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Making a man out of a boy

(72 Posts)
cathy Mon 15-Apr-13 14:22:31

I put this Thread here as I am looking for a bit of man advise.

My son who is 23 is really quite soft in that he does not cope with life's ups and downs very well, he actually does behave more as a women would and not a man.

That all may sound a bit chauvinistic but its mainly that I worry for him ,he just isn't very good at coping.

I have tried not helping him with things but he just gets in a terrible mess and extremely stressed out

One example, he has problems at present with his car, various issues, he tried to resolve them but a few more came along as often can happen with cars, he just could not cope with sorting it out and firstly called his Dad then came home and I ended up having to take the car to the garage!

Please help

glassortwo Mon 15-Apr-13 14:25:40

cathy I dont think its just men that do this I have a neice who is just the same. I think its down to personality and not gender.

j08 Mon 15-Apr-13 14:28:21

He's still very young at 23. Give him time.

By the way, women are usually very good copers. smile

j08 Mon 15-Apr-13 14:29:05

Wait till he gets a girlfriend! Made all the difference to my dozy son.

glassortwo Mon 15-Apr-13 14:30:46

Hat shopping on the horizon yet jingle smile

glammanana Mon 15-Apr-13 14:56:14

glass nothing more exciting than hat shopping have been doing mine for last 3 months its fab !!! now got the right one very OTT but who cares,just you wait jings
cathy don't worry about your boy even though my 2 DSs are Military trained boys sometimes with everyday stuff they are so thick I could scream,but if it is any help they both seemed to get their act together when they where just over 30 hmm late developers or what ??

Mamardoit Mon 15-Apr-13 15:49:52

You don't say whether he as ever lived away from home.

I have five sons. The first went away to university at 18 and coped with everything.
The second was more of an home bird he stayed at home and did an apprenticeship. He was more of a worrier and would always need encouragement and help with stuff........Will you ring the bank, garage, sort the insurance please mum/dad. He's 28 now and has been paying a mortgage for 3 years (he needed help with that too!). He didn't have a girlfriend until he was 27. They are all different.

We still have 3 teenage sons at home. Life's certainly not dull.

I'm sure your son will be fine.

Mamardoit Mon 15-Apr-13 15:53:01

I'm not a grandad of course but I'm sure one will come along soon.

annodomini Mon 15-Apr-13 16:24:57

An expression I dislike intensely - and I know you didn't use it cathy - is 'man up'. It implies that to show certain emotions or to ask for help in difficult situations are somehow un-masculine. As if we weren't all different, no matter whether we're male or female. I particularly dislike it when it's used to a young boy when he's feeling stressed and giving way to what might be callously referred to as 'girly' feelings.

janeainsworth Mon 15-Apr-13 17:12:20

Cathy My DS once rang me from a petrol station to ask how to put petrol in the car. I told him to ask the lady behind the counter grin
And DD2 texted me from France where she was living in student accommodation to ask how to unblock a sink!

Ella46 Mon 15-Apr-13 17:17:16

My friend's dd once rang her from Paris to ask what time it was!!! grin

MrsJamJam Mon 15-Apr-13 17:20:15

23 is very young these days, in my limited experience the behaving like a grown up doesn't happen until nearer 30 - and my 41 year old single son still rings me for all sorts of practical advice, and for a hug when he is miserable.

cathy Mon 15-Apr-13 17:43:47

What I have learnt is that we have produced a generation of softies that find it difficult to get on with the necessary without help.

I was very wet behind the ears when I left home and got no help what so ever and truly believe that not getting help made me stronger.

I asked for help the once, when I had my first child and was refused it, but again it made me a stronger person, I only asked the once and never ever asked again.

I don't want my son to be the kind of person that has to phone his Mum and Dad every time he has a life problem

anno I do get were you are coming from but I want my son to be strong and be able to cope with life, I am not sure if that makes me a horrible person or not but it is how I feel.

Also I do believe that there is still a difference between Men and Women because it is still the women that have the baby. The situation my son faces is his Fiance wants to be a stay at home Mum, now if he does not sort himself out, how on earth is he going to cope with taking care of a Family

I despair I truly do

j08 Mon 15-Apr-13 17:47:48

Perhaps he's not really ready to marry? He is still young.

j08 Mon 15-Apr-13 17:51:52

I'm glad we can be here for our children.

Can't be anything wrong with giving some support, no matter what their age.

cathy Mon 15-Apr-13 17:52:10

He really wants to though, he really wants a family and to get married this is why I worry because he can barely take care of hiself

cathy Mon 15-Apr-13 17:54:24

True j08 but there is a Big difference between giving support and having to help with things that you should not help with.

I have bought him a brand new car and give him £100 per week to help support him, as he has only just moved out and I also buy him bits of shopping

gracesmum Mon 15-Apr-13 18:04:09

May I ask why, Cathy?? If he were still a student I could understand - but £100 a week? a brand new car? No wonder he still comes running - he doesn't need to know how to take care of himself if you continually come to the rescue. Support is one thing - a shoulder to cry on, a no strings loan if need be (rather than get into debt or borrow at extortionate rates of interest,) a "bit of shopping" if you must - but does he have a job? Is he looking for one? Is he on Jobseekers'? How can his fiance be a stay at home Mmum under the circumstances? Do they have a baby? - it's very young to be setting this sort of agenda. I am sorry if I sound unsympathetic I have only had daughters and they have proved entirely organised and independent - but knew we were here if the going got tough.

FlicketyB Mon 15-Apr-13 18:51:03

Cathy, your story reminds me of a previous thread, where in that case it was an ungrateful daughter. The parents had lavished money and time on their daughter so she had never become independent. In your case a son who is over dependent, which he will be if you sort out all his problems, supply him with cars and money, and what other things before that?

Stand back and let him solve his own problems, find his own money and struggle and trip and pick himself up, brush himself down and start again. If he comes to you give him an understanding ear, a bit of advice and the occasional meal but no money, no cars, nothing but advice. Within a year he will be up and independent.

cathy Mon 15-Apr-13 19:20:22

Its so hard though because, take this morning,when he came home, he was just so stressed and yelling etc, it gets so dramatic and I find it very hard to deal with

cathy Mon 15-Apr-13 19:21:54

It just felt more straight forward to help

Having said that things are changing and I am now saying no a bit more.

I believe it could be a confidence issue with him

annodomini Mon 15-Apr-13 19:27:10

You say that his fiancée wants to be a stay-at-home mum. Has it occurred to you that she sees you as a meal ticket?

cathy Mon 15-Apr-13 19:31:36

No its nothing like that she is a lovely girl, its totally my fault I have allowed it all to go on and it is now down to me to fix it, and I will smile

annodomini Mon 15-Apr-13 19:54:12

That's a relief! The danger is that he might move from a dependent relationship with you to one with her. On the other hand it could be the making of him to become a dad and be responsible for children.

nanaej Mon 15-Apr-13 20:13:18

cathy it is hard to step back..but he should not be yelling at you to get his way.

If it happened again (the yelling) I would walk away and leave the room /house whatever it takes and say you will not discuss anything or give help when he yells.

I would also go with him to garage etc but make him do the talking/ explaining having talked it through with start off the conversation and then get him to discuss the issues and finish the conversation. It is a system called 'back chaining ' I used it in schools to build confidence and skills. It really helps to be the 'completer' as it conveys a feeling of success.. like starting a zipper and getting the child to pull it up etc! Each time the adult reduces the amount they do.

worth a try..all the best smile