I’ve been a toxic daughter in law!

Why not let her know Hetty?

Mummymoo2015, this past year has put things in perspective - and given us plenty of time to reflect on things.

My DIL is a 'prickly character' too - yet I really do love, admire and respect her. She puts up with my awkward son, after all, and she's a wonderful mother to my grandchildren.

I don't suppose she's aware of how much I like her!

I suppose it depends on how close a relationship you want with your MIL whether or not you think an apology would be in order?
Like you, I suffered from PND after the births of both my children and have suffered from anxiety and at times, severe depression ever since. My husband and I were only 18 when we met and have been together for nearly 46 years, married for 37! Our children are now grown up! My MIL passed away in 2002, but when she was alive, I kept my distance from her, as I had very little in common with her and didn't much like her - the feeling was mutual! My husband had been close to her before we met, but his relationship with me soon changed that forever! We took the children to visit her, but apart from that, contact with her was minimal. My MIL upset me over the years on several occasions, and I let rip, but I am not in the least sorry - she deserved it! I am an only child and lost both my parents to cancer at an early age. I didn't have a good relationship with my dad, who was a mysoginist and a bully, but I was always close to my mum. However, my mum also suffered from anxiety and depression, so I chose not to discuss my own health issues with her. I always was a very independent person - I had to be!
It's good that you have managed to step back and take a look at yourself and your behaviour. That's something I myself have done in the years since I retired and since my daughter left home! Like you, I haven't always been the nicest of people, but certainly not the worst, although there have been some very bad times! However, unlike you, I don't have either my own parents or my in laws here now - they are all dead and gone!
If you would welcome the chance to improve your relationship with your MIL and you think an apology might help, then I would go ahead with it! A letter would probably be more acceptable to your MIL, and she would have time to read over its contents at her leisure! Apologising face-to-face would probably be embarrassing for her! Before you go ahead, I would discuss your plans with your husband and get his viewpoint. Good luck!

don't go overboard with splurging your own wish for forgiveness.
don't impose on her, in order to make you feel better.
she is an individual, and it sounds as if she would find that kind of baring of souls embarrassing.
you can just start right now, send her a friendly email, perhaps with a jacquie lawson ecard or similar, to shew appreciation.
much of the pain and difficulties among families are due to egotism; so don't fall into the mistake of making this new approach all about you, how you feel, what you did, your feelings etc.
i'm not meaning to imply that you would, but it is a common error.
just begin from now, and continue in the way you wish to go on. good luck.

Write her a heart felt note and promise that you will try harder from this day forward. You are so brave to be able to do this. You sound like a good person.

At first I thought it was MY ex Toxic daughter in law posting ?then I realised NOT as this person SAW her FAULTS

Hi first time making a post but after spending a lengthy phone call with DIL which left me extremely upset today (unknown to her fortunately ) wish I could have a daughter in law that would reach out to me. But unfortunately she is a very competitive
Person and loves to rattle my cage ie by telling me the children have had a sleepover with her mum recently who lives close by we live 3 hours drive away every other word was my mum my mum even though I had said how at times it was difficult for me. Not the first time this has happened a lot of history a lot of emotion trying to stay strong son is basically bossed around by her (how I see it). I am sure ultimately she wants to push our family out ! COVID not helping because it gives her the excuse of not spending time with us. Although this has never been a problem in the past grandchild 7 years old plus a younger child . Visits
Have been frequent and an effort has been made I dunno so confused life used to be so straightforward !

I dont have enough details to say OP was toxic.
Being toxic and going to a rough patch are two different things.
OP,
How did you reach the conclusion that you were toxic? Has anybody mentioned that word to you?

My DIL would never find it within herself to admit she has ever been in the wrong. I have a suspicion she is on the autistic spectrum and she refuses to see what's in front of her face. Shame she is with my narcissist son, he leads her a dogs life but she sadly thinks this is 'normal'.

Having lost my mother in law 2 weeks ago - not Covid. It would be nice for you to talk freely and May be start afresh with your friendship. Yes, post her a nice card with some nice words written in it. Time is a great healer.

I would send some flowers and a card with a few lines inside, wouldn’t go overboard, I’m sure she would be delighted, nobody’s perfect, great idea mummymoo

Go forward. If she's not the sort of person who likes that sort of conversation you'd not be showing the respect for her you want to convey by forcing her to hear or read it.

To true. I hope all their sons leave home and marry toxic women!!!!!

I am a MIL with 2 toxic DIL. I would suggest you start by being appreciative of her, call her more often then eventually show here the message you written on here. It is never to late and I am she will really appreciate it.
My relationship with both DIL appeared good until they got pregnant and they then became all powerful and we were not needed and only required when they needed money.
One of them I am getting on better with as her relationship with my son has got much better so she is much happier.
The youngest son's fiancee is now pregnant and she says she can say what she wants to me, so we have fallen out as I will not be spoken to disrespectually.
My middle son I did not see for 10 years due to his toxic wife. She threw him out 6 months ago and he now lives with us. He is battling with her over their 2 children 2 and 5 whom we only met recently. We now see them every Sunday for 5 1/2 hours.
So please anyone reading this, please be kind to each other especially your families as you do not realise how much heat ache you may be inadvertantly causing.
I loved my 3 sons with all my heart but I am so disapointed in them all for the way they have allowed their partners to treat us.

Sent her a lovely bouquet at Mother's Day and when we are able to see one another again, book a wee afternoon tea just for you both and have a chat about it all and explain how you are feeling.

I wonder if Mummymoo would consider putting something about this on Mumsnet? She is brave and clear sighted and it might help both DILs and MILs - she could relay some of the helpful resposes in this thread. It might lead to other families becoming happier. I do congratulate Mummymoo for her being so open and ready to make amends - what a brilliant example!

Any apologising however hard has to be done face to face. However if your MIL hasn’t got the emotional language to deal with a sort of confrontation, it’s difficult.
My MIL was brought up in a hall with servants and none was going to be good enough for her son. She didn’t behave well. Telling me that she didn’t want her son to marry me and asked me on our engagement “ couldn’t I find someone else” Pretty stupid stuff really.
However, I do have some slight sympathy, now I am a MIL.myself.
The women who write on our counterpart Mumsnet, describing their MILs as witches...will be sorry. They think they know all about the experience of being a MIL, when they have not been in a MILs shoes.

You recognise you have faults don't
we all, and your MiL has borne the brunt at times. If you give an apology are you sure you can live up to it, maintain it. You may put yourself under a lot of pressure, questioning everything you do or say in regard to MiL. I'd not make any kind if formal apology, send some flowers to say you and family are looking forward to having normal times with her and FiL soon. Then, progress to a better relationship.

Send her some flowers with a lovely card and a simple explanation. Don't forget to tell her that things will be much better in the future. Good luck and good on you for recognising what needs to be put right.

I had a very difficult dil and she bulled me. She only did it when we were on our own. I told my husband that was the last time l ever wanted to be in her company. But Six months later my Son and Dil parted. After Seven years they got divorced. When they parted my son fly to Ireland every two weeks to see his beloved son. It was heart breaking but has a wonderful close bond with him. Going forward my ex dil died last Year. Heartbreaking in the lockdown . But since then l have heard from her friends saying she treated me very bad. I keep in there for my the sake of my granson and my son.He now has got his son living with and supporting him though this very sad time. I feel so very sad what's happen to her. And after she passed away l had a wonderful present and card from her. My Birthday days after. So all l can say if you have treated someone badly please do it before it's to late.

May I ask what your ILs did or didnt do when you were going through a rough patch? Why do you say their hearts were in the right place?

The ins and outs of who did what, to whom and when are irrelevant imo. OP has, after some reflection, recognised her part in the relationship and if she is able to acknowledge that her in laws were of good intentions, we shouldn't pry for further details unless this is volunteered. Mummymoo, you sound a though you're in a good place right now and you also have the best of intentions for building a better relationship from the future. So many lovely suggestions already so far and I'm sure whichever you choose, it will be much appreciated and welcomed by your in laws.

Me too!

PLEASE either write or phone her and apologize to her. It will mean so much. Just to make you feel better, even though I'm 72 now, I wasn't overly nice to my mother in law, and she only meant the best for us. Silly immature things like she'd say my husband liked his sandwiches cut into triangles, so in front of her I cut them into halves. Think it was a control thing. She will really appreciate an apology, and you really are not the only daughter in law who's not been overly welcoming to her MIL. It's so different with son in laws. xx

Hi there
What a truly lovely thing u r about to do.I feel face to face would be perfect.You will be able to look your MIL in the eye and show emotion and I'm sure you will make a connection.
Could you please tell us how you get on ?♡

I have 3 DIL's and have varying degrees of a successful relationship with all of them. On occasions, when things have been difficult with circumstances which have made them a little more sensitive and me a little more clumsy, I have always written to them with an apology. It has always been appreciated and we have managed to overcome those awkward moments.
One of my DIL's is ASD (recently diagnosed) and although she didn't apologise, she did explain to me why she sometimes behaved as she did; the refusing to join in, not wanting us to visit, etc. It did make up for a lot of the rejection we had felt hurt by.
I would send a little note with flowers telling her that you understand your anxiety is sometimes hard to deal with but you really appreciate what a lovely MIL you have. Then just try to do better but accept that it might be a long journey to make it completely better between you.
My daughter suffers from anxiety and sometimes it overwhelms her, colouring her behaviour to us. What will happens if that occurs with you again? Realistically you can't promise change forever but it might help to give pointers of how to react in those circumstances. Also, how are you going to ensure that you manage your anxiety in the future? There is help available, you don't have to live with it.