visits not allowed

There are 3 of my GC whom I only see about 4 times a year - lots of hugs and kisses when we do meet. Neither party forgets who the other is or how much we love each other.

lizzyr - there seem to be two schools of thought on this thread - one that you have nothing to lose and the other that you have everything to lose if you dig your heels in.

Personally I would not be prepared to take the risk - why would you? You would cut off the exact outcome that you wish to achieve.

I only see DGS once a year (if that) because of distance, but I hope we have built up a good relationship. When I do see him it's as if there has been no gap in between visits (at least I hope it will be the same this year, which will have been 14 months since I saw him).

jings I suspect that Bags is anti the same things that I am - people throwing their toys out of the pram because they want what someone else has.

lizzyr had them at Christmas - she could invite them for Easter if she wanted. She could keep in touch by phoning once a week (not every two minutes) to chat. She could be cheerful and welcoming, while giving them space and not smothering them.

If she has a fight about it and says she is not asking them next Christmas, they will assume (and it sounds as though they could be right) that she is too keen on getting her rights and restructuring their lives to suit her. That will not achieve the aim, it will make them resentful.

She would achieve more by being subtle, by being nice to them so that they want her input, than by being confrontational or plaintive about it.

You have seen more of him than I did with any of my grandchildren, but I have built a good relationship with them all. You don't need to be in and out of each others pockets to relate to him.

If you make a big deal of wanting more and more, you will put their backs up and make it more difficult for everyone to be relaxed and natural when you do visit. Enjoy him when you see him and keep his photo in your purse to look at and show off.

I don't see why you can't visit, or why they can't visit you? It doesn't sound as though there has been a row.

Have you actually invited them for lunch one Sunday? Told them of an interesting event that they might like to go to with you as a family? Asked if you could pop in to see you when you are in the neighbourhood on a certain day?

Have you thought that perhaps your son likes to look after his child, and drive him around? Many fathers don't do as much hands on with their chilkdren, so he is being a good father. It is their child, not yours, to look after.

It is not necessary for you to be as bonded as his parents are. You are a special grandmother, of course, but it is inevitable that you are not dead centre of his family circle. Accept that you had your own children and brought them up to have their own family in their turn, and don't sulk because they have a new toy that you want to play with.

They won't be more inclined to share it with you if you stamp your feet and go into a huff. Well, would you?

45 minutes by car is nothing.

She is being grown-up. The parents aren't.

I think you need to be more assertive with them lizzyr. Sounds like you've got nothing to lose.

Bags we know you are, for some reason, anti close families. I cannot understand why.

That is so sad! (OP) You've never seen him in his own home? And only once in yours?! (lots of them)

I don't think you've anything to complain about. You have seen your grandson quite often since xmas and you have noticed that his own parents want to look after him themselves. Why does that seem strange to you? You are inventing a problem when there isn't one. Just be thankful for what you have and stop moaning.

The baby was only two weeks old when you posted your first thread, lizzyr, and you were saying much the same sort of thing then, as in you're not being 'allowed' to have a relationship with him.

He's still only 8 months old and as well as a day at Christmas you've seen the family four times at meet-ups since - not bad going as they live 45 mins drive away and the parents must be pretty exhausted!

I'm sorry, but it does sound as though you're not being very grown-up about this.

I agree with Mishap, I probably only see DGS face-to-face about 4 or 5 times a year, although we do Facetime regularly, mainly because they live 100 miles away and we all work full time.
I certainly never built up any expectations about how often I'd see him, let alone care for him.

Does his MIL see the baby more frequently? I tend to think DILs turn naturally towards their mothers, so maybe the DS's mother feels a little left out?

45 minutes by car is not that far, DH and I do it to collect GC from school or when needed for babysitting. I do it once a week just to spend a couple of hours with them.
I wouldn't stress over them not wanting you to care for your GS, it is hard work on a daily basis.

You say "Well, we still can't visit" - have you been banned in some way?

Four times in 6 months is not so bad - better than some grandparents get. Enjoy the good bits and whatever you do, do not close doors because you feel aggrieved. You would be the one to suffer in the long run.

Your son says that you are imagining something that is not there - could he be right? Is this simply uneven expectations? You expected to be closely involved and form some sort of close relationship, and they just expected that you would be an occasional loving visitor.

Don't take the hump because they do not want you to care for the baby when they work. Lots of parents choose other options. I am not always thrilled with some of the choices my children make but respect their right as adults and parents to do things their way.

If you dig your heels in and say the next move is theirs, you are setting them up to "fail" according to your rules, and that can only cause more trouble in the long run.

I would counsel that you should tread carefully and not burn any bridges. Ask yourself who would miss out.

I wouldn't take this too hard, lizzyr, although I am sure it is very hurtful to you. Young parents are amazingly busy these days with commitments all over the place and may not appreciate how you feel despite the well-meaning e-mail from your partner. It won't do your grandson any harm to travel around with your son, in fact your son sounds like a dutiful father doing his best for his child. Potential traffic accidents are always a worry but you would have the same concerns were he to bring the child to you. My advice would be to give them a bit of space and see how things work out. If they don't hear from you in a while they may well make the first move but don't precipitate a family bust up. It's not worth it. Keep smiling.

Don't close any doorslizzy you may regret it in the future.

Strange that so often it is the children of our sons we are not allowed to see but those with daughters seem to have less problems. I would have loved to have had grandparents for my boys.

lizzyr it does sound as if something else is going on , can I ask why you can't visit? You do live rather far away to look after him while they work, it would be an hour and half round trip to either pick him up or drop him off not something I'd want to do on a regular basis. It doesn't sound ideal to be taking on work trips in the car either..
I'm just a bit puzzled why you can't visit on the odd occasion.. it does seem a shame that you have given up , is he even a year old yet?

Not hard hearted lizzyr you have found your coping mechanism. I'm glad you have, because I feel for you in this difficult situation. I don't understand their thinking.