Listening more than talking

I made a New Year resolution to try and talk less and listen more, but I find it very hard. I always want to jump in with my own anecdote or offer advice when people just want to talk. Maybe they live alone and you are the first person they have spoken to that day.

Newquay Oh I’m so glad I’m not the only one! I’m quite happy to listen and ask questions to show interest, but as soon as I manage to get a word in to give them my news, the person whom I have been listening to for half an hour, looks over my shoulder with a glazed expression whilst I’m talking, and then when I’ve finished, carries on talking as if I haven’t said anything!

This happens to me too, I listen too much.

I once read somewhere, that if you go away learning not much about what has happened in the life of the person you just talked with it means you talked too much and didn’t listen. Maybe we are just good listeners ?

Just before lock down a friend contacted me to arrange a walk with dogs. I think we walked about 3 or 4 miles over a couple of hours with her barely drawing breath as she went into enormous detail about her new damp proof in a house she had recently bought! I think I manged "hello" and "goodbye" and came away feeling really miffed.

People are either radiators or drains I’ve been told!

@Bakingmad0203 Yes this is incredibly annoying isn't it. I'm glad you started this thread @Newquay; it is good to know that I'm not on my own too! I think there is a big difference between listening and just waiting till I can talk. Many years ago I learnt about 'active listening' and have used it ever since, with my daughters, with friends and acquaintances. It lets people feel 'heard' and I love it when it helps someone. BUT very rarely does anyone listen to me in that way! They are so ready to get in what happened to them, what I SHOULD do or dismissing my hurt. One ex-boyfriend used to say he was a good listener. What he in fact did was sit there until there was a gap and then starting talking about something completely different, usually what he had been talking about before.

Cid24, never heard that before. Thank you. Feel there must be a middle route. Working on it!

I've always believed that God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we listen twice as much as we talk.

I'm usually on the listening end of conversations too.
A couple of exceptions - 2 people asked me recently about our past life and I opened up. then they each said "you should write a book!"
I can't think of anything worse - putting on public view our private lives. That's why I usually try to avoid putting personal stuff on here.

I've lost count of the times I've muttered to myself when someone has left, after chewing my ear off - "I'm fine thank you, nice of you to ask! Oh no, you didn't did you?" Wish I was brave enough to say it out loud!

Yes I have a few selected friends that do this. To be honest it puts me off making plans to meet up with them as it’s not enjoyable. I feel totally drained afterwards, I don’t mind if it’s on the odd occasion if something has happened, but on every meet up it’s become a bore. So I’ve choose this year to not make the effort with people that don’t make the effort with me. So far I’ve not heard from 2 of these so called friends since January.
After all flowers die if not watered so will friendships.

I seem to be the one who always phones friends and relatives. Only one ever rings me. Does every one assume I am OK? I often think that if my husband wasn't here ,If I needed help or was dead no one would know for maybe a week as we have no near neighbours and we socialise once a week.

I avoid my next door neighbour like the plague! She can talk for England- all about how wonderful her family are to her (only ever see the youngest son who only lives around the corner).
When she does catch me all she talks about is how annoying the neighbours the other side are ( they are really nice), how often my cats go through her garden - yes they are cats!!! They use our garden for their digging.
How the noise from children playing in garden next door upsets her. They are not very noisy but they are having FUN in THEIR garden.
I'm sure when she talks to them she moans about me- not that I care.
It must be an awful life when all you can talk about is things you think are wrong or annoy you so I suppose I should feel sorry for her but she is not helping herself.

I was once told that one of the greatest gifts you can give anyone is to really listen to them. Having been to a few counselling sessions I have to say it is an amazing experience to be able to talk and be really listened to. Animals are great listeners - maybe thats why they are such good companions! They also seem to understand when you are upset and give so much back in unconditional love. The human race has a lot to learn from them!!

Me too Willow quite often.

My close friend and I seem to attract people who tell us every detail of their lives and of their families. We put it down to the fact that we were both mental health nurses and are good listeners. We make a point of giving each other time to speak when we meet.

I think I am on the autism spectrum and I know I bang on sometimes but now I actually make myself stop. With me, it’s feeling socially awkward and I hate silence in conversation so it makes me talk too much. So I consciously let the other person talk for the same time I have spoken myself, roughly. If I can do this then why don’t other people? It’s quite rude to hog a conversation.

My family seldom ask me about my family or my life. They do however, tell me every aspect of theirs. I have to listen to every detail of their holidays, cruises, ailments, illnesses, their children's/grandchildren's/achievements which I do with interest by the way. However, I have just been made a new gran and they haven't even asked my how the new baby is.

I must be a "listener" too. A younger friend came on Friday and was telling me all about her problems with a new boyfriend for about 2 hours. At the end she said, "have you ever thought about being a psychologist or a counseller?" I said twice recently have been asked the same question. A close relative speaks for ages on the phone but never asks anything about my family. I don't discuss my problems with anyone really. Maybe I need to open up more!

I met up with a group of friends before lockdown. One person hogged the conversation. We heard about all her family, all her trips abroad, bil's problems. After 2 hours when we were leaving I realised that nobody else had spoken about themselves at all.

polnan my heart goes out to you, I’m widowed and have felt exactly the same. I do hope things improve for you when this situation eases, as it must, and you can get out and about.
I have a “It’s all about me” friend who I think was spoilt as a child and another who is very good company, endless talk, but very opinionated. People like this can be very tiring but no one is perfect.
My best conversations are with my sister, we are so close and our chats are like a good game of tennis. Some people don’t realise a conversation should be balanced.
Having said that, I have a tendency to interrupt when enthusiastic about something, so I need to watch that...

This all reminds me of something I read ages ago. A husband returns home late at night and tells his wife he has had a wonderful night with a great guy he met at the dinner. She asks him his name, what he did, where did he come from etc etc. He shamefacedly replies he has no idea and knows nothing about him. Of course, he had spent the whole night talking about himself?

Self centered I think's the word.
I know a few of those. too.

I wish someone was interested in ME.I live in a foreign country and people always talk about themselves, time and time again, in fact I know everything, because of the times I have heard, nobody ever seems to ask about anyone else.Maybe I am too good a listener, also I dont like to boast about things, maybe I should to get attention.( not my style)

This is why I like chatting online, I let people talk over me. Some are usually shocked when I remember things they told me years ago. Sometimes my worries or happy moments get lost in other people's. I'm OK with that honestly and my job needs a good listener. It's nice to be heard sometimes though

On the other hand, today a friend rang and we had a lovely (two-sided) chat.