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DIL v DIL

(26 Posts)
Millie8 Sun 05-Aug-18 22:57:43

Any advice please...
Son 1 has lived with girlfriend for 7 years.
Son 2 met girlfriend 2 years ago.
Couple 1 got engaged before couple 2 but couple 2 got married first.
Couple 1 are getting married next month and son 2 is best man.
Problem is this:
I had Dil 2 on phone in tears today as she thinks DiL 1 has an issue with her as shes been making comments about being jealous about them getting married first and only being together 2 years, about them having a cheap wedding and spending money thriftly (like my husband) and other comments putting couple 2 down. We have heard some of these comments but as they've been made in joking way and seemed to have been taken as such, have not said anything.
I am very easy going and dont get offended easily and I wonder if DiL2 is being a bit sensative (she's now talking about not going to the wedding) and DiL 1 is a bit thoughtless and likes being the centre of attention.
I dont want this to cause a rift, my H and stepmother didnt talk for 8 years and it was awful. We will tactfully say something if this happens in our presence and I dont know how to resolve this without making matters worse.
I would be very grateful to know your views and has anyone been in the same situation?

stella1949 Mon 06-Aug-18 00:04:59

Weddings often cause drama, don't they ? In your shoes I'd say nothing since the whole thing is a storm in a teacup.

If it happened with mine, and I was forced to speak about it to them I'd go with what I always said with my two competitive children : "You're both individuals, you are not one person, you do things in your own way - you don't have to compete about everything !" And leave them to work it out.

Even if it does cause a rift, you can't make that stop happening. They'll go off and live their lives, and if they don't see each other or talk, it won't be the end of the world. My two sisters had a falling out when they were 21 and 22 and they never spoke again ...it was a bit awkward at times but we all survived.

I'd just roll with the flow and see how things work out - it might all come to nothing.

JackyB Mon 06-Aug-18 07:00:37

Can you mention it to each of your sons? It's really the problem of your sons and DiLs but perhaps they aren't all aware of it. After that,though, you'll have to leave it up to them to sort it out. Dil will understand what you're feeling when she gets to be a granny herself.

Diana54 Mon 06-Aug-18 07:22:41

Weddings are always a big stress point for families, everyone wants it to be perfect but that search for perfection can step on a lot of toes.
I would reassure DIL2 that any offence was not intended it's just careless talk in excitement. If I knew DIL 1 well I would have a chat with her to be careful not to inadvertently offend others.
So often it's who to invite or who sits next to whom, who gave which presents, all of us want the family to be on good terms, it makes life much easier, many fall outs are over trivia or misunderstandings, especially where alcohol is involved.

OldMeg Mon 06-Aug-18 07:36:36

Just reassure the weepy one. Try lots of sympathy.

I certainly wouldn’t ‘have a chat’ with the other one. That could set a precedent and you could find yourself in an unwilling alliance against the other.

I agree with those who say let them sort it out between themselves.

jane1956 Mon 06-Aug-18 10:07:05

not advise I know but in a similar situation, as both dil do not get on (argument on face book!) so both sons naturally took their own wives side so now neither sons talk. Cannot have familly get togethers or grandchildren together, breaks my heart. Hope you get your problem sorted before it gets worse x

Coconut Mon 06-Aug-18 10:13:27

Do you have a close relationship with both sons ? If so, can you speak to them and ask for it to be resolved amicably before it escalates. DIL sounds very immature to be making silly thoughtless comments like that.

Kim19 Mon 06-Aug-18 10:43:23

How about some girlie threesomes together for lunch or whatever? Wedding chat will undoubtedly surface and you may be able to gauge the depth or otherwise of the 'problem' area. It may well be superficial or slightly more worrying. I'm not suggesting for one minute that you intervene but simply to perhaps assess the actual situation for yourself.

Millie8 Mon 06-Aug-18 11:02:54

Thank you so much for your understanding and advice. I am reluctant to discuss with anyone as I tried to do this with H and stepmother and made things a whole lot worse! Sorry about your situation Jane 1956 this is just what I dread happening.

ReadyMeals Mon 06-Aug-18 11:07:11

If I had a good relationship with DiL1 - the sort where we'd chat to each other on the phone independently of DS1, then I'd mention to her that DiL2 might be a bit more sensitive than the rest of you would have thought, and that the jokey teasing (put it like that) about the wedding has been upsetting her. DiL1, if she cares how they get on will probably either tone it down or actually explain to DiL2 it was meant to be jokey and/or apologise. If she doesn't, then you know she doesn't care about the relationship and they're not going to get on anyway, so just leave them to find their own level. I can't see any point bringing DS1 or DS2 into it at all, because to the DiLs it will feel awkward as if you've been criticising then to your sons behind their backs.

NotSpaghetti Mon 06-Aug-18 11:10:19

I would be supportive of the weepy one - but am not sure which couple you mean when you say they were thrifty - or how this is a negative thing? I think you mean the weepy one was thrifty- in which case that’s maybe how they got married quickly. If this is so, it may be that the prospective daughter in law is panicking about spiralling costs of a more lavish “do”. If I’m right in this assumption, it might follow that the weepy daughter in law is now wishing she’d had a bigger, fancier wedding....
Be wary of “colluding” with either of them. I don’t think you should discuss it with your sons but you can probably help by validating the different weddings on their own terms - maybe by pointing up the positives of their own choices and reminding them why they chose them. It sounds to me as though both women are lacking self esteem and feeling a little vulnerable just now and you are in a good place to buoy them up.
After all, ultimately it’s not about the wedding it is the relationship that counts.
Good luck to you all.

Theoddbird Mon 06-Aug-18 12:30:09

Leave them to sort it out. It is not your problem. You have to remain neutral in this....

Bluegal Mon 06-Aug-18 13:17:59

I go with those who say “stay out” of it. I wouldn’t have a quiet word with any of them. It’s not your problem to sort. You need to avoid either DIL feeling in the wrong from your point of view.

lilihu Mon 06-Aug-18 13:19:45

It’s a tricky one. If it were me, I wouldn’t talk to anyone about it, unless the sensitive DIL wanted you to.
If you talk to a son, it will be passed on to his wife. If you talk to the other DIL, she may react badly - she may accuse the other DIL of being over sensitive or wilfully misunderstanding - it could lead to an escalation. If it is really causing her upset, I would ask her if she wants you to do or say anything on her behalf - but only if you feel you would want to, and are willing to bear any consequences of being seen as taking sides.

grandtanteJE65 Mon 06-Aug-18 14:18:18

Millie, I would tell DIL2 that you understand why she is a little upset but that presumably DIL1 didn't mean to hurt her, but that you just can't get involved. Yes, you'll listen, so DIL2 can let off steam, but that is all you can do.

Tell her honestly that you are afraid this will blow up into a first class family row if you try to talk to DIL1. Tell her what happened with your stepmother so she understands why you are nervous about this kind of thing.

I do hope it's a case of wedding jitters with DIL1 and that DIL2 can just let it pass.

luluaugust Mon 06-Aug-18 16:24:04

The usual advice is not to get involved and I think is the answer if you can, however, it is a bit difficult if faced with a very upset DIL2. I would say to her that DIL1 probably feels nervous about the coming wedding and people often say the wrong things when in that kind of state and its best to ignore it. I definitely wouldn't involve the boys as they will probably just see it as all the women getting themselves worked up over the wedding. I guess its going to be a case of saying the least you can get away with to keep things calm.

Millie8 Mon 06-Aug-18 18:43:51

Thank you all for your wise words.
I have decided not to talk to DiL 1 or my son as he knows what she has said, (this blew up last November but we didnt know about it till yesturday) and was mortified, he is trying to calm things down.
If we witness these nasty remarks we will say something that cant cause offence but will show her we dont like it. Otherwise we will stay out of it, not mentioning it to anyone.
Had a long talk with DiL 2 today and she is agreeable to this and says she feels a bit better today - and so do I, thanks to all you kind people.

Millie8 Mon 06-Aug-18 18:45:03

My Dad used to say "Least said soonest mended!"

Jaycee5 Mon 06-Aug-18 20:09:18

I agree with others have said that you should not intervene but I do think that you should be sympathetic to the DIL who feels that she is being put down. People often do this with humour which can be quite cruel because if they are called on it they just say 'can't you take a joke' so the person being put down has no way to deal with it. A joke stops being a joke if you are always on the receiving end and it you hear it too often.

pauline42 Mon 06-Aug-18 22:49:09

Quite simple - don't get in the middle of it - don't give an opinion - don't offer advice

It's their problem to sort out not yours!

knspol Tue 07-Aug-18 17:20:46

Sympathise with the weepy one but tell her you're not going to intervene because you don't want to cause a family rift which may never heal. Ask her to be the 'noble' one and help smooth things over for the sake of family harmony. Speak to the other dil tactfully if ever a suitable occasion arises and mention you think her remarks may just upset the other dil without telling her that she has been so upset.

Luckylegs9 Wed 08-Aug-18 07:12:53

Millie, I fully sympathise, but I would not talk to any of them about it. Things get twisted and if there is the slightest hint that you are taking sides it will cause more problems. The sons go long with their wives, whether right or wrong. I would take on board the comments StellA 1949 made, sad but true.,it is all so petty one dil jealous of another, for what! It makes you wonder how they would be if something big happened.

Barmeyoldbat Wed 08-Aug-18 09:06:46

Just leave themto it. Say nothing

confusedbeetle Wed 08-Aug-18 14:03:29

Very annoying but not your problem. Sympathetic noises and play it down to th e weE

confusedbeetle Wed 08-Aug-18 14:07:01

weepy one (sorry the cat decided to post before I was finished) and say nothing to anyone, least said soonest mended. I have learned from bitter experience. Also not being able to host the two families together is not the end of the world. I am managing that quite well now, after years of agonising. They are all grown up and if they choose to go separate ways it's not the end of the world. Happens all the time. You are not the peace keeper

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