Bank of Mum and Dad

My parents helped us out when our 3 children were young with housing, furniture, clothing, 2nd hand car, lifts etc. as it was difficult to make ends meet on one salary. Once we were both working we had more money, and now we are able to help our own children. We help with holidays because we love to see the grandchildren, and we buy grandkids shoes and take them out. I hope this attitude passes on to my own children too. The other nanny buys clothes and school uniform. What is money for if not to help others, family first?

A horrible position for your friends to be in Judy. TBH I would rather have no contact than only be approached when money is the only reason.

I totally agree Sugerpuffairy that is abusive behaviour and something those who behave that way may come to regret, if when their children grow up treat they are treated the same way.

Some of us parents really don't mind helping them out. OK, they do have a very different lifestyle with higher expectations - but I wouldn't expect them to be exactly like me at their age. The world has changed since then!

lol an has hit the nail on the head. We’ve lost the understanding of what we need (housing, some heat, fresh water and sanitation, some clothing and a regular supply of just enough food) and confused it with a growing number of wants (latest phones, holidays, big tellies, takeaway cos it’s Friday, and so the endless list goes on. If either of my children was short of a need, I’d be there to help. Hopefully they’d never ask nor expect me to respond to a want.

what on earth does it have to do with you. Judy54

Neither I, nor my hubby ever had help from parents/aunts uncles or anyone else! In fact, my mother (and sometimes brother too) would regularly ask me for money with promises of being paid back (this never happened). Eight years ago, I was in a position to help a family member with a deposit for a house - which I have done, on the understanding that it will be paid back in ten years time. I fully expect this repayment to take place, and it was referred to by them, this Christmas - so clearly the commitment is accepted. If anyone is financially able to help another family member, then I see nothing wrong with it, provided all parties are in agreement as to whether the money is a gift or a loan.

I help my Son out at times when things are difficult, he is a single parent with teenage boys.He asks if he can borrow at these times, and he always pays back as soon as he can, it must be dreadful to have to ask for money, my heart breaks sometimes.I often say he doesnt need to pay back,but he is always willing to do so. I would rather he has the money now while I am still here.My parents were the same, I am glad I am like them.

On a lighter note, dh and I saw a play a year or so ago, I think by GB Shaw, though I forget the title.

It was a comedy, set in the 1920s, in an evidently prosperous house, where a quartet of late teens/very early 20s were bemoaning the fact that they had so little money, whereas their parents, who were ‘old’ and couldn’t possibly want or need so much, were stingily hanging on to it all, and wouldn’t fund them a nice little flat in London, etc.

Why couldn’t they all just hurry up and DIE, and leave the money to their children?
Cue for the prosperous stockbroker dad to come home and announce that he was packing in his job - he’d had enough and was going away to enjoy himself - so there would be no more income for any of them.
It was actually very funny.

Judy54 It is certainly my experience that if the parent or parents do not provide money or child minding they are very likely to be excluded from the DC and DGC lives.
It is a form of abuse or blackmail on the parent and abnormal use of the grandchildren

Thanks so much for your interesting responses. This couple confided in us that they feel used as their adult children seem to expect this from them. Their concern is that if they no longer help them financially they may not be included in their lives. Sadly there is very little inclusion in their lives anyway as they rarely visit or call their Parents only when they want something. Such a shame!

I've contributed to both my daughter's houses and they will inherit a proportion of my flat when I pass. I do what I can but sometimes I have said no.

Guardian 17 May 2010 The former chief secretary to the Treasury, Liam Byrne, has reignited criticism of Labour's stewardship of the economy with a note for his successor which said "there's no money left".

Byrne's note was discovered by David Laws, the Liberal Democrat MP who was appointed by the coalition government to succeed Byrne as No 2 at the Treasury.

It was -not_ Ed Balls.

By that I mean she was irritable and intractable- never wrong- and was referring to my husband and I as we began our married life and I was bemoaning the fact I hadn’t yet got an automatic washer...unlike when I was living at home with Mum and Dad!

My great Aunt used to say ‘the next generation want to start off in life, where the previous one finished’. She was a bit of a tartar, but had a point!

Tillybelle
Thank you so much for your support. I was moved to be heard and value your suggestions. You are right when you say our children want us to be who we were and it's a process (for us as well as them) to accept the change.

I agree with MOnica's post yesterday at ?17.33.
It's far too easy now to borrow money, the banks are keeping going on the interest from the loans etc and encourage us to take out even more credit cards. I started a thread about that once, no takers.
Our 4 are now mostly solvent thank God. Eldest even lends us in emergencies. But the girls especially tended to be spendthrifts when they were younger. We helped both girls with a deposit when buying their first flat, paid back now.
The boys (men) inclined to be 'tight' with their money.

My son is most embarrassed now that when he was 16 he wrote in an essay for his course that one of the funding sources was bank of Mum and Dad. His lecturer tore him off a strip and at the time, he was most indignant. However, when I listened to my adult children telling their baby brother not to worry too much about university because they will help him out with essentials, I was rather touched that our generosity when we were able to be generous is living in another generation. Of course, I pointed out to the 'baby' that it was important to stand on his own two feet wherever he could and not to put pressure on their finances, but I was impressed that they felt that way about a sibling who has enjoyed the wealthier part of our life whereas they were brought up in relative poverty.
I'd always help my children out if I had the money and if it was for luxuries to make their lives easier, I can't see anything wrong with it. As long as they weren't taking advantage or being feckless, I would be generous.

When I lend my child money for rent and find out she had been buying unnecessary things online it irks me. I don’t mind helping for food and dr bills but not luxuries.

I have a friend who has 3 adult children - one is married, with children. When her husband was alive they gave each of them money for deposits on their houses / flats. When her husband died, once his ‘estate’ was settled, she gave them each a sum of money and told them that they could not expect more until she dies. However, one of them (unmarried) spent his money on a huge 4x4 car, and then said he needed more money because the insurance was so expensive - she gave him more. I cannot understand why she keeps paying out (except in a REAL emergency) but wonder if they have some sort of ‘hold’ over her (if you don’t give me more, I won’t help you out with DIY etc.

Trainman990. He should have added that the Bankers, of whom Boris J approved, had taken all of it.

G00denough Just to wish you well with your discussion with your son when you explain that you are not in a position to fund him in that way now.
I hope that when you explain how your financial resources change as you get older even though your overheads do not - indeed they can get higher - that he will understand. I have found that it took a few years for my children to see that I had become old and my situation had changed, plus I am disabled. Now that I have been consistent in reminding them that my circumstances are different and that I am old now, they are being protective towards me, albeit not always in the best way but at least they try! It feels strange trying to explain to your children that you aren't the same mum you were when they were growing up, that you can't run about now and that your income is a tenth of what it was. However, when they realise the situation they start to want to look out for you and that is a very moving experience, at least it was for me.

I would be very truthful about your income and circumstances and say that you would love to treat him to the best things in life but that at this time in your life you have to keep all your pension as it barely provides for your everyday needs and saving up for modest treats is quite difficult. I do hope he understands. Our AC do not realise we have become older until we tell them. They see us as the same as when they were young.
Wishing you every bit of luck and do keep calm and feel positive. You are being perfectly reasonable. This is just a natural stage in life, explaining that your retirement budget is totally different to previously. Best wishes, Elle x

Ed Balls put it well when labour got kicked out, He left acard saying, "There is no more money!"

It's entirely the fault of the parents. Ridiculous.

We are about to have a conversation with our son on this topic. We have made sacrifices so we could give him a good start. Private school, holidays abroad, university fees, help with house deposit and first car. We have never doubted any of this support.
However he is asking for money now for his next home (nearly twice the value of his current home.) We have offered a gift amount and a loan but wish we hadn't. The focus today is on the difference between giving a child a good start and funding their life style choices. We don't have good pensions and have worked hard to have some financial security.
We find it hard to say No to him and the anticipation of doing it is horrible
but we have to. We will fund things in the future but it will be when we choose to and if we can manage.

I borrowed 1/2 the deposit on the first house we bought from my father back in 1979. I was able to do that because he had recently inherited from his mother and so didn't need it. It was paid back.

I think that one of the problems now is that younger children don't get part time jobs, possibly because there aren't so many available. Whilst at school I worked in Woolies on Saturdays and I learned the value of money because one day's pay (9 shillings) enabled me to buy a single (6s 8d). If I worked during the school holidays I was able to buy shoes (lovely suede granny shoes 68s 11d) and an album for 29s 11d)

Back in the 90s we took my 2 nieces on holiday with some friends and their 2 daughters. My nieces had quite a lot of money with them, which they had earned. The other 2 girls had been given money by their parents who were shocked at the amount my eldest niece had - about £20. One day when we were out with the two youngest - the non niece suddenly announced that she had left her purse somewhere and we drove to the places we'd just visited to find it. We couldn't find it and her response was - it doesn't matter because daddy will give me some more.

When I was 21 my grandparents gave me £100 which they probably expected I would save, But I splurged it on a pair of shoes with matching handbag from Simpsons of Piccadilly and a Wallis copy of an Ungaro coat from the Paris collections. So you can see what kind of person I am. i wonder what that £100 would be worth 52 years later.