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Different family opinions

(107 Posts)
Kartush Sun 26-Sep-21 00:33:24

My grandsons new partner is a lovely lady, but some of her beliefs are causing issues in our family.

She is a vegan and while I personally do not care what she eats, it does make family gatherings a little more difficult as I like to always make sure there are vegan items available to her. My husband bless him does most of the cooking and is of the opinion that when you go to someones house you eat what they give you, as in if he went to their house he would eat vegan. This is the minor difficulty however.
She is totally anti vax. Her three year old son has never been vaccinated and she is adamant that she will not be having the covid vaccination, she is also attempting to persuade my grandson to do the same. This is a worry for me even though my grandson has assured me that his son will always be vaccinated.
My husband and our grandson had a rather heated conversation about this the other day where my grandson was almost about to leave.
Two of our three children are also not vaccinated, not because they are against it but because they are just to lazy to go and get it done.
I have spoken to my husband and he has agreed not to bring up the vaccination subject again when anyone comes to visit but I hated to have to ask him that.
I am at my wits end trying to keep the piece in a family that is becoming more and more divided

agnurse Sun 26-Sep-21 00:40:01

Whether she has her child vaccinated is up to her and isn't something you should be discussing, except to determine your personal risk of getting COVID from them.

Many people who eat vegan do so for reasons that include health, environment, and concern for animals. If cooking for her is difficult, you can decide not to invite her over for meals.

Hithere Sun 26-Sep-21 01:46:54

If you want to keep the peace in the family, her believes and your grandson's are their own.

Please keep your concerns private.

Do not being any sensitive subjects up anymore

It is that easy

Hithere Sun 26-Sep-21 01:48:11

Beliefs, not believes

Hithere Sun 26-Sep-21 01:49:10

Discuss, not being.. my cell is nuts tonight.

welbeck Sun 26-Sep-21 04:50:34

so why are you and or your husband giving her a hard time about vaccination, when two of your own AC have not bothered to get vaccinated.
at least she has a principled position against it, rather than just being too lazy.
all of them, unvaccinated are putting you in danger, and you should avoid mingling with any of them indoors for your own protection.
your husband's view on people should eat anything just sounds silly or ignorant; would he expect a jewish or muslim guest to eat pork chops.

vegansrock Sun 26-Sep-21 05:15:34

If you think an unvaccinated person is putting you at risk then don’t invite them round , or if you do invite them don’t discuss it. I’m sure your OH could produce a bean salad and/or and a jacket potato with some hummus without too much effort if he can’t think of anything to feed a vegan guest. Again, her choice not yours.

BlueBelle Sun 26-Sep-21 05:50:12

Sorry but it’s not your business re the vaccine especially as you have two children of your own not vaccinated.. talk about a bit of hypocrisy🤷🏼‍♀️ Your husband was in the wrong to argue with his grandson
The fact that your granddaughter in law is vegan, again is her choice and if you want to be a decent host you will cater for her in the same way you would if she had a allergy surely it’s only now and then your not feeding her every week ? and surely you or your husband can manage that or buy a vegan pre prepared meal and heat that up if you can’t

nanna8 Sun 26-Sep-21 05:59:40

Good job they don't live here in Stalinist Melbourne. The pressure to get vaccinated is enormous and they are going round saying, no vaccine, no job, in many parts of the workforce.

mumofmadboys Sun 26-Sep-21 07:03:53

I can understand your concerns Kartush but your task is just to keep the peace and avoid all contentious issues with them. Perhaps you could make something vegan so it is not your DH's job? One of my sons' is vegan. Good luck

Madgran77 Sun 26-Sep-21 07:15:08

1. Your husbands view re expecting a vegan - ie NEVER eats any animal products - should suddenly eat animal products just because their host does is completely unreasonable. He makes himself look silly saying it frankly which must upset you.

However it also suggests he has a rather didactic approach on others opinions as well. He needs to just accept that people differ in their views! Express a view if asked but don't expect every one to agree/fit in.

2. However regarding vaccines both of you need to consider your own views on YOUR safety and YOUR decisions regarding
mingling with non vaccinated members of the family. They have to make their decisions in the light of that or not, up to them!

Sorry you are facing this, difficult for you

Lucca Sun 26-Sep-21 07:55:07


Good job they don't live here in Stalinist Melbourne. The pressure to get vaccinated is enormous and they are going round saying, no vaccine, no job, in many parts of the workforce.

Sounds good to me. I’m afraid I have no patience with anti vaxxers as I have yet to hear any kind of convincing argument to support their views. As for being too lazy to have a jab….unbelievable.

V3ra Sun 26-Sep-21 08:10:33

One of my sons is vegan. I keep a couple of vegan meal options in the freezer, he eats salad and vegetables so it's not at all difficult to put a meal together that he's happy to eat.

When he went to my daughter's for Christmas he took a big box of food with him.
He made a tray of spicy nachos and everyone tucked in!

Ask your son's girlfriend to bring some of her own food, I'm sure she wouldn't mind and would probably be glad to.

The vaccination issues for children are for your grandson and his girlfriend to agree or not between themselves.
If I were you I'd be more concerned about my own unvaccinated adult children.

Riverwalk Sun 26-Sep-21 08:11:25

Don't make an issue of the veganism - I'm not vegan but do know how to cater for such a diet. Many people have different diets/requirements - just ask her for some ideas.

The childhood vaccines are a worry but not really any of your business, so you should keep your thoughts to yourselves.

As for the Covid vaccine - you'll have to decide whether you want to be in indoor contact with the unvaccinated in your family.

wildswan16 Sun 26-Sep-21 09:15:09

It can be a struggle to cater for a vegan - but it is a wonderful opportunity to get to know her better. Confess you have a problem knowing what to give her - let her show you how to make a simple vegan dish, or suggest she brings something of her own that you can all try. Make it an opportunity to expand your horizons and have fun together.

It is worrying she has not had the children vaccinated - but don't interfere. None of your business.

M0nica Sun 26-Sep-21 09:35:31

If your DiL was Jewish or Muslim would he expect her to eat pork if that is what he had cooked when she was visiting? I thought not.

Your DH has got the rules the wrong way round. A thoughtful host always ensure that the food they serve will be acceptable to their guest. If one of them is Jewish or Muslim you do not serve pork, if allergic to nuts you do not serve a nut roast and if vegan you make sure that they are offered food with no animal ingredients.

I really cannot see the problem there are so many delicious dishes that happen to be animal product free and can be enjoyed by everyone, no need to put her food in a corner in portions of one. if your DH is that a good a cook he should relish rising to the challenge.

On vaccines, MYOB is the best policy. Your children and son's partner know your views. leave them to make their own decisions. Just do not discuss the issue when they are around and if they bring it up just tell them firmly that the family must agree to differ, so there is no purpose in discussing it further.

I do appreciate how worried you must be about your grandson not having his jabs and the others avoiding the COVID jab, but there really is nothing you can do. If you do not make a fuss, if they do change their minds, it is less of a climb down to admit it, which could make it easier.

BlueBelle Sun 26-Sep-21 09:35:40

Just to add I didn’t have any vaccinations as a child, not that
I m advocating that, just saying

Galaxy Sun 26-Sep-21 09:39:04

Also please dont feel it is your job to keep the peace in a family, I know its tempting but all these people are adults they are responsible for their own interactions.

Smileless2012 Sun 26-Sep-21 09:56:47

It isn't that difficult to provide a meal for a vegan Kartush. Recipes are available on line or as others have said, you could ask her to bring her own meal with her.

As for not being vaccinated, it's a personal decision isn't it. As long as you and you H are double vaccinated you have the maximum protection but if it is a real concern, all you can do is explain to her and your two AC who are "to lazy to go and get it done" how you feel about spending any length of time with them in doors.

I agree Galaxy it's too much to expect to be able to be the peace maker. They're adults and the onus should be on them, not you.

Tricia247uk Sun 26-Sep-21 10:07:49

I think the issue surrounding catering for guests' food choices is really about respect; I mean, surely if a guest had a peanut allergy, for example, as hosts you'd ensure that the food provided was safe. I don't see the difference.

As others have said about the vaccinations, your own children haven't bothered to get it so what right do you have to question any one else about the same choice?

DiscoDancer1975 Sun 26-Sep-21 11:38:43

The vegan stuff wouldn’t bother me. It’s nothing to do with me anyway. A nuisance when you’re hosting I know, but there’s always someone who doesn’t like something!

As far as the vaccinations are concerned, we personally would not host someone who hasn’t been vaccinated. is up to them, and they can’t be forced, but then neither should we be expected to socialise with them. Is the three year old your grandson’s child too? If not, then he has no say over him at all. It’s difficult, because presumably you’re still accommodating your unvaccinated children, so there are double standards here. Whatever the reasons for not being vaccinated....the risks are the same. It’s therefore not right for your husband to be chastising anyone for their decisions, when your own children have made the same ones. You have to be consistent.

HolySox Sun 26-Sep-21 11:49:25

Vaccinated or not they can bring COVID into your house. Please ask them to test before they visit to protect you. Otherwise they are grownups now and have to live with the decisions they make - grandparents can only offer our advice as we are older and, hopefully, wiser.

I sympathise with your husband as I personally can't be bothered with vegans as God has sanctioned eating meat but that's just my bigotry and am working on it. 🙂

VioletSky Sun 26-Sep-21 11:53:13

Of course a vegan should not be expected to eat meat as a guest. That is a silly argument.

Other people's choices are their own so that means all parties being respectful of that:

No one should try to influence an antivaxxer to vaccinate and no one should try to influence a pro vaccine person not to.

This is an agreement you will all have to make together, let's not discuss this but you also need to decide what your boundaries are if you feel that puts you at risk.

I understand it is frustrating, for instance, anti vaccine or mask demonstrations should not be allowed to happen because by definition, putting someone else at risk of a virus is not a peaceful protest.

We live in strange times

Smileless2012 Sun 26-Sep-21 12:00:58

One year I cooked a vegetarian gluten free Christmas dinner for two along side our traditional dinner. A bit of pain TBH but I was very pleased with the result as were the two who enjoyed it.

sandelf Sun 26-Sep-21 12:10:09

If you'd like them to enjoy a meal in your home - ask them what they like - it's just being a good host. It it their concern whether their child is vaccinated. If you don't wish to mix with anyone not fully vaccinated - that is your business. Question of you and DH sorting out priorities. Not a matter for family argument.