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How soon is too soon?

(43 Posts)
tanith Thu 02-May-13 18:55:47

I just need other views about this please.. my son and partner living abroad and their first child is due 28th June , now I'd of course love to hop out at the earliest opportunity to meet my new grandchild and spend a little time with them. My son says come on out as soon as you like and his partner said the same (she has Mum Dad and close family nearby). I really don't want to step on toes and I know how tiring/trying the whole 1st baby thing can be . I'd be staying with them in their apartment .

So what do you think? How soon should I visit? I don't want them to think I'm not bothered by leaving it too long but I also have a weeks holiday booked at the end of July so do I fit it in before my holiday or wait/ I'm in two minds.

merlotgran Thu 02-May-13 19:05:50

I would tell them when your holiday is booked and ask if that's a convenient time for them. You won't have long to wait until you meet your new grandchild (it might even be overdue) and it will give your son and partner time to establish their routine with the new baby before you arrive.

I bet they'll be longing to show you your new grandchild smile

tanith Thu 02-May-13 19:11:02

Thanks merlotgran , I didn't make myself clear I have a week booked to go away with my other grandchildren for the first week of school holidays so I'll either have to go to visit my son either early July or leave it till August.. of course there will be more time if the baby comes early but if its late it will mean going out while he/she is still very new. I want to book a flight soon as the price will only go up as the Summer comes nearer..

FlicketyB Thu 02-May-13 19:11:30

Couldn't agree more

Nonu Thu 02-May-13 19:22:27

Tanith , that is wonderful news , what ever you decide , will be right for you and yours .


Ella46 Thu 02-May-13 19:35:29

tanith why don't you just explain all that to them and ask what they think?

Bags Thu 02-May-13 20:23:22

Good thinking, ella. That's what I would do too.

vegasmags Thu 02-May-13 20:52:34

I'm sure they'll appreciate your consulting them. What an exciting time for you smile

tanith Thu 02-May-13 21:15:55

Thanks for your thoughts ladies, my son is not the worlds greatest communicator but I guess I'll do as you suggest and come to some arrangement with them..
and yes we are all very excited to be adding another member to our family even though it will be a while before the rest of the family get to meet this little one. thanks

storynanny Thu 02-May-13 22:06:17

I have been through this recently. Don't want to go into all the details here but my advice would be to wait. Despite my son and DIL wanting me to come when the baby was born , when I did go (baby was 4 weeks as I persuaded them to have some time on their own first) it was a very tense difficult visit and I wish I had waited longer to go. Think it all through very carefully especially if you are going to be staying with them

Aka Thu 02-May-13 22:17:18

It can be very tense, especially with a first baby as they often have unrealistic expectations of how well they will cope. I went to New Zealand for the birth of my first grandson at the request of my daughter. It wasn't a great success. It would have been better to wait until they had established a routine and gained confidence as first-time parents.

How do you get on with your DiL? If your son is not the world's best communicator perhaps you could ask her?

tanith Fri 03-May-13 09:05:04

thanks ladies those are exactly the things I was concerned about. I actually have only met my sons partner once when they came at Christmas for a week . She's lovely but I'm worried she is being polite when she said come as soon as you like. I can't imagine for one minute enjoying spending a week with my MIL in the house when my children were born so that is my concern. I will talk to them though and thankyou.
My son seems to be of the impression its going to be a 'walk in the park', he's coming down to earth with a bump I'm sure. grin

annodomini Fri 03-May-13 09:38:50

Why should you think she's just 'being polite'? Just, for one minute, try to believe that she actually liked you when you met. I have a fantastic relationship with my DiL (they take me on holiday with them) and I can't be the only gran who can say that. Surely a quick weekend visit, maybe when the baby is a week or two old could hardly be construed as being in the way? You can be happy for them and with them.

Gally Fri 03-May-13 09:52:04

Of course you should go. They obviously want you to and if things get a bit overwhelming, just take yourself off for a walk on the beach or into the town for an afternoon. I'm sure the in-laws will want to entertain you too and a week isn't very long, is it? wink

petra Fri 03-May-13 11:02:16

tanith. Before I made any arrangements I would wait until the baby is born.
Then I would ring and try to get an idea of how they are getting on.
Speaking from my own perspective I don't like sharing space with people that I don't know very well; and as you say you have only spent a week with DS partner.
To be perfectly honest this would be what I call a red flag moment: new baby, someone I don't know very well.

tanith Fri 03-May-13 11:26:08

petra your last sentence sums up how I am feeling , I don't want to spoil my relationship with her at the first hurdle , I know she was really nervous about coming to us at Christmas and they spent a lot of that time sightseeing on their own so I really don't know her at all well.
I know I'm just a worry guts but I really don't want to get this wrong as its going to be hard enough to spend time with this distant grandchild as it is. She is a lovely caring person and I'm sure between us we'll work it out.

storynanny Fri 03-May-13 12:20:10

I totally agree with aka and Petra!

shysal Fri 03-May-13 13:24:04

Is there any chance of you staying nearby rather than in their home? Then you could visit each day, at their invitation, fitting around their routine. I have to say that I would have hated having anyone to stay soon after the birth of my DDs. I would have felt obliged to thoroughly clean and tidy everywhere and plan more elaborate meals, which is the last thing I felt like doing whilst establishing a routine with the baby.

Aka Fri 03-May-13 13:31:48

Shysal that is so true. My daughter wanted us to stay with her to 'help with the new baby'. It didn't work out that well but I know things would have been better if we'd simply stayed close by. Guests and fish stink after three days; throw in a new baby and broken nights and stir well (wink)

Aka Fri 03-May-13 13:32:11

Oops wink square brackets.

storynanny Fri 03-May-13 14:12:58

Yes, try and find somewhere nearby to stay. If you look at mumsnet there are many threads about grandparents staying with new baby, it will put you off! And of course the majority of them refer to MIL. New first time mums have no idea how they will feel do they and would prob just want to lie around in pyjamas cuddling the new baby. I would have felt uncomfortable doing that with my parents or I laws staying.
Even if the new parents to be think its a good idea now, they really don't know how they feel by day 3 of the new baby's life.
So my advice would be to stay nearby and make short daily visits to he out or hang on a bit .

tanith Fri 03-May-13 14:29:55

Thanks for all the good advice just what I needed , I didn't think I was wrong in being wary of the situation. I know I would of been walking on eggshells with my own difficult MIL... of course I'm laid back and notrouble at all grin , I have no intention of making comments or advising her unless asked , after all its 35 yrs since I last had a baby and things have definitely moved on since then..
Staying locally might be a good idea I'll see how that idea goes down.. thanks so much ladies..

storynanny Fri 03-May-13 16:14:10

I read somewhere that our job as m/mil is to give support to the new mum in a way which enables them to parent the way they choose. Good advice I feel.

uknana Fri 03-May-13 16:33:52

I was asked to wait for 2 weeks whilst my son had paternity leave and my DIL got accustomed to the newborn. I lived abroad and it was heart-breaking not to go earlier as all my DIL's family and friends were able to go before me. I did as I was asked, but my DIL didn't like me being there as she said she didn't feel she could bond with baby with me there. In my family, it has always been acceptable to be around to help with a newborn, but this alienated me and also my husband when he flew in a week later to see his granddaughter. I would suggest finding accommodation to give everyone some space.

Galen Fri 03-May-13 16:56:41

I had to wait a month although the other parents saw DGD. This was because they did not want to travel down to me and at the time I wouldn't drive that far.