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Depressed DH

(18 Posts)
Nana56 Sun 19-Sep-21 18:12:35

I'm sure many of you will have experienced this so I welcome.e any advice.
My DH had been retired gor about 2years now. I think he's depressed. He spends a lot of time in his armchair reading or watching TV.
I try and spend time with him going out etc but it's difficult . I love it though

I am a member of a local gym and go about twice a week. I really enjoy it but am on the verge of cancelling. I feel so guilty going and this spoils the enjoyment.
I also collect my DGD from school once a week and love our special time together. Today DH suggested we go away tomorrow. I said great, I'll need to cancel hair appointment and gum classes but no problem.
He's been sulking since saying its OK.
I want to help him , he won't let me. It's so difficult
On the one hand I enjoy being busy and think it's healthy to have some time apart. I being with him too. I feel stuck in the middle.
Thanks for reading

Antonia Sun 19-Sep-21 18:31:28

I don't know why he is sulking when he suggested going out.
My DH is similar in that he spends hours watching Netflix or playing games on his phone. I am more active (not as active as actually going to a gym though).
Since I know he prefers to be on his phone, I just let him get on with it. He isn't depressed, it's just his character.
It might be best to acknowledge that you have different interests. Keep going to the gym but there is no need to feel guilty about it. Maybe he doesn't need help.

Eviebeanz Sun 19-Sep-21 18:31:51

Hi Nana sorry to hear about your troubles. I wonder if your DH was the type of person who had hobbies before he retired and has lost interest in them or whether he had focused on work and has found himself at a loss for what to do since retiring. It could be that he is clinically depressed and needs to see his GP. this was the situation with my DH. with the best will in the world there was nothing to be done to "cheer him up". He had a three month course of antidepressants and then a further three months and that seems to have done the trick. When I'd first mentioned to him that he might be depressed it took him some time to come round to thinking that this might be the case. His GP was very sympathetic and helpful and touch wood things have been fine since.

Grandmafrench Sun 19-Sep-21 18:36:29

What a shame for both of you, Nana56 - you should be having a lot of fun in your free time as well as enjoying separate interests and time spent with others.

If his retirement coincided with the pandemic, I can see why he might feel down and possibly a bit cheated. Life has changed dramatically for everyone, hasn't it.

Unless he has some physical ailments, it does sound as if he is depressed. He really needs - if you have a surgery that does actually see patients - to visit his GP for a check up. He may well resist that idea, feeling depressed and disinterested. Maybe you can contact the Doctor instead and explain that you are very worried about his attitude - he shouldn't be apathetic and sitting in a chair most of the day; nor should he be objecting to your going out and about if he doesn't want to go with you. If you feel guilty, then you will end up pleasing nobody - least of all yourself, unless you take some action very soon. With less enjoyable weather coming, there will also be a further excuse for him to avoid going out and about. Does he have friends? Would he be likely to respond positively if you encouraged someone he likes to contact him and suggest an outing? Don't despair but don't just leave it and tailor your life to suit one that really doesn't work for you.
Get some help, hopefully the Doctor will persuade him to come in - even for some small health check! Then he can judge for himself whether your DH would benefit from a possible short course of "happy pills", or something to help him see that life can and should be fun as a newly-retired chap.
Good luck and make sure you keep up your own interests and me-time!

Urmstongran Sun 19-Sep-21 18:45:05

I note you said ‘my granddaughter’. Do you think might feel excluded from your special time Nana56? For whatever reason I wonder if your busier lifestyle makes him feel left out in some way? You need to talk about what you both want going forward. Communication is key. No good second guessing (nor us really!).

Good luck.

Nana56 Sun 19-Sep-21 19:39:23

It's difficult. He acknowledges that he's depressed and goes out on his motorbike sometimes. He's not that keen on DGD as she's a lively 10 Yr old. I must admit that I have little patience. I'm happy she's lively and outgoing and I won't tell her off for being a happy confident child, it's better than being introverted
He won't go to the gp. I think he's bored but since he's depressed finds stimulation hard.
I hate to think it but it was so much easier when I was retired on my own [


MerylStreep Sun 19-Sep-21 19:55:40

The reasons and symptoms of depression are very complex.
Unfortunately GN isn’t the place to explore the complexities.
But from what I hear i have to cancel my gym and hairdresser he’s now feeling guilty but he can’t acknowledge this so his reaction to go into his shell ie: sulking, blaming you.

I remember talking to a psychiatrist about my mother’s depression. He said depressives can be very selfish

Aveline Sun 19-Sep-21 19:58:17

Would you say he's changed though? Was he always quiet and self absorbed?

Jackiest Sun 19-Sep-21 20:16:03

Try to include him in everything you do. He may not want to be included but always give him the option and if possible a reason why his help is needed to encourage him to join you.

MissAdventure Sun 19-Sep-21 20:23:46

I spend a lot of time in an armchair, reading or watching tv (YouTube, actually)
I'm not depressed, though, in fact I'd like to spend more time doing it!

3dognight Sun 19-Sep-21 20:28:44

Perhaps when he said about going away, you should have said ‘no problem’ and just cancelled your appointments without him knowing?

Just a thought.

Also he could pick granddaughter up for a change?

Good luck x

VANECAM Sun 19-Sep-21 20:48:05

I’m always a little alarmed when I see/hear people use the word “sulking” in the context of depression as it appears to imply that the persons mood is deliberate or intentional when that is never the case for the person suffering with depression.

Dare I say it but to describe a sufferer as “sulking” is shows a certain lack of compassion - which I’m sure is not the case here.

If DH is aware of and at least recognises his depressed state that is an enormous positive and with a little encouragement ought to be more easily encouraged towards seeking medical help.

I wish you both well.

welbeck Sun 19-Sep-21 22:00:30

a lot of older people can find lively children very wearing, exp if they are in one's own house.
it's his house too. did he agree this arrangement.
or was it just imposed as a fait accompli..
maybe he was looking forward to some peace and quiet once retired, and the chance to take off, with you, as the fancy took you both.
maybe seeing how busy and involved you are with other activities, he feels he is peripheral to your lifestyle.

Hetty58 Sun 19-Sep-21 22:30:11

Maybe you could have been more enthusiastic about going away? There was no need to mention the hairdresser and gym as you made him feel like he was messing up your plans.

If you can get him out and about walking, it will lift his mood. TV is the default when there's nothing else to do.

Be sneaky - tell him you'd like to do much more walking - but you need his company to keep you motivated. That way, he'll think he's helping you.

Go out for (increasingly longer) walks, with breakfast or lunch out on the way - or a picnic. Add in some sightseeing or join a group to keep going.

Neen Mon 20-Sep-21 09:29:32

This is interesting and I do feel for you. I've just been medically retired and am 54 and I enjoy walks and family and art and writing and poetry. Also swimming and a bit of travel. I have a man friend 3 years older who literally watches TV and goes to the pub. I try to say things like your RA isn't helped with the alcohol and do you want to find a hobbie, oh sorry, he does do fishing but drinks there too, he says he's a drinker and he's happy not walking not swimming not inviting his granddaughter over alone and says everyone is different.
I honestly think he's depressed too.
So I do find this interesting but then a female friend said he may actually be happy and just because I like to be out and about doesn't mean he does .
I don't have a solution sorry. Just found it interesting.

VANECAM Mon 20-Sep-21 13:49:38

I’ve no idea how you conclude that your friend has depression.

You have described for us what activities you enjoy .

You have then described the activities that he enjoys.

You then conclude that, because he has said that he doesn’t enjoy the activities that you do, he may have depression!

With respect, that’s nonsense.

Neen Mon 20-Sep-21 14:00:16

Yes I didn't explain all the other bits that allow me to come to the conclusion of someone I've known many years, he's depressed , I was just relating really . The post wasn't about my friend more of, I feel the ladies pain so to speak.

Nana56 Mon 20-Sep-21 21:47:05

Thanks for all your input. I should have added that he's recently been diagnosed with irregular heartbeat. Obviously this hasn't helped. To be honest his mood hasn't changed that much. He's decided not to take the meds prescribed. I silently despair. I've arranged extra outings to be together and quietly cancelled the gym classes I had booked
I'm trying to be calm and support hus decisions even though I disagree