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Need advice about MIL & new baby

(27 Posts)
Lesim91 Sun 21-Jul-19 05:40:54

Hi,

I need some advice. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and my MILs behaviour is really stressing me out and causing myself and my husband a lot of anxiety.

My MIL has always commented that she doesn't see us enough (we see her once a month or more) my husband works weekend shifts and we do not live in the same area as any of our families and many of our friends, so we always have to plan visits/juggle time.

Anyway, over the last few weeks MIL has said to my husband that we are purposely freezing her out of our lives and that she'll never see her grandson (he's not even here yet) she constantly accuses us of spending more time with my family which isn't the case and it feels like she's already keeping tally.

Myself and my husband decided together that we didn't want any visitors after the birth, just for a few days. This is because I'm very anxious about the actual labor (first child) and I'm also a very shy person and don't like the idea of having to see anyone except my husband when I'm feeling so vulnerable. To be clear, both sets of grandparents will have to respect these boundaries as I felt that having my own mum there would cause even more issues.

MIL reacted badly to this and shouted at my husband down the phone. She said I'm selfish and stupid.

Guess my question is am I the one being unreasonable? If I had a different kind of relationship with her things might be different but I've always felt uncomfortable around her as she's quite manipulative when she doesn't get her own way and is very overpowering. My husband agrees with me on this and feels the same way as I do. But I still feel bad about him being stuck in the middle.

Sorry for the long post, just feeling hurt by it all.

Liz46 Sun 21-Jul-19 06:17:36

I think you have to politely stand your ground. My daughter gave me precise instructions of when I could visit etc. and I obeyed them. It's good that your husband agrees with you and I think it is best if he is the one to deal with her.

It was totally out of order for her to call you selfish and stupid. Please do not be bullied.

This should be a happy time for you both so don't allow her to spoil it.

BlueBelle Sun 21-Jul-19 07:10:52

Stick at what’s comfortable for you I don’t understand this modern idea that all the world and it’s wife have to be present within secs of the baby being born
You have been very fair making the same rule for both sets of parents stick with it and GOOD LUCK with the new baby

crystaltipps Sun 21-Jul-19 07:36:23

Your baby , your rules. Tell her and your mum that you will let them know when you are ready for visitors. You never know, you might feel so proud and exhilarated you can’t wait to show him off, on the either hand, you might just feel the need to bond privately and recover . Your choice.

Sara65 Sun 21-Jul-19 07:47:20

Back in the day, when my eldest two were born by C section, you weren’t allowed visitors, apart from your husband, for four days, not even siblings, when the second was born, my husband had to stand in the road outside with our daughter, so I could wave!

It was actually a lovely peaceful time, gives you a chance to draw breath, if that what you want, stick to your guns, it’s not your mother in laws baby, you need to make that clear, or actually your husband does

Loislovesstewie Sun 21-Jul-19 07:59:05

You have every right to want some peace and quiet after you have given birth. I understand that other relatives may feel excited about the new baby but they have to respect your wishes. your husband agrees with you so at least you can ask him to stand firm and hold them at bay . By the way , if she is manipulative you really need to start as you mean to go on , so I doubly agree with you( if that makes sense!). Wishing you all the best.

travelsafar Sun 21-Jul-19 08:02:45

I agree with Bluebelle the baby is going to be there for ever so what is the hurry.

Give the poor tired parents a chance to catch their breath and enjoy their special moment with their newborn child.

Bordersgirl57 Sun 21-Jul-19 08:27:38

I'm sorry you're facing this at a time when everything should be loving and supportive and all about you, your husband and the baby.

New grandparents are understandably excited but you are right to want to say how it is to be. If you can find a way to set it out in a positive light that might help. It sounds like you might have to be quite specific, ie "we are going to see how I and the baby are and then the dad will contact GP when we are ready for visitors. You are welcome to come when invited and we look forward to seeing you. etc. After that perhaps you could say - we will try and see you once a month, I know it doesn't seem a lot but we are new to parenting and want to take our time and get it right."

If you can get to a point eventually where you can leave the baby with her for an hour so she can have some precious time - take the baby for a walk etc, she would really appreciate that I'm sure. However if she is as manipulative as you suggest then you may have to keep her at arms length.

I wish you well, enjoy your little one - they are tiny for such a short time and you will treasure those days. Good luck.

TerriBull Sun 21-Jul-19 08:51:20

You are completely justified to feel as you do, I think it's a good idea just to be a family unit of 3 for a while, particularly for the first few days. I remember having people at the hospital and then at home, I could have done without it especially the latter, when you have to lay on tea etc. and are up and down when you least feel like it. Your mil sounds paranoid and unless you give into her every demand she'll stay that way, but point out that you are asking the same of your parents.

Good luck and hope everything goes smoothly for you.

Joyfulnanna Sun 21-Jul-19 08:54:43

Completely understandable to be anxious.. Im sure you'll be fine. I would take this opportunity to write your mum in law a letter explaining what you want to happen. It's part of yours and DH birth plan after all. She will understand. You want your gc to have a good relationship with his/her gp right? Get off to a good start by communicating well. Don't be like so many other mums who just love an excuse to go n/c when it suits them. Think of your new little family and try to make it happy.

wildswan16 Sun 21-Jul-19 08:56:49

Stick to whatever arrangements suit you best. Maybe give the grandparents a specific day when you will be happy to see them and make it special and welcoming for them. (Probably best to have two separate days!). Just keep repeating you want the first week for yourselves but if they could come on "x" day that would be lovely.

Don't get stressed out by MIL or anyone else. Just sigh and move on.

Nannarose Sun 21-Jul-19 09:02:26

Another vote here for sticking to your rules. I'm not clear whether you don't want you own mum because of your MiL's attitude, or you don't want her anyway.
You decide. You are entitled to what makes you feel comfortable and happy so that your baby can have the very best of you. I am glad that you feel your husband is the right person to be with you - it is also his job to manage visitors.
I am a MiL, and I have no problem at all in my DiLs seeing their own mothers first.
I wish you luck

Joyfulnanna Sun 21-Jul-19 09:25:13

I echo Nannarose and wildswan's posts. At least she's not insisting at being at the birth like my mil (and her friends) said they would. I was so horrified at the thought of that, I told my DH that if they persisted, I would lock myself in the bathroom and have the baby there (lol!)

ninathenana Sun 21-Jul-19 09:32:35

I agree with everyone else and it's great you and your husband are together on this.
If she is so desperate to see her grandson when he arrives, then send her photos via a phone
. I know I'm not alone in not seeing my grandchildren within 24 hrs of birth or even a week in the case of GS1 due to their location.

M0nica Sun 21-Jul-19 09:38:19

I think you are absolutely right in all you are doing. This child is yours and your husbands, it does not belong to your MiL, (or your mother) and she has no right to demand any any access to your child that you do not wish to give.

Some grandparents seem to think that any child of their child, is their child also and they should be treated as surrogate parents. They are wrong.

So stick to your guns, do things the way you want and your husband's mother will have to get used to it. Once she realises that you are not going to withold contact with her grandchild, she should probably settle down and be a model grandmother.

Luckygirl Sun 21-Jul-19 10:31:53

I am pleased that you and your OH feel the same about this.

I can never understand people nagging their AC about not seeing them often enough - the end result of this is that when they do see them there is a stressful atmosphere.

Maker your own rules about the baby - best to be clear right now, or you could be facing a long-term battle! I am sorry that this nonsense is impinging on this happy time; and wish you all the best for the birth of your baby.

midgey Sun 21-Jul-19 10:37:43

I don’t understand the need for grandparents to be so involved always. You spend your time bringing up your children to be independent and when they are some complain! It is lovely to be involved but it is up to AC to invite that involvement.

Lesim91 Sun 21-Jul-19 10:59:57

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this one, it's great to hear the views of other grandparents.

My husband explained the reasons for us not wanting visitors straight away (he ended up hanging up the conversation as she's was just shouting) I have also sent a polite message to her explaining how I feel about needing privacy. We have said on numerous occasions that when we are ready for visitors, grandparents will be the first ones and of course we'll send them photos once he is here. She still maintains that she'll be one of the last to see him and says that we'll invite everyone else before her. I have had no response to my message and she is currently giving me the silent treatment. It's her birthday today and the rest of the family are going round for dinner this evening. I have encouraged my husband to go and drop off a birthday present for her but I won't be going as I just feel too uncomfortable around her when she still hasn't acknowledged the hurt she's caused.

Somebody asked whether I wanted my own mother there. The answer to that is whilst I would, MILs reaction to it would cause even more stress so I thought it would keep the peace if we did the same rules for both sad

glammanana Sun 21-Jul-19 11:18:42

Lesim91,You shouldn't be having to worry about this at 38 weeks you should be able to relax and enjoy the last couple of weeks before giving birth I presume this is her first GC ?
You are the parents and you need to set the scene for the future or you may have problems in the future.
If you want your own mum to be at the birth you go ahead and switch off from any upset from your MILI didn't want to be with my DD when she gave birth but she needed her mum during the last couple of hours and you may feel the same sweetie.
I think a good 4/5 days with your OH and new baby before the onslaught of visitors it will give you time to relax and get yourself together.Enjoy your baby and remember to stick to your guns.

M0nica Sun 21-Jul-19 12:09:49

I would just ignore her and her silly rants and silent treatment. At least you are learning how a three year old behaves, before your baby son reaches that age.

As you might guess, I have no time for prima donna grandparents.

quizqueen Sun 21-Jul-19 12:27:12

It is usual for daughters to want their own mothers around after giving birth so please don't exclude yours. No one has to tell your MIL who has visited but, anyway, it will be your decision. It's great your husband is on the same side so you can stand together on this. He can inform his mother that, unless she changes her attitude, chances are that she will not be seeing her grandchild that often because of her poor attitude!

Liz46 Sun 21-Jul-19 12:37:58

I agree with quizqueen. I didn't expect my daughter to invite me to the hospital immediately after our granddaughter was born but she did and my OH and I both instantly fell in love with the little one.

BrandyButter Sun 21-Jul-19 12:57:48

It has been explained clearly to your MIL. No more stressful explanations are necessary. You make your decisions based of what you and hubby feel is fair and then stick to them. She has her own choice of either also being a fair person who respects your needs and choices or she can be a selfish crow and stamp and spit. DH just needs repeat that you are intending to be the best possible mother you can and as such will be looking after your own health and well-being (which means lots of rest and peaceful time) so you can accomplish this, full stop no further defending your choices or actions.

crazyH Sun 21-Jul-19 13:10:58

Oh my word - what a m.i.l....needy and demanding. There were some teething (sorry about the pun) problems in the early days with one particular d.i.l., actually no, it wasn't so much with my d.i.l. but my cantankerous son. I never invite myself to their houses. When they are free or have time they ask me over. Ofcourse, I know that their mothers have full rein, but it doesn't bother me. I am too old to care .
It's your baby, your family....you decide when you want to have visitors. You have no time-freedom with a new baby. So it's your call . All the best !!

janeainsworth Sun 21-Jul-19 13:24:06

You’ve had lots of good advice Lesim, I just want to add my good wishes for a safe and speedy delivery for you and your little one flowers
You’re doing everything right - sadly some people are manipulative and there’s only one way to deal with them - don’t give in to their emotional blackmail.
Do let us know when your little one is here smile