Making a man out of a boy

Cathy, another mum with the same problem as you, but possibly worse, posted a thread on Relationships - ungrateful selfish daughter.....help.

You may find it helpful to read through it. Not only the advice given but by reading her posts, stand on the outside and look in to a relationship between parent and child that is similar to yours. It ran February - March this year.

Thank you F will try and find it

If you don't want to be harsh, try being crafty. Develop a "bad back" so that you can't carry shopping and you must be ferried to the supermarket and back. Arrange to meet a friend so that you will not be in to make a meal and he has to do it himself. Use your imagination - there are many ways that you can be helpless and need him to look after you

I remember there was another poster who was supporting her freeloading son and his jobless girlfriend. The poster couldn't get this pair to pick up a tea towel, let alone do anything else around the house. Her son wouldn't even give her a lift in the car she had given him.

We all love to treat our children and help them out but treating them as though you owe them a living doesn't work. Often those who do seem to have surly ungrateful adult children.

I am afraid I would have told him to get out of the car and walk home. How rude and ungrateful is he! How selfish! What are you thinking to let yourself be treated as his doormat?

I know [head down with shame emotion}

I don't think I would go as far as allowing his girlfriend to do as he does that would just be the straw that broke the camels back!!

Cathy, it sounds as if you are reaching the end of your tolerance with this behaviour - and rightly so. You are putting his needs above your own, leading him to think that's how it is. You need to show that you cannot continue like this, by first respecting yourself. His respect will surely follow. The harder you try to please him, the less respect he has for you! If only he knew how this was making you feel. He's sure to be a good boy at heart, but needs a good kick up the Jacksie!

My feeling is that young people may be more physically mature and sexually active than we were but I think they're less emotionally mature and less able to deal with the practicalities of life.

I was working at the age of 17 and paid half my wages for at home, even though my parents were comfortably off. I married at 21 and we got no financial assistance and very little practical help from parents so we had to manage on our own.

I think the consequence of having a tough start can be that people want to give their children more help than they had. That is true in our case and we do help our children - but we try not to go over the top. A helping hand is good but they must learn to budget and manage their own lives.

At 23, even if your son had had to be more self-sufficient, he probably would need to do a lot more growing up before thinking about getting married and having a family. (I think the average age for people to marry is now over thirty). He is behaving more like a bad-mannered teenager than a grown man so he would no doubt soon tire of the restraints that having a baby would place on his life.

It would probably be better if you step back a bit and certainly not hand out so much money.

I can't see why you should pay him a weekly sum of money, unless you are doing it for Inheritance Tax avoidance purposes (perfectly acceptable of course) My son has made a similar suggestion to me getting a thick ear an adverse reply.

Even if that was the reason, it would not be a good idea in your particular case.

Agree with Eleothan.

It is a very bad thing for adult ablebodied children to see their parents as the source of everything they need or want, while they contribute nothing to the running of the home, financially or in practical ways. If even small children can do little things to help things go smoothly, how much more so can a young man or woman?

While they are treated as children, they will never grow up into adults.

I am astounded when I read or hear how little adult children still living at home contribute to their own keep. One of my grand-daughters has a 22 -year old boyfriend who lives at home and works in his father's building business. He gets well paid, but pays only £100 a month for everything. His mother waits on him hand and foot. He is mean with my gd -charging her extra if they eat out and she has a desert! We are hoping she will get rid of him, but they have been going out since they were both 15 and she thinks she loves him. Grr...... Oh, and she stays with his family at weekends as she is at a local university and her own family live in New Zealand, and his mother opens her mail!!!

I know someone who checked her son's bank statements /credit card etc until well after uni. to make sure he was OK and not in debt. Not sure about now as he is married with 2 kids. On the other hand her daughter just got on with it!

I view myself as a safety net for the kids but they are up on the tightrope on their own! Also my brother!! He is staying with me at the moment as his life has gone pear shaped!

When I got my first job, a summer holiday job, earning £5.50 a week, fares were £1.50 and I gave my mother 50p, not as she made clear because she needed the money but because if I was earning I was expected to contribute towards my keep.

I did exactly the same with my children, neither of whom lived at home for more than a few months at a time. When DS lived at home for a few months 10 or more years ago he paid a realistic sum towards his keep and I expected him to do his own laundry and keep his room clean and he volunteered to supply and cook a meal once a week.

nanej, you put just right, a safety net if they fall of their choice of tightrope or trapeze.

Brilliant comments, much appreciated

Ultimately you cannot change his behaviour you can only change your own. If you find this too tough then maybe a counsellor could help you think through your priorities and help you learn a more "tough love" approach

Got a text message from my son today, went along the lines of him realising how lucky he was after seeing a man in crisis due to not having enough money to have his car fixed.

He text me saying that I took care of him too well and it is hard for him to become responsible.

It was a nice text, private but as I have shared the bad I would like to share the good.

As someone said, he is a good person at heart just scared of becoming responsible but he will get there

Good to hear Cathy' maybe he was starting to realise that you were getting rather tired of his behaviour. This is now the perfect time for you to sit him down and have a good talk. Explain how concerned you had been at how selfish and spoilt he was acting and how you now expect him to start taking much more responsibility for himself. Good luck!

Thats a good way forward Faye thank you for your help

Maybe his fiancée has been doing some straight talking? She must know how he has been taking you for granted.

That could be a portability anno, she did have a go at him once about something he did, but as said he is just running scared of responsibility and I think it is a confidence issue, we can never give up on our children and so I continue to plough on, in hope that we will get there in the end.

There is a good boy in there somewhere

Sharing the problem has helped me put things in prospective and I thank everyone for your efforts, it means alot