How often do you see grandkids?

In normal times, two or three times a year. They are 200 miles away and they have to come to me. I am not mobile enough to go to them. It seems fine to me. I didn’t see my own grandparents as often as that. My own children saw my parents about once a week (they lived close - 14 miles) but their paternal grandparents only rarely, as they lived in Australia.

I agree that 5 times a week is too often. As your MIL sounds like a well meaning person maybe you should gradually change the situation so she will hardly notice. Perhaps you could combine your errands and food shopping etc by asking her to accompany you on occasions. It would be helpful to have another pair of hands and you will have combined chores with seeing her.

One of my daughters and her family lives locally. We love each other to bits and see each other every week in church. I've always babysat for them and was there a few hours after each of the 3 grandchildren were born. I've also looked after her and the children when she was nauseous during pregnancy or ill. She is there for me on the odd occasion it's been necessary. We ask each other over occasionally and take each other out once a month (pre covid) but I don't want to be an interfering, needy mother or drive my lovely son in law mad by dropping in all the time. I take the grandchildren out individually and they come here for sleep overs every holiday. This works for us! The grandchildren love their 'gran days' and their sleepovers and because it's not every week, they see it as special. Hope that helps!

If you’ve housework to do or just want a little peace why can’t you ask your MIL to take your child out or have at her house rather than come to yours. Being a granny myself nothing like have grandkids to yourself and be able to spoil them without the disapproving looks from their mother.
Granny’s like doing baking sessions etc, so give yourself a break and let your mil have a bit of fun. Maybe sort out regular play dates, then you both can organise your lives satisfactorily without any feeling of resentment. Set rules about meals times, treats etc

Well I’m moving closer to my youngest son and his wife. They have my grandson and she also as a boy from previous marriage. I’ve said I won’t mind having my grandson for a day a week or if they stuck. Don’t matter if I’m doing something or not. I’m nanna not a nanny. Her mum as them all the time. I’ve witnessed her not getting much say in it. I even said in front of them. You can say no you know and her response is it’s fine. you can see it’s not. I’ve said to them they reply is if she doesn’t her or the dad would say. But if they doesn’t speak up there got no one to blame but themselves. I’ve also got two other granddaughters but one I see when I can as she’s few hundred miles away. But her sister I’m hoping to meet in may she was born in nov and only seen her on videos. So my advice would be say sorry son I love you but I can’t have her all the time. How about we make it say one day and night a week and maybe one afternoon she comes for few hours while you have some me time. When I visit my granddaughter I generally babysit so they get a date night.

I helped with GC three days a week for two years then stopped as I had another GC. I wanted to spend time with her to be fair. Obviously covid has dictated any visiting but I dropped shopping off once a week. Since relaxation of rules we have sat in the garden once a week at both my DC homes. But once normality returns will probably visit twice a week.
Why don't you suggest meeting your MIL somewhere for shopping or coffee. That way you can decide the time you spend with her. I think you are fortunate to have an attentive MIL my daughter never sees hers which is a shame.

You are most certainly not being unreasonable. It sounds to me as if she needs to get herself a life. Love our GC and their parents to bits. They all live locally so we are fortunate to see them often, as and when. Would never dream of dropping in uninvited. They have their own lives, just as we have ours. Set some boundaries.

We never drop in on our children/grandchildren without telephoning first to see if it would be convenient. I have viewed all of my grandchildren as walking petri dishes since lock-down began last year. We had a long weekend with them all last September when it was allowed and we stuck strictly to the group of six rules, spread over two cottages. So I last saw my grandchildren, two of them on Christmas Day where we waved to them from the car and the other two last September. I love them all to pieces, they are all either in early to mid -teens and the youngest one will be 11 next month. They are certainly not at an age where we would expect them to be over-bothered about their grandparents. They are all lovely polite children, but they do have their own lives and interests, which I think is perfectly healthy.

I see my only grandson about once a week. I'd love to see him more but they are incredibly busy and I'd be intruding. We used to just turn up but it caused trouble. We are country people with an open door policy but shes from another culture that doesn't do things the same. You do need to set some boundaries and bring your husband on board to reinforce them gently.

Justva suggestion.. If MIL is that keen to see little one can she not take them for a walk or have them at hers so you can have some 'me' time? My own mum never understood the importance of me just having time to myself and thought I was selfish. I don't have any grandchildren but look after others so the mums can have some much needed time out to do whatever they want without judgement.

you are being very reasonable. Mil just needs reminding that it is your life and your child = in a kind way. Have a think about your routine and find some time when mil can see or have GC for an hour or so - this would give you a bit of time. Things will change when they start nursery or school and if you decide to work. Also mil might be trying to cope with all the free time she has - there might be things she could do or groups she could join.

Liljan

Yes, 5 times a week is excessive, would it be possible for the grandmother to take your daughter one whole day a week, that way you all get the best of both worlds, grandmother has monopoly on granddaughter for the day and you have a day to yourself. Putting structured routine in place would allow everyone to know where they stand and may just curb all the visits.

I was just about to post the same Liljan. Our DD lives 150 miles away but prior to Covid every 3 or 4 months we would stay at a local B&B and sometimes take the children out for a day while DD had time to herself. In between our DD would come and stay with us and also take advantage of being able to go off shopping be herself if she wanted to.

MIL like it or not is usually different to your own mum. My daughter and I are exceptionally close and I see her and the gc’s one/two days a week max. We all have our own lives and neither of us would arrive unannounced even if we knew we would be welcomed. Just make it clear very gently that although you love to see her you have lots of other things going on too. When my children were little in laws help was extremely valuable and appreciated but I couldn’t have dealt with it every day!

I see my DGS every week atm as I provide childcare for 2 days a week. My daughter is having her second baby and once she’s on maternity leave my contact will drop considerably and I’ll probably visit once every couple of weeks. She wants space with her children and tbh as much as I love looking after my grandson I’m ready for a bit more freedom in my days too. Five times a week seems very excessive to me.

I have only ever seen my grandsons when I had rung in advance and arranged it. If I did just "drop in", it was usually to take something round for one of them. When they were young I usually saw them at the weekends and often had them overnight so their mums had a break. Make a point of saying to your mother in law that perhaps she could ring to see if it convenient to come round.

You are very lucky to have a MIL who wants to visit so frequently. Mine has always disliked me (because I used to live on a council estate) - and my husband (her son!) - so won't visit unless we make impossible for her not to. For example, we held a party two years ago and invited lots of our friends, and their parents, from her home town, so it would have been awkward if she hadn't come. It was hilarious when our neighbours said they hadn't realised my husband's mother was still alive!
Having said that, visiting five times a week, if it's not for childcare, is excessive. If you feel awkward about saying something, could your husband have a quiet word with her?
Is she lonely? It would be good if the reason for all these visits could be explored.
Good luck.

I had the same problem albeit many years ago we ended up with my son spending one day with his grand mother which gave me a day to shop clean etc and her time with her grandson then I would maybe arrange to go the park or shopping with her another day but she did not come to the house another than weekends when my husband was there. You may also need to try and meet other mums get into a routine of taking you son swimming or to a play area on fixed days of a week so you are unavailable for her to pop round. Good luck I know its hard trying to keep everyone happy.

Why cant they visit you and look after your daughter so you can get some jobs done or they could take her for a walk in the pram. My parents used to have our son on a Friday afternoon then overnight and my Dad would bring him home on Saturday lunchtime. What a luxury it was and they adored their grandson.

All visits should happen when her son (your dh) is there present to host her and visits have been coordinated by him too

Do you make these "rules" up as you go along or are they published in the How To Create Conflict In Families Rule Book #1?

Abbie your MIL sounds well meaning but visiting anybody 5 times a week is too much, whether they're family or friends! Talk to you MIL, work out what day or days suits you best and be firm but kind. MIL/DIL interactions really don't have to become a source of conflict and resentment so long as you communicate with each other and respect each other's privacy.

Yes, 5 times a week is excessive, would it be possible for the grandmother to take your daughter one whole day a week, that way you all get the best of both worlds, grandmother has monopoly on granddaughter for the day and you have a day to yourself. Putting structured routine in place would allow everyone to know where they stand and may just curb all the visits.

Septimia - I can’t recommend doing the same day etc every week as it could easily become an obligation. It’s better to mix it up a bit in my opinion.

Gannygangan

I've never popped in on my grandchildren unannounced. I have 2 grandchildren 5 minutes away. But no visits unless asked.

As for 5 days a week?

If my mother in law had done that I'd have moved and not told her where I was

My feelings exactly! It would have driven me mad too!

I have grandchildren a mile or two away.
I would never just drop in and certainly don’t feel entitled...

We had our family and now it is my adult children’s turn to enjoy this precious time.
When they share their family with us (and they regularly do) it is a pleasure and a privilege.

Now our son and family live near us we see the little ones weekends when son is not working.
We generally go out with the eldest boy of 5 walking and play in the garden with the younger boy when he get up from his nap.
Everyone is different but we would always ask if it is convenient to call up and DIL asks if we can go up to there's so she can get something done.
If there are times when it is better for you, just tell MIL I'm sure she will be amenable. If she is wanting to come up on a day that doesn't suit, just say next Sat works out better for me.

Twice a year only for a long weekend but haven’t met up for nearly 9 months.

Also, when the grandparents only express interest in seeing the child, how do you think it makes the parents of the child feel?