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Worrying as a Grandma

(54 Posts)
nanachel Tue 13-Aug-19 06:26:40

Am I the only one that worries about their grandchildren? I worry about them going back to school. I worry about their health. I worry about their health. Besides prayer, how do you control your worry?

Bordersgirl57 Tue 13-Aug-19 07:04:22

aw nanachel I think every grandmother worries to some degree about their grandchildren but I wonder if taking the view that we have brought our children up to be caring and responsible parents might mean we should trust them to do just that? Also we are limited in what we can do unless invited, and advice is probably best not given uninvited!

There are so many things to worry about it seems compared to our and our children's childhood, but much of it is "normal" to this upcoming generation. i.e. tech/screens etc - can't un-invent it and it's second nature to them.

I have found that taking a mental step back and reminding myself that, thankfully, their health and well being, are not my responsibility. You mention that you pray for your grandchildren, not everyone will endorse that but I do. So, if we are praying for them and trusting that we are 1) to take each day at a time and not worry for what has gone in the past and not worry about the future for which we have no control and 2) we have "given" them to God and asked him to care for them, then perhaps we must have the courage to trust that he will?

Blessings for today (remember to count them!) smileflowersflowers

sodapop Tue 13-Aug-19 07:28:41

Nanachel we all have concerns about our family's welfare and future but it sounds as if you are getting a bit overly anxious. You do need to take a step back and relax a little.
Enjoy your grandchildren and don't waste precious time worrying.

Hetty58 Tue 13-Aug-19 07:35:29

Some people worry and others don't. Worry is no practical help or use to anyone, though, unless it changes how we act. You can just make yourself ill and encourage others to worry as well.

I enjoy the company of my children and grandchildren as much as possible in a relaxed and carefree environment. My concerns about the state of the world we've created and they've inherited I try to keep to myself!

BlueBelle Tue 13-Aug-19 07:43:26

Of course we all do but you have to not let it be all consuming I think you need to step back and only worry when there is something to worry about
Are they ill?
Are they bullied and unhappy at school?
If not then you must move away or it will transfer to them and they will pick up on all your fears

BradfordLass72 Tue 13-Aug-19 08:10:33

If you pray, then you may have heard the phrase, "Let go and let God" In other words, let God deal with it.

Good advice because your worry is just going to ruin your health and then what use will you be to your grandchildren?

Look back at your own children's lives and see that when things went wrong, they overcame them.

Strange as it may seem, every problem, drama and disaster I have encountered - and believe me I've seen my fair share - have all made me stronger and taught me something.

It's the same for everyone.

Your grandchildren will be just fine. Not so sure about you though if you continue worrying like this.

Let go and let God. flowers

LullyDully Tue 13-Aug-19 08:13:30

No I don't need to worry unless they were in a difficult situation or were very ill. My mother worried over everything I prefer to be an optimist generally.

Septimia Tue 13-Aug-19 09:38:55

I was told that you feel as passionate about your grandchildren as you did about your children. Personally, I think you feel more passionate about the GC, and of course you worry about them.

Part of that is because you don't have control over their care. It's especially hard when their parents have divorced and the children are cared for in 2 homes - you can't dictate what happens at all. You just have to accept that, usually, the parents are doing their best (even if it doesn't match your best) to care for your GC, and trust them to do that.

Then just give your GC all the love, time, encouragement and upbringing that you can. Be there for them if they ever need your support.

trendygran Tue 13-Aug-19 10:20:33

I totally agree with Sodapop. I worry about my adopted grandson ,as he has several problems relating back to the first 18 months of his life.I have 3 granddaughters ,one adopted and two ,300miles away, who lost their Mum ,my daughter, when they were 4 and 2 -now14 and almost12. I do worry , but not out of proportion. Your worries do seem to be rather too much. Nanachel.

Greciangirl Tue 13-Aug-19 10:27:54

I do worry a bit about my 4yr old dgs.

He has recently been diagnosed with epilepsy. He has had two seizures so far and very worrying for my Dd as she had to accompany him in the ambulance with the blue lights flashing.
He is now on medication and so far has been ok. But there is always that little niggle in the back of your mind.
(What if he has another one).
I try not to worry, But. You never know.

nipsmum Tue 13-Aug-19 10:29:10

I'm sorry you are worrying soon much. We all worry at times by when it takes over your life it's so unproductive. I find , find something to do physically, walking, cookng, baking knitting or indeed anything you enjoy is helpful for taking your kind off your worries. Volunteering to help others. Helps too. My parents always tuaght me to be productive as worrying is so negative because we concentrate on the worst scenarios. Just do something else.

Summerstorm Tue 13-Aug-19 10:32:26

Never seen the point in worrying, it usually doesn’t change anything. Life is to short to waste it on worry. I’ve had cancer twice in the last 3 years and it may well be back again (currently waiting on some results) worrying isn’t going to influence these. Enjoying myself and my grandchildren while I’m here makes a lot more sense

nana15 Tue 13-Aug-19 10:36:17

When my children and later granchilden were out of my sight I worried constantly about everything anyone could imagine. wish I could be like my dd and say if it happens you cannot change it and the sad thing is you can't.
Best to keep busy with other things.
Find something you like doing and makes you happy ? Learn to laugh at silly things.

Nanoo15 Tue 13-Aug-19 10:36:44

You are not alone nanachel I’m afraid I worry about them constantly, sometimes probably disproportionately. I realise that worrying won’t make any difference, but yes I do pray for them and then give myself a lecture to stop worrying so much and go and do something active to distract my thoughts.

Dillyduck Tue 13-Aug-19 10:40:40

You make sure they have the life skills that they need to keep them safe, without frightening them. A grandma can help with telling the time, crossing the road, tying shoe laces, how to cross the road, use a bus, etc. etc. My grandson is seven, he comes to me every Wednesday, and I try to think of things he has never done before. One of his favourite jobs is "flame throwing" - using a gas burner to burn the weeds if the weather is dry. I know he understands what fire is and can do, he started lighting our open fire under supervision when he was very young, and can now also light our 10 ton steam engine. There is always an adult right behind him throughout. He also understands what gas is and can do, good and bad. He can use a microwave, and make cakes using a Magimix. He knows all the ingredients, how to weigh them up etc. etc. My only input is pouring the mixture into the tins, and putting them in the oven, and taking out when cooked. My parents taught me to be very independent. 2 days after leaving school at 18 I travelled to Switzerland by train, on my own, to work in the Guides International Chalet. I'd like to say that my Guide training has been invaluable throughout life. I married a Scouter, he drove a Land Rover overland to Australia when just 21, with some fellow Scouters!

driverann Tue 13-Aug-19 10:45:20

It’s only natural to worry about those closest to us we have seven grandchildren and worry about them and support them best way we can in all aspects. One was being bullied at school, we did not wait to find out what my daughter and son in law were going to do about it, when I was collecting the GS from school I found the bully and his dad and told them in no uncertain terms what I would do if it happened again. The bullying stopped.

TrendyNannie6 Tue 13-Aug-19 11:06:40

Worry doesn’t help anything. Totally agree with sodapop

Buffy Tue 13-Aug-19 11:15:02

Maybe I should worry more about my grandchildren but I don't. My daughter's are very good mothers and devoted to their families. I'm sure they worry but unless they tell me of a specific problem I try to leave the problems to them. Thinking about it I must sound very selfish but I have plenty else to worry about and I'm here if they need me.

Luckygirl Tue 13-Aug-19 11:18:21

I do not worry about them in the general way that OP is talking about.

I worry when there is a specific problem on the go, and do my best to support their parents.

Sometimes when their parents are worried about something, it is me who is not worried and I am able to reassure them from a broader prospective on life. e.g. GS getting lots of detentions for not doing homework - my advice was not to worry - but only worry if the detentions were for unkindness/bullying etc.

Manx54 Tue 13-Aug-19 11:38:03

It's normal to worry but it needs to be controlled otherwise it gets out of control.
My mother-in-law used to get so anxious that she made the children anxious. I found myself beginning to get the same so I reined back and just enjoy their escapades now !!
I'm not saying I am not responsible with them but try to relax

Coconut Tue 13-Aug-19 11:54:11

Worry takes away today’s strength, not tomorrow’s sorrow 💐

Chucky Tue 13-Aug-19 11:55:34

@nanachel your op really hits home with me. I too worry so much about my dgcs! What has made it so much worse is that my 2nd dgs was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect just before his first birthday! After tests his father ( my sil) was confirmed as also having a defect that he was unaware of, however thankfully neither of their other 2 children are affected and as it was linked to him the rest of my dgc are not at risk. It doesn’t help me worrying about them though as I have a congenital defect, which I only found out about last year!

I do have to get on with my life though and let them get on with theirs as there is nothing I can do about things outwith my control. I try to keep my worries to myself as I don’t want my family thinking I am overprotective.

Janiepops Tue 13-Aug-19 11:57:18

Nanachel, I am that person! Trouble is today, one can’t avoid the “ child dies of sepsis, symptoms were missed”
“Child killed on road”, “child bullied at school”! A child this, a child that , child child child!!
I had six, worry worry worry....
Now got eight GC, and guess what? Worry worry worry. Worried before they were born! “Will it be ok?”
What if it’s ill? What if DIL can’t cope?
What if they get meningitis? then dies?
It never stops (well I’m 67so don’t hold your breath!)
What have I achieved? =nothing
Has it helped? = no.
Is anyone pleased I worry? = no.
Is it, in fact, detrimental? = YES, with bells on 😱
Visualise pressing the “ anxiety on/off button, we all have ,say, behind your ear, Think of something happy, ie; chocolate, Cillian Murphy, being amazing, and just know you’re spoiling your life if you carry on cos it’s exhausting!
What will be,will be.
You know that. 🙂☺️🤪😆😁

4allweknow Tue 13-Aug-19 12:38:38

Hopefully your GC have parents to care and worry about them just as you did with yours no doubt. Were you aware of your parents worrying about your children? The world would seem as daunting a place to them when your children were young. Each generation finds something to worry about, think its human nature. You do seem to be just a bit too worried, you have to accept life will through at you what it will and there is little or nothing you can do to change that. Enjoy your GC now, appreciate what you do have.

Gingergirl Tue 13-Aug-19 12:43:19

Yes, I do worry but every single time, I pull myself up and tell myself to do something as a distraction so that it stops. They don’t live that close to me so I can’t really be that involved and anyway, you have to trust your own children to do their own thing in parenting their children. If I’m asked an opinion, i will give it, otherwise I keep out of things. I think there’s nothing more annoying than having grandparents in the sidelines fussing about the children. Try to fill your life with some other things, and trust that all will be well.

Kikibee Tue 13-Aug-19 12:47:44

I worry too, but then I think did my Mother worry about my children? If so, why? Because my children were my responsibility and not my Mother's. so I turn that around and put my trust in my children bringing up their families in the best way they can. It's an enormous release. flowers

Nanny41 Tue 13-Aug-19 13:15:34

I have four Grandchildren, but worry about two of them who have not had the best start in life with family issues, they are in their late teens now and seem to be doing well for themselves,I think issues have made them stronger and able to cope well.I always compare thier lives with the lives of my other two Grandchildren, who have had everything served to them since birth,I often think how unfair life can be, I do however say a Prayer for them every evening and hope that stands for something.It makes me calmer hoping I am helping in some way.

knickas63 Tue 13-Aug-19 13:18:19

I find that the worry for my grandchildren is worse then the worry for my children, as it is twofold! If there is a problem with, or anything happens to them, then the worry is for them AND their parents! At least it is for me!

Supernan Tue 13-Aug-19 13:34:28

We all worry. The middle of the night is the worst. But try and focus on the here & now. Enjoy them, have fun. Sometimes life does throw a curve ball. Serious illness etc, and you find strength to cope. Perhaps it would help to take something. I find passiflora works when I need help.

GreenGran78 Tue 13-Aug-19 13:35:35

My mother was a terrible worrier. Having lived through the Liverpool blitz, and been bombed-out with two very small children I can understand why she became like that.
I tend to be fairly laid-back, but there have been times when I have lost a lot of sleep over family problems of varying kinds. Looking back, it is hard to remember what these problems even where, and they sorted themselves out eventually.

Worrying solves nothing, but if you have that tendency it must be almost impossible to stop doing it. Perhaps learning relaxation techniques would help.

SueDonim Tue 13-Aug-19 13:46:35

No, I don't worry about my GC unless there is something specific to worry about eg one of my grandsons was whisked off to hospital with pneumonia recently.

I have faith in my GC's parents, who seem to be doing a pretty good job with their offspring. I worry more about the stress of work/family on my adult children, really.

Rosina Tue 13-Aug-19 14:00:48

So often I have to take a deep breath and tell myself that 'the world is unfolding as it is meant to', and remember that worrying does nothing except wreck the present. If you are a worrier it is so difficult to not see danger and concern everywhere - I do sympathise.

blondenana Tue 13-Aug-19 14:17:53

I worry if there is something to worry about,if not i don't
I think sometimes some garandmas forget they are their childrens children and treat them as of they are their own
My son had a relationship with someone, for 8 years, but as soon as her daughter had a baby he was forgotten about,
She spent all her free time at her daughters,and the relationship failed, they never had time together
Now her daughter uses her for babysitting and working and really any excuse to palm the baby off, while she goes out

Philippa111 Tue 13-Aug-19 14:45:07

Hi Nanachel. Of course you worry but it’s the degree to which you worry that’s the issue here. If it’s affecting your health .. tension headaches, high BP , insomnia etc then I would suggest trying some form of meditation . There are lots of free instruction led meditations on YouTube or there are free apps too. Try Thich Nhat Hanh or anything else that you feel drawn to. There may also be a free group near where you live. I am a born worrier and meditation has really helped me to take my mind off things that trouble me ( I can very easily obsess about them) I have learned how to choose which thoughts I want to have. At the end of the day I am powerless over the lives of those I love. I can be supportive but I can’t alter the course of their lives and I know unsolicited advice AKA interfering gets their backs up. Good luck.

MissAdventure Tue 13-Aug-19 15:22:01

No, I don't worry, because even if the very worst did happen, then I would just have to get on with it as best I could.

DIL17 Tue 13-Aug-19 15:42:25

@Nanachel Don;t take this the wrong way but it sounds like you need to take a step back!

Worrying is normal IF there have been issues, but if they're fine and well and their parents are doing a great job then why worry?

GoodMama Tue 13-Aug-19 15:48:29

Lots of good advice here.

Worrying about specific issues or crisis is a natural part of loving someone.

Worrying about other people’s children in general, all the time is a need for control and validation that is not healthy.

paddyann Tue 13-Aug-19 16:42:56

I worry about my AD's children as they help care for her due to her chronic health problems .They get stressed and hse doesn't have the patience that she always had before she was ill.

They do contact me almost daily and let me know how they are an dwhats happening in their lives..even the 16 year old and I'm very grateful for that but it doesn'tstop me worrying about them when their mum is having an awful time and they have ,in my opinion ,too much to deal with as children .

GagaJo Tue 13-Aug-19 17:00:46

I worry about grandsons education. I'm a teacher. In the uk, schools are being drained of money by academies, so they can make profits thanks to greedy Tory policies. There is no special educational needs provision. Class sizes are getting bigger. His mum is not too worried which isn't great. Parents have to be involved and vigilant these days to ensure their children are well educated.

EthelJ Tue 13-Aug-19 17:23:39

I worry about mine all the time. Are the happy, why are they being so grumpy? Is it a developmental blip or is there something wrong? If they have a cold I worry they might have a chest infection. When we take them to the park and they climb I worry they might fall. But I try to keep it all to myself and not let it affect them or my DD.

Canalboatgranma Tue 13-Aug-19 17:25:12

My concern for my 2 year old GD is that her mother has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. The thought that she will only have her mother for another 12 months is heartbreaking.

GagaJo Tue 13-Aug-19 17:34:10

Canalboatgranma, I have no words. Just ❤️ Thank goodness your GD has you.

blondenana Tue 13-Aug-19 19:19:38

Canalboatgranma so sorry that is a real worry, poor little girl

SueDonim Tue 13-Aug-19 19:38:13

Canalboatgranma that certainly puts things into perspective. I am so sorry, I can't imagine what you're all going through. flowers

Doodle Tue 13-Aug-19 21:24:40

nanachel. Funny you should start this thread today. I worry about mine all the time but have been really bad recently as one of mine is going through a rough patch. I can’t seem to get my mind to focus on anything else.
I too pray for mine all the time. I often think God must be fed up with me.
I was interested to read all the replies and will try and take on board some of the comments.
canalboat I am lost for words. What a sad place to be in. Your little GD has you but I hope you have support too. 💕

sodapop Tue 13-Aug-19 21:36:36

canalboatgranma that is terrible news for you all. I hope you find the strength and courage to help each other through this. thanks

Pjm55 Tue 13-Aug-19 22:27:25

I have 2 beautiful gch. I look after my gd full time while her mum and my son work. My gs lives with his mum in the midlands as the relationship with my eldest son broke down. I only get to see him once every 2 weeks. Every day I am consumed with worry. I worry about whether I am providing a happy environment for my gd with everything she needs to develop. I know in my heart that she is happy but it doesn’t stop me from worrying. I take her to a baby club twice a week and for a walk every day. I love her to death. I am physically and mentally exhausted by the end of every day. I miss my gs terribly and worry about him being upset when he comes to stay with us. He is only 6 months old. I worry about the future and how my son will cope with only seeing his baby once a fortnight. I can’t help the way I am but I am concerned that my anxieties are affecting my health. I know exactly what other people mean when they say that they worry. I would welcome any advice that anyone would be kind enough to offer me.

Pjm55 Tue 13-Aug-19 22:30:46

Canalboatgranma I am so sorry. I have just read your post. I must have missed it. My heart breaks for you. My concerns are nothing compared to what you must be going through.i am sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Urmstongran Tue 13-Aug-19 23:49:01

As you had to MissA
When life throws you that awful curve ball that you cannot dodge.

MissAdventure Wed 14-Aug-19 01:08:42

Yes, still dealing with it.
Thank you.

BradfordLass72 Wed 14-Aug-19 03:41:56

Rosina You reminded me of Desiderata (Latin: 'things wanted or needed').

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery but let this not blind you to what virtue there is. Many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune but do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

By Max Ehrmann © 1927

So many wise words in there.

Aepgirl Wed 14-Aug-19 09:06:29

Of course we all worry, but they have their lives to lead, as do their parents, and you just have to be positive and encourage them.

hapgran Wed 14-Aug-19 13:02:32

Thank you, bradfordlass, that is lovely. I had heard parts of it before but not the whole thing. Wise words indeed.

clementine Thu 22-Aug-19 18:03:31

I worry about my grandchildren if they are ill, which thankfully is rare. I find I worry more about their parents !