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Sons Girlfriend not interacting with my grandson

(27 Posts)
cathy Fri 19-Apr-13 19:59:20

I Feel that I am solving one problem then up pops another---My eldest son has been dating his new girlfriend for a year and recently moved in together.

The problem is that my grandson is getting negative feedback from his own Mum = my sons x so when he meets new girlfriend he says things like I don't like her.

The problem is that now new girlfriend is avoiding my grandson and when my son has him at the weekend she will find stuff to do, anything other than be around when my grandson is there even going to her Mum's.

I was thinking of just confronting her, is that the best way forward?

Florence56 Fri 19-Apr-13 20:17:40

Hello cathy, confrontation would not be a good idea. The new girlfriend is in a difficult position. She is probably just being tactfull by letting your son and his boy have time together. If the mother is giving negative vibes she is being wise to just let things be. Sometimes being a good Mum and Grandma is more about what you dont do and say than what you do say.

Many years ago I was the 'girlfriend' and when my husbnad had his son over for the week-end I just let them have that time together. I would cook the meals etc but I just let them have 'boy' time together....and many years later I found it was by far the best thing to do.

tanith Fri 19-Apr-13 21:35:20

I also think she's being tactful and keeping a low profile , it must be hurtful she must feel like she is being undermined before her relationship with the child has even gotten started. Maybe things will get better as the child gets more used to Dad having another partner after all a year isn't very long.
I'd not say anything if it were me , why not invite them all round to Sunday lunch one weekend maybe things would thaw a little if there are other people about.

Enviousamerican Fri 19-Apr-13 22:17:26

Cathy,I agree with what the others have said,but are you asking if you should talk to your ex-DIL? About the negative talk?If so,it might be better to leave her alone and maybe find a way to be with new girlfriend and GS. If he sees you like her and enjoy her company,he can't help thinking..well Grandma likes her maybe she cant be all bad! Telling your ex-DIL she is behaving wrong when she good and well knows this herself might make her act worse!

cathy Sun 21-Apr-13 09:54:05

Was speaking about present girlfriend. I think she is just handling it wrong, I believe her to be a good person as she was fine with my grandson before my sons x starting being verbally abusive about her in the presence of my grandson

My grandson has witnessed his Mum saying negative things about present girlfriend, and has felt the need to stay loyal to his Mum and it was then that the trouble started.

I think present girlfriend wants to stay out of the freing line and has chosen to stay out of the picture....but were do we go from here?

glammanana Sun 21-Apr-13 10:11:00

Cathy I think she is behaving very tactfully by leaving your DS and DGS to have time together,has the x-girlfriend started being negitive since the couple moved in together if so she is probably feeling that she can no longer call the shots in your DSs life regarding their son and another woman will now permantley on the scene,and your DGS is always going to gravitate towards his mums comments until he is old enough to make up his own mind.I would tread carefully as it would be awful if you ended falling out with the new girlfriend.Take care

cathy Sun 21-Apr-13 10:13:53

I wouldn't fall out with new girlfriend, just concerned about everyone, I know she feels that she is second best to my grandsonsad but what can you do about that.

My son is trying to do the best by both of them.

glammanana Sun 21-Apr-13 10:22:23

cathy I would just give her a big hug and tell her that things will turn around in time and not to take your DGSs feeling of her to much to heart as things will change when he realises that your son and girlfriend are together for the long haul,and of course your son must always put his boy first he has gone through his parents separating and his little life has changed so well done your DS for his envolvement just look at how many men just walk away,you must be very proud of him he sounds a fantastic dad.

Bags Sun 21-Apr-13 10:29:12

I also think you shouldn't 'do' anything. Just leave them to it. It sounds as if new girlfriend is just taking a softly softly approach with your GS. It must be quite hurtful to be in her position of having negative things said about you by someone else. Stepping away from it sounds wise to me. In time, hopefully, things will level out.

The idea of inviting all three to something you provide sounds good to me, and if GS says anything negative, just quietly tell him that's not very nice and leave it at that. Then at least new girlfriend will know it's not you being negative.


Florence56 Sun 21-Apr-13 12:37:29

Hello Cathy,

Stating that you know she feels 'second best' worries me. She jolly well should have a different relationship with the little boy - she is not his Mum. Its a relationship that will take a lot of tact and time to develop, and its best done with few other pressures. With luck, if this new relationship lasts, your GS will have a grown-up best friend in this new girlfriend....not a second Mum, that can never happen.
Children are funny little creatures and are hard wired to be pretty loyal to their natural/real parents and your GS needs to be able to feel he is not being asked to make a choice.
As a Grandma, you are in the delightfull position of offering a nice safe environment for him to be in - as he gets older he will appreciate a place where he can have a bit of a moan and know it will go no further. If he says anything negative, just show you have heard it but then steer his thoughts towards something different - and a bit more fun.

cathy Sun 21-Apr-13 14:18:28

I have given her a hug and explained its not coming from GS but she is still very weary and wants just to keep her distance, I can understand that she does not like having a little boy saying that he does not like her but I think she could be a bit more adult about it, as said she is just handleing it wrong.

Thank you for saying that I should be proud of my son and thank you for saying nice things about him, it was very much appreciated. I am proud of him because he tries very hard, he works long hours all week and has my GS most weekends, my GS is only 4 so you can imagine, He is not getting any help from girlfriend as she disappears, I try and help as much as I can and my other son loves taking care and helping with GS.

I do think that it will get better we just have to be patient.

Florence56 Sun 21-Apr-13 15:03:17

Hello Cathy, sounds like your heart is very much in the right place. Just being loving and supportive can make a huge difference. It will be so much better when summer finally comes and perhaps a jolly trip to the park or similar will help to break the ice, its difficult not to get involved with 4 year olds when they are having fun! All the best to you and your family.

cathy Sun 21-Apr-13 15:04:43

Thank you Florence

Elizabeth1 Mon 22-Apr-13 09:12:25

I totally agree that grandparents can give a comfort and loving zone for all grandchildren who find themselves in the position of having to fit in with dads new girlfriend/wife. It's not been easy to watch grandchildren accept or grow into these changes during the trauma of divorce, moving house and school etc. confused love love and love

inthefields Wed 24-Apr-13 21:51:40

Hi Cathy,

I am not usually definite in my statements .... most issues have shades of grey, and more than one side to the story ...... but on this occasion I definitely think you should just sit back and be a listening ear Mum, not a pro-active version! I don't think anyone will thank you for input at this stage.

You seem to be worrying about something which is not upsetting the people themselves. Your sons girlfriend is behaving impeccably, backing off rather than forcing a difficult situation, and respecting your grandsons' right to be with his father one-to-one. (would that all women were so tactful!!)

They need to work through this for themselves, and it may take a while. Let them do it in their own time. If someone asks you, then I think its fine to have an opinion, but until then - providing none of those in the relationship are distressed - I think all you would be likely to do is cause trouble.

If you simply cannot stay quiet ....speak with your son about your concerns, NOT his girlfriend.

cathy Wed 24-Apr-13 22:23:39

Thank you inthefields I can definitely see were you are coming from.

But IMHO and being from the Med I find it very hard not to try and make things better were my sons are concerned.

I do agree with you that sometimes you just need to keep out of things.

I think i have trouble relising when its time to back off.

My sons however know that I love them and what i do and how i do it always comes from a good place, they talk to me about their life all the time and they ask me for advise on a regular basis, I honestly dont know why they do because I am quite useless to them simply because I worry myself sooo much that I render myself in capable!!

Thank you for taking the time to comment it means alot x

Faye Wed 24-Apr-13 22:32:16

I feel concerned about your son's girlfriend feeling second best and agree with Florence. A father's relationship with their child is very different from his relationship with his girlfriend. There should be no second best, especially where a child is concerned.

I wonder how you know what the mother is telling your grandchild cathy. When my marriage broke up and my children's father had a girlfriend my normally polite children were not particularly nice to this particular woman. Later when he was seeing another woman who he eventually married my three children were horrible to her. They thought her annoying and still do, I had to tell them to stop being so rude. I never encouraged them in that type of behaviour but maybe the first girlfriend thought I did, who knows.

My parents separated when I was eighteen then later divorced. It doesn't matter how old you are you just want your parents to get back together and be a family again. I am sure most children feel the same and really don't care for another adult in their parent's lives. You can't force these things, just hope it all works out in the best interest of the child. It probably won't you know, your son and his new girlfriend will most likely have a baby and your GS will just be a visitor to his father's house. How often have you ever heard people say how wonderful their childhood was with step families?

cathy Wed 24-Apr-13 22:59:25

Faye When he speaks to his Mum whilst with us we put the phone on speaker so he can hear her properly and so he does not have to hold the phone as he hates holding the phone and so we hear her say things, my sons new girlfriend is foreign and my sons x calls her horrid names.

So not assuming that she is staying stuff we actually hear her saying it and then try to mend things!!

Its not always the case that step families are un happy families, I can not believe that, sometimes a step Dad could be better than a biological Dad.

Its always the children that have to suffer the most pain because they have no say..

Faye Wed 24-Apr-13 23:34:00

I agree cathy it's the children who suffer. Of course there are some happy step families and some biological parents are awful. The problem is many people are in a new relationship the next week after a marriage breakup. The children are often left reeling with the huge sudden changes in their lives.

cathy Wed 24-Apr-13 23:39:07

Couldnt agree more Faye Not nice to leave one Family and immediatley hook up with someone new.

When my son split from his ex, all her doing, it took him a year to be with someone else but she had someone within a month!

What can you do, some people are not nice, as long as we stay who we are, you were the good person in your marriage breakup because it was he that found a new person so soon, be proud of the good person that you are, it sounds like you have very loyal children and that is worth more than any

jeanie99 Sun 28-Apr-13 11:53:08

This situation as nothing to do with you, if your son as a problem with his son and girlfriend it is for him to sort out not you.

Greatnan Sun 28-Apr-13 12:07:01

I must put in a good word for step families. My son-in-law has brought up my daughter's four children since they were 2,3, 10 and 12 and they all adore him. My daughter has never criticised their biological father and they don't know how he failed to support her or them for years. They visit him regularly (he has homes in France, England and Australia) and now they are adults they still love him but they can see what a selfish alcoholic he is. To give him his due (which pains me, as I will never forgive him, even though my daughter has), he does tell them how lucky they are to have such a wonderful step father.
I respected my daughter's wishes and managed to stay friendly with him and to avoid criticising him to his children. I think her attitude was very sensible - sometimes she is much more mature than me.

cathy Wed 01-May-13 11:12:51

Thanks jeanie99 you make a fair point but please tell my heart that, please tell it to stop worrying, stop caring, I don't think it will listen smile

inthefields Wed 01-May-13 11:17:26

Cathy, maybe the hardest part of all, when it comes to parenting, is at this stage and age ....where we have to stand back and just watch, and keep our fears and worries and upsets to ourselves.

Thank heaven for Gransnet, where we can offload :-)

cathy Wed 01-May-13 11:26:32

So true smile