Not sure how to feel

my grandson is only 9 months and his step sister visited us occasionally too and she too would be used to hurt me

You need to be the bigger person. You know - the grown-up. Right?

Not a good situation if you were all living together, fraught with difficulties.

I think it's time to move on and try to re-build your relationship, although it is not good to use the little ones in that way.

My sister said I would be setting myself up for a fall if I go back to speaking to my daughter I feel she has a point

Yes I agree it is not good to use the little ones and my fear is that she will do it again

But my main problem is How To Handle My Husband speaking to her as if she had not done and said all the horrid things!

I want to be able to deal with it because I do not want to be arguing with my husband about it

I think that if you don't speak to her again as your sister advises then you risk not seeing your DGC - build bridges but be prepared for setbacks (is your DD quite volatile?).

Do you not speak to her at all when she visits, Parcs? Are you saying you want your husband to distance himself from her too, or do you just want him to tell her how much her behaviour has upset you?

I haven't got a sister so have no idea what I would talk to one about, but I think this is between you, your husband and your DD - and SIL.
Your sister should not be offering opinions, only support.

No Ana I do not speak to her at all, I am not sure what I want from my husband, he has told her that she has gone too far with me, but never in front of me, he just tells me he has said these things

Lots of people say horrid things when they are upset, and all of you living together would be a bit like a pressure cooker - the steam has to come out some time!

Can't you give her a hug and say you know she was upset when she said those things but can you both put it all behind you please?

I think I am looking for loyalty from him

rose it goes much deeper than that, she has always been selfish and un grateful, we gave her £10,000 last year and not even a thank you did we get back

You are forcing him to take sides when he probably just wants everyone to be happy again.

Yes of course, but to what extent? What does he say to you about the situation - is he just trying to keep the channel of communication open with your/his daughter?

X post.

Have to go and

I really do not want to be upset with my husband for acting as though nothing has happened with her..but I can not help myself, I am angry but want the anger to go away

Have you thought maybe your husband is right? Your daughter has a 9 month old child - hormones still all over the place. You're her mother - it's up to you to be the bigger person.

Ana I am not sure what he is doing, she is his favourite so perhaps that has something to do with him not seeing clearly what she has done and how hurtful she has been

I understand Tresco but just because she is my daughter does that give her a license to be horrid to me, should I open the channels of communication with her just to allow her to be hurtful and tell me again to stay away from her and her family

To an extent, I can see where you're coming from, it's the inner child in us all that wants those close to us to support us whatever the rights or wrongs of the situation.

But as jingl says, someone has to be the grown-up, and it should probably be you as your daughter is obviously much younger. You don't have to be over-friendly, but cool and polite would be a starting place. She's not going to back down while you're being hostile towards her and your DH is piggy in the middle.

But how do I stop being upset with my husband

No one has a licence to be horrid to anyone else. But sometimes a child will actually be angriest with the person they trust most. That happened in my family. Just speaking to her politely, as Ana says, would give her no further fuel and allows everyone a chance to calm down and reflect. Overtly hostile behaviour, such as refusing to speak to her, allows no chance of improvement. It is always open to you to operate a kind of "Time out", whereby you speak politely to her but if she replies rudely, you calmly say that you don't accept rudeness and remove yourself from the situation for a short time. Even a visit to the bathroom will do.