Please help! My MIL does not listen.

this is making me quite angry on your behalf, OP.
I think some MILs take advantage of young mums, relying on their nurturing role, being patient, selfless etc, to not tell MIL where to get off. some of this overbearing controlling behaviour is just toxic.
I think you have been v restrained OP. don't waste any more energy trying to be tactful, subtle. just tell her, because I am the child's mother and you are not. if she questions your decisions. try also, my baby my rules. and do not let her hold the baby as she cannot be trusted to hand her back when asked.
do whatever you have to, to keep this woman at arms length. all this tension is not good for you or the baby. think about the baby's feelings. not MIL's. she been given an inch and taken a mile. time to slam the turnpike closed.

Bumping this thread. Any progress, OP?

Ohdear, I'm so sorry you have to deal w/ this problem. I get the "cultural difference," but MIL was informed of the limits. The fact that she gave you the thumbs up sign and then came over, anyway, to "drop something off," shows that she is determined to get around your boundaries. Please feel free to be very firm w/ her.

Please also realize you don't have to justify anything to her. If she asks if baby "really needs" to be fed, etc., just say "yes" and go ahead w/o further discussion. Etc. No worries if MIL disagrees w/ what you do. That's her prerogative though, IMO, she shouldn't foist her opinions about childcare on you. Regardless, you don't have to listen, follow what she says or concern yourself w/ what she thinks of your parenting. She doesn't get a vote in hown you and DH raise your children.

"I saw it as my role to be there if needed and make myself scarce when not."

"I would never behave as this MiL does but does the above not sound a bit like being used."

Not in my view. I think it sounds like a wise mum/MIL. If AC/CIL only want mum/MIL when they need something and ignore her otherwise, then I might see that as "being used." But if a mum/MIL chooses to do things that way, I just see that as her respecting their privacy, etc. Most likely, a mum/MIL like that will be wanted around more often than not. In fact, my only exception to this rule is that I feel free to invite DD and family over, now and then, though I accept it graciously if they decline (they usually don't though).

Oh yes...and when you give the baby to her, say "I'll hand her over to you, but she needs to eat soon." So she knows there's a limit. My MIL once didn't want me to take the baby to check her diaper so I discovered that she'd been sitting in feces for over an hour because my MIL didnt want to break the magic of that cozy moment....

I understand their time is limited with their grandkids...but wow. .. let's let logic rule, here.

Yes, this is similar to my situation..."mother-in-law stopping by unannounced"...read the responses, OP under "ask a gran forum"
..

My MIL is not as bad as this one...she isn't as pushy as this...

I would lock the doors at all times and when you both are sleeping, do so upstairs and out of sight. Instruct your older child to be upstairs at this point too. Do not open the door to her and put your phone on silent or airplane when you don't want to be disturbed.

Your partner needs to get involved. She's overstepping her boundaries and is finding excuses and loop holes to drop in.

I'm not sure why MILs do this.. it must be some kind of subconscious threat to them. Their offspring's offspring calls YOU mother, not them..and they need a way of taking control and checking in because their flesh and blood is essentially in the hands of a stranger. It is primal...

Thanks Madgran77, I think that’s key to repeat myself etc and just stand my ground
I’ve been so afraid of coming across rude and trying to save mils feelings.....but at the expense of my feelings.

Since posting this discussion I’ve done a lot of thinking too and I do think there’s a control issue here and believe mil is aware of her actions....not listening and ignoring are different things and I think blatantly coming around after being asked to call first is ignoring isn’t it?!

DH is prepared to talk to her if this nonsense keeps happening....he’s becoming very aware of how bad her behaviour actually is.

Xx

I didn’t explain that the time I had to pull my DD out of mil arms, my SIL came in to the room with a gift for me, so within less than a minute of having dd back and her settling, from behind me my mil grabbed dd back off me....sorry I meant snatched ...then dd went into proper crying and upset. But I did handle that well and grabbed her straight back....needless to say I was surprised mil did that.

In that ridiculous scenario ( you are right to be "surprised!!" ) the response rather than just snatching back (your poor daughter might be:

"You have just snatched my * out of my arms from behind, when I didn't know you were there. She is now understandably very upset and crying. Please hand her back NOW." arms outstretched and touching your daughter to provide reassurance. If MIL refuses/argues repeat "Please hand her back NOW"....once back remove your daughter and comfort her in private.

When returning, tell SIL you are sorry you had to leave when she wanted to give you a gift but obviously you do not want *crying and upset in that way.

MIL - speak to her calmly about what happened. Just keep repeating..." You snatched * from me when I did not know you were there. Please do not do that again" MIL probably would say that you needed to receive gift/she was just trying to help. You …"It did not help. You snatched *...and she became very upset. Please do not do that again" ...MIL says a bit of crying won't hurt or she wasn't very upset …"You snatched her from my arms ….she was very upset. Please do not do that again" and so on. And if she does it again...."I have asked you to NEVER do that. Why have you ignored my request?" ….and so on. In other words use "broken record" and don't get distracted from YOUR key points!

Having said all that, your partner really really does need to be directly involved in this, doing the same as you and never wavering!!

lol Hetty58, yes I might put a note on the door! I wonder if that is the case for your neighbour too.

Aawww Annepl I’m sorry you feel that way, that’s not fair at all. I’m sure the grandchildren are always happy to see you though?!

Xx

I get your point Ohdear. Perhaps my own experience affected my interpretation. Sometimes I feel I am just useful but not really wanted as a grandmother.

(always thought)

There's a note taped to the door of a nearby house:

Please don't knock or ring the doorbell

Baby is sleeping!

Please text instead

I always though it was to stop the (frequent) parcel delivery folk asking you to take one in for a neighbour. The note is always there - so maybe they have MIL problems too!

Hi Annepl

I can see why you maybe read Bluebelle’s comment like that but I don’t think she meant it in that way
And certainly hope she didn’t feel used or was treated in that matter.
I think she just means she gave the family space in those young years and was happy to help when asked but didn’t push herself and force herself to be a part of everything.....more be invited to.

And I don’t intend to use my mil when I need her for something. I just want to be left alone now... I feel like I’ve been walked all over at such a delicate special time.

I saw it as my role to be there if needed and make myself scarce when not.

I would never behave as this MiL does but does the above not sound a bit like being used.

Lol @tedbear, Trust mr I’ve considered moving....it’s not actually her property either, it’s my DH’s uncles and fathers farm but she is definitely taken the matriarch role with her own family! Even with her son my DH I think she’s struggled with the fact that actually she can’t make plans and organise him anymore.
The good news in when the FIL retires, they will move away from the farm....that many another 5 years though.

And @Bluebelle, you sound wonderful and so respectful. Maybe you could write a book for a guide to grandmothers hehe

There is somehow an unsaid expectation to have that unlimited access and visits because we live so close. both sides (my dh and I ) have a lot of family and we have a few close by friends, so I’m doing as much visiting of people as what I can physically and mentally handle without burying our....so it all has to spread out. I feel like she gets offended if we see other people during the week and don’t see her.

And @madgran77 great advice! You are right about making statements rather than over explaining! Thank you! I am going to do that and also being prepared or have statements ready for those situations....sometimes I get a bit frazzled simply because I’m a bit gobsmacked by some of it.

I didn’t explain that the time I had to pull my DD out of mil arms, my SIL came in to the room with a gift for me, so within less than a minute of having dd back and her settling, from behind me my mil grabbed dd back off me....sorry I meant snatched ...then dd went into proper crying and upset. But I did handle that well and grabbed her straight back....needless to say I was surprised mil did that.

It’s been a strange few months that’s for sure.

*On 3 occasions she has not given me my daughter back when I have asked (as she was getting really upset), one time I had to actually pull her out of mils arms, then she turned around to tell me my daughter was fine. Well she wasn’t she was upset and wanted to be fed.
My mil makes me feel like I need to justify everything I do with my daughter, this is a result of having my parenting questioned on various occasions ie why I was feeding my daughter again and questioning me if that’s what she really needed*

Dealing with the calling in - there has been lots of good advice. But versions of the above are a slightly different thing! I think you need to plan out your responses ready for when this happens again because it will. So...

Your MIL does not hand your daughter back when asked to. "I will take * now as I am going to feed her/change her/put her down for a nap..." MIL does not hand back/tells you there is no need/asks why you are doing that. "I know she needs a feed/nap/change. I will take her now because she needs a nap/feed/change" If MIL still not handing back …"MIL, I would like you to give me * now; she needs a nap/feed/change. I understand you do not agree. We will have to agree to disagree. I will take * now!" No further discussion, just take her or respond with "I will take her now" to every comment!

You feel she is questioning your parenting ...so..." I am feeding her again because that is our routine" MIL questions that she needs it …"I understand that you may have done things difgferently/may feel she does not need a feed. However this is my routine with my daughter and I am going to feed her now!" MIL questions further …" I am going to feed her now. I know you don't agree but this is our routine. I am going to feed her now"

The point is to not react with emotion, react with statements and stick to them. Don't enter into long discussions, NEVER justify. Just make statements and carry on doing what you want to do.

If she just won't stop questioning say "I understand that you feel differently to me. Lets talk about something else now while I feed *"

I hope that you can get this sorted.

I think tedber is right why can’t these mothers and mother in-laws give their adult children space I ve never bothered mine always been there when wanted, I saw it as my role to be there if needed and make myself scarce when not. I ve never followed them round the world because I can’t bear to be apart from then as some have said on other threads

Once a child leaves home and start their own family our role is finished, unless asked, well that’s what I believe I certainly got asked a lot when they were little not much now but again that’s how it should be

I keep having a sense of Deja Vu reading the forums tonight!

Look up the Italian MIL thread...very similar. (what is WRONG with all these MIL's lately???)

I think I would just MOVE.... 20 miles away at least! Obviously living in her property she feels she has some sort of entitlement to your house?

I wouldn't fall out with her over it though because you just never know when you will be grateful for a Grannie who wants to be so hands-on (especially if you have more children).

Apologies for some of my auto corrects. Hopefully it can still make sense

Again thank you to all you lovely ladies for your kind support and advice. It really has boosted me up and made me feel stronger to say something again xx

Ohdear11 - at a time when I was a new mum and my free time was at a premium I used to put a note on my door saying, 'Sorry, no visitors today/no visitors before *o'clock.' Yes, some (rude) people thought the note didn't apply to them and rang the bell anyway, but were easily ignored.

Oh blimey, my fingers! meant ‘not welcome’

Sorry, didn’t see your previous post. Posted in a rush. Still would give same advice. Doesn’t matter if she knows you’re at home, the point is, she’s to welcome at that time.

You’re the only one who can sort this. I had similar problems with late MIL. My husband tried to talk to her, but she thought it was just my words coming through his mouth! Lock your doors. She shouldn’t have a key. This is so important to settle now if you can. Try to talk, all of you...is there a FIL? What does he think about his wife’s behaviour? You’re definitely not being out of line at all. Your baby is the most important, and depends on you for everything.

Awwwww you have been all so lovely and supportive! Thank you so much
I feel so much better to know that my expectations are reasonable and that I haven’t over reacted.

So firstly, this is not the Italian Mil. We are in New Zealand.
Though I will go look at that discussion too and see if there’s any other tips.

I have tried locking the door, unfortunately its usually when my older daughter is home (after school or holidays) and it is obvious we are home.
I thought at the time it maybe when I had locked the door and she showed up that it had sent a message but not long after on another occasion she walked on in again.
But I am going to be persistent and keep locking the house up!

As in regards to FIL, he is lovely and mostly easy going, I am always happy to give him the baby for a cuddle as he is always happy to give her back when she’s getting fussy etc. So I feel very comfortable. I think he knows MIL has been a bit too much for me but I think even he would be offended if I came to him about her behaviour.
She tends to make all the plans and organises everything.
In honesty before we had DD she would not take no for answer very well and would insist on booking things for us etc. if we were going away and twice we ended up in the same hotel room lol rather than our own so....I put a stop to that. She also had made a few comments criticising me on my choices with the my older child, once at dinner and I left feeling absolutely horrible and the fact DH sat next to me and let it happen. But that’s in the past....I get I can’t hold onto everything, a lot of the behaviour just seems to make sense to me now and seems it was always there but now that I have DD (baby) she feels she has more right to do so.

My parents are great, I am closer with my mum who only lives 20min away and my father is in Australia. My mum has this rule too and she is more than happy to call before visiting and she respects my parenting choices , so I naturally feel more comfortable to want to be around her.
I’m at the point where visits with MIL cause anxiety. I go over all the scenarios in my head of what to do if she won’t give me back DD or what I’ll say if she questions me needing to feed her etc etc. Sometimes DD is needing go to sleep etc but I can just feel MIL staring at me wanting a hold and sometimes because she shown up unexpected it’s just not the time for holds!

We do live in our own cottage down the road and yes I totally get that culture of popping into neighbours when you are rural, which is why when she asked if these rules applied to her before dd was born, I said yes absolutely it applies to you too. And since, as I said my DH has said something (he came home thinking maybe he’d been too brash!) she showed up the next morning!
Both him and I couldn’t believe it.
I since sent the message, which I feel has caused tension and she’s shown up once since then and I’ve seen her a few times after
Even when relatives were coming up on various occasions (MIL Side) and I attached them to visit, she showed up with them on a different day thank arranger.

There’s no issues with my older daughter, FIL is great with her and even MIL likes to spend time with her too. Which of course I am very grateful for

And my SIL who is in USA has told me she had my back and told MIL to respect me etc, unfortunately that meant MIL had complained or talked about me in regards to these requests/boundaries I’ve made and me wanting DD when she starts to cry etc. but oh well, thankfully SIL supported me.

DH is prepared to say something but I know it makes him really uncomfortable.

I am very grateful for the support and tips on how to deal with it all. The main thing I really wanted was to know that my boundaries weren’t unreasonable etc and that I was justified to feel this way. I’ve felt a bit alone sometimes and just confused by the behaviour as it’s not something I’ve had to deal with before.
But I feel better now from reading the replies so far

This problem sounds exactly like the Italian Mil who peers through the windows before barging in.
All I can suggest is locking the doors and ignore her knocking, if she has a key change the lock or put a bolt on the door.
Also as others have said, ignore any unwanted opinions, just don't answer and if she keeps hold of the baby, just take it off her.
It sounds to me as if there is a power struggle going on here, for your own sanity you must win it.