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(54 Posts)
Msida Wed 21-Jul-21 21:34:29

Hi all just looking for some support and advice

I have been trying to move for two years and last Friday I moved into my new home

But, I feel so unsettled, missing my previous house and feeling really horrible in all

My other property was bigger and feeling chlostraphobic in my new house

It's the first ever property that I have moved into alone, I lost my husband last year

Bhas, anyone else felt this

Infinity2 Wed 21-Jul-21 23:11:14

I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your husband.
You’ve faced some very big changes recently so congratulations on managing the move.
I’m sure as things settle, including your nerves, you’ll feel less upset and unhappy.
Try and keep busy and make plans. Think about decorating if you’re able to. Do some decluttering. If your finances allow then now’s the time to treat yourself to something you really want.
Think ahead to Christmas and think how you’d like your home to be.
This is a new beginning for you. I wish you every happiness in your new home. You can create something beautiful.

Msida Wed 21-Jul-21 23:13:48

Thank you x

Flexagon Wed 21-Jul-21 23:52:53

First of all, well done for taking this big step. It's bound to feel strange at first ... and smaller, because it is. Try to focus on the positives. Tell us what made you chose this particular house? What do you like about it? Put a photo of DH on the mantel or shelf and say to him: Right! I've come this far. I think you'd be proud of me. What next?

Nonogran Thu 22-Jul-21 09:00:37

In my experience, what you are describing is entirely natural especially as you are on your own now.
I think it can take as long as two years to feel truly settled in a different house so allow for that.
As you get sorted out in your new home I’m sure you’ll begin to feel better especially if you have to decorate or buy new things.
It’s your new nest so spread your wings and fly!

Katyj Thu 22-Jul-21 09:14:34

So sorry to hear about your husband, and your feeling unsettled in your new home. We moved house two years ago to a much smaller house, and I have felt very unsettled.
It coincided with two family members being ill at the same time as moving, trying to visit the hospital everyday for weeks ,plus an horrendous house move ,
and a change in job role too to top it off, how I didn’t crack i’ll never know, but I think all the stress definitely didn’t help with the settling process, but I didn’t thankfully, and things have slowly become easier.

I’ve made the most of the garden more or less started from scratch that’s helped. Now we can I’ve started having friends and relatives over, that also makes it feel more homely. Hope you settle soon are you still in the same area ?

Smileless2012 Thu 22-Jul-21 09:22:33

So sorry to hear about the loss of your husbandflowers. Moving is such a huge step and even more so when doing it alone for the first time.

It will take time for you to settle in, to get used to the feel of your new home and decide if there are any changes you'll want to make.

Just decorating to your own taste will out your own stamp on it and help make it feel like home.

maydonoz Thu 22-Jul-21 17:09:21

Msida, so sorry to hear of your loss, but well done on the brave and difficult move to a new home. It is indeed a huge step for you so you should take a deep breath and feel good about what you've done.
Hopefully, slowly you will begin to enjoy your new home as you familiarise yourself with your new location.
Do you have family or friends in the area?, if not you could look for groups that may interest you, of course when you have energy and feel like company.
Meanwhile look after yourself and try to get some fresh air and maybe meet some of your new neighbours.
I hope you will settle in soon and be happy and content in your new home.

cornishpatsy Thu 22-Jul-21 18:05:27

It takes a while to settle in, took me about a month. I hated the first month, cried often and planned to move back to the area I came from asap.

Now I love my house and the area I am living in. If after a month you still feel the same then you can plan to move again.

Your unhappiness is probably due to more than the house. Try to look for any positive with the new house and area.

I wish you well and hope you settle son.

Msida Thu 22-Jul-21 22:15:13

Thank you it helped so much reading your posts, made me feel that it's not just me that feels this way

Driving oastt my own house was very painful at first but it's easing now

All the reasons I wanted to move are still there, too big sad memories house needed re decorating and I am a bit too long in the tooth to be taking on such a project

Thank you so much I don't feel so alone being able to speak to everyone on gransnet

Personally I think most of the pain and un happiness is coming from the fact that I have moved in here alone and that feels so so horrible, never lived alone before

Juliet27 Thu 22-Jul-21 22:22:17

Dogs can provide some comfort and companionship I find, and walking one would help you to meet new people. Just a thought.

Luckygirl Thu 22-Jul-21 22:39:01

I lost my OH last year too; and moved house in March this year.

Moving is such a massive upheaval on top of bereavement and there were sticky moments for me too at the beginning. I did not miss where I moved from - lots of sad memories there.

And moving alone was something that I too had never had to do before. It is hard when you do not have someone there to discuss everything with; and to support each other.

I am taking a while to adapt to having to be the one who makes everything happen. But I have found some lovely new neighbours and I know that everything will be fine in the end, even on my sad days.

Hang on in there: bereavement and moving house are two very major life events and it would be very strange if you were not under a bit of stress.

Shandy57 Thu 22-Jul-21 22:48:20

Msida, I completely understand.

I was widowed in 2016, and sold my family home last May during lockdown. My daughter lives in NI, and my son is about an hour away. Friends drifted away a few months after the funeral. I'm alone all the time but do have my elderly dog - but when he passes I won't be getting another, I hate the night walks in the autumn/winter.

I moved into this small bungalow this March, and am finding the change from 265 sq ft to 100 sq ft very hard - but I've finally come to terms with the fact it is only me, and it is perfect as I age.

I've got far less to clean, a smaller easier garden, smaller bills, less maintenance and I'm in a much better location.

The positives will also show themselves to you over the next few months. Just after I moved in here I also felt devastated as I'd never imagined living on my own, with an elderly dog and cat, it wasn't part of the plan smile. I also miss my old house a lot, but know it is due to my complex grief.

Keep your chin up and keep posting on here x

Shinamae Thu 22-Jul-21 22:54:18

I agree with what other posts have said, maybe get some sort of pet either a cat or a dog they can be fabulous company. So sorry for your loss 💐💐💐💐

Eloethan Thu 22-Jul-21 23:06:13

Msida I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and that you are now feeling unsettled and anxious in your new home.

I expect moving from a larger house to a smaller one would be challenging for a lot of people. Perhaps the greater issue though is that you have moved alone after losing your husband and no doubt the property you have just sold held lots of memories.

You are sensible and brave to make that difficult decision and I think there is every chance that in time you will feel comfortable in your new home. I truly hope so and wish you good fortune and happiness there.

Best wishes to you too Shandy.

Would you necessarily have to take a dog out at night? Your current dog is used to that routine but perhaps another dog could be taken out in the afternoon. Our dog has sadly had to be put to sleep as he was so ill and at his advanced age the treatment would have been too distressing for him. I am devastated. He was a real companion and I miss him so much. My husband doesn't want another dog.

Granmarderby10 Thu 22-Jul-21 23:46:11

Hello Msida, I think from personal experience you will start to feel more at home if you could have visitors. Have you any friends or family perhaps around your age, or grown up children who could stay for a few days here and there. They could help out or you could just enjoy some cheerful company, chatting and laughing and chewing the fat. Talk about what you’d like to happen next. What would make you feel better. Apart from the loss of your husband - I am presuming due to an illness, it can be like a sort of bereavement leaving behind a bigger house and all the things that filled it. It needs now for you to fill it with things that make you feel good, make your home nice to come home to spend what you can sensibly afford, think back on places you have been and what you liked about them and what you didn’t
Then step outside now and again if you’re able, take a trip to town, is your home nice to come home to, you’ll make it so. Keep busy, get some fresh air every day even in bleak weather and if you feel really rotten seek help and advice always, on GN.,, at your Doctors and through organisations who specialise in helping people through grief and loss. I sincerely hope this helps you see your way through the fog. flowers

Oldwoman70 Fri 23-Jul-21 06:43:52

First few weeks in my new house I spent most of the time regretting the move, despite the fact my old house was difficult to maintain and somewhat isolated. I felt I had let my late husband down by moving from a house he had worked so hard on and which contained so many happy memories. I gradually came to accept my new home, found I had moved next to wonderfully friendly and helpful neighbours and realised I had brought my happy memories with me. Give it time - I think we all have the same feelings flowers

Grammaretto Fri 23-Jul-21 09:28:42

Well done for managing such a move alone and so soon after your bereavement. No wonder you are feeling unsettled. It will take time.
Well done to Shandy and Luckygirl too.
I am also recently widowed but am a long way off being ready to downsize.
I listened to the advice which was to do nothing for 2 years.
For me that feels right.
My advice to you now would be to first recover from the move. You have been there less than a week. Congratulate yourself please.
Are you still near friends or have you moved to a new area? Either way, plan something special and different. I am trying to get used to cooking for one but I am also doing things I was unable to do when looking after a sick man during lockdown.
I've joined a walking group. I have found GN a huge support.
All the best to you.

Shandy57 Fri 23-Jul-21 15:29:43

Thanks for the well done Grammaretto. I didn't realise how much 'admin' there'd be and am glad I'm comfortable using the computer. I'mglad my move was in time for the census, when people look me up in 100 years time.

I just wanted to recommend the Tower air fryer for anyone cooking for one. I put four veg sausages in it, and a jacket potato in the microwave. Normally have baked beans or fresh mixed veg with it. Minimal energy use, and hardly any washing up.

cc Sun 25-Jul-21 10:58:54

It must be hard for you OP, I recently downsized and find the lack of space difficult.
I was lucky not to have to move alone which must make it so tough for you.
You must look forward to the time when you have made the little changes that will make your new home feel like home again.
I'm sure you've done the right thing, it does get more and more difficult to maintain a property, and more expensive if it is larger rather than your smaller new home.

Lesley60 Sun 25-Jul-21 11:01:11

I know a little of how you feel, I moved to my new home downsized) a week before the first lockdown, albeit with my hubby.
I moved to England from Wales to be closer to my daughter and her family, I found that I was very homesick for Wales and friends and family I had left behind, I couldn’t be bothered to put makeup on when I went anywhere as I didn’t know anyone so wasn’t about to bump into an old school friend or neighbour etc
When the lockdown was lifted hubby joined the ramblers and I joined the easy part of the gym as my mobility is limited we slowly began to chat to other people and now look forward to going, don’t forget your memories are with you wherever you live.

Alioop Sun 25-Jul-21 11:02:04

After I left my husband I moved back in with my mum until I got on track after my divorce. I lost my mum suddenly with a fall not long after and I stayed in our family home. I found it hard living in it, expecting her to walk in the door all the time so I decided best to move. I sobbed locking the door for the last time, I was 2 weeks old when our family had moved into that house and felt guilty that I shouldn't of sold it.
I moved into my new house I found it all very strange, regretted what I'd done, but I got stuck in decorating it, making it mine and I have all my photos of them everywhere. I have a dog who I walk locally and have met loads of other dog walkers that has helped me settle more so maybe think of a wee rescue, they are great company when you are on your own. Your husband would be so proud of you and all your memories of him have come with you to your new home. flowers

Lulu16 Sun 25-Jul-21 11:09:53

We moved from a big house to a small bungalow. It was a horrible, difficult move and I know that I was not on my own like you.
The garden was my main focus and I made a big effort to join clubs etc I know it has changed due to the pandemic, but it really helped to keep in touch with my old circle of friends as well as making new friends.
You have been really brave to move and I am sure that it will be easier as time goes by. Best wishes.

b1zzle Sun 25-Jul-21 11:12:21

I have been in a similar situation to you Msida, and moved to a new home almost a year ago. I hated it from the word 'go'. I'd moved away from everything that was familiar - all my old friends - and knew no one in this new area. I felt thoroughly homesick, so told myself that I'd give it a year.

Well, that year is up next week and although I can't say I love my new home yet, it's growing on me and although Covid has been a bit of an obstacle when it came to meeting new people and making new friends, I have to accept that.

Would I go back to my old area? In a heartbeat, and yet I know that financially that would be impossible, so I have told myself that I must learn to love this new place/area.

So this weekend I've started getting rid of everything in my new home that evoked bad memories in the hope that I will feel that everything in it is mine by choice, that I'll learn to like if not love this new home and feel like I belong here.

I wish the same for you.

NemosMum Sun 25-Jul-21 11:21:53

Commiserations Msaida. I've been widowed twice. You never 'get over it' but you do learn to live with it. However, it takes two years before you can function fully again. It's a huge thing to have downsized so soon after your bereavement, and your feelings about leaving the old house will be all tied up with your loss (it is another loss!). As others have said, give it time. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a few treats. You will get there! flowers