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Feeling a Bit Lost and alone in the world

(45 Posts)
Msida Tue 09-Feb-21 21:09:50

Hello everyone I'm back I came on here when I lost my husband in August and I was so grateful for your help and support

The reason I am back is because I feel alone in the world, I don't see anyone I have 2 children and 5 grandchildren but don't see them (nothing to do with Covid they are in my 'bubble')

They live quite close but neither bother to come visit me. When I asked my youngest son to bring the grandchildren to see me, he replied that if I wanted to see the grandchildren I would have to go and see them he wasn't bringing them 😕

I work from home and now that my husband has gone I live on my own its so very horrible and strange

I do feel totally alone in the world and don't know how to deal with that

Would so appreciate any thoughts or shared experiences

Thank you x

Mogsmaw Tue 09-Feb-21 21:38:05

Sending you love, I have no shared experience to offer, just to let you know your not alone.

Ailsa43 Tue 09-Feb-21 21:38:43

Welcome back, so sorry you're in such a rotten situation and unable to see your children or grandchildren, but please don't be lonely when you can chat with anyone here 24/7 most days

SueDonim Tue 09-Feb-21 21:41:58

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your husband, that’s very sad. flowers

Did your son bring the children over to see you prior to your husband’s death? Is this request that you go to them something new? Is there any reason you can’t go to your son’s to visit?

It’s very difficult to get out and meet people while we are all locked down like this. Maybe time spent investigating ways to meet new folk once this is all over would be worthwhile?

NellG Tue 09-Feb-21 21:46:25

Adult children can be so insensitive sometimes, we all know that have busy lives but it would be nice to get a thought and a visit sometimes. Is there any way you could arrange to go and visit them?

That feeling of being alone is always difficult, but so much worse at the moment when it's not possible to get out and about and meet new people. I know there are some threads on here that are welcoming and chatty if you just feel like being part of something. Soops kitchen, the good morning thread, the Lockdown lobsters - they all seem like nice 'places' to post and introduce yourself. I'd love to give you tips on meeting people in real life, but at the moment that's hard to do.

If you are feeling down and need a kind word from people who know how it feels then there is the Black Dog thread, all of them can be found by browsing through the different forums or keeping an eye on the 'Trending' tab.

I hope you find lots of friendly support on here and feel a bit less alone now that you've reached out, and that when lockdown is lifted and we can mix again there will be opportunities to build some friendships outside of home. Best wishes. x

Msida Tue 09-Feb-21 21:48:41

Hi *SueDonim

Did your son bring the children over to see you prior to your husband’s death? Yes he did regularly and that was because he still needed us then to help him buy a property, we have bought the property for him now

Is this request that you go to them something new? Yes they always came to us

Is there any reason you can’t go to your son’s to visit? Well his wife was pretty awful to me just a few days after my husband died and I have found it difficult being in her presence unfortunately

Thank you **Ailsa43 and Mogsmaw Really appreciate your kind words

Msida Tue 09-Feb-21 22:15:09

Hi NellG thank you for your post really appreciate it

Yes I could go visit them but finding that difficult because my daughter in law was a little unkind to me soon after my husband died and I have been trying all this time to forgive her I want to but its so hard to forgive someone that kicked when you were down

You said "I'd love to give you tips on meeting people in real life, I woukd really appreciate that and will be able to use it when we are free of lockdown

Thank you for all the tips of forums I actually will check them out, it will be the love and support that will help me out if this hole I'm sure of it

Thank you so much for taking the time out to comment x x

NellG Tue 09-Feb-21 22:33:18

Msida - If you need some support and sharing vis a vis difficult daughters in law, come over to the Estrangement forum and say hi on the Support thread - many of us there know exactly how hard these relationships can be and you'll find a wealth of support and kindness there.

Once people get to know your likes and dislikes, interests etc we'll be able to help point you in the direction of fresh starts after lockdown - better than listing a whole lot of things that might not suit.

There are lots of lovely, kind people on here. Things will get better and you're not alone. People are listening smile x

Urmstongran Tue 09-Feb-21 22:35:54

Dear lady you are recently bereaved. I feel so very sorry for your loss. Which is all the more acute in these trying times I expect. Coupled with working from home I guess you are locked in with your thoughts in your smaller-down world.

Sadly I have no words of wisdom to offer but I did not want to read and retreat.

You are going through an unbearably tough time right now, trying to navigate your way through not only the loss of your dear husband but also the loss of family visits.

You feel used it would appear. And very hurt. Time, they say, is a great healer. Please try to find some strength within yourself to bear these slings and arrows. For now at least. Try not to dwell - although that must be very hard.

In a few weeks spring will arrive. The sun will shine and hopefully your feelings will be less raw.

I wish you a more settled mind whilst you wait for change. Have courage. x

SueDonim Tue 09-Feb-21 22:36:43

Ouch, that must have hurt with your DIL, Msida. flowers

Is there a possibility of resetting things with her? Is she/your son aware of the hurt you felt? For the sake of the GC, I think it’s worth trying to mend bridges.

crazyH Tue 09-Feb-21 22:39:07

You are not alone Msida. I think you are still grieving for your husband.
I am alone due to divorce. This is a horrible time for those of us living on our own. I have 3 children and am in a bubble with my oldest. I’ve hardly seen her because she works from home and after she is busy cooking for the family etc. She has asked me to go and stay there but I like my own space and my own bed. However, my sweet 18 year old grandson (daughter’s son) is home from Uni and he pops in for a couple of hours - we chat, watch TV etc. It will get better, don’t worry.....look after yourself.
TBH, if the grandchildren are very young, it’s easier all round if you go to their house.
Take care and don’t feel sad....we’re all in it together flowers

Jaffacake2 Tue 09-Feb-21 23:11:51

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. You are early in bereavement and grief can make you feel so alone and vulnerable. My only advice for you would be to be kind to yourself and try to seek out what may make you happier. If that is being in the company of your young grandchildren then go and see them. Try to mentally guard yourself against any animosity from your son and daughter in law. Think on them as being a small part of your visit,the main reason is to see your grandchildren.
Shortly after my mum died I had to mentally distance myself from my brother and his wife. They had been awful through the death and afterwards. I spoke to my vicar who advised me to mentally place them all in the top of a multi story carpark. He said you know that they are parked there but you can choose if you ever want to see them. It was such a strange idea but did work. It's a case of a change of mindset so that they cannot hurt you.
Hope you get to see the children soon and that they bring you some joy and peace at this difficult time.

dawntreader1 Tue 09-Feb-21 23:25:07

I feel very move by your post. Keep reaching out (Here is a good start.) All will be well

Msida Tue 09-Feb-21 23:25:20

Thank you NellG I did see the Estrangement Forum I will check out thank you.

I really appreciate your help and kind words 😢 I do actually feel less alone now really do x x

Msida Tue 09-Feb-21 23:30:19

SueDonim please believe me when I tell you I have been trying for 6 months to forgive and let go just because of the grandchildren I can't visit them at the moment because I find it hard to not feel uncomfortable around my DIL and I'm worried that my GC will pick up on bad feeling and I really don't want that.

Yes Sue D they both know the situation

Msida Tue 09-Feb-21 23:36:33

22:35Urmstongran Your words were so comforting and made sense

It was very helpful what you say Have courage while you wait for change, you are right thank you so much for your comments and post and taking the time to post thank you

Alexa Tue 09-Feb-21 23:36:39

Msida, you did well to write to Gransnet forums about your sad feelings. I hope is has helped. You wrote very well so that other grans can understand and sympathise with how you feel.

Families are not all the same. My own grandchildren could not care less about coming to see me and never get in touch. I do not plan to see them for the rest of my life. I am accustomed to this .

Msida Tue 09-Feb-21 23:41:35

Thank you CrazyH you are right in all that you say

You are so lucky to have a kind grandson, my 12 year old grandson is also so caring and loving as are all my GC

Thank you for taking the time to post and help I appreciate it very much

Msida Tue 09-Feb-21 23:53:37

jaffacake2 Thank you for your post, thank you for taking the time.

So basically what the vicar was saying is, yes they are there but you are able to blank them from your mind for the reason of them then not being able to hurt you, a kind of shielding if you will! Simple but Genious really. It was so interesting to read and I can not begin to tell you how much that thought is going to help me Thank you so very much. I now feel that I am not going to battle un armed

I'm so sorry that your brother and his wife were Horrid, what bad timing they have, much the same happened to me with my DIL were by the worse thing was her timing.

Your post made me realise that it's not just my family that can be horrible

Thank you for your kindness it is so appreciated x

Msida Tue 09-Feb-21 23:56:07

dawntreader1 Thank you appreciate that

Msida Wed 10-Feb-21 00:04:01

Dear AlexaI hope you do get to see your grandchildren , when we are young we sometimes forget important things like going to visit your Nan

Thank you fir saying nice stuff about me, been a while since someone said something nice I appreciate that x

I am going to ignore all obstacles and go and visit my grandchildren, posts on here have given me courage.

It's hard having to reach out sometimes because women of our age suffer from TMP Too much Pride but the love of a grandchild is really precious and who doesn't need a Grandmother, you are an important person.

Hopefully you might re think things

Thank you Alexa, your kind words really helped me

Eloethan Wed 10-Feb-21 00:09:37

Msida I'm sorry to hear of the death of your husband last August. It must have been a horrible time for you and you will no doubt still be feeling very emotionally raw. I'm also sorry to hear that you are feeling so alone and unhappy at the moment.

I wondered if it is something new that you are not seeing much of your children and grandchildren. You did mention there was some tension with your daughter in law so perhaps that is part of the problem.

At the moment, I think many people are feeling quite lost and alone because life is so strange. Even people with partners are feeling the strain (and it is quite possible to feel lonely even when there is someone else in the house).

I don't know your family's situation but it could be that work pressures are why they have suggested you visit them. Some people are having to work from home, as well as trying to look after their children and supervise their learning. Some people have to travel to work and are anxious about coming into contact with people. There may also be other pressures relating to Covid, such as decreased finances or anxieties about children's welfare, etc. This can make people feel tired and depressed. It has also been widely reported that there is growing tension in many families, with children becoming more prone to challenging behaviour and angry outbursts. Any of these issues can make it more difficult to focus on friends and relatives outside the home.

You haven't been prevented from going to see them so if you can overcome the discomfort you feel about your daughter in law, perhaps you could make a short visit to the family, just to keep contact going, and hope that things improve gradually.

I hope that some of the posts here have helped a bit and that soon things won't feel so bleak for you. I wish you all the best.

Msida Wed 10-Feb-21 10:57:35

Hi I took advice and called my son

But he did not pick up, I waited for him to call back all evening and all of this morning but he has not, so good thing I hadn't fallen down the stairs and couldn't get up or worse 😞

The reason I am posting is that I do want to speak to him about this But don't want to be dramatic or needy and not sure what to say.

I want him to know that not picking up and not calling back has upset me but at the same time do not want it to be a negative thing or have a negative outcome

Please help if your better at words and expressing yourself than me

Thank you so much

Msida Wed 10-Feb-21 11:02:31

Thank you Eloethan appreciate that

I am trying to build up courage and overcome my 'uncomfortable' feeling being around my DIL

I got lists of good advice and putting that into practice

Mildmanneredgran Wed 10-Feb-21 11:08:25

Wat about your other child? Where is he/she and can they support you?