Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

15 year age gap, in older age

(31 Posts)
ellisro Sun 28-Feb-21 09:20:43

A few years ago I met a man, and we had a brief fling. It resulted in an unplanned pregnancy due to failed birth control. Against all my expectations it blossomed into a good friendship, relationship and then engagement. I am 30 and he is 45. Although I never thought I would have such a large age gap, life really did just happen and he’s a great partner and an amazing father. We are very happy despite an unconventional start.

However I am overcome with anxiety as our wedding approaches, I am an overthinker, and I worry about when I am 55 and he’s 70. When I am 65 and he’s 80. I worry the gap will catch up with us.

I guess as a mistake, I googled too much and found horror story after horror story of women feeling they had wasted their youth, grown old before their time, spent their best years caring for older men, the advice just seemed to be a resounding don’t do it. Find someone your own age.

I probably could find someone my own age, but they wouldn’t be the father of my son. I hope that perhaps, it’s only the people with negative stories who go online and post warnings. I guess I perhaps want a more positive, still realistic few of what this may be like later in life. Will I really regret marrying this man?

FannyCornforth Sun 28-Feb-21 09:33:09

Hello
I started a thread about age gaps yesterday! You might like to have a look.
There is 26 years between my husband and me.
We met when I was 26. I am 49 now.
No regrets what so ever.
Every relationship is different. You can't judge how successful yours will be against others.
15 years is not unusual and should not be problematic to my mind.
However, if you are having cold feet already it may not bode well.
Are you sure that it's only the gap that you are concerned about?
I wish you all the best.

mercedez Sun 28-Feb-21 09:36:43

What are you worried about he sounds a great guy. Look forward to a great life together, non of us knows what the future holds so, it could be you that needs someone to care for them in years to come, I am sure he would be there for you, so have a wonderful wedding and future the 3 of you 🍾💐

JaneJudge Sun 28-Feb-21 09:41:08

If the only thing you are worried about is this age gap, which doesn't sound excessive, then maybe you should stop worrying so much? smile You could marry someone the same age and they could become disabled or ill or vice versa, it's all part of the 'in sickness and in health' bit

ellisro Sun 28-Feb-21 09:42:03

Thank you! How would I find the thread you posted?

I’m glad to hear an age gap has worked out well for you.

I don’t have any other concerns. We are each other’s first marriage, first child so we are in the same life stage in that sense. Of course he is further in his career than me, but if anything that has made it easier for me to take maternity leave/part time hours for a few years with the chance to up the ranks when my child starts school. We are in a position to buy a family home, have a nice life together. More importantly than all, we genuinely get on. Just being with him feels comfortable and like home.

I think my worries stem from a couple of my friends, who in their early thirties are living a very different lifestyle to me. Single, with guys their own age, working up their careers etc. They all say the same sort of thing, what happens when your ‘this age’ and he’s ‘this age’, I could never find a 65 year old man attractive when I’m 50, it’s all fun and games until you’re a carer/widow at 60 years old.

I guess naively it just hadn’t occurred to me. He was just him, I was just me, it just worked. I do suffer from anxiety which has heightened during the pandemic, and I take other peoples opinions too seriously. I read up online to put my mind at rest but the articles I found did the opposite.

Humbertbear Sun 28-Feb-21 09:46:17

Why listen to your friends? If you are happy with him then that’s all you need to think about. No one knows what the future will bring. He might outlive you! You could marry a man younger than you who then develops an illness and is incapacitated. Joan Collins is married to a man 30 years younger than her. As she remarked ‘if he dies, he dies’.

grannylyn65 Sun 28-Feb-21 09:46:49

Why Jane Judge ?

Humbertbear Sun 28-Feb-21 09:47:09

Sorry - i do wish there was an edit button on here. Real friends would be pleased for you that you have found happiness.

Shropshirelass Sun 28-Feb-21 09:48:46

Don’t worry about the age gap, just enjoy having such a lovely man to spend your life with. Don’t worry about the future, no one knows what is round the corner. I am a little older than my DH but he now has health issues which curtail our lives. This could not be foreseen and worrying doesn’t change everything. Go ahead and have a lovely life, you are lucky.

JaneJudge Sun 28-Feb-21 09:49:09

I think you need to tell your friends to stop it tbh, they sound a bit immature.

If your anxiety is a problem, have you spoken to your GP?

JaneJudge Sun 28-Feb-21 09:49:52

grannylyn65

Why Jane Judge ?

why what? confused

fiorentina51 Sun 28-Feb-21 09:51:07

Have you ever considered that he might live to a hale and hearty old age and you might be the one who needs care and support? It has happened to relatives of mine and also one of my friends. Life happens, if you love each other then 15 years isn't a great gap. I wish you well whatever you decide.

FannyCornforth Sun 28-Feb-21 09:51:54

My 'age gap' thread is in the list of 'active' threads.
It's lovely to see everyone telling you not to worry, they're right - just enjoy it!

FannyCornforth Sun 28-Feb-21 09:52:39

Jane - I didn't understand that either...

FannyCornforth Sun 28-Feb-21 09:54:53

Yes, it does sound like your friends are the issue. Is it possible that they are jealous? Have they got such happy relationships?

timetogo2016 Sun 28-Feb-21 10:03:45

It`s the old sayings that are the best,as in age is just a number.
Happiness is all that matters and it`s priceless ellisro.

FarNorth Sun 28-Feb-21 10:16:18

Your friends are being foolish, also unkind in making those remarks to you.
If you love your partner, you will be happy to look after him in any illness that happens, as he will be for you.
Finding a same-age partner would be no guarantee of a trouble free life.

eazybee Sun 28-Feb-21 10:17:29

After an unpromising start you and your partner have developed a sound relationship, based on responsibility, friendship and love. which is much more than some married couples have; it starts well and deteriorates when difficulties ie children, finances arise.
You have said you are an overthinker, and looking on the internet is the worst thing to do; people don't usually post to say' actually, my marriage is working out quite well and we seem to be coping;' they are too busy getting on with their lives.
The trouble stems from your 'friends'; how on earth do they know how they will feel about a sixty-five year old man when they are fifty? They will probably be extremely surprised!

It is personality which counts, not age difference, you have built up a good relationship : 'we genuinely get on. Just being with him feels comfortable and like home.'
You are more lucky than you realise; nobody knows what the future holds so go for it and be happy.
Enjoy.

FannyCornforth Sun 28-Feb-21 10:23:36

Lovely, wise post eazybee.
Listen to her op! She's absolutely correct in every respect!

Katie59 Sun 28-Feb-21 10:26:27

Just enjoy the relationship and be thankful you have a good partner, you don’t know what the future will bring decades in the future, plan to be financially secure as you get to retirement age, which is what most of us should do anyway.

The big advantage of an older man is they are more experienced, stable and financially secure and if he already has a young attractive wife he’s not likely to be looking for another younger woman. Look at all his positives not one negative.

FarNorth Sun 28-Feb-21 10:32:02

The other thread :

www.gransnet.com/forums/chat/1292389-Age-Gap-Relationships

ellisro Sun 28-Feb-21 13:16:23

Thank you for so many positive comments. I have seen my gp about anxiety and low moods and have started on medication, and been referred for counselling.

Part of me just panicked that perhaps I was actually realising the age gap won’t work and that if I just shrugged it off as anxiety I’d regret it. I really hope that I can happily move past it and stop worrying. I just want to enjoy my lovely little family.

travelnan Sun 28-Feb-21 15:00:13

There was a 12 year age gap between me and my husband. We were happily married for 46 years before he sadly passed away. I can only say he was the most kind, considerate man you could ever meet a loving father and much loved by our two daughters. He had so much patience with them and they enjoyed nothing more than 'helping' Dad with DIY etc. I think because he was older he was well established in his career and financially secure. I have been in the fortunate position of always living in my own home. I can only wish you every happiness for the future OP, he certainly sounds a loving caring man. I can assure you the age gap shrinks as you grow older together. Good luck. flowers

PurpleStar Sun 28-Feb-21 15:09:56

My Daughter was dating a man 30 years older than her,who was 11 years older than me.When I first mentioned the age gap she shot me down and said "I'd rather have 20 happy years" than 50 miserable ones with someone the same age.I never mentioned it again.They broke up after a few years but nothing to do with age.Ive had friends marry someone their own age and then pass away in their 30's.Age doesn't matter if you're happy.No one knows when someones time is up,no matter how young or old.Enjoy your time together and good that you're seeking help on anxiety,it will spoil your life with unnecessary woes.All the best.

Millie22 Sun 28-Feb-21 15:27:34

He sounds to me like a lovely man as you describe him as a great partner and an amazing father. If he loves you and you love him I'm sure you'll be very happy. Sometimes people can be envious so try to relax and enjoy your family.