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daughter in law seeking advice

(26 Posts)
happyharry Tue 09-Jul-13 08:19:52

I am a mum with 3 children including a baby. I mainly sahm looking after them whilst my husband works long hours in a responsible job.
I also sell products at home parties to earn a bit of money and give me some independence. Hard to do much else due to childcare costs.
Every year the company concerned holds a conference and awards. It involves an overnight in a hotel.
Historically dh has never taken holiday to look after our children. I have never expected him to as its at a busy time of the year for his employment This is now no longer the case. We have always muddled through with help from after school clubs and in the early days assistance from my mum. Sadly my mum has now passed away. Plus we now have a baby.
dh has grudgingly said I can attend if I can sort out childcare.
So my question is how would you if your daughter in law approached you with this request?
Would you think it was cheeky bearing in mind mil also works part time so would have to rearrange her working week.
Would you think daughter in law should go or would you think your son should take time off.
Would you think we should arrange paid childcare?
any thoughts appreciated.
Thank you

happyharry Tue 09-Jul-13 08:21:18

By the way I didn't attend this year due to baby being only a few months old so I am exrta keen to go next year.

happyharry Tue 09-Jul-13 08:22:52

sorry that was should not go.

tanith Tue 09-Jul-13 08:30:59

If it were me I wouldn't mind or think it were cheeky but I also think my son should be supporting you and looking after his children so you could go , after all its one night for goodness sake. He seems very reluctant to be responsible for his own children .

Bags Tue 09-Jul-13 08:38:32

I think the children's dad should look after them so you can have a break. I also don't think it would be cheeky to ask your mother-in-law. It depends how well you know her and how involved she has been already and so on.

But definitely the dad should look after his own kids sometimes. He's being unreasonable if he refuses or makes things difficult for you.

Good luck.

glammanana Tue 09-Jul-13 08:44:18

I would certainly expect one of my sons to help with the care of his children, I would also not object to helping with overnight childcare if it meant DIL could have a well deserved break which after all does help with the finances of the family.Go and give your hubby the nudge he needs and make your arrangements to of luck.

annodomini Tue 09-Jul-13 08:47:59

I wouldn't think it cheeky but then I am on friendly terms with both my DiLs. I do hope you and your MiL are also friends. I'd do it like a shot, but I also know that both my sons would (and do) take their share of looking after their children. I'm sorry, but I think your DH is being a bit selfish.

dorsetpennt Tue 09-Jul-13 09:08:00

I don't think your MIL would mind helping you out, though I think your DH could help out too but it could be difficult with work or he is reluctant to use up any holiday time. My son is off to the US for a week next month on business. MY DIL is taking a week off work to look after the children [he is a stay-at-work-at- home daddy]. So she is taking them away for a few days and I'm helping out towards the end of the week as I too work.

happyharry Tue 09-Jul-13 09:20:10

Thank you for your replies.
Actually this year is the 1st year where he will have to help as the overnight is a Friday night so he will have to do the Saturday.
My relationship with mil is fine. We are not bosom buddies as such but we get on ok.
Normally it takes place midweek.
I must admit I initially hoped he would be prepared to give up 1 days annual leave for this. Bearing in mind he has a regular hobby during the winter which involves him being away from the home for 6 hours at a time.

Bags Tue 09-Jul-13 11:19:02

I think I'd be inclined to tell him that I'm planning to be away for a night on such and such a date and he'll need to be there to look after the his kids. I'd get very angry with any partner of mine who made a fuss about such an ordinary thing for fathers to do.

Bags Tue 09-Jul-13 11:19:56

He could ask his mother to come and give him a hand as well.

Bags Tue 09-Jul-13 11:21:40

[snarl emoticon]

Sorry, but dad's who don't help with hands on parenting make me cross.

Bags Tue 09-Jul-13 11:21:57

apostrophe shriek!

Gorki Tue 09-Jul-13 11:35:40

If I were your MiL I would be delighted to be asked. My DiL always asks her own mother or even her unmarried brother and I feel left out. envy

mollie Tue 09-Jul-13 11:42:48

I'm with the others on this one. Your husband - the father - should step up and take care of HIS children, it makes me so cross that some men still think it's not part of their job description as parent and partner. But in the absence of his support I would imagine your MIL would be happy to help.

Go for it, make it happen! And enjoy yourself...hope you win an award!

Deedaa Tue 09-Jul-13 20:33:01

I am amazed that in 2013 mothers are still having these problems. After all you are working to help out with the finances and nights like this are all part of it. I would have had problems with my own husband, but he was a dinosaur even in the 70's. I would have expected one of today's fathers to be more hands on. That said, I'm sure your mother in law would be glad to help out. It would be a nice chance to have the grandchildren to herself for a night.

nanaej Tue 09-Jul-13 20:42:41

I agree that your DH should take responsibility for his children as you need to be away on a work related event. If he chooses to use his mum for some additional support that's good too..but think he should arrange it!
When my DD goes away or out for the day at a weekend my SiL often spends the day at his mum's or his dad's (they are divorced) with the kids. Seems a normal thing to do..she comes here often if he has a weeked commitment!

If however he will make a fuss contact you MiL direct and ask her if she can help DH with the children as you are going away for a conference. Bet she will love to help. Good luck..let us know how the conference went wink

glassortwo Tue 09-Jul-13 21:20:39

happyharry I did party plan when my two were little and DH, DM and MIL all helped when needed.
You need to go to the conference it a bit of you time, which I am sure you dont get much of.
Ask MIL to have the children through the day (I am sure she will be pleased to help you out), and tell DH that he has them through the night after all they are his kids.
You get your self off and enjoy a little bit of space from the family. sunshine

Stansgran Tue 09-Jul-13 21:34:21

I must admit I prefer the softly softly approach. I would approach MIL with the request and then tell DH that this is what is happening. Up to him to ply his mother with fine food and they could all have quality time together. Occasionally I look at Mumsnet ,as in today about MIL allergies and dermatologist s wanting to ban it , and I think that today's mums have a hard time. Sometimes Happy it's not always possible to se the wood for the trees

susieb755 Tue 09-Jul-13 21:44:06

I agree, DH should take a turn.... and its not babysitting, its doing what you do every time he goes to work !

As a nearly MiL I would be very happy to be asked often some DiL's forget we are grannies too x

Eloethan Wed 10-Jul-13 00:22:50

I would be happy to help in such a situation, but I would feel somewhat disappointed with my son's attitude.

MrsSB Wed 10-Jul-13 07:46:43

I have to agree with everyone else. I would be happy to help my DIL but would hope my son would help too. Would your MIL be able to look after the children in your home (I always find it easier that way as the children have their own stuff around them) with your DH helping doing his bit when he's not at work?

Humbertbear Wed 10-Jul-13 07:51:47

I hope you can reach an arrangement with your husband and your mother in law. It sounds as if you need a break. Good luck and enjoy!

Backagain Wed 10-Jul-13 08:06:51

I would say you need to sort this out, Happyharry, and not just for your own sake - though goodness knows you need a little "me time". You're not expecting everyone to rally round while you clear off on a weekly binge with your girlfriends, for heaven's sake.
By allowing this to go on, you are depriving your DH of the chance to get to know his children, whether or not he wants to! Without you to hide behind he will have to get on with it, won't he? He might even find he enjoys himself. And you are depriving the children of a chance to get to know their dad - they are not young for very long and in later years he may not even feature in their memories of their childhoods. They will not be confiding in him or be influenced by him. And you're depriving your MIL of the chance to spend a bit of time with her lovely GCs and maybe spoil them a bit without you around to interfere! You never know.
So you see, you owe it to everyone to quietly insist that you have a little time to yourself. Good luck with it smile

Nelliemoser Wed 10-Jul-13 23:36:27

If I was a MiL I think I would feel flattered to have been asked. But yes I would think my son should be capable of caring for his children and if he wasn't I would be ashamed of the way I had brought him up.
To be fair to my DH, which is not very often these days, he was very good at the looking after young baby stuff. He coped admirably with dirty nappies from the day I brought baby No1 home.