Should I finance my grownup DD and the DGCs?

I'd love to be able to help my children and granchildren financially if I had the finances to make that possible. My two older grandchildren have a fair amount of expensive treats from their other Grandparents but the younger ones in Oz have to have what Mum and Dad can afford.The best I can do is to visit them and spend lots of time playing games, reading, chatting, cooking and generally helping out. Unfortunately they all live in Australasia and I don't get to see them very often although we do Skype.
I'm just hoping daughter no 3 who lives on the other side on the Tyne from me will manage (eventually) to have successful IVF.

We pay every month into a fund for our G/Children .

Our family if they need it . Which seems to be very very seldom . They are all doing well I am glad to say .

Thats lovely Hunt, that way there is no sense of entitlement which I think a lot of young people have these days.

When my husband and I were newly married and not very well off , an aunt of my husband visited us and left a cheque under the needle of my sewing machine. I have never forgotten this kind gesture and whenever I can, I pass a little surprise to whichever of the next two generations seems to be in need.

I want to help my children when the time is right and I feel they are mature enough. We have both been fortunate enough to have been left money by our parents and we do want to use some of it to help our children but I don't feel they handle money particularly well at the moment, they probably wouldn't agree. I don't want them to have everything just offered on a plate. We have stumped up quite a lot in the way of flat deposits already for our older son and we have financed our younger son through university. Although I have the benefit of my parents' money now they didn't give me any help with house buying etc. when I was starting out, but then I don't think anyone expected anything back then. Although for all the current must have gadgets the younger generation surround themselves with and take for granted, house buying has never been harder. However, I do think like many home owners my generation have benefited financially from the surge in house prices over the past 20 years or so. In my parents' day house prices just crept up and when they inherited money from the sale of my grandparents' houses when they died, I don't think either of them inherited life changing amounts of money.

From grannybuy - the name says it all - this is what my DGC call me because I have bought a lot of their shoes, jackets etc. I have also paid for cars, house deposits and treated them all to holidays where we all stay together for a week. We get pleasure from it, and they do appreciate it. Like others, we would rather they got the benefit now, while they are most in need, than later. We try to be moderate, because we don't want them to feel dependant.
Specki4eyes is wondering how this situation has arisen. Most of our parents' generation didn't have the means, nor probably will our children when they reach our age. We, the 'baby boomers' have been in a unique situation. I'm for spreading the wealth, while able, just not to the extent of 'on demand', or spoiling them

Goodness, I would have loved to have helped more but my husband and I struggled a little when first together with my 4 children our son and my stepson. If I had started to fund activities, schools etc I don't know where it would end as we now have 10 almost 11 grandchildren and we couldn't have helped one without the others.

I certainly supported both sons at the beginning of their working or academic lives. I supplemented DS2's uni grant, though not sure what he did with it all! DS1 was useless with money and I did help him out. However, when he met his wife, he became much more responsible and is now a very sensible middle-aged man. They asked for loans, not handouts and I was happy to oblige - interest-free of course.

I agree with all Flickety says, she puts it very well.

We don't want out DSs to depend on us, we want them to be independent and have done all we can to make them so. They have each had different needs at different times so have been treated differently. The important thing is that they do not expect our help. Our little GS asked me at the weekend if I had brought him a present and I said 'No' which he accepted. We don't want him to grow up expecting something every time he sees us.

Of course we bought the travel system when GS1 was born and will do the same when our other DSs have their first one. We have helped out with legal fees when they bought houses and done other one off things but as we don't know how many GCs we will have we do have to be careful what we do for the 2 we already have.

Because there are no expectations we feel free to be generous when we can.

I do so agree that it is wrong to make your children dependent upon you as there are so many ways we can help apart from paying for their day to day needs.

I pay for GC's shoes and I buy clothes. DC get money for birthday and Christmas. GC get lump sums annually on their birthdays. Even with two wages it is still difficult for families.

Frank, you ask why your daughters should pay back money you give them. Obviously I cannot talk about your individual situation, but there has been a thread, and a posting here by somebody who has given their children everything and demanded nothing in return and the result, as told on Gransnet, is immature children, who are incapable of standing on their own feet or thinking through the results of their actions, on their parents, themselves or anybody else, because they know no matter what they do their parents will always bail them out.

The problems recounted on Gransnet are not the only example a friend was complaining to me yesterday about the son of one of her friends who is unemployed and on benefits but is making no effort to find work because his benefit payments are supplemented by large and frequent cash handouts from his parents and, as my friend says, her taxes and mine are going towards paying his benefits because his mother has removed any incentive for him to seek work. I can think of several other similar examples.

The difficulty we face if we are fortunate to be comfortably off and want to share the bounty with our children is ensuring we have adult mature children capable of making their way independently in the word, who are grateful when we gild their gingerbread now and again with help to replace cars, buy appliances or let the grandchildren learn a musical instrument and having immature children who know that however reckless, foolish or perverse their decision making is it doesnt matter because the bank of mum and dad will always bail them out.

Once my in laws got over our marriage, they did lend us the deposit for a house. And never let us forget it!

We are very, very happy to help our DC and DGC out, and treat them, but not extravagantly. DGD (16) is on a school trip to Paris, and we helped with that, and I did buy her some boots in the sales. But bless her, she has a waitressing job on a Sunday, and never asks for anything.

What interests me about this subject is how things have changed. Our generation was expected to become self-sufficient soon after leaving full time education. Neither I nor any of my friends would have anticipated being helped financially by our parents. If we wanted to drive a car, we had to save up and buy one - the parental car was not an option. And as for houses - you saved up your deposit, got a mortgage and moved in with a few bits of furniture. As we progressed into our 30s, we then started subsidising our parents as they had subsidised theirs!
Now its quite the opposite and I and many of my friends are helping our children out in various ways - house deposits; cars; holidays; new furniture; childrens' equipment; legal fees in their divorces (!) etc. I'm not whinging, just commenting on the difference. Why did it all change?

Ditto!

What is the point of me making my daughters repay the money I have given them.
I have plenty to live on and I would rather see them enjoy my money rather than see it going to the government with inheritance tax etc.


Frank

My own attitudes were formed by my parents. When I had my first summer job, £5.50 a week, my parents asked me to pay them 50p a week towards my keep, not they made quite clear because the money was needed or would go anywhere towards what I cost them but it was the principle that if I was earning I should contribute to my keep.

My own DC got into the usual muddles at university and we lent them the money to get themselves out of their troubles but always with a repayment plan - and they did. Like youHilda my DC have grown into responsible adults and, importantly my DS married a woman who grew up with the same values so DGC are also learning to save money for things they want.

FlicketyB, I do agree with a lot of what you're saying. In many ways how our children cope with all things financial is down to how we bring them up. There will always be exceptions - the most well balanced parents can have children who grow up with completely different values and views on all sorts of subjects. Thankfully both my daughters seem to have grown up understanding that if you want things in life you have to work for them. They grew up knowing that they would always have what they needed (within reason) but they certainly knew that they would not have everything they wanted. I have seen far too many youngsters grow up bitter and disappointed because they were not gently introduced to that one little magic word that helps them learn that life can be difficult and complex. The word is 'NO'. I dont want to sound too smug and self satisfied but I do feel that if they dont learn this lesson nice and early and in a strong and loving environment they can have a right horrid time in life.

I agree completely, FlicketyB. And what's more, my DC would agree as well. I'm very proud of the way they and their partners have stood on their own feet. Yes, they have had loans from me (car, deposit on a house) but have paid back every penny by standing order. Now they are well established and have been known to offer me a loan... which I gratefully declined.

I think there is a balance to be struck between giving our children help when help is needed and subsidising them and undermining their ability to be self supporting.

My rule has always been to help them in their hour of need but never to subsidise every day living or pay for expensive luxuries. So Angie I would never contemplate buying any of the things for my children that you mention.

Unless there is very good reason otherwise I expect my adult children, and anybody elses for that matter, to act like adults and be self supporting and order their lives so that they can deal with any problems that beset them. Its what everybody else has to do. Because we are better off than our children at present we do like to treat them now and again to things that they need but cannot afford or the odd treat, but the last thing I want my children doing is expecting me to bail them out whenever they get in a mess.

Diamond rings?? angie, you must be mad!

Well there's helping and there's spoiling - are you serious about all the holidays, jewellery, flowers?

i have always helped my daughters and their children,,,,in fact i have gone beyond the call of duty,,,,,now im having it trown back in my face,,,,so the bank of mum and dad ceases. holidays..clothes baby stuff swimming lessons,, florida holidays,,,teneriffe spain,,sweden ect.....even houses, flowers flown in from holland,,,diamond rings,,,gold bracelets...deposits on furnitchure,,,the list is endless,,,,,,,,its ok helping them as long as it doesnt get you a slap in the face like my husband and i have done,........my children have had so much,,,so now we are changing our will and not leaving them anything, it will be put in trust for the grandkids . they can have it when they are hopefully sensible at 30, !

My mum used to help me with the cost of ballet and swimming lessons. She also took the children on holiday to places we couldn't afford to take them.

GadaboutGran, gosh wasn't that Wills programme excellent? Shame they did not do another series as I thought it covered some potentially very difficult family problems in a very tactful yet persuasive way. Gerry Robinson was so calm and gentle with all the families.

We've never had to broach the subject as their need has been only too clear & we've just offered as we didn't want the worry of them being homeless etc. Some help also helps us to use our money wisely. It doesn't sound like yours will take you for granted or use you to rescue them as a matter of course. We have offered money as a loan with interest or given things to the kids as presents as you do. It's harder when there's more than one sibling who have very different means & earning potential. Inspired by the Gerry Robinson programme about Wills, we asked them what they think would be fair when we die. We concluded we would rather help them now (in money or practical help) in our lifetime, which might mean one gets more than another, but on our death any remaining assets will be divided equally.