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Feeling overwhelmed

(78 Posts)
Narnia Sat 17-Oct-20 13:13:05

Im currently trying to bouy up and support my dd who is returning to work next week after 8 months mat leave.
I'm having the baby 3 days and her partners family 1 (which she's not happy with at all, but can't be resolved)
Baby has a a few health issues, plus lockdown and this new way of living has impacted mat leave for them.
I see her prob 4 days a week at the mo, try to get into a routine with the baby etc but also because we enjoy spending time together!
She's struggling so much with the thought of being back in work, she's still breastfeeding too.
She's crying most days that I'm with her which just breaks my heart and makes me feel guilty that I will have the baby when I think it should be her as that's what she desperately wants.
We have a week now before she returns and I'm absolutely feeling sick at the thought.
She can't afford to not work, she's dropped one day.
I've actually dropped lots of hours at work so I can do the childcare and save them nursery fees so I'm not in a position to help financially, I wish I was sad
Her partner isn't the most supportive either either emotionally or childcare wise so my dd and the baby have a very strong bond.
I suppose my question is any suggestions to help get her thru this tough period?
I've bought a few little tokens to give to her, but now I'm thinking is this the right thing or will it make her worse hmm
She's having thoughts that someone is going to take the baby from her or that something is going to happen to him. I realise that this is her anxiety.

Illte Sat 17-Oct-20 13:19:33

Why didn't you keep doing your hours and support her financially to stay at home.

Dropping your income so you can look after the baby while she has to leave him to earn money seems a bit the wrong way round to me.

M0nica Sat 17-Oct-20 13:27:54

The last sentence of your post is worrying. Is she suffering from depression? From your post I can see no reason why should have these fears of the child being taken away or any harm coming to him

I think she urgently needs to see her health visitor or other professional with experience of post-natal depression and possibly needs councilling. Help should be sought before these fears get worse. I think this is the cause of her problems.

Lolo81 Sat 17-Oct-20 13:37:25

I was in the same position as your DD, had to go back to work after only 11 weeks and I was distraught at the thought of it even though, like you my awesome mum was caring for my child. What helped me was getting wee messages throughout the day updating me on how he was. And I know it’s a cliche, but time to settle into the new routine was what finally did it. I had the same sorts of anxiety - thought all sorts of crazy things about how the worst would happen if I wasn’t there to protect him, my mum just reassured me and encouraged me to face it one day at a time. The first two weeks were awful (I was pumping during breaks at work and my hormones were all over the place), but it does get easier I promise. My mum emphasised to me how much of a good role model I was being and teaching my kids the value of hard work as well as encouraging them to be independent and feel safe in their extended family bubble.
I hope some of the things my mum said to comfort me may help you support your daughter. All the best x

Narnia Sat 17-Oct-20 13:42:19

Lolo81
Thankyou so much, this is exactly our situation. She's also going to be pumping at work too (grudgingly arranged by work)
The baby has multiple allergies which is why she's continued to feed.
I know from my experience that it will get easier, never easy but better.
Thankyou xx

Narnia Sat 17-Oct-20 13:44:12

I didn't earn a great deal anyway. I worked 2 full days, so I now only do half days.
So yes if I could have supported her to stay at home I 100%would have!

Toadinthehole Sat 17-Oct-20 13:57:54

I would echo the first response. Could you not have kept working, and supported her to stay at home? I wouldn’t necessarily jump to the conclusion she has depression, although it’s worth keeping an eye on. She’s had a baby, and now has to leave him to go to work. Anyone would struggle with that if they’re normal. My DIL did. She said she burst into tears on the bus, on her first time back. Your daughter also has the added problem of difficulties with the in laws, baby having health issues. I’m not surprised she’s low. I used to keep my DIL updated through the day, on how the children were doing, which helped. If you could stay at work yourself and help, that would be great, but if not, as Lola has said, one day at a time, it’ll all sort itself out. Hope you really enjoy it🥰

Toadinthehole Sat 17-Oct-20 13:58:48

Sorry Narnia crossed posts

Narnia Sat 17-Oct-20 14:05:11

Toadinthehole

Sorry Narnia crossed posts

No worries.
I prob wasn't very clear.
My role was always part time. I condensed hours into 2 full days rather than everyday as I had been doing (short hours) but covid meant I lost the full days, now I actually only do a, few hours on 2 days.
So I have lost income but I never earned enough to support my dd and myself. If that was the case that I could help then I wouldn't be letting her go back to work

EllanVannin Sat 17-Oct-20 14:18:51

What a terrible predicament all round.
I'd be looking towards visiting a GP if I were your DD as she doesn't sound ready for work yet ?

Narnia Sat 17-Oct-20 14:28:04

EllanVannin

What a terrible predicament all round.
I'd be looking towards visiting a GP if I were your DD as she doesn't sound ready for work yet ?

To be honest I feel the same, but unless she gets a sick note now it's too late to try to extend her time off and her smp has ended also.

Illte Sat 17-Oct-20 14:37:47

Ah I see. Ignore my comment. 😳

I echo lolo. Frequent 'everything's still fine' messages help a lot.

And when you hand the baby over, leave. Don't stay and hover. 😬

ayse Sat 17-Oct-20 14:55:41

My daughter had twins, breastfed them well but just couldn’t manage. I’m retired so I went to her Monday to Friday and helped with shopping, cooking, washing etc. and taking the children out everyday come rain or shine, to give her a rest. She became extremely miserable so eventually I intervened and told her to medical advice. Her best friend was also involved in persuading her to get some help. The practice gave her a low dosage prescription for fluoxetine and within a a couple of weeks her mental health improved substantially.

All this time her partner did very little to help.

You are doing a great job, never doubt it. Post natal depression (if that is the problem) is easy to treat and it could make the world of difference to you both. Unfortunately in this day and age many new Mums have no choice but to return to work because of the costs of living. Good luck to you and yours

EllanVannin Sat 17-Oct-20 15:10:44

Narnia, if there's a hint of PND with DD then now is the time it should be treated as these things can manifest themselves into something more serious, so whether or not, I'd still see a GP if I were her.

ElaineI Sat 17-Oct-20 19:47:06

My DD2 had to go back to work when her son was 7 months. She is a nurse. Her work set up a pumping room for her - the pump had to be checked by H&S and there was a fridge for the milk. It was very hard but I sent her photos throughout the day - still do and he is 2 ½. He would not drink milk from a bottle or baby cup. Took a small amount from actual cup and teaspoon and was weaning so I mixed some in with his food. Health visitor helped but the spoon was best in the end. He fed just before she went in and as soon as she came home. We froze the milk in special bags from Boots and Mothercare - she had a huge amount. Eventually he accepted the bottle so was easier but I"m talking months! Its still hard for her as now he cries when she goes - love Mummy, .... wants Mummy but is easily distracted now and is fine with us. I retired to look after him and now have him 2 days a week. He has childminder 2 days. It sounds like your daughter might benefit from speaking to her GP and health visitor though. If things are noted by the GP it could help if your daughter had to have time off at all as written down.

Sugarpufffairy Sun 18-Oct-20 09:43:06

You mentioned that DD's partner is not the most supportive person emotionally or with childcare. This could be the major problem for your DD.
As well as helping her with looking after baby perhaps you could talk to her about getting the partner more involved with her and the baby. I would also drop in that baby and DD are always welcome at your house.
I suspect that her major problem is that she does not have support from her partner and maybe even worse he may be excessively critical of her as a new mother.

Cossy Sun 18-Oct-20 09:48:35

You sound like such a lovely caring wonderful and supportive Mum and Grand Mum, your DD is so lucky to have you. It does sound like a combination of anxiety about returning to work, maybe to a job she might not enjoy much and possibly a touch of PND. Is this a first baby ? Go with her to see her GP before she returns to work and yes other great advice on here about little messages during the day and even maybe a FaceTime at lunch ?? Xx Very best of luck to both of you

Iam64 Sun 18-Oct-20 09:49:08

Narnia, it sounds as though your daughter may be suffering from post natal depression. Your comment that she fears someone may take the baby from her, or something may happen to him, plus her frequent tears are all something her health visitor should pick up at the 8 month check.
The problem is I suppose, there won't be an 8 month check. Please encourage your daughter to phone her health visitor or better yet, to make an appointment with her GP.
Im certain a sick note (or whatever they're called currently) will be issued. Probably for a week initially with a view to your daughter being reviewed a week later. Medication may be needed but I think she need the stresses around returning to work after mat leave removed.

Whatdayisit Sun 18-Oct-20 09:52:35

Hopefully this week will pass by smoothly. Maybe your dd could have a few hours to herself this week and go to the haidressers like back to school week! Maybe a chat with the health visitor would help- i always found mine invaluable with pnd and unsupportive partners. HVs have seen everything and do not judge.
I always help my dd with washing etc so she isn't coming back to piles of housework if that is possible too.
Having a supportive partner makes all the difference for working parents but when they're not we just have to get on with it.
At the moment i am just taking 1 week at a time with work and granparent duties and getting through each exhausting week. Maybe that is how you and your daughter need to work together to get through the next few months. It is not going to be easy but just keep being supportive and think about speaking to the health visitor that is what they are there for.
Also good luck to her with expressing her milk. Stick to the law work places have to allow this keep strong even if she has to express in a cupboard. Keep strong.

lindyloo1958 Sun 18-Oct-20 09:54:01

Bless her heart. She needs to speak to her doctor. I think she’s got post natal depression. She should be signed off work as going back could really escalate it. If she’s signed off fir a few months she may well feel a different person by then. I’m in a similar position with my daughter but she can work from home, so I will bring her baby to my house. This pandemic has robbed these new mums and babies from normal experiences. No wonder some are depressed. I’m truly concerned for your daughter. My heart goes out to her. Please encourage her to open her heart to her GP.

Toyoungtobeadamnedgran Sun 18-Oct-20 10:03:15

I wish you all luck in the future xx

jmsburnham Sun 18-Oct-20 10:07:29

Your daughter urgently needs professional help - she has symptoms of depression and needs to see a doctor asap. She will not be ready to return to work until this is resolved.

BBkay Sun 18-Oct-20 10:09:29

I also dropped hours while my daughter went back to work because she warns an auful lot more than me so it made sense.

TBsNana Sun 18-Oct-20 10:10:16

This is so hard Narnia. I am assuming that DD has to physically go to work and can't work from home? (COVID requirements).
Personally I think it sounds as if your daughter really isn't in a state to go back to work so maybe should see a GP and get signed off for now and use the time to really work through her options. In the longer term maybe look for different work / employer - although I appreciate that isn't easy at present.

Carobe30 Sun 18-Oct-20 10:11:25

Please take your daughter to see her GP or speak to her health visitor. It sounds like PND is escalating her fears and anxieties.
Sending hugs to you both