Should grandchildren attend cousins funeral?

The only thing that would worry me would be the fact that it's the funeral of a 16 year old. I had to go to the funeral of a friend's daughter. She was killed by a car when she was 14. It's about the only thing Ive ever done that was even worse than I expected, all the adults were devastated and her school friends were obviously terribly upset. The whole experience might have been too much for younger children - it was too much for most of us! When I went back to work my boss took one look at me and got the brandy out.

This is one of the few areas where my mother in law and I had differing views. When my children's great grandmother died I insisted on them attending the funeral. They saw her regularly, shared holidays, visited her in her later years in a nursing home and she was very much part and parcel of family life. I knew they would be upset and they were, but it was manageable grief. Being at the funeral gave them an opportunity to express it where there were others exhibiting the same emotions and therefore validating theirs.
You know your own children and the situation best suzied; go with your gut instinct. Condolences too on the loss of your much loved niece.

My condolences to you suzied and to your family on the tragic death of your niece.

I think the children should have the opportunity to say goodbye to their cousin if they wish to by attending her funeral and as has been suggested have a small role in the event.

Everyday I walk through an ancient churchyard often accompanied by my DGD aged 4 1/2, she has often asked me questions about the tombstones and she has her favourite ones which I have to read over and over again. It has lead to some very interesting discussions about why people die and why are they buried. She seems quite happy with my answers so far which are simple and truthful. Children understand far more than we often give them credit for and death is as much a part of life as living is.

I like the traditional Irish approach where everyone goes to weddings and everyone goes to funerals.

It's probably traditional in lots of other countries too. Children won't come to any harm by seeing adults upset. They'll probably accept it as normal, which it is.

How very sad to lose a sixteen year old. My condolences suzied.

Most of my mother's GGC attended her funeral. Five were three, two barely four and two were six years old. I agree with the point nelliemoser makes regarding not shutting children out. There was one upsetting incident though when my great nephew (just turned six) became upset when he realised that his great grandmother was in the coffin. I wish my niece had explained more.

The other thing I will add is when one of my grandsons had open heart surgery last year his cousin who is the same age (they were four) was very distressed. I think her father went into too much detail about how life threatening his situation was and that he could possibly die. She then became terrified of dying herself, probably suddenly realising it's not just the old who die.

Condolences! So tragic!

I agree with Gracesmum that you should ask your niece's parents about having the young children at the funeral. I also depends on the children - if they are mature enough to understand the meaning of the occasion. Is it a burial or cremation? I think children might well find the idea of cremation disturbing, especially when the coffin just vanishes through a curtain.

suzied My condolences.

There are many ways to say goodbye to someone who has died. It doesn't necessarily have to be at a funeral that the young cousins do this. Their idea of making a little garden for their cousin sounds delightful - so perhaps a special time could be set aside for them to do this.

I'm so sorry to hear about the tragic death of your niece.

I think, generally speaking, that children should go to funerals. It's an opportunity for them to say goodbye, especially in this case where the children were very close to their cousin. I think it would be wrong if they're excluded from attending - unless they expressly say they would prefer not to go.

There is no harm in children seeing people upset - it's part of life and it's important to feel "allowed" to express one's feelings.

wisewoman's idea about getting some advice from a hospice sounds like good advice.

Sincerest sympathies on your family's deadful and tragic loss. What a nightmare. I would ask the older ones how they feel and also the parents as they must be the first to be considered. Terribly sad,

Thanks for the advice here. I think the idea of getting them involved in a small way is a good one. Two of them were talking together yesterday and saying they wanted to build a garden for her. I think they were remembering when their cat died and they made a little memorial in their garden.

I'm not going to enter into a debate over someone else's sad family loss. I've said my bit.

How small is small Merlot?

I wouldn't take small children to a funeral. They are too young to fully understand what is happening and there will no doubt be some very distressed adults present which could upset them.

I'm sorry for your family's loss, suzied

I would want them to go. I cannot help thinking that its often the adults who don't feel comfortable with explaining death to children, that makes them not want children to attend.

The best thing is to tell them that can come and help say goodbye to their cousin. It is Ok to be sad but we can remember the happy things about her.
wisewoman & Mishap have very good points, they could have a role with something special to do or say.

Being shut out of the grieving and remembering might be much harder for them.
I hope it works out.

Many condolences to all the family - this must have been a dreadful shock to everyone.

I went to a funeral recently where a little girl of 8 participated in the funeral - she went up and lit a candle in front of the coffin and said a few words about her nan. She did not seem to be disturbed by it and seemed quite proud to be a proper part of it.

Maybe some key role could be found for them that gives them a focus and makes them feel they are involved - lighting a candle, making a little wreath with candles in it, making a posy that they lay on the coffin - just a thought - it seemed to work for this little girl.

I also think that *wisewoman's suggestion is indeed a wise one.

What a difficult situation. I think the current thinking is that it is good for children to attend a funeral so they can be part of the saying goodbye but it is such a personal thing and I don't think anyone can really advise you. If you have a children's hospice near you it might be worth giving them a phone and asking if you can speak to one of their social workers. A friend did this and got some really helpful advice about what is appropriate for small children who have lost someone they were very close to. They have such a lot of expertise in this area. Recently I was at a funeral where a five year old was present to say good bye to her much loved gran. I don't know how much she understood but seemed ok to be there. What an awful time for you. Sending best wishes.

Condolences suzie The little ones won't need to choose, but the older ones could have say in whether they go or not, and if the older ones go, there's no reason why the little ones shouldn't, either. Children will be a happy distraction after, too.