After the Funeral - what comes next?

I shed a tear for you loss, Suzie, how unbearable for all of you. Please take care of yourself, too xxx

There are no words...... Such a beautiful girl...... I can only send invisible, mental hugs and strength. XX

That's lovely suzied. What a beautiful girl and such a lovely smile.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2013/jun/17/arabella-campbell-obituary

I don't know if this is allowed but it has helped me to write an obituary which has been published on the Guardian website.

In relation to closure, I think it may relate to something different for each person. My parents died after many years in a nursing home and all the difficulties and problems that are encountered along the way.
I was fortunate to be with both of them when they died and it gave me such a sense of peace knowing that throughout all their difficulties and illnesses I had been able to do whatever I wanted to do and had felt was necessary and be with them as much as possible. For me, closure meant feeling that I had no regrets, no wishing 'if only I had done....' something.
It certainly didn't mean the grief was any less but I had a an underlying sense of closure - having done all I could possibly do. Even after 20 years special music and memories reduce me to tears but for me this will always be true as I remember precious times.

I agree it has to be small steps and take one day at a time. I know when my sister thinks of the future it all seems overwhelmingly bleak to her. She has lost her only child and is a single parent. She has been staying with us, but has now chosen to go back to her house where she lived with her daughter. I think this has been hard for her, but she wanted to do it so as to feel closer to her daughter and all her things. I used to think it odd that parents kept a dead child's room just as they left it, but now I understand it. You will never get over such a loss, you only learn to live with the reality of it.

When my MIL died she was only 58 and she died from a side effect of taking drugs for Arthritis. She died in 1981 and it was a very difficult situation to come to terms with. Long after the funeral and indeed for many years there were solicitor meetings and court cases and there never was any ' closure ' We have learned to live again but the sadness is still there.

One of my siblings had a child who died at 16, I don't think it is something to be 'got over' but as time goes on the wound seems to be a little less raw. I don't think my brothers's wound will ever close completely.

Take each day as it comes, there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief.

You don't stop loving someone just because they die. Time does not heal but it does, as Ella says, bring acceptance.

A funeral tells you you now have to get on with life as best you can. I think that's what "closure" means. Of course, it doesn't mean you stop grieving.

Personally, I don't think 'closure' can relate to grief, only to the acceptance that someone has died, maybe suddenly or too young, which makes their death hard to accept.

I keep seeing this word 'closure' used in relation to grief but have never worked out what it means. Surely not the point where you can dismiss the loss of someone dear with a shrug and a laugh. The rawness and shock of grief that surrounded the death of my sister has long gone but even now a piece of music out of the blue or seeing something that we would have giggled about and shared, will bring a catch to my throat and a sudden yearning. The same applies to memories of my parents. Does that mean I do not have closure. In which case I do not want it.

I can understand that you never got closure. I was 16 when my gran died. I went to her funeral. By doing this I felt that I had said good by to her.

Thank God I have no personal experience of this sort of tragedy! can only tell you about a friend of our's who went through a horrific divorce, involving threats and the Police, and then when she and her 14year old daughter were nicely settled her daughter was killed by a car. Because of the terms of the divorce she lost her home because she now had no child, her family were 300 miles away, and we really could not see how she would ever recover. I have no idea how she found the strength, but over the next few years she somehow got her back together. She can't ever have filled the hole her daughter left - but she did somehow survive. In the early stages I think she got through it by endless campaigning to improve the road where her daughter was killed, which I suppose gave her a reason to carry on.

I echo all the above sentiments and wish you all the courage and fortitude you need to support your family. Look after yourself too.

You do not get over it, you just learn to live with it. It is over 20 years since my sister did following a road accident. As I was driving home this afternoon, one of the pieces of music I always associate with her came on the radio and I wept.

There are no easy answers. My nephew died at 16 after a 2 year battle with leukaemia. The shock was unbelievable. My brother and sister-in-law threw themselves into fundraising for the hospital where he was treated. It gave them something to focus on and they felt they were helping others. Unfortunately my sister-in-law (his mum) died a few years later at the age of only 49. A double tragedy for my brother and us all. I would just say try to be there for each other as much as possible which I know you will anyway.

Suzie my BiL has saved my sister's ashes to be scattered jointly with his in the Lake District. Other family members have been scattered into the sea (he was a sailor), on hallowed ground, surreptitiously on Manchester United's pitch (not really allowed!), at the base of a tree in their garden, in memorial gardens, and on favourite countryside walks.

I suppose you can be as creative as you want. Apparently, there are some places that don't permit ashes to be scattered. I guess where there is a particular wish about them, people will try their best to fulfil it (hence the Man U one - that was achieved in the style of the Great Escape - a little down the trousers of some dear friends and fellow fans, during an escorted visit round the stadium).

Thanks for all your kind comments. We have set up a Justgiving memorial page to collect money for charities. I will send a link to anyone who would like to see it ( you dont have to give a donation!)I don't know if its allowed to post it here publically so I would happily send the link via a pm. It's got some nice photos and comments on it. We can't decide what we want to do with her ashes though, that's another hurdle . Have no ideas . Has anyone got any thoughts on this?

It sounds as if you did all the right things regarding the funeral to make it a celeberation of a life as well as a "Goodbye". I can add no more to what the others have said - there is no "getting over" this sort of loss. There will be better days and worse days and a day might come before too long where you find that you have not thought about your niece for perhaps a few hours - that is part of the healing process. The children may seem to bounce back quicker than you would expect, don't feel they are not grieving however. The only thing is to keep life going on as securely and steadily as you feel able. You and your sister and BIL may alternate being the "strong" ones. You share her loss and grief but do not worry about being strong for her. Maybe planting some bulbs in the autumn to remember your niece by next Spring might be something for the children to be involved in - I always feel planting for next year is a testament to faith in the future. Good luck to you all.

I am so glad that the funeral was a fitting tribute that gave everyone support, including the little ones - how nice that they had their own very personal contribution ti make - much better than standing on the sidelines wondering what is going on. Well done everyone for finding a way of including them that helped them to come through this difficult time.

No-one ever gets over such a dreadful loss - but we do move on and look for the pleasures in life where we can find them - and brace ourselves for the sad moments. Go gently with the flow and do not feel that there is a right or a wrong way to deal with this - your way is your way and that is OK. I am sure that your instincts will help you find a way to support your sister.

I send all good wishes.

There is no getting over such a loss but life goes on. That's the shocking thing for those directly involved ... How is that possible? And guilt plays a part: I'm laughing at a TV programme and yet my loved one is dead, I'm bad! I'm thinking about having a night out and yet my loved one only died a few weeks ago! I'm bad! As someone who has direct experience I'd say be guided by your sister and her family and let them mourn their way but be prepared for ups and downs, progress and relapse. Everyone mourns differently, some pick up quickly and some take a very long time to go through the process. I send my condolences and kind wishes to the whole family...

So very sorry for you all Suzie - so terrible xxx

I know it's not the same, but when my darling Dad died, we found his diaries after, not deep personal things, just a record of their everyday life. These gave me so much comfort for the first few months. It was like bringing him nearer and recalling happy times.

I just wonder if some way of raising money together for a charity in her name would help you all at all? Or maybe the little ones could make a keepsake book with all their happy memories of their cousin, they could draw pictures, add photos, and write down their particular memories of their cousin. If the book was there, they might feel sad at times and just want to add to it. Your sister might in the future, take a little comfort from it too.

I also think the idea of a garden for her would be lovely. The girls could plant forget me nots, and there could be a wind chime.

For you and your sister and family, I am sure you never get over the loss of a child, but these ideas may help the children a little. Take care xx

suzied sending best wishes at a very difficult time
Our niece died, aged 25, while we were abroad and we did not make it back for the funeral.
Just be there for your sister, she has someone she can rely on and just be with even if she does not want to talk.

So glad you took the children .I was 16 when my dear Granny died and I wasn't allowed to go to her funeral. I felt we never really said 'goodbye'.