderstood your DD may be suffering from the thought of not having a baby around the house now the little man is 2yrs and much more independant of her,you should maybe suggest she involves herself with more mums if she already doesn't or maybe something to occupy her mind when little one goes off to nursery.She could be suffering empty cradle syndrom rather than empty nest,I know a friend of DDs who is only at her happiest when she has a baby in the family.
A good counsellor will help I'm sure as suggested by other

misunderstood Fri 11-Jan-13 19:11:15

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to comment and I have taken all points of view on board especially those who have sons and are now reaping the benefits of a daughter in law