My son wont accept my grandson is Autistic

I like it Elegran

It is the fate of all labels about personality/learning ability that they go out of date - usually by being applied inaccurately and a new one needed to describe the condition anew. A lot of traditional insults - moron, imbecile, cretin and so on - started off as scientific technical terms for specific kinds of mental disabilities.

The one I like the history of is "silly". In the middle ages, salig meant holy, or blessed. The less intellectual were thought to be under God's special protection (they were not much good at looking after themselves) and were "salig" . The word then went into more general use to insult anyone who was acting in a stupid way, and morphed into "silly"

(There is a line in Wordsworth's poem "Lines written a few miles above Tintern Abbey", a lot of which is about how the clergy were skimping on their duties, which goes "The silly sheep look on, and are not fed". The silly sheep are the holy church flock, not a lot of particularly dim ewes.)

Labels are strange and always being changed. I find it strange that foster children are now called looked after children (as if others are not )and whereas I used to be an oral examiner, I am now a speaking examiner (as if others don't speak ).Sorry to have deviated from a serious topic .I just don't want my grandson to be called the autistic kid in the class.

I agree glass. It's a harsh sounding label. It always reminds me of a child's forehead being stamped. In the States it's called being 'Learning Disabled'.

I think educational needs are a particular and sometimes badly needed "label", but as soon as that label is in place there is an application of behaviour toleration ...by parents and by teachers.

Perhaps what is really needed is more training for those involved with "labelled" children, so that they learn not to make across the board adjustments and do not tolerate behaviours which would be unacceptable in un-labelled children. Certainly, when it comes to Aspergers, the more rules that are firmly in place ...and understood .....the happier the child :-)

I think I am saying that we all need to lose the instinctive over-protective reaction to autistic (& other 'labelled') children, and start treating them as normal kids who may need extra boundaries, not less.

Is it just me that finds 'statemented' a terrible label in itself when people hear that and dont underatnd what it means. My nephew is now almost 20 and without assessments he would have missed out on the help he received until he was 18, he and my sister are now finding life very difficult now that he does not have any groups available to him.

The question of labelling is a tricky one. It is necessary to be 'labelled' in order to gain the support a child needs in education, i.e. being statemented, but in many other areas of a child's life the label need not exist.

My grandson has attended a special pre-kindergarten for 2 years, but needed to be evaluated again at 5 years by a child psychologist for entry into a special dual kindergarten. He is labelled Austistic - and now attends this dual educational facility which attends to his 'special needs' in the morning, but in the afternoon joins a mainstream class, with a one-to-one teaching assistant. All this would have been impossible without the label. It is completely funded by the state. He has made terrific progress . (He lives in the USA).

As one friend said, it will just take him a little longer to reach 'normal', whatever normal is.

Well done youinthefields for taking that stance with your daughter. It obviously worked well. It's gut feeling and common sense that we are motivated by isn't it ? and of course each child is different My grandson is so advantaged by having a twin (though she may not think so !) and certainly when they are with us they both get treated the same even though it may result in him having a few more "wobblies".He was a late talker as well and had the classic symptoms of not pointing and not waving etc. but he caught up with these and hopefully the social skills will become a little more refined in time ! We have to hope and never give up, I believe.

Gorki - I support this stance 100%.

My daughter is very clear when she discusses her Aspergers, that the only reason she copes as well as she does now is because she was treated completely normally as a child and expected to follow the same boundaries as her sister.
She states: "in my opinion an early diagnosis can be actively harmful, as so many parents will then make too many allowances. I owe my level of function to having a mother who treated me just like any other child. I learnt the rules because I didn't get away with breaking them just because I was handicapped " [sic]

It is also worth pointing out to people who are not au fait with the subject, that autism is not just about children who are incapable of interaction or who will become wholly dependant adults .....since re-classification, "autism spectrum" now covers everything from the fully withdrawn with serious behavioural problems, to high functioning individuals (previously Aspergers) who may only appear to be 'difficult socially'.

Its a minefield.

Lyndaj what are the symptoms you are concerned about? We have the opposite experience to you .Our daughter had our grandson diagnosed at 3 by a paediatrician who watched him while talking to us all for an hour and then said "what do you think is wrong with him?" My daughter said "autism" and the doctor said "you are right". We,the grandparents, do not dispute that he has a problem but we dislike labels.He invades people's personal space , he asks incessant questions and he walks on tiptoes which can indicate autism. He sometimes interprets things literally and finds Maths difficult but at five he is above average in reading . So what? I believe he benefits from being treated normally. After all, he has to live in the real world. This is very different of course from having autism in a more extreme form and obviously those children do need special education but for those who can manage mainstream I question how helpful the label is. My grandson's best friend at school is very much like him but has no label. Who is better off ?I ask. After all there is no cure and help is quite limited. My grandson is statemented but not all autistic children even get that .I would say think twice before getting a label.

Lyn he wont accept it because he is only looking at the negatives.

Autistic children are amazing, they can be brilliantly talented. They are also quite calm in nature.

I think I would just learn as much as I could about Autism and maybe even get connected to a help group with people that have Autistic children so that he can share with them his fears, I am sure there will be many that handled it the way your son is handling it and if he could only get to speak to those people, that come through what he is presently going through, it would help.

Best wishes, things will get better, they usually do

Hi Lyndaj

this is such a difficult place to be, and I can empathise as I am watching my new grandson like a hawk for signs as his aunt (my other daughter) and several other members of the family, over the generations, have Aspergers -at varying points on this spectrum.

I honestly think that there are limited options for you. No parent wants to be told that there is a problem with their child, and the reaction is always going to be highly defensive which can easily translate to real anger - particularly if they do not perceive there to be an issue. I was blind to my daughters problem for years as she was "just like her Daddy" .....she was only diagnosed as an adult, when she sought the diagnosis herself. Her father remains undiagnosed, and completely un-accepting of his daughters formal diagnosis despite the fact that she has been participating in the Cambridge research programme!! At least these days, it is likely to be picked up at school (AS wasn't even on the diagnostic register when my daughter would have benefited)

So... what choices do you have? I think that you could push hard, but you risk losing all contact if the parents become angry enough. I am not sure that it would get you anywhere, other than alienated, as although you absolutely have your grandchild's best interests at heart the parents won't see it that way if they haven't realised for themselves that all is not as it should be. In their shoes, you will simply be criticising their child.
OR
You can hold a watching brief - learn about the best ways to interact with autistic children and apply them whenever you are with your grandchild. Be sweet, be kind but just watch .....and be there to support when, and if, the parents actually start to realise that there is an issue.

I am not sure there is any other alternative, but possibly other posters will have some thoughts.

Bx
There is a caveat to this, concerning the parents treatment of the child. If you feel this is actually abusive then you have really no choice but to take action ....but that would apply regardless of autism, so I am assuming its not the case.

If he is autistic, this will be picked up in school and the parents will be asked to cooperate with an assessment for the autistic spectrum. Some behaviours can appear to indicate autism, but it doesn't mean that is the case, and a diagnosis or label of autism for some children is not necessarily needed in order to enable the child to progress and develop. It all depends on the degree of concern.

Be as supportive as you can - they might be as worried as you are, but don't want their child to be saddled with a label. If their parenting is contributing to the behaviour that is worrying you, can you or anyone else help them to get a break? Sometimes, children behave differently away from their parents, in school and with grandparents, which could indicate whether there is indeed a chance that he is autistic, or simply not yet understanding how to behave appropriately.

If he is 5, Lyndajgran, he is, presumably, at school and if they see any cause for concern, they should be contacting the parents with a view to an assessment by an educational psychologist.