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Guilty about my mother

(15 Posts)
MatureUniStudent Tue 15-Jan-13 20:01:11

I have been alone with my 4 x DC for 4 years. My ex is abusive and has had no contact with the DC for years. He refuses to pay the mortgage, bills etc and has made both my life and the DC's lives one of stress and worry. My DM, the DC's gran has listened, supported and bought the extras for the DC when I just couldn't afford them.

My ex has taken it so far the house has to be put on the market to pay off his debts - there will be no capital for me and more importantly no home for the DC. All of that I will deal with, but my DM (gran) has announced that she will go to a flat and I can have her house. She will support me in that house until I am able to find a job (youngest DC is disabled).

I feel SO GUILTY. None of this misery is of her making or anything to do with her. It's not my fault or my DC's fault either - but I have brought it to her door and she is going to move out of her home to give me and the DC a home (she is in her 80's but a wonderfully vibrant woman).

Just that really - my DC ask me, would I do the same for any of them - and in a heartbeat I would, but I am 50, (have been a SAHM all my life) shouldn't I somehow magic a job and provide myself even though I know realistically I can't and the children need me still.

Granny23 Tue 15-Jan-13 20:14:04

Speaking as a mother and grandmother, if I were in this position it would be my pleasure and joy to be able to offer my DD + DGC a home. I would be expecting my DD to inherit the House anyway in the fullness of time and probably finding it a bit much for me to manage on my own - at 80+ I would be happy with a bedsit. Only problem I would have is that I have 2 DDs and would not like to pass ALL my assets to only one of them. If you are a singleton then there is no problem.

YOU should not be feeling guilty - the misery is all of your abusive ex's making, though I don't suppose he feels guilty for one minute.

Anne58 Tue 15-Jan-13 20:19:58

I feel for you, but be warned unless you are prepared to take on work as a carer etc, the job market is incredibly tough these days. Your mother sounds like a wonderful person, what a shame that circumstances aren't such that you could (between you) have a property that would accommodate all three generations to give mutual support.

cheelu Tue 15-Jan-13 20:25:39

Mature, it is not your fault that your husband is an idiot--sorry but he really is if he can turn his back on his own children in the manner that he has--you have been left alone to take care of things, you are extremly LUCKY to have have an Angel for a Mother you really are, I dont think you should be feeling guilty, your Mum is doing the right thing, helping her family in their hour of need!!

In my humble opinion you should take the much needed help and look forward with a smile on your face and in the happy knowledge that you have daughters that will love you for the rest of your life and a Mother that puts you and your children before herself!!!

Your husband has nothing!!!

Best wishes to you sweet x x

tanglerose Tue 15-Jan-13 20:30:00

You have said it all your children need you. I expect most of us here would feel exactly the same and would offer whatever we could to support our DC. Could your DM also live with you and you could be her carer should she require such help in the future. Many children would just take without another thought so well done to you for caring so much how you DM feels and whatever happens I hope the future will be happier for you all

Ana Tue 15-Jan-13 20:38:06

I agree with all that's been said - accept your DM's offer (or have her to live with you, depending on how big the house is) and get on with your life. Your children are dependent upon you and your DM obviously loves you all very much and wants to help. Do try not to feel guilty - this sort of situation when families rally round and become even closer. smile

MatureUniStudent Tue 15-Jan-13 20:44:24

Thank you, thank you. I have been punishing myself for being so stupid as to bring all of this misery to her door. But I am so grateful for your replies. I originally said to her that I had to move, to rent, and that would have to be out of the area, as rents are high here. Then she suggested we all moved in together, bought a big house that could be split between us - two households or two houses in the same village/town. But DM dosen't want to move, and neither do I - she was willing to follow me, in her 80's, so I could rent in a cheap area.

But she decided this would be the best plan, and for the first time in 4 years, I have slept though the night. You know you are stressed, you know you are paniced all the time, but it isn't until you have that incredible stress removed, that you realise how dreafully all consuming it has been.

I can see it now, from GM's points of view. I am so lucky to have her support and kindness. And it makes me happy to know I can be on hand, just down the road, to look after her still.

vampirequeen Tue 15-Jan-13 20:45:34

Take the offer. It's offered with love.

MatureUniStudent Tue 15-Jan-13 20:45:38

Oh and Phoenix, you are so true - it is impossible to find a job with the caring I already do. But I am taking a degree to improve my chances.

Marelli Tue 15-Jan-13 20:49:22

Don't feel guilty. Your mother is doing what so many of us would do. I would do it too without another thought.
Years ago I was talking with a friend about our children and I said something like, "We would give them the clothes off our backs to keep them warm, wouldn't we?" She answered by saying, "No, we would give them the skin off our backs."
By doing what she's doing, your mother is making sure her daughter and her family are safe and secure. That's making her happy. Good luck. You deserve it.

merlotgran Tue 15-Jan-13 21:02:49

Mature, Is there an Independant Living complex anywhere near you? They are ideal for people who want to live in their own flats but might one day need care. There is a good sense of community and trained staff are on hand if and when required. The flats can be bought leasehold or, if local authority funding is needed, they can be rented. Your mother might benefit by that kind of downsizing and you can assist with her care as much as you want.

Good Luck

NfkDumpling Tue 15-Jan-13 21:07:23


Deedaa Tue 15-Jan-13 22:31:51

Mature I'm sure your mother is desperate to help, just as you would be for one of your children. As Ana says this is when families rally round. My children and their partners have been backwards & forwards like yoyo's sometimes and we spent 4 months sleeping on my daughter's floor when we were temporarily homeless. I do hope you can find an arrangement that works for you all, don't feel guilty I'm sure your mother isn't blaming

Greatnan Tue 15-Jan-13 22:44:38

Mature - when my own daughter lost her home and her business following a botched operation I gladly sold my own home and rented for four years until her medical negligence claim was settled. I didn't even have to think about it - she was divorced with four children and they needed a home much more than I did. I know most mothers would do the same.
Your mother is very lucky that you are so appreciative. Just let her know how much her kindness means to you - that is all she will want.

york46 Wed 16-Jan-13 10:35:17

You sound like a lovely family who love each other so much. Here's wishing you all the best flowers