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I’m so hurt

(18 Posts)
Lollipoplove Tue 14-Sep-21 11:55:36

My Daughter & Son in law fell out & they stopped me seeing my Grandchildren for a good few years
Well we have been back to normal for the last few years except. I’m always being left out of holidays ( unless I pay for them) & days out etc etc
Today has hit me hard as it’s my Granddaughter Birthday & My Daughter & son in law Anniversary. So they are having a few people round after school then they are going out for their Anniversary meal & my Granddaughter is being taken out by a friend for her birthday meal. My Daughter knows I much I would of loved to take her out but she always has an excuse. I feel the years they stopped me seeing my Grandchildren has broken the very close bond we had. I’m so hurt yet I have to go round with my expensive present then leave watching my Granddaughter go off with a friend of theirs. I’m pleased I didn’t buy her the £500 laptop they asked me to buy.

CafeAuLait Tue 14-Sep-21 12:05:53

I'm sorry you are hurting. Being excluded is horrible. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries on expensive presents!

I don't know about going on holidays with GPS. It's not something I ever experienced. I'm not sure it would come to me to include a GP in a holiday. Outings, sure. Have you invited them for a simple day trip, like to a park or garden (free)?

Elegran Tue 14-Sep-21 12:15:40

You have overcome the years of not seeing them, you can survive this. Smile when you take round her present, and tell her to have a good time at her birthday meal. Your good bond wouldn't be helped or made stronger by you looking as though you grudged her seeing someone else instead of you - that would be more likely to make her feel resentful at you.

Plan something else for you and her to do. Look at it this way - you can have her to yourself and do something that you and she will both enjoy, and that will give you something to remember which is yours and hers .

nadateturbe Tue 14-Sep-21 12:23:37

I feel so sorry for you Lollypoplove. I can totally empathise. This happened to me. They've done it three times. There is no bond with the GC which is really sad as they are the only ones living in the same country. Its despicable to stop grandparents seeing their GC.
All I can offer is to tell you how I am handling it.
I accept I am never going to be an important part of their life ( unlike the DiL's family).
I will always be a little sad but I can cope very well - the mind adjusts. I just get on with my own life.
Sometimes things aren't how we would like them to be. You can't force people to feel the way you want them to. Sad but true.

nadateturbe Tue 14-Sep-21 12:25:24

We included GPs in family holidays. The children loved them being with us.

Shelflife Tue 14-Sep-21 12:27:17

It is difficult when our children marry and we realize we are not number one anymore. However that is exactly how it should be , you say you are always left out of holidays and I don't wish to upset you or appear harsh but I see no reason why you would expect to go on holiday with them . We have had a holiday with one of daughters and her family, but this is the exception rather than the rule. Three adult children who lead their own lives and I don't invade their social or family lives. I am sorry to know you feel so sad and upset and sincerely hope things improve for you. I feel happy that we have brought up three children who are well balanced and I have a close relationship with all three but I do not invade their privacy. My ' children ' have days out with their families and there are times when I think how lovely it would be to share the day with them . My daughters last outing was to Alton Towers and apparently my 15 year old grandson said " Mum next time I would love Grandma to come" So I wait in hope!
Please don't become bitter about this.
Our children grow up and move on with their lives - and I wouldn't have it any other way. Relax and enjoy your life but please don't expect to always be involved in your children's lives. If anything I make a conscious effort not to expect too much , the result is we have an amazing and warm connection. They know I love them and know I am there should they need me ! Good luck !!!

Cold Tue 14-Sep-21 12:53:05

Also it is important to remember that once children become school aged the birthday parties and meals tend to revolve around school friends rather than the family events held for pre-schoolers

Stillwaters Tue 14-Sep-21 12:57:30

Oh Lollipoplove, I'm so very sorry to read this, and I feel your pain - 2 of my children stopped me seeing them or my grandchildren for some years after I separated from my husband, 1 of them was only 1 year old when this happened - so I don't have any bond with him at all.

Might going to counselling, like Relate help? You could say to your daughter that you know things aren't as good as they could be between you, and you'd like to try to make them better, if only for the sake of their daughter. (Although I have to confess that it didn't work for my daughter and me.)

If your D and SiL aren't willing to go to counselling with you and know how you feel, then I'm not sure that there's much that you can do about how they behave towards you.

With regards to your grandchildren, maybe buy a more modest present for their birthdays and Christmas, and give them little presents through the year to remind them that you are a part of their lives.
Likewise, when you are on a holiday or day out with them take lots of photos - ask your D/SiL to take them of you with the grandchildren, or do selfies - and then have them made into a little photobook, so that they have the memories to reinforce that bond.

From the way your post is worded, it sounds like they live nearby - could you set up a regular thing with the grandchildren - like them staying over with you or babysitting on a Friday or Saturday night - you get quality time and the parents can go out (you don't say the ages, nor how many, so this might not be possible).

On a day out, if you've bought the entrance tickets, maybe gently say at lunchtime that as you bought the tickets, it would be fair if they got lunch.

And maybe consider having some counselling yourself to help you manage your feelings about the situation - it really helped me. You'll probably have to go private, but what price feeling a bit happier?

Namsnanny Tue 14-Sep-21 13:12:47

I feel for you Lollypoplove
Unfortunately there is little you can do.
The parents set the agenda.
I'm glad you put in some boundaries with regards to the expensive present.
At least you wont be accused of buying your gdaughters affections.

VioletSky Tue 14-Sep-21 13:25:58

I think I'd want to be with my daughter on her birthday as that would be an amazing thing to happen on my anniversary. Did granddaughter go off with friends her own age too to have dinner as that would make me feel better about that?

I would just keep that relationship as positive as possible and stick to those boundaries where expensive gifts are concerned.

Smileless2012 Tue 14-Sep-21 13:36:06

I can understand your being upset Lollipoplove. Where there's been a previous experience of estrangement the trust that was broken and the fears and insecurity that brought are going to be hard to overcome.

I also suggest that you avoid expensive presents. Asking a GP to pay £500 for a laptop is way OTT IMO even if this were a land mark birthday for example her 18th of 21st.

Keep to more affordable gifts in the future.

Hithere Tue 14-Sep-21 14:19:27

I think there are multiple aspects here

1. The relationship after estrangement was repaired but seems more distant that you would like it to be
What happened that created the estrangement in the first place?

2. Vacations with grandparents - may work or not, depending on each family.
Many families want to reserve the little time off work and school for the core family

3. When children grow up, birthday celebrations change, I agree with PP.

4. Presents and vacations- you do not need to buy their time and love.
I would invest in them what you really can afford or if you want to spend anything at all. Your finances, your call.
The parents of the gc are not reasonable for seeing as a source for presents
Fyi: 500 pound laptop is pretty average price, middle to low range- not that you had to buy it for them
I am just saying it is not an outrageous and expensive price for that item.

5. The bonds between children and the adults in their lives change overtime
The bigger they grow, the more independent they become.
What kind of bond do you hope to have?

VioletSky Tue 14-Sep-21 14:24:14

I think I have misread this, I thought granddaughter being taken out by a friend meant friend of the family... If she is old enough for a laptop she's probably old enough to want to spend her birthday with her own friend rather than close family. Colmpletely normal for teens.

Maybe you could ask her out for dinner to celebrate another day OP. I'm getting used to not seeing much of my children on their birthdays as they get older and having a takeaway to celebrate another night. Good excuse to have a takeaway and make a nice chocolate fudge cake anyway

Norah Tue 14-Sep-21 14:48:09

GC generally have Birthdays with friends, not GP, by age 6-8. Families generally don't have enough time from work to sadd GPs to holidays. Take a breath, your Daughter is grown and with her family. You will feel better soon, if you allow the hurt to pass.

Norah Tue 14-Sep-21 14:48:42

add (not sadd)

Neen Mon 20-Sep-21 22:05:24

It is so difficult with Grandchildren sometimes and we can can feel pain over all sorts of situations.
I'm only just learning that paying for things and loaning money or expensive gifts isn't helping the adults or the child.
I like the idea of smaller gifts throughout the year to make them smile. I see mine fairly regular and always post them a letter from time to time, I do drawings within the letter and make the letter age appropriate and all focussed on the childs wellbeing of course and ask about school and hobbies and friends and short term goals and imagination but they love getting post and beats a laptop ! Just an idea.
The older grandchild has kept all my letters, not that she needed too.
Healthy boundaries are really hard to put in place whe we have lacked in them and they aren't liked initially but its ok to say " I've made some healthy boundaries for myself so please respect them " .

Lolo81 Tue 21-Sep-21 00:43:53

If your GD is old enough to want a laptop then I’d imagine she had a say in what she wanted to do for her birthday. That doesn’t prevent you from offering to do something with your GD to celebrate on another day maybe go for lunch or something?
Holidays aren’t something I would generally expect a grandparent to go on, that would be time for the nuclear family IMO, that said we have in our family done a couple of holidays with the whole clan over the last 20 years which we all paid for by ourselves and enjoyed (long weekends in Blackpool for us).
I’ve said it in a number of threads on GN, money does not buy love. Time, effort and consistency does. If your GD is old enough, send her the odd text just checking in, same with your DD.

justwokeup Tue 21-Sep-21 01:27:25

I wouldn’t expect your gd (teenage?), as she gets older, to want to go out with parents so much for her birthday, let alone a gparent. It also seems normal to me to go away or out as a small family unit or with friends. We sometimes treat our AC if they are hard up but we certainly wouldn’t expect to be invited out with them. It’s unexpected and a nice thought if we are. I realise families have different expectations though. I just wondered if you had agreed with the laptop idea. If you did, or hadn’t disagreed, gd might have been expecting that rather than your ’expensive present’ and might have been disappointed. Better really to be up front and say it’s above your budget and could they suggest something else. As others have said don’t expect so much, make memories on other days, and you’ll be less upset too. If you’re in the background you’ll be there when she wants you.